Howdy, friends! Glad you could make it to another recap of the greatest reality show on television. Not sure when this column will be posted, due to me watching the Masters, heading off to work, and mostly due to all the Luke Pell drama that unfolded on RealitySteve.com this week, meaning the servers may be down…
Damn, that boy created a s**t storm, didn’t he? Honestly, I don’t know my Luke Pell’s from my Pall Mall’s, so I think we should just leave that to RealitySteve. I don’t follow the Bachelor franchise like I used to, and I haven’t even watched The Amazing Race yet. Truth be told, I didn’t even watch any episodes last season, so no spoilers, please! Let’s just focus on Survivor.
From the teasers we’ve seen, we know the following:
-someone is paying us a visit (Boston Rob! he tweeted about it on Sunday)
-someone is going to Exile Island
-and let’s drop those buffs, folks, the game is afoot!
And just when certain players were certain to face their doom (Troyzan, Aubry, Debbie, and others) the game gets stirred up again like a fruity sangria.
But first, shouldn’t we be talking about the elephant in the room? About last week’s column and the s**t storm it created? No? Okay, fine with me. But I do wanna throw a shout out to Rick and Kate for having my back. Okay, let’s move on…
The last few days have given me so much to think about: MLB opening day, the season finale of The Walking Dead, a new Homeland, and then there’s all that crap that keeps showing up on my Twitter feed about politics, incompetence, Alec Baldwin, and Honey Boo Boo’s mom.
Seriously, most of the boobs I see on my Twitter feed this week are not the kind I want to be seeing. So, let’s try to stay away from politics for the rest of the season, and just concentrate on Survivor, shall we? I’m sure all of you would prefer that anyway, and who in the hell wants to see a park ranger handed a check when he’s probably going to lose his job in a couple weeks anyways?
-Troyzan is on the outs (duh)
-Tai found a clue that’ll require him to get a Vietnamese-English dictionary to decipher
-Debbie lost her mind (or more likely, showed America she lost her mind a long time ago)
-Sandra called a staff meeting at Target and fired JT, leaving Aubry to do inventory alone
Night 13 and Nuku meanders back to camp after slaughtering JT Aubry plays the “Hey, nice move” card, but asks why they kept her instead of JT. Sandra explains that JT had to pay the price for the Malcolm betrayal, making it clear to Aubry who’s running the game. The Queen. And if Aubry plays her cards right, she can get both Thanksgiving and Christmas off at the Mamanuca Target…
Over at Mana, after everyone’s gone to sleep, Tai steals away to look for the idol. His clue about “wetting the board” can only mean it’s near the water well, so he heads over there and starts peeing on all sides of their water supply. Gross. Finally, nearing the end of his stream, he sees an anchor revealed on a board, meaning he should dig below. And lo and behold, Tai has found another idol! And let’s hope no one minds their water well smelling like piss for a few days…
The next morning (we all saw this on Twitter today, right, so we should know what’s about to happen?), Jeff calls everyone in to a challenge set up on the beach for some interesting developments. First, Mana and Tavua get a glance at the new Nuku tribe, and see that another strong guy has gone home. This is obviously painful for Brad, because he knows he’s becoming a bigger and bigger target (coincidentally), and Sierra seems troubled as well. But hold the phone…
“Drop your buffs.” Jeff declares.
Instantly, everyone’s mind races about how their games were just affected by those three little words. Some will benefit, some will suffer, none can look back anymore. The game changes again…
New buffs are handed out and revealed, producing new Mana and Nuku tribes, leaving one player without a tribe. Thankfully, that’s Debbie… And I guess that’s what you get when you lose your mind at your tribe and believe you’re a model…
BTW, did you see the Boston Terror’s photos?: www.modelmayhem.com/bostonterror
OMG, too funny. Can someone get this woman some lips?
Back to the game, the new tribes are:
(Less chubby) Ozzy
And Little Debbie…stuck in middle, not able to celebrate, plot, or plan ahead… Jeff asks her what’s going through those thin lips of hers.
“As a child, I went off alone a lot, with a pony, so I’ll be okay.”
Um, if she isn’t being sent to Poland, she probably won’t have a pony. But I’m sure she’ll be fine, kept company by all those voices in her head. And surprise, surprise, Jeff let’s her know she’ll be heading to Exile Island, where she’ll spend some time alone, not able to bond with the new tribes. But, on the up side, it means she can’t be voted out this episode, so I guess we’re stuck with the Boston Terrier for another episode or more. He also mentions she’ll join her new tribe after Final Tribal, so she’s got THAT going for her…which is nice.
As Probst sends everyone away, Varner confesses he went from “the top to the bottom” in a heartbeat, so let’s see where that leaves him. On a tribe with two other gay men might be a good place to start – either on top or on the bottom – and considering they’ve almost got the numbers to take out anyone they want if they can just recruit Ozzy (or little Ozzy!) or Maria Von Boehlke. We’ll see…