November 17th, 2017 | No Comments | Posted in Survivor 35 - H vs. H vs H

Everyone files in and Jeff finally stops looking at the Olive Garden receipt…

-Joe: Last Tribal, you felt the heat. Same same?

Yeah baby, I’m always a target. But Ben is running the show, so everybody needs to think about that.

-Ben: Are you the Godfather?

Jeff, I’m part of an alliance. And everyone has a say. And I’m gonna say that so people don’t think I’m a larger threat than I really am.

-Cole: Say something.

Uh, Ben is big. And smart.

-Joe: Say something.

The Healers became weaker when Ben started to flex.

Ben takes the opportunity to apologize for getting heated, but Joe knows this is his opportunity to take Ben to task, but it’s clearly a sore subject with players. Especially Chrissy.

“Joe, no one wants to listen to you anymore.”

“Wow,” says Jeff, two weeks in a row…

-Ashley: Is Joe a douche or a great player…

Jeff, he could be either. I don’t know…

-Desi: Joe’s bulls**t could affect you. Any thoughts?

Jeff, his bulls**t could be the truth or a lie, depending on when it’s heard and who’s hearing it.

-Mike: Any thoughts?

Jeff, I wanna crawl up into a ball and take a Viagra. I’m so confused!

-Ben: Here’s your opportunity to make amends. Wanna take it?

Jeff, I’ve been through some s**t. And, yeah, Joe brought me back to some s**t. Sorry, Joe.

-Desi: Let’s talk about lying.

Jeff, these mother**kers are lyin’ mother**kers. But that’s the game…

-Devon: Give us a sense of how wack you are.

Jeff, I’m a beautiful light…

-Devon: That’s some freaky s**t, we’re gonna need to bring you back on another season…

Jeff, I’m not wearing any underwear…

“That was an amazing journey,” Jeff says, as we all realize the show is now reaching for straws. It’s time to vote…

When everyone heads to the voting booth, Lauren is clearly struggling with whether she should play her Advantage or not, until the moment arrives. She saunters over to the voting booth and eventually plays it, because that’s what players do now when they have an opportunity to make a big move (except Chrissy, of course). Lauren takes out her Advantage parchment and places it in the urn and folds up her blank parchment. She heads back to her stump.

“I’ll go tally the votes,” Jeff declares.

He grabs the urn and asks for Hidden Immunity Idols. None are played. He reads the votes:


It’s a tie and no one notices only 10 votes have been read. Jeff announces that with a tie, players must revote, but can only vote for Desi or Joe.

Votes are recast, and without the luxury of playing an idol now, I think it’s clear everyone will take out the bigger threat. Let’s see. Votes are read:


Boom goes the next Woman of Color! It’s the Butt Cheeks Curse!

And I’m wondering, why the f**k would you take out Desi, when you could have taken out the guy who’s played two idols and proven to be a strategic player? It makes no sense to me, and considering everything I’ve said about this season, it makes perfect sense to me this cast has no idea what they’re doing. Seriously hope this season features no returning players. Just dumb assess all around.

So, did Joe’s theory if he ate last in the Reward Challenge would earn him some Brownie points? Could that be what happened? I’m at a loss for words…

Jeff makes some comment about rollercoasters, but I’m just wondering why the hottest girl this season is walking down the path… Mark Burnett, we need to talk.

Next time on…Survivor!

-Lauren is feeling pretty big for her britches. Or maybe she’s just talking about the britches she wore at the beginning of the season…
-Ryan is quick to let everyone know he’s packing something in his pink shorts besides an undersized pee-pee..
-Which makes Devon reconsider his game.

In Desi’s final (emotional) words, she admits to being let down she didn’t do better, but can’t figure out why they’d send her home. And neither can I as I struggle to figure out why you’d take Desi out when you could have taken out Joe. Just goes to show you this cast is full of dolts, and I think everyone would agree with that. Don’t try to justify this vote, or rationalize why this made sense. This was a vote based on stupidity, and players who couldn’t adapt once they were faced with the tie. They got confused by the bright lights, and just voted as they did before. So dumb…

Okay, grabbed a shot of mouthwash to rinse this episode out of my mouth. And I think I’m back to normal now. First off, I must goose myself a little because Jessica Lewis retweeted my column. Sure, I gave her a shout out in last week’s column, but she did it because she reads every week and wants to see me succeed, right?

Okay, maybe that’s not it, but it’s always great to get a little “play” from a Survivor alum. I’d still love to spend Wednesdays around people who love/watch Survivor, but as I’ve mentioned many times, I don’t know anyone in LA who watches Survivor. Sure, ALL THE FORMER PLAYERS WHO LIVE HERE still do, but for some reason, I’m not getting invited to their viewing parties. Gosh darn it, maybe I should start whoring myself out a little more? Drop me a line if you’d like to watch Survivor with me. I’ll bring a bottle of vodka and an attitude…

Oh well, got to write on Wednesday nights anyways so there’s little chance I’m heading to any Survivor speakeasy parties to do coke off Courtney Yates’ ass, but she’s probably not there, and I got to work tomorrow, and where the hell is my son!? Oh, there he is, taking a nap on Morgan’s chest. I guess he found the softest pillows around…

Alrighty then, no need to go into any current events as they’re all bad, but let’s just say UCLA needs to do a much better job of recruiting. I grew up loving UCLA basketball: Kenny Fields, Rod Foster, Don MacLean, Ed O’Bannon, Reggie Miller, Tracy Murray, Trevor Wilson (who I saw play at my high school in 1985), Pooh Richardson and so many others, so when I read the story of the guys stealing s**t in China it just made me shudder. I tweeted “It proves you can grow up in the suburbs and still be ghetto,” and that defines it to me.

You’re representing your school, your country, your FAMILY, in a communist f**king country and this is how you act? So stupid. And, unfortunately, I haven’t seen one person get angry about it. Trump said, ironically, it was “unfortunate,” and got them an early release. I’ll tell you this, if it was my mom, or one of the moms in the neighborhood I grew up in, you can bet dollars to doughnuts they’d have some serious words for these hoodlums, and ears would be pulled, and butts would be spanked, and certain players would be grounded.

But no. These “elite athletes” are living on a different plane than most of us, so I just want to point out how poorly these kids were raised. They grew up in privileged communities, not in the inner city but the suburbs. They weren’t stealing for survival. They’ve been coddled most of their lives because of their skills and stand to make millions of dollars in the future, and this is what they do to repay everyone. I seriously hope they don’t play a game all season, and examples are made of all of them.

Ok, that’s the dad in me talking. Now, the UCLA sports fan: let’s get these guys in the game so we can win another National Championship! Woo-hoo, f**k China! You shouldn’t have let the arrogant Americans into your country. Suck it, China…!

Ok, probably gonna erase that before I send this column to Steve. Let’s hope I sleep off this stupor…

I wonder what doing a whippit now would feel like,

Twitter: @BF_TheFish
AIM: or Bryan Fischer

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