December 23rd, 2017 | 7 Comments | Posted in Survivor 35 - H vs. H vs H

“And now, the end is near,
And so I face the final curtain…”

As my buddy, Paulie, would say, “that’s the damn, skippy, ladies and gentlemen.” We’ve reached the final curtain for the Fish. Or should we say, “the final frying pan?”

Tonight’s the night we say goodbye to a lot more than just Survivor. It’s my final column, and the last chance for anyone to get their final blows in. Come on, boys and girls, dish it out. I can take it! Just don’t call me fat…! That’s so mean…

Hopefully, there’ll be nothing to criticize, because I fully expect to have a wonderfully written, succinct, eloquent, and amusing recap for you. Off to the freezer I go! I picked up a bottle of Belvedere to celebrate my final night of Survivor writing, and I’m gonna down this sucker through a friggin’ turkey baster tube! Bring it on, cirrhosis, you bi*ch!

“Excuse me while I whip this out…!”

(Whips out turkey baster, pulls off bulb, shoves tube in bottle. Chugs…)

Spits out Belvedere all over keyboard…

F**k! Not how I wanted the night to start!

Okay, let’s get this under way. We obviously have a HUGE night of Survivor, with the winner being announced, the reunion show, writing, and my final goodbye essay, there’s an incredible amount to get to. I trust you’re all in it ‘til the end, so I’m gonna pull the cork on this bottle of coconut wine and get things started. Let’s see what early Christmas gifts Jeff has in store for us tonight…

And darn it, they didn’t pick me again for seat filler tickets! That’s 3 seasons in a row! Who do I gotta blow to get invited back to the Finale!? Seriously, I’ll blow a dude like Robert Downey Jr. in “Less Than Zero,” just say the word, Jeff…

Cut to: Jeff on the CBS Television City lot where I should have been tonight. Alas, it wasn’t in the cards, but we can see how fervent the Survivor fanbase, and alumni, still are. The fact Andrea can doll up and conduct interviews on the red carpet and then hustle over to the challenge area to relive some of the fun she had on the island shows how some of us never grow up…

Jeff pulls us into the soundstage and speaks directly to all those kids who grew up watching Survivor, and tells them they can also play someday. It’s a great way to continue the Survivor pedigree, and we eat it up. We’re all still kids inside who want to play the game that’s captivated us since 2000.

Jeff briefly introduces us to three groups: the First Outs, the Jury, and the Contenders, and lets us know it’s still anyone’s game, based on who you sit next to at the end (is that a foreboding statement?). He promises us an epic final episode, and one in which it’ll be a battle ‘til the end. Let’s hope he’s not lying because we all need some redemption after the first 12 episodes this season. So, let’s see if the Heroes vs. Healers vs. Hustlers gypsies can redeem themselves tonight. Cut to…Fiji!

Jeff rehashes the game, but the one thing that’s clear is secrets were a factor this season.

-When Ryan found the Secret Advantage on Day 1, his offer of it to Chrissy, revealing it to Devon, and then Ben, and how this all had long term effects on their games.
-When other secrets were played, having profound effects on players’ games, as a series of blindsides took out people we thought would stick around.
-Culminating in Ben’s epic “Wentworth” at Tribal negating all votes against him and sending Lauren home.
-And then his even more epic Hidden Idol secret, sending Ashley home and turning the Vegan alliance on itself.

Jeff then recaps the final players and their resumes:

Ben: Strategic. Bold. Public Enemy #1. No allies…

The Boner Whisperer: Excluded. “Can Mike RISE to the occasion?” (Seriously, Jeff, a dick joke from you, the ordained minister?). Mike thinks he’s gonna win. Um, I’m not sure he knows how to play…

Devon: A true Hustler. Orchestrated blindsides. Uses the word “ain’t.”

Ryan: Superfan. Resourceful. Aligned with Chrissy.

Chrissy: Recovered from an audit. Seized control. Found a way to stay and play. Smart…

Night 36 and the tribe returns to camp after voting out Ashley. A few things are immediately clear:

-Mike is happy to still be around
-Ben is off to find another idol (or poop)
-Chrissy is happy Ashley’s gone and Ben is Idol-less

As the remaining Vegans discuss taking out Ben next, for sure, they also know crazy s**t happens on Survivor. They make the quickest Final Four pact in history, and I wonder if Devon is looking at the other three in this group and thinking, “I could beat all these fools.”?

Chrissy wonders aloud (about Ben),

“I wonder where he is?”

Ben is by the well, confessing how this is more than a game to him. He’s pulling out all the stops, trying to find another idol. He’s digging around the well, pouring water on the well cover, recalling any info he can from previous seasons to try and find another idol. No, this isn’t a game to him, it’s a Mission. And if the Vegans are sleeping back at camp, he’s going to continue searching for an idol.

He seems to have searched all night, because Day 37 breaks and he’s just now stumbling back to camp. He’s about to give up and get some sleep when he looks at the raft sitting next to him. He spies a “DIG” marking that wasn’t there before, and he realizes he’s found a clue to the idol. (Well, that’s odd how he magically ended up right next to a clue!). After 3 seconds of digging, Ben finds another Hidden Idol, and I’m beginning to wonder how high Ben is rising on my Rankings of Every Survivor Player. I can’t wait to calculate how many points he’s earned this season, considering all the idols he’s found.

Obviously, he’s ecstatic, and totally fatigued, so he’s gonna act crazy af right now.

“You think I’m going home?” he asks. “Watch this!”

Roll those f**king credits, Jeff. We’re invested for the next 2 hours and 48 minutes!

The rest of the tribe rises on Day 37 and Devon rekindles the fire. Chrissy awakens and confesses she’s had a complex relationship with Ben (you think?) and says she’s going to make up with him. They share a 10-second conversation where they claim to be cool with each other, but they both know they’re lying to each other.

Ben knows what Chrissy’s game is, and Chrissy knows she’s only saying this to Ben for gameplay. She then asks that if he wins Immunity, will he consider taking “the 3 strongest players” to Tribal, and I presume she means her and Devon. But Ben ain’t no fool, and he know she’s playing him. Ben confesses that regardless if he wins Immunity, or if he doesn’t, he’s playing his idol, meaning…

“She gone.”

Later, we fly in to our first challenge and it’s at 17°36’59.5″S 177°12’42.5″E on Google Maps. Rather than describe what I see, let’s just get to it. Jeff takes the necklace back from Chrissy and damn, that woman still has amazing teeth! Does she have an endorsement deal with her endodontist?

Ben’s disgust at Chrissy is apparent as he can’t even support her positive vibe. Jeff tells them what they need to do to stay alive:

-dive into the ocean
-climb onto a platform
-climb up a set of blocks
-jump to retrieve a set of keys
-cross a balance beam to retrieve another set of keys
-use the keys to unlock a puzzle where you’ll need to maneuver balls into a series of colored slots.

In addition to Immunity, players are playing for Reward, which is a huge feast, which may be individual, or more, based on Jeff’s mood. Let’s get to it. I’ll summarize:

-Devon is leading
-Chrissy is last
-Ryan falls off the beam (stage 2)
-Chrissy’s boob is out (stage 2)
-Devon gets his key but falls off the beam (stage 2)
-Mike is first across (stage 2)
-Mike and Devon are solving the puzzle (stage 3)
-Ryan falls again
-Chrissy’s boob comes out again…
-Ben is now solving (stage 3)
-Ryan is the last across the beam…

Everyone seems to be in it, but Chrissy, Ben and Mike have the firmest grasp on it. And that doesn’t sound weird, talking about a urologist. After a frantic minute of shifting balls around – another thing that should come easy to a urologist – Chrissy shifts a few more and raises her hands. Jeff comes over, and sure enough, she’s a great ball shifter. Chrissy has won her 3rd Immunity Challenge, and I think she’s moving up my Rankings chart too.

Jeff tells her to choose one player to share her Reward with, and she chooses Mike, without hesitation. Not sure why she picked him, but who cares? Jeff then tells her there’s enough food for one more, so she picks Devon. Which strikes me as odd, because she could have picked Ryan – her earliest ally – who wouldn’t be as big of a threat at the next Immunity Challenge. But no, it’s Devon, who could benefit hugely from a food Reward. Let’s see if this decision bites her in the ass…

As we head to break, Ben confesses he knows he’s gonna play his idol, but needs to decide who his target is. Let’s see what happens back at camp, because it’s clear something is going to drop that determines who goes home next.


  1. Good luck on your future endeavors. I was kinda right. This season had some good players . Sadly it just had some awful ones too. The fact Ryan or Mike believe they deserved to win is dumbfounding. Devon, Chrissy and of course Ben played very well though. My 3 cents. No one has an issue with you having a political opinion. The issue is when you speak down to others who dis agree, having an opinion is great . Attacking those who have a different opinion not so great.

  2. Horrible writing by a middle-aged,  misogynistic,bitter, Fat,
    turd. His quiet racism did not go unnoticed.  Bravo for finally realizing this crap bf the fish churned out was NOT writing, more like ranting and complaining. Good Riddance. Take this man to the nearest AA meeting

  3. Must be a sad life you live. Simonsays how about those internet tough guys. Sorry Simon that your life is so pathetic that puffing up online is how you make yourself believe you are a man. Never have to leave moms basement and your favorite blow up doll. Just mouth of online like your opinion matters.

  4. Ricky-baby! Thanks for all your comments over the years. You were far and away, my best commenter. And I get what you’re saying about the My Two Cents essays. To be perfectly honest, I wasn’t trying to preach, I just hate what I see when I look around. And booze makes me type without remorse. Apologies if I offended you. And thanks for being good posse, too. You always had my back.

    Simonspaz! I think someone needs a hug. Thanks for being so concerned, but I think I have a clearer path to happiness than you do. Maybe you didn’t get I wrote a parody column, but I’ll wait for you to look that up…

    My “quiet racism” is non-existent, because it’s called sarcasm. I believe everyone’s at the same table, which means everyone’s fair game for ridicule. If it’s black, Asian, Jewish, Latin or white, we’re all equal, meaning we’re all candidates for jokes. Some people don’t get it. Like you, obviously. And I’ll only go to AA if you’re my sponsor. If I’m gonna fix myself I can only do it with your help. You obviously know what’s best… Happy New Year, kid…

  5. Fish, great final recap! I am going to miss you and your recaps. I do hope you find a way to stay connected to the show (I like your idea of less involved Survivor articles).

    This season totally set Ben up to win. I’m okay with that. At least he had a good story AND decent game play. Chrissy even managed to sway me a little bit in final tribal. I’m upset at the reunion show. What’s the point of paying everyone to come sit on the stage if we don’t talk to anyone? That was disappointing. Also disappointing was the set up for next season. I about crapped my pants when Probst said the line about past mistakes. I was so hoping that former players would be back. How the hell are these new players going to reverse those mistakes. Sounds stupid to me.

    Good luck with everything in the future. Thanks for being you. I truly have enjoyed reading your recaps since the beginning. Take care!

  6. I m pretty hard to offend. Everyone has their own opinions. If they differ from mine so be it. Doesn’t hurt my feelings. Crossing my fingers for a good new season. I think I am following you on twitter though I never use it. Maybe I will for Ghost Island.

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