SURVIVOR: HEROES VS HEALERS VS HUSTLERS – 10/4/17

“…if you feel like letting go,
If you think you’ve had too much,
Of this life…
Well, hang on…”

What an incredibly awful week it’s been. I’m not gonna go deep into what happened in Las Vegas, we’ve already been exposed to way too much as it is. But what I am willing to discuss, is that these events have become far too common, and for some reason, our leaders seem to be unable to do the right thing. I’ll give you My Two Cents at the end of the column, let’s change the subject, shall we?

And then Tom Petty dies. Yup, another one of our icons has departed and it’s heartbreaking (see what I did there?) to know friends of mine saw him perform last week, and now he’s gone. What a sh*tty week it’s been.

On Monday afternoon, I was sitting in LA traffic, cranking the oldies station I listen to. And I finally realized the one trait I’m looking for in a woman is that she “keeps her motor clean,” (thanks AC/DC and Motley Crue!), but then there was a string of three songs played: David Bowie, Prince, and then Tom Petty. And as I sat there in traffic, next to my 10-year-old, I teared up at having lost another idol. I really hope Tera Patrick lives forever!

Okay, I need to find some humor here, and thankfully tonight’s column is sponsored by the good folks at The Naked Grape wineries.

“Naked Grape, the grapes aren’t naked, but we are when we stomp them.”

Love that catchphrase… So, having plied myself with enough Chardonnay to decompress after my long drive home, I think I’m ready to watch some Survivor. Are you? Wait, some dude on the D-backs just hit a triple in the wild card game, so I may need to delay my start. No, I can’t do that to you. You’ve been great at commenting this week (thank you!) so I’m gonna turn off the game. And who cares about Arizona vs. Colorado anyways…? (not gonna apologize, I’m a Dodger fan).

Alrighty, let’s bust open this coconut and find out about the lovefests this week. We know Cole and Jessica are about to bump unwashed uglies, Chrissy looks to be ready to enlist in Ben’s army, and Ali might be willing to be Patrick’s “girl Friday.” So, let’s dive right in. Someone’s going home, and thankfully this isn’t life and death. Way too much of that recently. This is just for a million bucks; so, the stakes are minimal…

Previously on…Survivor!

We’re reminded of the following:

-At Healers, Joe “interrogated” Mike (uh, Jeff, that’s not an interrogation, that’s called bullying)
-At Hustlers, Patrick and Ali…sittin’ in a tree. Ryan and Devon…K-I-S-S-I-N-G…
-At Heroes, “Die Fantastischen Vier” (paying homage to my favorite German rap group) stuck together to vote out Katrina (sans her Waves) and Chrissy held onto the SuperIdol for who knows what reason.

However, after one commenter (shout out to thedoctor!) mentioned that Chrissy can now keep the Idol and pretend it’s a real one, and see what trouble that stirs up on the Heroes tribe. Not sure if they’ll be pissed she didn’t mention it, or if she’ll be able to use it to play both sides of the Fantastic Four against each other, which might leave Chrissy in a better spot than she is now. Let’s see if she made the right choice last week.

When the Heroes return to camp (Night 3) Chrissy volunteers to go get water, but there are no takers to go with her. The tribe is more interested in taking a collective breath and agrees they don’t want to return to Tribal anytime soon. Chrissy confesses she’s in a better place now because of the cracks that were exposed at Tribal, and she now has the SuperIdol to use as a decoy, if she needs. Clever girls, those actuaries…

Meanwhile, Alan confesses he got what he wanted because everyone now knows about the possible Power Couple of J.P. and Ashley. And even if it’s a lie, Alan feels the suspicion of them being together is enough to do some damage. You keep up the false accusations, Alan, and there may be a job for you in government when this is all over.

When Ashley pulls Ben and Chrissy aside to discuss how crazy Alan is, they seem to believe the lifeguard is telling the truth. Ben tells us that even though they’re going to make it seem that the “core 4” (Ben, J.P., Ashley, Alan) are still working together, they’re not. Alan jacked that up, and now he’s gonna feel the Heroes’ wrath.

“Now, it’s every man for himself,” Ben predicts…

The following day at the Hustler camp (Day 4) everyone seems to be very hard at work, except Simone. I guess this is how she’s being set up as “the lazy one” in the tribe. But first, we get to see a little of the bromance that’s developing between Devon and Ryan, based on the loving gazes they’re throwing at each other.

But wait, we’ve reached a milestone! Simone pooped!

Yes, our sweet Simone has finally achieved the ability to relieve herself in the water, shooting off chocolate torpedoes like it’s the Gulf of Tonkin. And she’s SO proud to share that fact with everyone. Not sure I’ve ever seen a scene like this in Survivor, so I guess that means they’re also setting her up for tonight’s torch snuffing.

From the looks on everyone’s faces, they’re mortified they have to hear her describe dropping a Dong Hoi, but they’re doing their best to support the war effort. Simone’s feeling so confident, she even wants to gut a fish (um, did you sanitize those hands?) even though she’s never done THAT either. I guess she thinks if she gives the tribe H. pylori they’ll all have something else to bond over.

Later, Ali and Simone talk a stroll to the well to refill their jugs (schwing!) and Ali gives RBF (resting bi*ch face) a pep talk on how to – or not to – talk about yourself while in game. Ali knows if she can pull Simone closer, she’ll be a good ally to have, because she’ll be loyal. And if they can go deep (schwing!), Ali will not have to worry about losing to the girl who’s still looking for the jungle thermostat.

“I could use Simone like putty in my hands,” Ali tells us.

Meanwhile, over in the Healers lagoon, the Jessica/Cole courting session is in full bloom. She’s doing her best to not catch any fish, forcing Cole to give her the old, “It’s still super cute the way you don’t catch fish.” These two are hooking up at Ponderosa for sure, or maybe sooner.

Back at camp, Mike, Desi, Joe and Roark are together, and Joe admits Dr. Blue Pill is growing on him a little. Wait, that sounds gross. Joe thinks Mike is not as bad as he once thought, but The Boner King is still on his sh*t list. The running gag at camp is that Joe and Mike are on the wrong tribe – since everyone else is so attractive, a la the Beauty tribes in Cagayan and Kaoh Rong – but Joe can’t think about that now. He admits he may have burned himself a little when he accused Mike of having an idol, because now he can’t go searching for it as much as he’d like. But…given 10-minutes alone while everyone heads to the well, Joe peels off into the jungle to see if he can find a clue.

After clawing and scratching at the base of a couple trees, he stumbles upon a map etched into a tree trunk, which seems to indicate a place where he should dig for a clue. But Joe’s “not a smart man,” and isn’t able to figure out what it means. He confesses he’ll need to ask Cole for help, since he’s spent the most time near the beach.

When he finds him, Joe spills about the clue in the trunk and the pair go back to review the marking. While Joe thought the symbol on the map was the raft, Cole instantly realizes the symbol indicates the well, so now both know where to look. Now, I think a smarter player might pretend the symbol was something other than the well, so he can go look for it alone, but Cole is thinking with “little Cole” again, based on the date he just shared with Jessica.

Joe is a little miffed he needed help to figure out the clue, but Cole takes this exchange as something he was cut out to do in life, and now Joe should view him as an asset. Not sure about that, kid, Joe seems like the kinda player to recognize your strengths and cut you loose because of it. We’ll see what happens.

And sure enough, they find the idol relatively quickly. And what does Joe confess as soon as he’s given the chance? He says Cole is now a threat and he may have to cut him loose. Dick move! And he’s not even a urologist! Doesn’t Joe realize that to win the game you must play WITH some people?! Not sure I wanna start talking about how dumb this cast is, but let’s be ready to do that if a few more boneheaded moves are made.