It’s Battle Royale, kiddies, and if you haven’t seen the 2000 Japanese cult classic, pause Survivor right now and go check it out. And from last week’s tease, tonight’s episode looks to be a cult classic of its own as all hell is breaking lose underneath the tribal flag. Can’t wait to see how Cole explains his actions tonight.
We know he’s pissed because he has to play with “Little Cole” by himself now that Jessica is gone, and no one wants to touch themselves when they’re this filthy. On second thought, maybe Fairplay would…
Okay, who’s anxious to get straight to Survivor? I know I am because I’m surprisingly sober.
What? Fish? You…?
Yeah, it turns out Fish made a catastrophic mistake and purchased a bottle of – get this – Whipped Cream flavored vodka. F**k you, Pinnacle…! Yes, it’s my fault because I failed to look at the bottle when I grabbed it off the bottom shelf, but what the hell what it doing where the normal Pinnacle usually is?
What does it taste like, you ask? I can only describe it as… “The worst tasting s**t on the planet.” Seriously, who drinks this?
-Underage sorority girls getting their schwerve on for the first time?
-Women in the ‘burbs needing “a little kick” for their 10am yoga class?
-the homeless guy who lives outside my apartment…?
Honestly, I poured a drink without realizing what it was and took a sip. I made a face, unsure why my drink tasted “funny.” Took another sip, and wondered why my drink tasted…what? Sweet? Coconut-y? I was unsure.
I checked the bottles of flavored soda water in the fridge pondering what the hell is in there until I finally looked in the freezer. That big dollop of whipped cream on the label told me I made a huge mistake. I instantly flashed back to 9th grade, when my buddy and I were snapping whippits off a can of Reddi Wip and I ended up on my roof thinking I could fly. Thank god we had a soft lawn…
And I just went outside to check on my homeless “neighbor” and I saw him pouring that crap into the gutter. Seriously, when do you ever see that…? Even he knows crap when he tastes it.
Previously on…Survivor!
-Cole is dumb!
-The Heroes and Hustlers need an orgy (“Come together,” suggests Ben)
-Joe threw his idol away
-“Sweet Cheeks” went home, and now has a “Days until I lose my V-card” chart…
When the 11 remaining players return to the Solewa camp (Night 19), the Healers give props to the others for taking out Jessica, but as Joe states, “y’all playing with the devil now.” Which is stupidly putting a larger target than already exists on his back.
Ben (and pretty much everyone else) is stoked they pulled it off, and starts talking about taking the Hero/Hustler alliance through to seven. Ben ponders if “an individual can mess things up,” and as the camera pans over and settles on Lil Tony, we know he’s gonna play a big part in tonight’s episode, or a future one.
Dawn breaks at Solewa and a few players are getting to work. Lauren is trying to get that Home Depot endorsement deal by hammering a nail into something, but the nail goes flying off towards her tribe members. Thankfully, no one’s injured, but she can’t find the nail and has to grab another. I’m sure someone will be stepping on a 5-inch nail in the very near future…
And finally, someone is using their eyes when Lauren sees the rolled-up parchment in the bundle of nails. This is confusing me because the last time we saw those nails they were lying on the ground, and now they’re in a cubby 5 feet off the ground. I’m not gonna go into who put the nails there, and how they didn’t notice the clue, but Lauren realizes she’s found gold, and just needs a moment to read it privately.
She finds time a bit later and reveals the Secret Advantage will allow her to save her vote and use it at a later Tribal. But she has to be deft and bring her parchment back from the voting booth without having anyone see her do this. And in the off chance she can pull it off, wouldn’t the fact a vote is not cast a Tribal, I don’t know, alert EVERYBODY that something is fishy, and Lauren’s whole Advantage could be blown? Is this another one of those Advantage/Disadvantages? Let’s hope she’s smart enough to pull this off successfully and I can’t believe I just typed that sentence…