SURVIVOR: HEROES VS HEALERS VS HUSTLERS – 12/13/17

Dawn breaks on Day 34 and everyone is still asleep. Ben awakens first and gets the fire going. When he notices he’s the only one up, he decides to combine his firewood gathering with an idol search and heads into the woods. He knows idols are introduced back into the game once they’re played, and he’s counting on finding the same type of clue that helped him find his other idol.

Back at camp, Chrissy and Mike have woken up and immediately noticed Ben is gone, and are concerned about him searching for an idol. The fact he’s been gone 45 minutes is enough time to find one, and if he does, that’ll screw EVERYTHING up at Tribal. Let’s hope that happens. Roll credits…

Right now, I’m hoping John Kirhoffer has devised the perfect Immunity Challenge for Ben to win again, but we’ll have to find that out later in the episode. First up, we have a Reward Challenge, and when Jeff tells us everyone’s going to be connected in pairs, I’m already thinking ahead to the Ben/Chrissy team I alluded to last week. We’ll get to the teams later, but what they’ll be doing is weaving their way through an obstacle course located in the shallow waters and eventually make their way to the finish line on the beach. Once there, they must try to throw 5 rings on a target.

“Wanna know what you’re playing for?” Jeff teases…

Everyone melts as they hear they’re playing for “lamb, chicken, lobster, cocktails, and chocolate mousse…and then you’ll have the opportunity to sleep with your partner in a bed,” because the crew is a bunch of pervs, and everyone wants to see Ben and Chrissy hook up just once…after a shower…on camera.

Random teams are drawn, and before they’re even picked, I’m hoping for: Ben & Chrissy, Devon & Ashley, Ryan & Mike, but I’m a perv too, and I really wanna see Ryan and Mike cuddling just once. And when Probst yells, “Let’s get it on!” I think he’s portending something juicy.

However, the random draw produces the following:

Ben & Ashley
Chris & Devon
Ryan & Mike

Well, at least one of my fantasies can come true tonight…

As the challenge gets under way, a few things are apparent…

-Hey Chrissy, nice cooter!
-the Marine knows how to get it done on an obstacle course.
-Ryan and Mike are beginning their foreplay and arguing.
-Hey Ashley, nice cooter!
-I guess Ryan never attended the Bellhop Olympics?
-And why do the extreme wide shots have Ben’s buttcrack blurred? Are we really that conservative, CBS?

Ashley and Ben can unclip first and start tossing rings. Ben throws first, and misses!

And is anyone else thinking Ashley could throw this challenge so Ben doesn’t win? Let’s keep our eye on that.

Chrissy and Devon get through the obstacle course a few seconds later and begin to toss. Devon will throw, and hits the first one! Mike and Ryan are now tossing too.

-Mike lands one.
-Devon hits #2.
-Ben hits 3-in-a-row and it looks like he’s played “Ring toss on ISIS soldier’s head who’s buried in the sand while I urinate on his face”…
-Devon connects on his 3rd ring.
-Ryan steps in for Mike and lands #2.
-Devon “Jerry West’s” #4!
-Ben is thisclose to hitting #4…
-Devon takes his time…and hits #5! Looks like someone’s sleeping with Chrissy tonight, and it’s not Ben.

I guess the only other question is whether Jeff will allow them to take someone else along to videotape tonight’s exploits. And I’m guessing that would be Ashley, but let’s see what Jeff has up his sleeve…

“Because this is Survivor, you can pick one more person.”

Dude, I should be a producer on this show.

Devon and Chrissy ask to discuss their pick in private, and of course, Jeff says, “Whatever.”

Chrissy immediately whispers to Devon it should be Ryan, and I’m not sure what’s her rationale for that, but that’s what Devon tells Jeff. And the look on Ashley’s face when she hears Ryan’s name called is priceless, so let’s see how this plays back at camp.

Even Jeff notices how pissed she is, and her reply to him is basically, “I thought Devon would have my back, or my front, but clearly Chrissy is calling the shots. No sex wax for you, surf dude, when you return to camp.” This is all Ben needs to hear to recognize he’s found a crack in the Veggie alliance. She’s “hangry,” and that’s one way to break up an alliance on Day 34.

When the losers do get back to camp, they decide to vent for a while, and Mike’s the chief venter. He’s particularly pissed Ryan was chosen, because,

-he was the lamest in the challenge
-he’s the youngest, so “he has the most energy.”

Not sure that works for me considering Ryan’s physique, but Mike is pissed, and the last thing anyone wants to see is a pissed-off urologist. Trust me, ladies…

Tricky Dick recognizes he’s in the middle of the former alliances, so he thinks he should have been brought on the Reward, but when Ben asks him who he’s gunning for next, the doc says, “after you?” so Ben knows he’s got work to do. And since he knows Mike wants him gone, the Boner Whisperer will be Ben’s next target, and hopefully Ashley will be pissed enough to consider flipping.

But Ashley’s bitchiness is also directed at Ben, so the Marine confesses speaking with her is like speaking to a brick wall…or an Iraqi villager. He says he’s “going to get water,” and we all know what that means…

“I’m going to look for an idol.”

At the same moment, Mike returns to camp and he tells us he’s already searched the beach, the well, and the trails for the idol and found nothing, so he’s not worried Ben will find it. This bit of hubris is shocking, and we know what’ll probably happen…

But first, let’s bounce over to the reward and see how amazing this feast will be. But first, let’s check out how amazing this private resort is. But first, can we discuss how amazing this feast is? Too many stimuli for this group to take in, and it’s clear to me they’re not good at improvising on camera… Acting 101. However, after feasting for a while, Devon broaches the subject of talking strategy. And it’s agreed:

-Ben is Public Enemy #1.
-Mike is Public Enemy #2, because no one knows which side he’s on, and he’s pissed no one off.
-Chrissy brings up the idea of making a Final 3 pact and both guys are down with it, each for their own reasons. It’s mentioned that Devon and Ryan aligned with each other on Day 1, but circumstances led them apart, but now could be the right time to solidify a Final 3.

And when Chrissy steps into the infinity pool and beckons the boys to come skinny dipping with her – she’s drunk, of course – she confesses Ashley is pissed at her. And it may make more sense to take out Ashley first, who has a better relationship with Devon, and Ben is aligned with no one. We’ll have to wait and see if that theory comes back to bite Chrissy in the cooter…

We’ve reached Day 36 and, Hey, what happened to the sleepover?! Who got knocked up? Who ended up in the Fantasy Suite? Not fair, Survivor. We’re entitled to a little dirt after such a boring season…!