SURVIVOR: HEROES VS HEALERS VS HUSTLERS – 10/11/17

Day 7 arrives at the Hustlers camp who evidently didn’t have any good soundbites after Tribal Council. But since Simone didn’t know people on the chopping block should pack their sh*t, a ton of her clothes are up for grabs. Patrick is particularly interested in an ugly New York Pink ensemble and the fact Ryan wants some knee-high boots is revealing a lot about his sexuality…

When Ali and Lauren leave camp together, Ryan and Patrick quickly agree they have more in common with Ali (due to her age…and the fact Patrick knew her from college!) than with their star center-fielder.

And BTW, where’s that cutie, Devon?

But hold on one cotton-pickin’ minute, do we need to talk about the fact Patrick and Ali knew each other before this season? Seriously, isn’t this a big problem for the integrity of the game? Shouldn’t someone (in casting) lose their job over this?

I read that Patrick helped Ali move apartments when they were both students at Auburn, so isn’t that kinda important to reveal to your fans? Or other players? I guess the Survivor Powers That Be know better than us, so I guess it’s a non-issue. But…this means that neither one of them can win this season, so don’t fault me for trashing either one of them in future recaps…

Unless Ali loses 15 lbs. and looks even hotter…

While exfoliating with Ali, Lauren brings up the question of who should go next. But…Ali’s reply is so non-committal, I don’t think Lauren believes what she’s being told. Thankfully, Devon approaches and joins the spa session, which changes the girls’ moods. They discuss how lame Patrick was at Tribal, and whether that’s enough to send him home next, but just then, Patrick and the bellhop (wearing Simone’s boots) walk up to find out what everyone’s talking about.

And, of course, Patrick does EXACTLY what they were just discussing – running his mouth at the wrong time – methinks we’re gonna seeing Patrick punch his ticket home tonight.

“Are y’all stupid!?” is not the way to endear yourself to your tribemates…

Over at the Heroes tribe, Chrissy and Ben confirm they’re tight and whisper about who’s the next to go. Ben confesses that while Ashley’s good around camp, J.P. fishes, and Alan’s been aligned with Ben since Day 1. However, the negatives are that J.P. is an idiot and Alan is a hothead. So, let’s see what other drama this tribe can create tonight…

Oh, here we go, Alan is about to chop off one of his fingers opening a coconut! Let’s watch!

Actually, I don’t wanna see that. Can we see what other drama will unfold…?

Here we go, J.P. is walking back to camp in his bikini briefs… Ashley’s comment:

“That’s a good size, J.P.,” clearly not talking about the fish he just caught.

And then while Alan just sits and glares at the “Power Couple,” Ashley confesses even though she’s starting to get a little damp “below the border,” she knows she can’t profess her love for J.P. or Alan will freak the f**k out. Which can only mean one thing: it’s time for Alan to go…

But when Ashley and Ben take a walk to discuss who they should target, Ben mentions that while Alan may be a disaster waiting to happen, he also doesn’t like that Ashley is pulling for J.P. to stay, because of the Power Couple rumor. Ben compares J.P. to a puppy – who can be lead around easily – and tells Ashley that means he could be lead around by anyone, not just his own tribemates…

At Healers, life is good when you’ve won every challenge, but Joe’s gotta spoil it by reminding us someone’s got to go first. And that’s going to be Doctor Dick, because of the supposed idol Joe convinced them Mike found. But, according to Joe, since Cole knows who really found it, that’s going to put a target on Cole’s back also, especially when Cole and Jessica have been spending a lot of time together. “Love is in the air” at the Healers tribe too, and Joe will have none of it…

But Jessica will not be swayed! She’s a woman in love and [she] loves what’s going through [her]… Maybe not yet, but soon, as she confesses she moves really slow when it comes to romance. Like, reeeaaallllyyy slow. Like, OMFG, she’s a virgin! This chick?! Um, I think that might be something you should tell Cole, because he may be looking for some Ponderosa p*ssy, and her “You gotta wait for it” tiara may not be what Cole’s after. Let’s see if she tells him…

Nope. She just wants to share how comfortable she is with him, and even drops a hint that he needs her to stick around to get to the end…

“I don’t know about that,” he says, crushing her…

But, after he confesses how much he’s crushing ON her, he tells her about helping Joe find the idol, which gives the virgin much glee. She knows this info will help her later in the game, and she gives him a big hug and kiss on the cheek…because that’s what virgins do when they like a boy.

And seriously, who the f**k is a virgin at age 29? Especially when you look like she does. I’m guessing there’s some religious angle to her frigidity, but honestly, I have no understanding of someone who hasn’t had sex at that age. It’s just weird to me. Either she’s a freaking bible thumper, or she’s got some stanky p*ssy…

Thankfully, Cole is laying on his stomach, otherwise we might see how “little Cole” (or is it “big Cole”?) is reacting to her kiss, but when he gets up to take a rinse off, we can see how much he likes Jessica. Schwing…!

And I really wish the post production department would’ve blurred the front of his chones, just for comic relief… Missed opportunity there, team…

But Jessica tells us kissing Cole means something to her, so I’m gonna mix another drink and freeze-frame this shot of Jessica’s butt cheeks for a while as I Google search “virgin nurses in Missouri.”

Dawn breaks at the Hustler casino (Day 8) and we see Patrick wander off into the jungle. This grabs the attention of Ryan, who confesses it’s “Survivor 101” that you don’t go looking for an idol in full view of your tribe. But Patrick thinks this method is exactly what the Hustlers tribe is all about, and has no qualms with his approach. He’s got Idol fever, and he’s wondering why no one else has caught it.

Ali recognizes her secret ally could burn her with his dumbass approach to the game, so she pulls him aside and gives him the lowdown that he needs to change his game. Yet, while he appreciates what she’s trying to do, he admits he’s gonna play “my game,” so her words are falling on deaf sunburned ears…

The Healers tribe – I have no idea what the real tribe names are, BTW – are cooking up some fritters but not cooking them well, evidently. This strikes Joe as something he needs to bi*ch about, and he even throws the undercooked taters into the forest. This strikes a few players as inexcusable – particularly Desi and Cole – who then confesses he really doesn’t like that Joe has that idol. He then mentions to Jessica it may not be a bad thing if they lose the next challenge and send Joe home, because Mr. Probation Occifer will be so confident it’s Viagra Man departing.

Cole then lets Roark know that Joe has the idol, and pretty much tells her everything he’s thinking up to this point. This puts Jessica in a “I think I’m holding onto my V-card a little while longer” mode because she does not agree that Cole should’ve shared this info with Roark so early. She would’ve preferred he saw how the immunity challenge went, and then THEY could figure out what to do. I don’t know, the V Queen is already claiming she’s making decisions for the Unflowered Couple, which is not a great plan for someone who doesn’t hold any cards.

Once Desi joins the conversation, Cole spills his plan to her too – and BTW, Desi looks smoking hot – and now Jessica is ready to burst. Not only does she have to share her man with Roark, now too with Desi, and she knows she’s no competition for Miss Virginia 2016, who’s probably not a virgin.

Later that day, it’s challenge time and we finally get to see how much Jeff Probst has aged since last week. Is that one reason we don’t see him as much? Whatev. He calls everyone in and we find out Simone has gone home. Boo-hoo. No surprised looks from anyone. Jeff takes back the D-cup idols and explains the challenge.

In it, tribes will race through an obstacle course, throw sand bags to knock blocks off a ledge, and then stack the blocks on top of each other. First two tribes to finish win immunity, and since Jeff reveals they’re also playing for Reward, we find out there’s either chickens or eggs as a bonus.

Mike sits out for the Healers and it’s time to bust a move…

Players say “neat-o” and check their libidos, and Jeff calls “go” in his new tuxedo…

Everyone makes their way through the obstacle course. The first big challenge is to get everyone up and on top of a net, which the Heroes accomplish first. When the tribes make it to the sandbags stage, there’s a bit of drama as Patrick doesn’t want to swap out and continues tossing sandbags. But he’s proficient enough, as are the other tribes, who finish this stage before the Hustlers.

The Healers and Heroes start building their stacks while Patrick continues to throw for the Hustlers, even while Lauren continually asks him to take a seat. I’m not sure swapping out would help them, but this is clearly something that’ll create some drama later, whether it be at Tribal Council or back at camp.

The Healers are making quick work of their stack, but after placing what they think is their last block and returning to their mat, Jeff announces they’re not done. And as my 5th grade teacher, Mrs. England, used to say, “you’re not done, you’re finished!” But the Healers aren’t finished, or done, or anything, as the camera pans over to a single block they forgot to place on the stack. This opens the door for the Heroes, who place their final block and race back to their mat.

When the blocks stay erect (schwing!) for 3 seconds, the Heroes tribe is “eatin’ mor chikin” tonight, as somewhere in the bay area, Tai is bawling…

So, the Hustlers are heading back to the Probst casino, and let’s see if Patrick’s selfishness comes back to burn him, or if Patrick’s searching for the idol comes back to burn him, or if Patrick’s acting the fool comes back to burn him…

Or if Lauren goes home because she’s older, heavier, and has a deeper accent than the ginger.

Once the spoils are handed out, Jeff asks the Hustlers how it feels. And if I’m not mistaken, Patrick was about to start crying, until Lauren stepped in to say it sucks they’re going back to Tribal. And even though she confesses “Patrick cost us the challenge,” I’m not sure I believe that as he was knocking off blocks. Just because he didn’t swap out doesn’t mean that he wasn’t the best person to keep throwing. But…Lauren tells us she can throw a softball as good as Yasiel Puig, so I’m beginning to wonder which one of these Hustlers is going home. Right now, without even seeing the next 23 minutes, I’m thinking it could be Lauren.