Howdy, friends! Glad you could make it to another recap of the greatest reality show on television. Not sure when this column will be posted, due to me watching the Masters, heading off to work, and mostly due to all the Luke Pell drama that unfolded on RealitySteve.com this week, meaning the servers may be down…
Damn, that boy created a s**t storm, didn’t he? Honestly, I don’t know my Luke Pell’s from my Pall Mall’s, so I think we should just leave that to RealitySteve. I don’t follow the Bachelor franchise like I used to, and I haven’t even watched The Amazing Race yet. Truth be told, I didn’t even watch any episodes last season, so no spoilers, please! Let’s just focus on Survivor.
From the teasers we’ve seen, we know the following:
-someone is paying us a visit (Boston Rob! he tweeted about it on Sunday)
-someone is going to Exile Island
-and let’s drop those buffs, folks, the game is afoot!
And just when certain players were certain to face their doom (Troyzan, Aubry, Debbie, and others) the game gets stirred up again like a fruity sangria.
But first, shouldn’t we be talking about the elephant in the room? About last week’s column and the s**t storm it created? No? Okay, fine with me. But I do wanna throw a shout out to Rick and Kate for having my back. Okay, let’s move on…
The last few days have given me so much to think about: MLB opening day, the season finale of The Walking Dead, a new Homeland, and then there’s all that crap that keeps showing up on my Twitter feed about politics, incompetence, Alec Baldwin, and Honey Boo Boo’s mom.
Seriously, most of the boobs I see on my Twitter feed this week are not the kind I want to be seeing. So, let’s try to stay away from politics for the rest of the season, and just concentrate on Survivor, shall we? I’m sure all of you would prefer that anyway, and who in the hell wants to see a park ranger handed a check when he’s probably going to lose his job in a couple weeks anyways?
Previously on…Survivor!
-Troyzan is on the outs (duh)
-Tai found a clue that’ll require him to get a Vietnamese-English dictionary to decipher
-Debbie lost her mind (or more likely, showed America she lost her mind a long time ago)
-Sandra called a staff meeting at Target and fired JT, leaving Aubry to do inventory alone
Night 13 and Nuku meanders back to camp after slaughtering JT Aubry plays the “Hey, nice move” card, but asks why they kept her instead of JT. Sandra explains that JT had to pay the price for the Malcolm betrayal, making it clear to Aubry who’s running the game. The Queen. And if Aubry plays her cards right, she can get both Thanksgiving and Christmas off at the Mamanuca Target…
Over at Mana, after everyone’s gone to sleep, Tai steals away to look for the idol. His clue about “wetting the board” can only mean it’s near the water well, so he heads over there and starts peeing on all sides of their water supply. Gross. Finally, nearing the end of his stream, he sees an anchor revealed on a board, meaning he should dig below. And lo and behold, Tai has found another idol! And let’s hope no one minds their water well smelling like piss for a few days…
The next morning (we all saw this on Twitter today, right, so we should know what’s about to happen?), Jeff calls everyone in to a challenge set up on the beach for some interesting developments. First, Mana and Tavua get a glance at the new Nuku tribe, and see that another strong guy has gone home. This is obviously painful for Brad, because he knows he’s becoming a bigger and bigger target (coincidentally), and Sierra seems troubled as well. But hold the phone…
“Drop your buffs.” Jeff declares.
Instantly, everyone’s mind races about how their games were just affected by those three little words. Some will benefit, some will suffer, none can look back anymore. The game changes again…
New buffs are handed out and revealed, producing new Mana and Nuku tribes, leaving one player without a tribe. Thankfully, that’s Debbie… And I guess that’s what you get when you lose your mind at your tribe and believe you’re a model…
BTW, did you see the Boston Terror’s photos?: www.modelmayhem.com/bostonterror
OMG, too funny. Can someone get this woman some lips?
Back to the game, the new tribes are:
Mana
Troyzan
Michaela
Sierra
Hali
Aubry
Cirie
Brad
Nuku
Sandra
Sarah
Varner
Maria
Plecostomus
Tai
(Less chubby) Ozzy
And Little Debbie…stuck in middle, not able to celebrate, plot, or plan ahead… Jeff asks her what’s going through those thin lips of hers.
“As a child, I went off alone a lot, with a pony, so I’ll be okay.”
Um, if she isn’t being sent to Poland, she probably won’t have a pony. But I’m sure she’ll be fine, kept company by all those voices in her head. And surprise, surprise, Jeff let’s her know she’ll be heading to Exile Island, where she’ll spend some time alone, not able to bond with the new tribes. But, on the up side, it means she can’t be voted out this episode, so I guess we’re stuck with the Boston Terrier for another episode or more. He also mentions she’ll join her new tribe after Final Tribal, so she’s got THAT going for her…which is nice.
As Probst sends everyone away, Varner confesses he went from “the top to the bottom” in a heartbeat, so let’s see where that leaves him. On a tribe with two other gay men might be a good place to start – either on top or on the bottom – and considering they’ve almost got the numbers to take out anyone they want if they can just recruit Ozzy (or little Ozzy!) or Maria Von Boehlke. We’ll see…
On point this week my friend . Just a few things from me . One is why do I have the feeling (sickening feeling ) we may be 20 years away from a Cocharan , Debbie super survivor baby ????? All that booze !!! Two less than attractive people !!!! Nothing stopping Cocharan from the row of shame back to land !!!! Just saying !!!!! I for the first time ever was rooting for Sandra . Not because I like her ( respect her game and the way she took being voted off though ) . Simply for the fact TAI is so freaking stupid ! Honestly he hit my very last nerve at Tribal . You have two idols . You have an alliance with a clear target . Sit down , shut up and vote Sandra . Feel like you may be in trouble play an idol . Hell play two but don’t go off on radical half baked tirades . Man you are quickly playing your way to worst player ever !
I cannot even with Tai and I am so glad you feel that way too! Excellent commentary of the state of things…. I am not even sure who I WANT to win now, as I am still waiting to be entertained……One thing for sure, if they wanted the visit from Cochrane to have any impact at all for the viewers (Or Debbie), they should have duct taped her mouth. She is incapable in any way of simply listening and absorbing information without running over someone or trying to “best” them in the conversation. Please tell me AGAIN why she was considered a “game changer” in the first place? Please. Anyhow, enjoy the masters! I would tell you how close (but still morally so far away) you were with the Mama June assessment, but I imagine Fish likes his lunch in his belly so ……I’ll spare you! Love from Calgary! See you next week!
Trish
BRob tweeted on Saturday, APRIL 1st… (You fool.)
I call DIBS on the Survivor offspring future edition . Think about it . Malcolm and Coconuts have a baby , Cochrane and Debbie , Boston Rob and Amber , Caleb and Tai ( adoptions count ) , Phillip and Sandra , Tony and one of the female cops , Sierra and Ozzy , the Culpeppers pop out another one , Rupert and Wiggles ( a big beastly child . Come on do the math thousands of combos . I think we have a hit !
I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks “cock-ring” every time Cochran is on. I bet he’s used one before. Nice” psycho killer Que’st que c’est” reference. I also was thinking that Varner probably enjoys being on the bottom with 3 gay men. OH Fish, if you ever are sick one week, I can fill in for you. I have the same dirty mind, only a girl version. Poor Sandra (not really). I wasn’t that sorry to see her go. I don’t get why everyone finds her so endearing. She’s not interesting and sat around like a big fat budda most of the game. I can’t decide if Tai is brilliant or just stupid/lucky. I mean, say what you will about him, he now has 2 idols and still managed to stay in the game. It was disappointing to see Cochran show up. I love Boston Rob and he’s so much more fun to watch. Cochran seems to have some kind of weird imagined “swag” now which makes him more than a nerd, he’s now a creepy nerd. Oh well. President Elect Debbie seemed to like hanging on him so at least he got lucky.
Ricky Bobby! Thanks, as always, for your support. I thought both of them were thinking, “If I keep drinking, I maybe just could…” but then we’d have to see some f**ked up slo-mo staring in each other’s eyes, and even Survivor won’t do that to us… And yeah, I was actually proud of the way Sandra went out. No theatrics. It was time to swallow that pride, for sure. And it’s obvious now that Tai was setting up Sandra for her downfall. All that nervousness, all that “I’m voting for Ozzy,” all that bulls**t Tai stuff. They just didn’t show us any of the scenes where he talks to Ozzy (and others, I presume) about “I’m gonna say I’m voting for you,” because then Survivor doesn’t get it’s blindside. But, with all the stuff they show us, don’t you think we’re entitled to see that? Hmmm…. Keep commenting, Rick, and I want to know more about BBQs…!
Trish! Thanks for coming back. I love that you’re invested now. And I’m truly hoping for some fireworks later this season. Seems like the show always has to create some drama, so I’m not really sure where that’ll come from this season. Looks like Debbie could be the guilty party. No one wants to get rid of her due to goat status, yet she continues to believe she’s playing an A-level game? And with all Tai’s power, how far will he go? I hate to think he makes another FT, but could you imagine if Tai, Debbie and anyone else makes it? Looks like “anyone else” is winning S34. I do hope Ozzy and Brad go far, as they are on my list. And what about Sierra’s Legacy Advantage? They don’t even mention that at all anymore… And I WILL enjoy the Masters! I bet on Sergio to win back in December, so my 50-1 odds paid off handsomely. And thanks for sparing me the Mama June truths. What’s the over/under on her putting on the weight again…?
ck432! But what if I don’t believe in April Fool’s…?
Ricky! I think CBS needs to do a Survivor/Amazing Race hybrid with those teams. THAT…I would watch.
Kate! You’re so dirty, I love it! XO I may take you up one day on your offer. Let’s discuss offline… And your thoughts on Sandra are why so many of us questioned why she’s so high on herself. yeah, she won twice, but that doesn’t mean she’s a good person/good tv. It’s like Trump saying, “vote for me, because I’m rich.” Who gives a s**t? If you’re a d**k, you’re a d**k. It’s great for all you people on the east coast, but when North Korea launches one toward LA, we Angelenos are gonna be pissed all those red state motherf**kers made this happen… (sorry, no politics in the column, but comments are open season). And yeah, why invite Cochran back? I don’t think a majority of Survivor fans think he’s “the bomb,” but maybe he’s still under CBS contract so they didn’t have to pay him…? And it’s not like he’s some master player that made all these incredible moves, he got lucky… Rob, Russell, Coach, or a dozen other players would have made for better TV… Again, casting let us down…
Have a great week! I’ll see you again on Friday.
Fish