SURVIVOR: HEROES VS HEALERS VS HUSTLERS – 9/27/17

“Do you have the time, to listen to me whine,
About nothing and everything all at once.

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, it’s “Basket Case” to kick off another season of Survivor, with yours truly, the Fish, playing the role of McMurphy. Yes, I’m still alive, I’m still kicking, and I’m still addicted to the same gosh darn show all of you are…

And vodka.

And how was your off season? Get that yardwork done? Painted the garage? Got that vasectomy? Nice… Hope all your dreams have come true, and hope you had a better summer than I did. Long story, another time…

I am one of those,
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone
No doubt about it…”

I won’t go into details, but let’s just say the night I hung out with Reality Steve at the Mandalay Bay was the last good night I’ve enjoyed. Dude really knows how to host a shindig. The booze, the view, the company, all was top notch. So, there’s no better time than the present to throw it out to Reality Steve for giving me the opportunity to have these weekly sessions with all of you. It’s almost like therapy, right? We go through our ups and downs watching the show, get pissed off at mistakes the players make, and then come to the Fishbowl to see if we’re all on the same page. Don’t worry, we are. I feel you, bro…

Okay, I wanna get this off my chest right at the top. We know this Healers/Heroes/Hustlers theme is just a bunch of bulls**t, right? It’s just a marketing thing so the show has SOMETHING to put on the logo and the buffs. We know the “heroes” aren’t going to toe that line throughout the season, and the Healers aren’t going to stop in the middle of a challenge because one of the other players is projectile vomiting (more on that later).

This show is still about lying to your fellow players so you can win a million bucks, so let’s just drop this whole HvHvH shtick, shall we? Why, oh why, do they keep force feeding us these cockamamie themes? Why don’t they just go back to Survivor: Cook Islands and separate tribes by ethnicity? Now wouldn’t THAT be relevant right now?

But…the show will never have the stones to do that again, after all the sponsors they lost, but does that mean they should keep throwing us these softball themes? Game Changers? Worlds Apart? Blood vs. Water (okay, that one had promise) but in all honesty, the Powers That Be at Survivor really need to look at current events before devising their marketing strategy for the next season. And if they need some opinions, throw it out to the superfans. We know the show better than you do.

Speaking of current events, I have some opinions on this whole “Take A Knee” controversy that’s stymied the nation. Yes, I have opinions, and no, I’m not some 30-year-old Millennial who “thinks” I know what life is all about. I’m 50, and with all the s**t that’s been thrown at me the last few years, I can honestly say I have opinions.

However, I will not bore you with my angry rant now. I know there’s a lot to get to tonight. But if you are interested in my thoughts, they’ll be at the end of the column.

”Sometimes I give myself the creeps…
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me…
It all keeps adding up,
I think I’m cracking up,
Am I just paranoid?
Or am I just stoned?”

Maybe not stoned, but stoned drunk, once again. Thank god the good folks at Skyy vodka who decided to sponsor me again this year. All the vodka I can drink, but I had to promise to promote their product. So here goes…

Hey guys, it’s me, Fish, bringing you another great season of recaps on Survivor. And just like Jeff Probst does before he heads to Tribal Council, I’m drinking Skyy vodka. Because vodka is my best friend. She’s always there for me. And vodka doesn’t tell you you’re worthless…

Alright, let’s bring ‘er back to One and get things under way. Regardless of what I think about the theme, it always comes down to the players they’ve chosen. So, let’s look at this season’s crop of wanna-be reality stars. I’ve read the bios, I’ve watched the intro videos, and here are my initial thoughts. Let’s see what you guys think…

Alan Ball – since his NFL days are a thing of the past – I don’t recognize him and I’m a sports fan – the only way to gauge him is what he says in his intro video. And in that, he’s already coming up with reasons why he won’t be getting along with the other players. Perhaps he’ll surprise us with some surprising moves, but I predict he’ll get hungry, and cranky, and his tribe will view him as a physical threat and boot him first after the merge.

Patrick Bolton – this self-proclaimed “ginger” will need some serious sunblock if he plans to stick around. I think he may be the first person to quit the show from sunburn. He may figure out how to stay protected, but he really doesn’t strike me as the brightest light on the porch, so at some point, Ron Weasley will be outsmarted by the rest of his tribe. Prediction: out before the merge…

Ben Driebergen – there’s hillbillies (whom I dislike) and then there’s “good old boys,” who I think are great. Not sure Ben is going to win, but I’m pulling for him. I like his no-nonsense approach, and the fact he knows you don’t have to scream to prove your point. Let’s hope he finds the right alliance and wins the title for guys like Ken who got robbed. Prediction: Final Tribal

Ali Elliott – Based on what she said in her intro video, there’s nothing about this girl that tells me she can win. Being a personal assistant to a YouTube star is probably the least qualified to prepare you to do well on Survivor. And her age (24) is a recipe for disaster. At least she brings a little eye candy to the show as we’ll hopefully see her lose some of that baby fat from those power thighs. Don’t think she’s destined for great things this season. Out before the merge.

JP Hilsabeck – Now here’s a guy that I want to see do well. He seems like a good dude, a little dim, but a good soul. Don’t know if his approach to the game is one that’ll be strong enough to win, but I really hope he stays for a while. I like good people. JP is good people. And I’m sure the ladies will love to watch him compete. Gotta have eye candy on both sides of the fence. I think he’ll make the jury by aligning with others who’ll like his trustworthiness.

Chrissy Hofbeck – I like her the same way I like Jessica Lewis. Just a good woman who knows she’s good at what she does and doesn’t seem to bullsh*t her way through life. I do hope she’s able to play on the dirtier side of things too, because her honesty may get in the way of her game. An actuary could do well on Survivor, if she’s aware of the numerous risks involved, but rarely do players know about ALL the other risks at play. I hope she does well but there’s a chance she’ll be out before the merge. I hope she makes the jury.

Jessica Johnston – Her bubbly personality may be a little too much for some, but she’s relatively easy on the eyes, so I hope she sticks around (schwing!). I do think she has the potential to do some damage in the game, if she can keep her mouth shut and her eyes on the prize and not some dude’s board shorts. Jury bound…

Roark Luskin – love the name (how soon ‘til we’re calling her Tattoo?), like the vibe (sarcasm is life, life is sarcasm), and love that she lives in Santa Monica (my birthplace). For these reasons, I’m predicting good things for Miss Thang. However, that USC snob vibe just radiates from her (as it does with most Trojans) so that bitchiness may rub EVERYONE the wrong way in a shortly. Yet, the fact she’s great at compartmentalizing is something that should serve her well. Under the radar to the merge, could make Final Tribal…

Cole Medders – another hippy dippy trippy cat you just want to curl up into a ball, and throw out the window. While I can appreciate his spirit of adventure and wanderlust, if you will, at some point, you also need to be a realist to win Survivor. He may go deep because everyone likes him, but that’s why he cannot win. Let’s see what Jury question he asks…

Joe Mena – the bastard step-child of Tony Vlachos and Brandon Hantz is among us! Hide the coconuts! Ok, this guy is going to be a polarizing player for a variety of reasons. His look, his attitude, his accent, and his confidence. It’ll rub some players the wrong way, and it’ll attract others. Does he burn out first like Tony last season, or does he win it all like Tony did in Cagayan? There’s just no telling with brash players like this. My guess, he’ll make it deep, then run into trouble. Jury bound…

Simone Nguyen – As much as I’ve praised Asian women in my recaps, something about this girl just bugs me. Maybe it’s the fact she didn’t smile once in her intro video? Maybe it’s when she talks about killing? Maybe the fact her tummy looks more like mine than Brenda’s or So Kim’s is bugging the f**k outta me. Her vibe just screams bitch, and that doesn’t do well coming from a 25-year-old. Will probably be targeted very soon because she doesn’t realize how she comes across to others. Not a good trait to bring to the table… Will not last “long time”…

Ashley Nolan – evidently, she’s a lifeguard. That’s all I gathered from her intro video. And she quit her previous job to be a lifeguard. And lifeguarding is fun. And she seems bossy. And she’s a lifeguard… Sounds like jury material to me.

Devon Pinto – Let’s see if the latest reincarnation of Malcolm and Joe can play along with the big kids. He seems to think he can, but I just wonder if his “play dumb” strategy is the best way to win. Worked for Fabio, but each season is its own Petri dish, and using another winner’s strategy is a strategy that won’t work. Who knows? Maybe he’ll align with the right players and go deep, or his surfer vibe could rub people the wrong way. I wish you luck, dude… Prediction: Jury

Katrina Radke – you know, there’s always that one kooky player who can’t seem to relate to anyone else. Who doesn’t realize that “fitting in” is just as valuable as working hard, playing hard, and backstabbing. Katrina is that player this year. She may think she’s like Denise Stapley, but I’m thinking she’s more like Wanda Shirk meets Debbie Wanner. And if you caught Jeff’s Cast Assessment video, you can see she makes a “blunt” reference using the “doobie fingers.” And with that tie-dye shirt, you know she has more in common with Cheech & Chong than she does with Mark Spitz. Just a whole lotta crazy going on there. First out of the Heroes tribe.

Lauren Rimmer – Great, another transgender Survivor player. Wait, what? She’s not trans…? Oops, my bad… Lauren’s a little too…Dick Butkus…than I prefer in my Survivor lasses, but not everyone’s a supermodel. I don’t see how someone like her can win when she’s already mentioning how other people will need to be able to work with her, rather than how she’ll need to adapt to other people. I can’t see her making it farther than 3 or 4 votes, unless she finds the right alliance. Frankly, I think she’ll be the first out of the Hustlers, just because she’s got a funky accent.

Ryan Ulrich – David Wright, Cockring, Todd Herzog. Fishes out of water. Yeah, we get it. And with the whole “I want to bring my dad to the Loved Ones Challenge” storyline, I guess we know who’s going deep this season. Seriously, I hate guys like these doing well, but I know they are underestimated enough to not be voted out early. Then, they align with the right folks, and are carried as goats to the end. Will he win? Probably not. Will he make it to Final Tribal? Quite possibly…

Desi Williams – after two seasons of Michaelagate, I really wanna like Desi. She seems smart enough, athletic enough, gorgeous enough, and doggonit, people are gonna like her. But if she tries to play the flirty card as much as she says she’s going to, she could put a big target on her back real soon. You don’t win the game by being a flirt. You win by outsmarting everyone else. And playing the flirt card seems kind of dumb. I think she’ll be gone before the merge…

Mike Zahalsky – For some reason, this guy worries me. First of all, him being a germaphobe may not be the best person on a show like Survivor. I just can’t see him eating out of a pot that others are cooking with, after reaching in with their dirty hands. And don’t get me started on how he’ll deal with the bathroom realities of being on Survivor. Relieving himself in the ocean is probably the last thing he wants to experience. And yeah, the guy’s a urologist, so we’re going to get a bunch of dick jokes (from me) this season. And there’s his voice – another instant target. Out before the merge…

Okie dokie, I think that covers everything we need to discuss before we crack open our first coconut, and what do my eyes behold? Tonight’s episode is only 1-hour long! RUFKM? I am now a kid in a candy store because this means I won’t be up ‘til 2am trying to find a word that rhymes with boobjob. Thank you, CBS, for scheduling Seal Team and Criminal Minds tonight, and thank you, players, for not having very good soundbites.

All right, let’s do this, Jeff. Bring us back to Fiji. Bring us back to all those beaches we’ve become familiar with over the last few seasons. And bring us a great f**king season. You owe it to us superfans, Jeff. Please don’t disappoint.

“Survivor…is back!”