December 8th, 2017 | 3 Comments | Posted in Survivor 35 - H vs. H vs H

Hey folks, how was your week? So, I’m not sure I wanna admit this, but I’m looking forward to tonight’s episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know you think that’s because it’s only an hour long – TBH, that’s part of it – but it’s more that I’m growing fonder of this season.

Yes, my pretties, the Fish is converting back to being a fan. And I’m sure we all want to enjoy Survivor again. That said, I’m gonna drop that little hint I found out about next season, but I won’t be spoiling anything. Okay, ready? SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT.

Season 36 will be called Ghost Island. I don’t know anything else about the theme or the location, but I’m guessing they’re going back to Fiji. The only other thing I can offer is a list of the players, in case you wanna do your own research and start creating your own “Survivor Player Collage/Masturbation Aide.” I guess those Survivor buffs you bought from the CBS Store will finally come in handy…

Ghost Island sure looks interesting. I just wish we knew what it meant. I’m sure we’ll find out during the finale…

Speaking of fluids, I’m starting to get a little juiced about who’s gonna win this season’s demolition derby. And since everybody left in the game still has a chance to win – that’s accurate, right? – I’m gonna give it a second chance. Even Dr. Mike has the chance to “rise again,” and finish hard.

Previously on…Survivor!

-Ben is packing an idol and hoping to stay “inside Chrissy”
-But he’s really aligned with the Burger Alliance
-Who doesn’t want him “Here” anymore, but “To Go”
-At Tribal, the con worked as Joe left, leaving Chrissy, Ryan and Dr. Mike wondering “Whahappan’?”

Night 30 at Solewa, the tribe stows their torches and gets down to bragging/begging for mercy/applauding the blindside. Dr. Mike is once again on the wrong side of a blindside, which doesn’t bode well for his “long game” (dick jokes are so easy with a urologist!). But he and Ryan are willing to congratulate the Burger Alliance for pulling it off, now that they know Ben is working the fryer…

Ryan realizes he’s SOL from here on, because he played his idol and is only aligned with Chrissy, who’s another Dean Man Walking.

And once again, Chrissy is looking for an explanation of what happened, because actuaries need all the facts so they know how to feel. While most of us could draw the conclusion Ben was playing both sides, Chrissy is still in denial she’s not running the game and needs said confirmation from Ben. But he’s not gonna give that up…

“Joe went home, and my plan didn’t line up with your plan.”

Chrissy then proceeds to try to guilt Ben into admitting he did a jerk move, but Ben’s a friggin’ combat veteran – who realizes he’s playing a GAME – and tells her to shove it where the sun don’t shine. That kind of truth doesn’t sit well with Mommy Chrissy, so she confesses how rude Ben is and is wondering what she can do to stay in this game. Right now, she’s beginning to look like another person who’s never watched the show, and my attraction for her just dropped somewhere between Lucy and Sunday (S33).

The next morning (Day 31), we’re flown out to our first challenge of the night, and it’s for Reward. And just when I thought Ben and Chrissy might have to run a 3-legged race tied at the crotch, alas, no. Jeff spoils all the fun by saying it’s a Loved Ones challenge. Let’s bring out all the overweight siblings with logo-free t-shirts to see who could afford to take a week off from work…

-Ashley’s dad, Jim, sprints out and tucks a bar of Sex Wax into his daughter’s bikini. Surfers are so rad…

-Ryan’s dad, Steve, rounds the corner, and I think Steve has a side job as a Tony Curtis impersonator. And if you recall Ryan’s Intro Video pre-season, he really wanted to “bring his dad to the Loved One’s challenge,” so I guess now we know why he said that. I think this bodes well for a Final Tribal for Ryan. Regardless, “this is the best moment of my life,” are not words that will go unnoticed by me or other uberfans…

-Mike’s wife, Mary, comes out, and immediately starts cajoling Mike for everything he’s done wrong this season. And yes, I realize it’s impossible she knows all this, but I’m sure the production staff was feeding her all the dirt thus far. However, Mike’s love for his wife is apparent, and hers for him, so I won’t take a crap on anything they’re doing right now.

-Lauren’s sister, Sunny, is introduced, and immediately heads over to Jeff to grab his “Probst.” She then pulls a pregnancy stick out of her pocket and claims Jeff’s the father, and things just got awkward… She finally heads over to Lauren and gives her crap because, “the dude filling in for you in center field sucks balls!” They laugh, hug it out, and we find out Sunny is the real Survivor fan. But Lauren got the call because she’s the better-looking sister.

-Chrissy’s husband Keith is next, and we finally get to see Chrissy smile again, most likely a day or two before she leaves us forever. I gotta say it’s nice to see a bond this genuine, and I really hope Keith hasn’t been banging anyone while Chrissy’s been away…

-Devon’s mom, Sonya, is next, and gosh darn it, I said I wasn’t gonna cry. This is reminding me how great this episode is to see every season, but I can’t stop focusing on one thing. Based on skin tone alone, I don’t think Sonya is Devon’s real mom. Hope that doesn’t start too much s**t.

-Finally, Ben’s wife, Kelly heads out, and we can all see why Ben is gonna win this season. She’s the light of his life, and it’s evident he loves her more than anything. Tito, I need a tissue…

Now let’s see what bulls**t Jeff is gonna pull to keep a few of these sob stories apart from each other…

Jeff pulls a fast one and says “this ain’t gonna be no normal Survivor challenge.” Oh no, this is gonna be some digital bulls**t. Everyone will need to pull a marble out of bag – white or black – and if their Loved One pulls out the same color, they’re still alive. No match = out of the running for the Solewa BBQ. No skill. No agility. Just dumb luck. And let me do the math for you, Chrissy, because I know you’re running the numbers in your head. There’s a 50% chance everyone will pick the same color. Boy, being an actuary is fun!

-Lauren pulls white. Sunny pulls black. Done.
-Mike pulls white. Mary pulls black. No boner.
-Ryan pulls black. Tony pulls white. He spins to Jeff and asks, “Do you consider the eating of oysters to be moral, and the eating of snails to be immoral?” Jeff just looks at him like, “Dude, the sun is frying my skin, go sit on the log over there.”
-Ben draws black. Kelly draws black. Solid gold…
-Chrissy and Keith both draw black. What are the odds our two nemesisses (?) are competing again?
-Ashley pulls black, Jim pulls white. She’d better hope Ben wins and tows her along…
-Devon pulls white. Sonya pulls black. No go, adoptee…

Round 2. Ben vs. Chrissy. Let’s get it on!

-Ben pulls black. Kelly draws white. Bummer, dude…
-Chrissy pulls white. Keith pulls…white! Let’s start the Feud!

Of course, Jeff says she can bring someone along, and who else would she pick but Ryan and Antoninus.

“Choose one more couple to join you back at camp,” Jeff tells her.

And this is always a tough call because she could go political, she could go emotional, she could go gameplay. Let’s see who she picks.

“Dr. Dick and the KY Queen”

And just like that, Chrissy has drawn a line in the sand between her and the Burger Alliance. I guess this means she won’t be winning this season, because no one forgets the sins committed at the Loved Ones challenge (right, Brenda?). Can’t wait to see how this plays back at Solewa.

“You have one more spot at the BBQ,” Jeff reveals.

“Oh my gosh, I didn’t calculate how much food would be there, and how much BBQ sauce we’ll have to go around. And how do we determine who gets to choose the first piece of rib? I don’t know, I guess I need to pick someone, but should it be someone who’ll eat a lot or only take their fair share? I guess I need to pick someone that will help me…”

“Pick someone, bitch!” Jeff’s lost his mind.

“Fine…Ashley and Jim.”

And as the dust settles, Jeff sends the other Loved Ones away, the uncoupled Solewas back to camp, and Chrissy confesses Ben picked the “wrong time to cross” her, because she’s gonna make him pay for his transgressions. We’ll see about that…


  1. Hey there! Okay, Lauren is potentially the dumbest. I was kind of starting to like her and then this episode happened. A) Why tell people you found the idol? Dumb. B) Why keep offering your immunity/advantages to people? Super dumb. C) Why tell Ben you are going to vote him out?

    I think I want Ben to win this whole thing. He’s been grating on my nerves, but at least he’s trying to play the game. The problem is, he’s stuck playing with a bunch of morons.

    I can’t stand people who look at their “resume” instead of what is best for them in the game. Voting Ben out would have been a huge move, but they told him they were voting for him. AND, it would have left the Burger Alliance at 3 vs 3. Why not keep him for another vote and then work to get rid of him? I don’t know where they find these people for casting, but they need to do a better job. I haven’t looked at the casting for the next season. I hope it’s decent!!

    I will say, these last two episodes have been a little bit more exciting. Like people have finally woken up and realized they’re playing survivor. And I do love the Loved Ones episode. I was kind of disappointed in their challenge, though. It seemed a bit anticlimactic.

    At this point, I’d be happy with Ben, Mike, or Devon winning. Chrissy has pissed me off, Ashley hasn’t done anything, and neither has Ryan.

    I hope you have a good week!

  2. Hi Jen! Thanks for the comment.

    Yeah, Lauren seems like that kinda person who knows they’re not that bright, so they overcompensate by trying to be nice/confident/tough. Like that’s gonna fool anyone!? Look, dumb people — not you, Jen — we all know you’re dumb. You can’t hide that shit. It comes out in what you say, how you react, and how you plan. Just accept the fact you’re dumb and keep quiet. As Judge Smails said, “The world needs ditch diggers too.” So, wise up, dummies, and stay unwise… (Ahhh, that was refreshing…)

    My prediction is Ben/Ryan/Chrissy at Final Tribal, only because I predicted Ben/Ryan, and I see Chrissy getting a FT edit. We’ll see. And maybe I’ll see b/c I just applied for Finale tickets. Will keep you posted…

    I honestly don’t care who wins. I just can’t even any more…

    I’m with you about casting. I think they’re either too lazy to search through all the applications, or they just read everyone’s app and go off who’s “story” is best. It’s like there’s no thought put into personality any more. Look, everyone’s gonna go into the casting interviews and SAY they’re gonna be energetic and create drama, but the producers have to do better. I also haven’t looked at next season, maybe I’ll do that now and write something about them tonight…

    Yeah, they phoned in that LO challenge. Sad… I guess I’d like Ben or Devon to win. We’ll see next week.

    Thank you, Jen. I did have a good week. Just hoping to get through December without any drama.

    Love ya!

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