October 5th, 2017 | 5 Comments | Posted in Survivor 35 - H vs. H vs H

“…if you feel like letting go,
If you think you’ve had too much,
Of this life…
Well, hang on…”

What an incredibly awful week it’s been. I’m not gonna go deep into what happened in Las Vegas, we’ve already been exposed to way too much as it is. But what I am willing to discuss, is that these events have become far too common, and for some reason, our leaders seem to be unable to do the right thing. I’ll give you My Two Cents at the end of the column, let’s change the subject, shall we?

And then Tom Petty dies. Yup, another one of our icons has departed and it’s heartbreaking (see what I did there?) to know friends of mine saw him perform last week, and now he’s gone. What a sh*tty week it’s been.

On Monday afternoon, I was sitting in LA traffic, cranking the oldies station I listen to. And I finally realized the one trait I’m looking for in a woman is that she “keeps her motor clean,” (thanks AC/DC and Motley Crue!), but then there was a string of three songs played: David Bowie, Prince, and then Tom Petty. And as I sat there in traffic, next to my 10-year-old, I teared up at having lost another idol. I really hope Tera Patrick lives forever!

Okay, I need to find some humor here, and thankfully tonight’s column is sponsored by the good folks at The Naked Grape wineries.

“Naked Grape, the grapes aren’t naked, but we are when we stomp them.”

Love that catchphrase… So, having plied myself with enough Chardonnay to decompress after my long drive home, I think I’m ready to watch some Survivor. Are you? Wait, some dude on the D-backs just hit a triple in the wild card game, so I may need to delay my start. No, I can’t do that to you. You’ve been great at commenting this week (thank you!) so I’m gonna turn off the game. And who cares about Arizona vs. Colorado anyways…? (not gonna apologize, I’m a Dodger fan).

Alrighty, let’s bust open this coconut and find out about the lovefests this week. We know Cole and Jessica are about to bump unwashed uglies, Chrissy looks to be ready to enlist in Ben’s army, and Ali might be willing to be Patrick’s “girl Friday.” So, let’s dive right in. Someone’s going home, and thankfully this isn’t life and death. Way too much of that recently. This is just for a million bucks; so, the stakes are minimal…

Previously on…Survivor!

We’re reminded of the following:

-At Healers, Joe “interrogated” Mike (uh, Jeff, that’s not an interrogation, that’s called bullying)
-At Hustlers, Patrick and Ali…sittin’ in a tree. Ryan and Devon…K-I-S-S-I-N-G…
-At Heroes, “Die Fantastischen Vier” (paying homage to my favorite German rap group) stuck together to vote out Katrina (sans her Waves) and Chrissy held onto the SuperIdol for who knows what reason.

However, after one commenter (shout out to thedoctor!) mentioned that Chrissy can now keep the Idol and pretend it’s a real one, and see what trouble that stirs up on the Heroes tribe. Not sure if they’ll be pissed she didn’t mention it, or if she’ll be able to use it to play both sides of the Fantastic Four against each other, which might leave Chrissy in a better spot than she is now. Let’s see if she made the right choice last week.

When the Heroes return to camp (Night 3) Chrissy volunteers to go get water, but there are no takers to go with her. The tribe is more interested in taking a collective breath and agrees they don’t want to return to Tribal anytime soon. Chrissy confesses she’s in a better place now because of the cracks that were exposed at Tribal, and she now has the SuperIdol to use as a decoy, if she needs. Clever girls, those actuaries…

Meanwhile, Alan confesses he got what he wanted because everyone now knows about the possible Power Couple of J.P. and Ashley. And even if it’s a lie, Alan feels the suspicion of them being together is enough to do some damage. You keep up the false accusations, Alan, and there may be a job for you in government when this is all over.

When Ashley pulls Ben and Chrissy aside to discuss how crazy Alan is, they seem to believe the lifeguard is telling the truth. Ben tells us that even though they’re going to make it seem that the “core 4” (Ben, J.P., Ashley, Alan) are still working together, they’re not. Alan jacked that up, and now he’s gonna feel the Heroes’ wrath.

“Now, it’s every man for himself,” Ben predicts…

The following day at the Hustler camp (Day 4) everyone seems to be very hard at work, except Simone. I guess this is how she’s being set up as “the lazy one” in the tribe. But first, we get to see a little of the bromance that’s developing between Devon and Ryan, based on the loving gazes they’re throwing at each other.

But wait, we’ve reached a milestone! Simone pooped!

Yes, our sweet Simone has finally achieved the ability to relieve herself in the water, shooting off chocolate torpedoes like it’s the Gulf of Tonkin. And she’s SO proud to share that fact with everyone. Not sure I’ve ever seen a scene like this in Survivor, so I guess that means they’re also setting her up for tonight’s torch snuffing.

From the looks on everyone’s faces, they’re mortified they have to hear her describe dropping a Dong Hoi, but they’re doing their best to support the war effort. Simone’s feeling so confident, she even wants to gut a fish (um, did you sanitize those hands?) even though she’s never done THAT either. I guess she thinks if she gives the tribe H. pylori they’ll all have something else to bond over.

Later, Ali and Simone talk a stroll to the well to refill their jugs (schwing!) and Ali gives RBF (resting bi*ch face) a pep talk on how to – or not to – talk about yourself while in game. Ali knows if she can pull Simone closer, she’ll be a good ally to have, because she’ll be loyal. And if they can go deep (schwing!), Ali will not have to worry about losing to the girl who’s still looking for the jungle thermostat.

“I could use Simone like putty in my hands,” Ali tells us.

Meanwhile, over in the Healers lagoon, the Jessica/Cole courting session is in full bloom. She’s doing her best to not catch any fish, forcing Cole to give her the old, “It’s still super cute the way you don’t catch fish.” These two are hooking up at Ponderosa for sure, or maybe sooner.

Back at camp, Mike, Desi, Joe and Roark are together, and Joe admits Dr. Blue Pill is growing on him a little. Wait, that sounds gross. Joe thinks Mike is not as bad as he once thought, but The Boner King is still on his sh*t list. The running gag at camp is that Joe and Mike are on the wrong tribe – since everyone else is so attractive, a la the Beauty tribes in Cagayan and Kaoh Rong – but Joe can’t think about that now. He admits he may have burned himself a little when he accused Mike of having an idol, because now he can’t go searching for it as much as he’d like. But…given 10-minutes alone while everyone heads to the well, Joe peels off into the jungle to see if he can find a clue.

After clawing and scratching at the base of a couple trees, he stumbles upon a map etched into a tree trunk, which seems to indicate a place where he should dig for a clue. But Joe’s “not a smart man,” and isn’t able to figure out what it means. He confesses he’ll need to ask Cole for help, since he’s spent the most time near the beach.

When he finds him, Joe spills about the clue in the trunk and the pair go back to review the marking. While Joe thought the symbol on the map was the raft, Cole instantly realizes the symbol indicates the well, so now both know where to look. Now, I think a smarter player might pretend the symbol was something other than the well, so he can go look for it alone, but Cole is thinking with “little Cole” again, based on the date he just shared with Jessica.

Joe is a little miffed he needed help to figure out the clue, but Cole takes this exchange as something he was cut out to do in life, and now Joe should view him as an asset. Not sure about that, kid, Joe seems like the kinda player to recognize your strengths and cut you loose because of it. We’ll see what happens.

And sure enough, they find the idol relatively quickly. And what does Joe confess as soon as he’s given the chance? He says Cole is now a threat and he may have to cut him loose. Dick move! And he’s not even a urologist! Doesn’t Joe realize that to win the game you must play WITH some people?! Not sure I wanna start talking about how dumb this cast is, but let’s be ready to do that if a few more boneheaded moves are made.


  1. As usual, I agree with you Fish. Joe is a douche. I’m not surprised his useless brain couldn’t figure out that it was a drawing of the well. I knew it wasn’t a raft and that the “OCEAN” was just a map indication, not the location itself. I agree that Cole probably should have played dumb too, but I suppose it’s hard to think game in the heat of the moment. He seems good hearted and did the honest thing. Hopefully it doesn’t bite him in his tush.
    As for Patrick… he is a nut case. Honestly. ADHD for certain. And that’s coming from someone with a BA in Psychology. I don’t see him lasting. He’ll get annoying really fast – I’m already annoyed, and I’m not even on the island.
    I really REALLY love Devon. I can see him going far and being a very Ken-like player. Granted, he’s a lot younger and not as mature, but I can see him fairing well. I may be biased because I find him gorgeous (not as gorgeous as Ken, but he’ll have to do for this season)…
    I’m really liking the “my two cents” section of your recaps. I’d love to see them be a permanent fixture! I actually agree with everything you said about gun control. Guns are banned here in Toronto but things still happen. Unfortunately there isn’t a law banning stupidity, or a cure for it either.
    Keep up the great recaps and PLEASE continue with the “my two cents” feature!

  2. As mentioned above, probably of heat a the moment that Cole gave away the meaning. He was smart enough to hack the map odd the tree later. But I was screaming NO when he told Joe the meaning.
    I now have a crush on Ali the bra/pantie outfit looks great to me!
    I fell for the Survivor fake and thought Patrick was a goner..
    Wait there is a black woman on this season? Is this a case of Survivor slow playing her, that she will be a force later? Or just not the usual Angry Black Women survivor likes to feature, so less air time?
    What was the point of having the Survivor destinations on the boards? Did I miss something? Were those clues? Perhaps the order of the seasons?
    As for guns, I have never owned one because I am afraid I will do something like your dad. Man I do stupid stuff when drunk. But I do feel people should have a right to own, just not sure how to regulate it or if it should be. I also don’t trust our government. I guess living in the burbs, just makes guns pretty much a non-factor in my life. I should care more, but have enough other ScheiB to worry about. Like why aren’t there more hot women on this season!

  3. Dang my reply looks crazy. I wish we could edit.
    As mentioned above, probably a heat of the moment that Cole gave away the meaning. He was smart enough to hack the map off the tree later

  4. Hi lil, welcome back. Thanks for being “on it” with your comments…

    Yeah, what’s up with Joe? Makes me feel bad for the convicts he has to work with. As in, “is this the best person to be someone’s probation officer?” Just think he’s one decision away from being a convict on his own… And fingers crossed Cole gets to hang around and mack on Jessica a little more… While I agree Patrick is a doofus, I think the one thing we’re forgetting is that we saw maybe 45 seconds of him acting like an idiot over the course of 3 days. He’s probably not THAT bad, we just got to see all the times he acted like an idiot. As I said in the column, they had to give us SOMETHING else besides “Simone is 100% going home.” I like Devon too. He’s got an amiability about him that serve him well. I’m sure he’ll show a dark side later — hopefully a lot later — and we’ll see how his alliance with the bellhop works for him. As we all know, sometimes players get caught on the wrong side of the numbers, but let’s hope that doesn’t happen to Devon. I like a person who can smile when he’s playing a game like Survivor. Makes me think he’s really having fun… And THANK YOU for liking My Two Cents. I am liking the opportunity to actually “say something” each week, aside from the drivel in my recaps. At the end of the day, I’m just throwing shit at the walls in my recaps, but with M2C, I can explore more adult topics. Hopefully I’m not ostracizing a huge segment of my readers. If so, oh well… I had a conversation with a friend a few months ago about some of the jokes I made at Michaela’s expense. My friend was saying that I “owed it” to my readers to not cross certain lines, and my retort was that I can’t write my column as if I’m trying to win a Pulitzer. Sometimes, I gotta cross some lines to make a joke, or make a point, and sometimes, I just say shit to stir the pot. My column, to a degree, is like my Twitter, where I say stuff just to get a reaction sometimes. That’s the whole point of social media anyways, right? So thank you for reading, and this week’s M2C will be about the Cam Newton/female reporter kerfuffle… Stay tuned!

    doc! What’re you, drunk!? I’m like, is this even English…? I’m kidding bro. Love that you’re invested… Yeah, I think Ali is growing on me a little. I am looking forward to how the “Survivor diet” affects everyone… And yeah, Desi’s kinda not an entity yet, but maybe that means she’s coming hard later on (I wish). And to all things holy, I pray that they don’t make her play the ABW card. Can we just get a woman who is serious about winning without playing a stereotype? You know they cast players for a reason, and typically, the ABW card is punched… I think the locations were just names on the boards, nothing more… And yeah, I grew up in the ‘burbs (which is one of the reasons I thought it stupid my dad wanted a gun). Having lived in the “the city” for the last 20 years, I can see why some people might want one, but even then, I wasn’t in a bad neighborhood. I’m sure if I lived in the ‘hood I’d have no problem owning a gun for protection, but not where I lived. Now that I’m back in the suburbs, I’m back to hating guns altogether. There are just so many horror stories of kids finding/shooting their parent’s guns, and it pisses me off that the kids were able to even do that. Who doesn’t lock their gun up? I’m not even an owner and I know how to store a firearm. Again, there should be some kind of intelligence test given… As I said, nothing will change until something really bad happens… (And I can’t believe all these “really bad” shootings haven’t motivated our leaders to do something.).

    Thanks for the comments! Keep ’em coming…

  5. Fashionably late, per usual. I’m struggling with this season. Usually there are at least a couple of standouts early on that I can get behind. I think maybe I like Chrissy now that we have her explanation for not using the super idol. Ryan seems okay in a darling, nerdy way. And I like Devon. Everyone else is just kind of blending together for me at this point. I loathe Joe and Alan. I also feel like the editing is being dumb this season, too. It seems all over the place and I don’t like it. Maybe it will get better once we go to two tribes? I can’t really put my finger on what is bothering me about it. I just feel like they’re trying to mislead me on purpose and keep me in the dark. I’m crabby tonight, clearly 🙂

    Fish, I’m really digging the My Two Cents part of this. Probably because I agree with you on everything. I cannot believe that our leaders don’t see the wisdom in stronger gun regulation. I, also, grew up in the burbs without any exposure to guns (my dad had a drinking problem, but no guns). So, I’m probably a tad biased, but I don’t get the need to have a personal arsenal. You want to protect your family? That’s awesome. I support that. But do you need 47 guns to accomplish that? Nope.

    Here’s hoping this week’s episode gets me a little more invested. I think maybe I’m just bored with these people. Cause they’re idiots right now. Have a good few days! I’m planning to watch on time this week 🙂

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