October 20th, 2017 | 4 Comments | Posted in Survivor 35 - H vs. H vs H

As I begin writing tonight’s column, the Dodgers are currently battling the Cubs in the 5th inning at Wrigley in game #4. Dodgers are down 2-1 but that means nothing. Actually, it does mean something. It means I’m not going to start writing my Survivor recap ‘til later. I’ll be back…

9:17pm The Dodgers just lost. F******ck….

9:18pm Alright, my pretties, it’s time to crack open another coconut of Survivor, and to be perfectly honest, I’m not sure how long tonight’s recap will be because:

A) I heard something crazy may be going down at Tribal, and
B) I’m drunk on Barefoot Chardonnay (“Barefoot Chardonnay, it’s how men want their women when drinking in the kitchen…”)

So, let’s rock this episode and hope it does more for us than the Dodgers did tonight. Thankfully, Kershaw is pitching tomorrow, so I trust we’re going back to the World Series. No offense, Cubs fans, you had your moment, once every 108 years, right?

Previously on…Survivor!

-at Heroes, Chrissy’s teeth and Ben are still super white…
-Ashley and Alan are not jiving.
-at Healers, Jessica and Cole are pre-coital
-at Hustlers, the softball player and Ronald MacDonald faced off, and the hamburger king threw the stink eye…

Once again, the Hustlers didn’t have anything good to say after Tribal so we fast forward to Day 9 and what looks to be a challenge. I think we all know what’s coming up…

“Drop your buffs, we are switching tribes.”

And in an instant, everyone realizes their best laid plans are either screwed, or saved. There are feigned attempts at happiness (to get more camera time), but I don’t think anyone should be happy at this news. Okay, maybe some of the Hustlers would like to be on different tribes.

The first thing I want to know is if Cole and Jessica are still together, because goshdarnit, they’re so damn cute! And lo and behold, they are! OMFG, Becky, look at her butt… So I guess this means there’ll be a bigger target on them now…

The new tribes are (and once again, I don’t know the tribe names):

Ashley (Hero)
Alan (Hero)
Desi (Healer)
Devon (Hustler)
Joe (Healer)

Ryan (Hustler)
Roark (Healer)
Chrissy (Hero)
J.P. (Hero)
Ali (Hustler)

Ben (Hero)
Jessica (Healer)
Dr. Dickenstein (Healer)
Cole (Healer)
Lauren (Hustler)

And immediately, I’m thinking Devon, Roark, and Lauren are screwed, because they’re all on tribes by themselves. That’s never good. Maybe they’ll have some luck integrating into a new alliance, so, good luck with that, Lauren…

And from my initial assessment, it looks like the Blue tribe (okay, fine, it’s Levu) will be a very strong tribe. The new Soko tribe (Yellow) is probably the weakest (and Tattoo (Roark) is facing an uphill battle). The new Red (Yawa) tribe features three Healers plus Ben and Lauren. Ben sums it up.

“I’m scared.”

On to the challenge and it’ll be for Reward. In it, three members will be hooked together and need to untangle a rope. Then, they’ll use that rope to lasso a sled and pull it towards them. The final two members will use the pieces on the sled to solve a puzzle. Tribes are playing for PB&Js and some potato chips to satisfy those junk food cravings everyone’s dealing with… And Jeff has one more surprise:

“Winner takes all.”

So, there’s no second-place reward of licking the knife, or licking the bag, or licking anything of the winners… Let’s get straight to it. And I’m thinking with all that strength on the Blue tribe, they should do well, right?

As the challenge gets under way, Jeff makes a big deal of the communication skills that previous tribemates share in untangling the rope, but it’s not like these people speak different languages. I think he’s trying to create some drama. That said, Yawa is leading and Soko is close behind. The Levu tribe can’t even figure out how to untangle a frickin’ rope… Wrong again, Fish…

The Red tribe (Yawa) hooks their sled first, and starts hauling it towards them. It’s pretty heavy in the sand, so everyone’s getting tested. When they finish, Jessica and the Viagra King start solving the puzzle.

J.P. succeeds in hooking the Soko sled and soon they’re solving their puzzle too, but in the Levu lane, Alan is having trouble figuring out how much slack rope to keep as he continues to throw misfires.

There’s a bit of tension as Soko and Yawa jockey back and forth with their puzzle pieces, but Jessica and Mr. Erection Inspection shift their final ones around and bring home the bacon for Yawa. It’s PB&Js for the love birds and their tribe. And I hope Mike brought a little blue pill for “little Cole”…

Ali takes us to break and mentions “you gotta perform,” and I’m wondering if she’s speaking to us…or Cole.

Back at Yawa, the tribe is enjoying their grub and Ben confesses he’s a little concerned about being the only Hero on this tribe. As they gather to stuff their faces, Jessica realizes the bag of chips she selected is stuffed with something…it’s a Secret Advantage! But she can’t do anything about it at this moment in such close quarters. She’ll need to feign a poop break, and read the clue then, hopefully not using it to wipe her behind.

While the others are taking a piss break, she makes her way back to camp to read the clue. It says that she can block one person’s vote at the next Tribal, or if Yawa doesn’t go to Tribal, she must give it to someone on the losing tribe. Jessica is stoked she gets to work on her Survivor resume, but is this really something that gives her any power in the game…?

Right away, she reveals her Secret Advantage to Cole and Mike, since they were original Healers. Cole is super stoked to hear she’s still on his cock, I mean, tribe, and I can’t wait to see where this leads.

So, what does Cole do? He goes and tells the only two people he shouldn’t be revealing secret information to: Ben and Lauren. What an idiot! They both pretend to thank him, but Lauren has her bulls**t meter turnt up, and admits she needs to rely on herself to get through this mess. And from the footage I’m seeing of Cole and Jessica practicing their swing dancing, I’m thinking the show is setting them up for a fall, making them appear to be a “Power Couple in trouble,” as in, this season’s FigTayls. Wonder if they have a Plan B…?

Over at Soko, introductions are officially made, and Ryan is stoked Chrissy is on this tribe. Considering he gave her the Secret Advantage in episode 1, he’s hoping that bonded her with him. And when they take a walk to the well together and he reveals he was the one, Chrissy confirms they are aligned. There’s something weird about this scene. And I’m not sure what it is. Maybe it’s Chrissy’s teeth, or maybe it’s the turtleneck, but something is telling me these two aren’t making it to Final Tribal. Your thoughts?

At the new Levu tribe, Desi recognizes Devon is the lone Hustler, but says she wants to keep him around as a swing vote. Meanwhile, Ashley and Alan are willing to put their crap behind them and agree to take out a Healer, because there are still six of them left. However, when Desi and Joe pull Devon aside, Joe takes this opportunity to divulge the Heroes want to take him out (a lie) which causes Devon to panic a little. And causes me to think Joe is putting another target on his own back, even though he didn’t need to (since he holds an idol). Methinks Joe is plays a little too hard too early, maybe that’s just the booze talking. And for some reason, I’m screaming at my TV set, “f**k you, Joe, just f**king f**k you…!”

Hold on, I just accidentally popped over to Twitter and saw a post from Rachel Ako where she’s showing off her ass:

Um, yes please! I don’t know what she’s asking me to vote for, but I’m voting for it. And I have no qualms posting this because I am seriously in lust with Rachel and hope someone lets her know I just said that, drunkenly, in this recap…

And I presume she posted THAT pic because she was drunk, and so we’re a match made in heaven…

Day 10 at Yawa, and Cole and Jessica are back to fishing alone. This gives the others (Lauren, Ben and Mike) an opportunity to chat wherein Lauren reveals she was informed about a Secret Advantage by either Cole or Jessica. Mike assumes it was Cole, because “that d**k can’t keep his mouth shut.”

Why’s it always gotta be about d**ks with this guy…?

He wades out to Jessica and Cole and accuses them of keeping secrets from him, but when Jessica asks him what he’s talking about, Mike tells them what Lauren said about the Secret Advantage being “in the chips.” Jessica instantly knows she’s been sold out by either Mike or Cole. When she confronts Cole about it, he eventually fesses up he told Ben.

I’m sure this has more to do with him not wanting to blow any chance of Jessica blowing him, but you can see how uncomfortable this has become. And as Jessica confesses – in tears – she regrets telling Cole because she now must reconsider how she moves forward in the game, I’m feeling this is getting a little too emotional for me. I think it may be the wine…or because the Dodgers lost…

Why can’t anyone find true love on reality TV anymore…!?


  1. Ugh I have to disagree, I was bored out of my mind with this episode. I fell asleep for a few minutes. I went and rewatched, since I missed the part where it was decided to given Cole the Secret Advantage. Oh wait, wtf, that was never shown. So we are not given any reason for that decision, FU survivor. (or did I fall asleep twice?)

    Still can’t figure out why Alan was pissed at Cole, thinking he had been double crossed, did Alan miss Cole getting the disadvantage? I forget Alan is an idiot.

    I hating Jeff’s closing monologue about the fickle fate of Survivor, no it was not something natural, it was some stupid scheme thought up by the producers. Please let the game occur naturally.
    I also hate three teams, I prefer two, and I loathe three teams after a merge.

    Who the heck is this Roark person? I must have slept during the times she was previously shown.

    I am thinking Chrissy is going far, since she seems to get a few added scenes showing her in a positive light.And why is she named as a financial analyst when she is an actuary?
    Can someone please take a machete to Joe. What sucks is that he will be cast on a reunion show.

  2. Fish,
    Your recap was really uncomfortable to read this week. You’re worried about alienating your readers with the My Two Cents portion, but as a woman I felt more uncomfortable with the Maxim garbage. Really unnecessary and it detracts from your recaps. Your first two recaps were on the ball, this one just felt like a hot mess.
    I honestly don’t have much else to say. Quite taken aback this week. Hoping it was just a one-off.

  3. Doc! You’re drunk, you keep saying Cole but I know you mean Devon. That’s cool, I’m sure I’m fucking up the tribe names this season. You’re definitely right about the boredom factor. Snore city! The fact I mention Chrissy’s teeth each week instead of someone’s tits is validation this season ain’t shit. Let’s see if Desi takes off her top for some peanut butter later in the season… And Roark will definitely be someone we’re talking about during Jury time. I just get that feeling. And yes, Joe needs to die. There’s no nice way to say that…

    Lil! OMFG, what are you talking about? Rachel is a former Survivor player. It’s not like I posted it just because it’s some chick’s butt. Rachel is a part of Survivor lore, and the photo of her was tastefully shot, didn’t show any vajayjay, and if you’ve been reading my recaps for a while, you know I’m R-rated, and I mention tits, and dicks, and whatever other dirty stuff pops into my head each week. At the top of the page it says “sophomoric” and I take that to heart. I’m sorry you don’t like seeing a woman’s ass, but even Rachel had no problem with me posting it. She’s trying to win a competition, and get noticed, and has no problem posing nude to do that. Sorry, not gonna change my approach just because some may not approve. It’s just a butt… Hope we don’t lose you…

  4. Fish, here is the deal. Most people don’t want lectures on oppression by athletes making millions of dollars like NFL players. They don’t want advice on gun control from the likes of Jimmy Kimmel who have million dollar mansions with the most high tech security money can buy and who travel with ARMED bodyguards 24/7 . They don’t to hear someone lecture on what the current POTUS said 10 years ago from rappers who write songs about drugs, rape , threats and bashing of homosexuals and killing their wife and mother. Nor from a columnist who objectifies women on a weekly basis. That’s called being a hypocrite. I know that myself and many others enjoy a little of that sexually suggestive banter. The issue becomes when you think its okay for you but bash others for the very same thing. Its making it where I am no longer looking forward to your re caps . I don’t think I am alone in feeling that way.

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