A Water Challenge is up and I think someone’s drowning today! Right? Isn’t that the huge event that inspires the rest of the players? And if I’m a gambling man, I’m putting money down on Cirie to nearly drown. Just a guess, but based on the Twitter DM I received from Scott Ottersen tonight – FYI, he’s the dude who used to write the recap before I took over – something’s going down with Cirie. And will someone please explain to Scott that being two hours ahead means his Tweet is technically a spoiler! Oh, never mind, I’ll just remember to turn off all electronic devices on Wednesday morning from now on!
I’m kidding, Scotty, keep on keepin’ on with your bad self…!
Production’s new camera drone reveals a Secret Advantage is stashed somewhere on a floating platform, so let’s see if someone’s brave or lucky enough to find it. Jeff describes the challenge:
Teams of 5 will dive individually into the water and complete a floating obstacle course, once all 5 players are through, a grappling hook will need to be released from underwater and then used to lasso some rings. Teams are playing for an excursion to a nearly island chain, where I’m sure food and beverages await.
Jeff alerts them that it’s a schoolyard pick for teams, and immediately Debbie’s face goes “resting bi*chface” on us, realizing she won’t get to compete, unless someone views Troyzan as a worse competitor. Let’s see what happens:
Blue Team
Culpepper (Capt.)
Debbie (what?)
Sierra (The Mrs.)
Andrea Von Trapp
Aubry (Dr. Dorkenstein)
Orange Team
Cirie (Capt.)
Zekcostomus
Sarah (looking like Mercy from The Warriors)
Troyzan (“This is my pontoon!”)
Tai (the Merciless)
Which means that lovely Michaela was deemed unworthy and I can’t wait to see how she’s taking the news that Debbie, Zeke, Tai and Troyzan were all considered better competitors than her. Does she not know how to swim? Let’s see what unfolds…
Jeff asks Michaela how it feels to be unworthy, and this Game Changer, she really brings it,
“They some bi*ches,” she mumbles…
Way to go, CBS Casting. You made such a great selection with this one… Let’s hope she’s the one who drowns when she rolls off the sit out bench…
She flops down on the seat revealing the Secret Advantage is tied to the bench below her, very close to her pink loins. Or, maybe that’s her bathing suit and I’m stuck on loins again…
“Go!” Jeff calls.
Brad and Tai head out first and Brad destroys him. Tai is crossing a beam as good as Chris Daugherty once did…
Sierra goes next for Blue and almost overtakes Tai…
Troyzan is next for Orange and is determined to get naked this season
Aubry heads out for Blue
Sarah dives in and passes Aubry
The Plecostomus should be good in the water, right?
Debbie Does a Dogpaddle
And Jeff, don’t say, “Debbie, right on his tail,” ever again, please…
Debbie crosses the beam first when Zeke falls in (does having your boobs removed throw off your center of gravity? Just wondering…)
Maria dives in…in slow motion (I wish)
Zeke begins Michaela’s Positive Reinforcements mantra from last episode.
Andrea passes Zeke, allowing the Blue Team to retrieve their hook.
Cirie is still sittin’ on the dock, watching the game roll away… and wondering if it’s too late to switch places with Michaela.
Cirie gets over the slide and reaches the first platform, it’s evident she’s not strong enough to pull herself out of the water. Damn you, Ottersen, you predicted this!
Probst makes a (unaired) game time decision and rules that Cirie can be helped – I’m sure OSHA had something to do with this – and Sarah swims back to help her captain, meaning she’ll have to run those two stages again. Whatevs… She’s a cop, she’ll crush them. Better this than a drowning “competitor,” right? Sorry, I mean, “character.”
Meanwhile, Blue is down to one ring left as Mr. and Mrs. Culpepper have been retrieving rings like they’re made of cowhide… Sure enough, Brad lassos the last one, and Blue is going on a field trip! Did your parents sign the waiver?
But, instead of getting to celebrate the moment, let’s embrace the fact that one of your contestants is too frickin’ lame to complete a physical obstacle. You know, THAT’S WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR, and that’s who Casting chose to give us. Surely there aren’t, I don’t know, 300 other former players who could’ve “brought it” more than Cirie can physically. And if the show thinks I’m harsh for stating this, then kiss my lily-white booty. It’s a f**king competition show, not the Special Olympics. Everyone doesn’t get a ribbon for participating, but they do get thousands and thousands of dollars.
But, yeah, it’s also a social game so everyone needs to go support the Former Couch Potato who probably can’t climb out of a pool from the deep end. JFC, can we just move on? And seriously, THIS is the “most inspirational scene” the show teased? Someone’s total lack of accomplishment is what’s now being celebrated? Should be just bring back all the First Players to be Voted Out and sell the theme: Survivor: Potential City? Am I wrong…?
But now look at this! Is anyone else noticing how unimpressed Michaela is right now with Cirie’s plight and everyone’s support of her? How much is she faking this clap, right now? Does anyone else want to punch her in the loins as much as I do…? Such hatred for that one.
When the Blue team is finally allowed to celebrate their victory, Jeff has to once again bring it back to Cirie and what an amazing thing she just did. OMFG, can we move on from this? Is this really one of the MOST POWERFUL scenes we’ve ever seen on Survivor? I think Varner outing Zeke, or the Zeke/Bret conversation last season, or Susan’s “rats & snakes” speech…or anything Jimmy Tarantino said was just as powerful as this moment. Seriously, Jeff, you need some better writers, or a better marketing department. This is pathetic. Just change the theme of the season to Survivor: Short Bus and let’s move on…
Blue Team heads out and Orange team is so pathetic they require a boat to come and pick them up. And in the hubbub of the boat arriving, Mercy looks over at Michaela and sees the “Secret Advantage” clue below her and manages to swim to the sit out platform, untie the clue, hide it and board the boat without anyone noticing. Good for Sarah, because we like her… Let’s see if this’ll help her get to Final Tribal…
When the losers return to camp, it’s all “Hooray for the losers” as Cirie’s failure is suddenly Cirie’s victory. And, yeah, I get the notion she conquered her fears, or whatever, but here’s the way I see it. All the players are giving her props for accomplishing it. Where I’m from (Los Angeles), we’d be a little more – I don’t know, real – about the situation. We’d be like, “Dude, you totally f**ked up that challenge, but whatevs, people are gonna be proud of you. Now, stay the hell outta my way, I’m tryna win a million bucks.” These players are so frickin’ milquetoast it’s starting to bug me…
Okay, maybe not everyone from LA would be this heartless, but that’s the way I roll. It’s a poker game, folks, and it’s always time to eliminate the weak…
And I just realized we’re spending way too much time on this Potato. Can we get back to Survivor!?
And thankfully, Sarah is heading away from camp to read her Secret Advantage. After pulling it out from her gamey underpants, she reads she’ll be allowed to steal a vote from someone at Tribal Council, up until there are 5 people left. She’s savvy enough to know these extra votes haven’t always been used properly (Dan Foley, Fishbach, Tai, and Debbie) and vows to use hers with full effect. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.
Now how about a little Survivor fun! That’s one of the reasons we tune in, right? The winning Blue Team is aboard a seaplane and getting a tour of the volcanic Yasawa Islands. Debbie reminds us how comfortable she is in planes because she’s a Captain in the Civil Air Patrol. When she tells us how fun it is to see everyone’s faces because they’re in a plane, I’m wondering why she thinks she’s so special. Surely, Brad (NFL), Sierra (world champion rodeo star), Andrea (professional talk show host), and Aubry (Aubry) have taken a lot of flights in their lives. Are they really showing how great this is because they’re in a plane, or because Production has told them to look like they’re having a wonderful time? But let’s not harp on Debbie too much, she thinks the others are seeing the world in “a whole new light” because they’re in a plane, but I’m just wondering… I thought dogs were colorblind…
Brad tells us he purposely didn’t choose Troyzan and Sarah on his team because he wanted a few of his alliance members back at camp to pay attention to what’s said. That sounds well and good, but why didn’t he tell us this when he picked his team? Methinks he just thought of this explanation when his belly was full.
While feasting, Sierra wants to find out why Zeke and Andrea are suddenly at odds, and Maria says she has no idea. And all the chaos between them is making Sierra feel very comfortable, because she knows her Maku Major alliance is rock solid.
Back at camp, Sarah and Cirie are sharing some “Stop! Hammock Time” and they’re discussing who’s running show at Maku Major. “Sierra and Brad,” it’s agreed, and Cirie wants Sarah to realize that if she goes to the end with Sierra and Brad, she’ll never win because they’ll make it seem they dragged Sarah along. Cirie is trying to set up Sarah into believing it’s time to make a big move against one of the Culpeppers (apologies, Monica!) and Sarah is willing to consider something big because she doesn’t want to make the same mistakes she made back in Cagayan where she let others (Tony) make decisions for her.
They do some quick calculations and realize they could pull together 6 players to vote against Maku Major…IF Sarah is telling the truth, and IF everyone does what they’re supposed to do. And when has THAT ever happened on Survivor? Sarah takes us to break with the notion that she might be willing to do something big, but the time may not be right…
Fish I may have to stop reading these if you keep hating on Michaela so hard! What exactly your problem with her? Her immaturity? Do you think she’s clueless? What is it?!
I totally agree with you about the Cirie stuff this week.. What is inspirational about someone not being able to pull themselves on a platform and everyone stopping to watch her struggle?? How about working out once or twice before you go on a show like this??
I don’t agree with you on alliances vs voting blocs. Voting blocs keep the game more exciting and I think makes more sense in the grand scheme of the game. Keep up the entertaining writing every week!
I look forward to the recap much more than the show. First thing I thought while semi-watching was how much f-ing time are they wasting on this Cirie BS. And who the f puts Cirie in the anchor leg! ( not that it mattered) Did Zeke have a baby? Sure looked like he had some baby damage.
With the trend of taking weak players to the end, just how annoying was Debbie that they booted her? I’ve sort of lost track of the the extra advantages, is it now one per episode? I’m not a big fan of all the extra advantages. Make someone earn it, not a bonus for being exiled, not picked.
Good luck on your speech. I’d be curious to read it if you’d ever like to post it. I’m glad that part of your life is sorting itself out.
I’m here because I enjoy your perspective, but for me the “characters” they have left are slightly more enjoyable then Blood v Water 2. I agree that is seems they are casting more for “characters” then for players.
MVD! Please don’t go! I’ll be totally straight with you, what I hate about Michaela is that she acts like such a petulant child anytime something doesn’t go her way. It’s like she can’t separate what happens in the game from real life. THAT’S what I hate about her. And it appears that the show is also setting her up as a crazy bitch when they show her antics at FT. They don’t need to show her pouring a drink or whatever she’s been doing. They could cut away to other footage, but they choose to show it, meaning they’re choosing to cast her in a bad light. I don’t care why she acts the way she does, I just think she’s terrible at a game like Survivor. Suck it up, play along with some things, start masterminding your own defense. She’s never been able to work anything out, gameplay-wise. The best compliment I can give her is that she’s…f**kable. And yes, I took a look at how much time the show spent on the Cirie drowning and it was remarkable how long it was. Seriously? You mean there was no other dialogue, plotting, idols searches, or anything else to make up for all that Cirie crap? I’m not a fan of the voting blocs, but I love that you are! Fans have to be all over the board for us to have these discussions, right? At the end of the day, it’s a bunch of people playing a game months ago, so the fact we’re saying “They should have done this or that,” makes no sense. But it keeps us connected. Hope you stick around for the rest of the season! XO
doc! Thank you. That means a lot to me. I was dumbfounded at how much time they spent on Cirie. Something must be happening later in the season with her that they needed to set up with this whole debacle. I truly hope she’s not at FT explaining why she deserves to win. I wrote about Debbie’s Ponderosa video. She managed to be creepy, and nerdy, and pervy, and so many other negative things. I think she’s used to being made fun of, so she just runs with the “crazy chick” approach to life.
Lynne! Welcome! I’m trying to get it posted, without too much personal information revealed. I’ll try though… But thank you for your kind words. I think we lost a lot of characters earlier this season, so I’m kinda stuck on hating right now. I’m seeing too many weak players still have a chance to make it to FT and that bugs me. I pray we have a strong FT with no goats. Hope you’re there to send in a comment. XO
Hey Fish, sorry I was MIA last week. Just got busy. Ok, a few quick things before I forget them. 12 year old bartender Jack remarked this week that Brad Culpepper “looks like Squidward.” After he said it, I actually could see the resemblance. He also felt that Sarah had saggy boobs (I can’t believe I laughed at my 12 year old son saying this) and for some reason he hates Troy (we refuse to say Troy-zan, maybe that’s why we kind of hate him?). Totally agree about the “most powerful moment on Survivor.” Uh, I like Cirie but she made her tribe lose the challenge (probably) and was too tired and flabby to haul herself out of the pool. I don’t see how she conquered anything? The Powerful Moments are getting really stupid. Remember last year how there was all that crap when geeky David won some challenge. Shut up! And Zeke, I didn’t get to comment last week. So if Zeke is a girl, who wants to be a guy who likes guys, why not just stay a girl? (sounds like a logic problem from a college class) Jack said, “so that would be like me becoming a woman so I could date other women right?” Uh yeah! Doesn’t the whole thing just cancel itself out? I’m so confused. I will say that Zeake’s doctors are amazing. He has the total flabby dad bod. (yes, someone actually paid for a dad bod!) I would NEVER guess that was a female body. The chest hair etc is amazing. The only time I thought maybe Zeake was a girl was a shot that showed his total pear shape. He has better hips than I do. Ok, enough about that. I don’t get why they voted Debbie out. If you are going to screw up that alliance, shouldn’t you vote Brad or Sierra out. Debbie won’t win anything and voting her out is just a “lets get out the annoying person vote.” I bet Ozzy is the only one who got true satisfaction out of that. Michela is annoying. You are right. She has that permanent grumpy face that a 3 year old makes when they don’t get to have a cookie. She was so busy trying to get down the perfect casual pout pose on that platform that she never saw the stupid clue. If she’d only sat there like a normal person and hung her head down in sadness, she’d have found it. She must be even more annoying than they show her to be on TV for any team to pick Cirie over her (she is fit and in shape). I think Cirie seems like a super sweet person so everyone likes her. It could be that as much as the powerful moment was cheesy and overblown (ha Fish, I said “overblown), Cirie must be super well liked. She’s probably one of the biggest threats of all. Everytime they get an eating/food reward, Jack and I laugh and say they better not overeat or they will get their plumbing all backed up and suffer from a massive turd blockage like the poor old guy did last season. I’d be sitting there eating a salad if I won, that would make me so paranoid. Who do I hate, I hate Sierra the most. She is super smug and annoying. Aubry is super boring this season. Everyone else is ok. President Elect Debbie is really odd. She and Phillip need to get together. Fish, I hope you have a great speech. Stick with your wife and kids and stay strong. You are a very talented writer and a funny guy. We are pulling for you. (no, not pulling IT for you dirty boy!)-Luv me.
What happened to the Cirie and Michaela show ? Cirie s team was never going to win but Aubrey , Zeke even Andrea over Michaela is dumb . Doesn’t make sense . Fish that’s todays society we make weak people seem brave . Cirie seems like a great mom , role model and women but there is no glory in being weak . Not being able to pull yourself from the water to a platform is weak . This makes me think even more that the whole Zeke thing was staged . Survivor you may want to look at ESPN for an example as to what happens when you force your political and social views on people who don’t care to hear them . Watching Debbie get blindsided is the one redeeming quality from the last few weeks of what has been an awful season !
I have agreed with you several times that I am sick of the whole “take a goat to the end” way this game is going.
WTH?? were both teams thinking that they skipped Michaela. She would obviously be a better competitor than 2/3 of the rest of the players. Don’t they WANT to win? This is not an episode of Friends. Yes, she has a bad attitude a lot. But when it comes to a physical challenge – TAKE HER. Cirie talked about sitting out as much as possible because physical challenges are not her thing. I like her, but ….. that is a part of the game. I know she was a captain, but maybe she should have asked to sit this one out.
I know Sierra or Brad would have been a good vote for the Minor alliance also, but I was thrilled the Debbie was taken out. Her actions, comments, and facial expressions are worse than Michaela’s – honestly. Take a step back and think of all of her bragging and melt-downs. She is worse than Michaela, and I am so glad she did not make it any farther in the game.
This now leaves us with some strong competitors. I would rather see them align and give us a show – Sierra, Brad, Michaela, Andrea has been holding her own, Sarah is pretty good. I would rather see an alliance like that. Still pissed about the Ozzy vote last week, but Debbie going home helped that. I cannot stand that woman.
Good luck with the speech!
Loving all the comments, dudes!
Kate- I forgive you. Everyone needs a break… I totally see Squidward now! How could I not catch that? For some reason, when I think of Sarah, I don’t think of her boobs at all. Not sure that’s good or bad, but it could be because of the accent. I just don’t like the way she sounds, so her looks don’t interest me. And Jack’s talking about boobs? Watch that one… I’ve never heard my 15 y.o. talk about women’s bodies, so you’d better keep an eye on your kid. 😉 Troyzan is like an old pervy photographer asking girls if they’re interested in taking “artistic nudes” at his studio. Funny how he ended up doing that. I wonder… Your philosophical question makes my head hurt. I said the same thing you said about Zeke to RS a couple weeks ago. It’s so weird. Like, who does he date? Other gay men, I guess. I don’t wanna think about his love life anymore. Moving on! Debbie is like every old chick that used to get voted out first: Sonja, Debb, Diane, Wendy Jo. How did she become a 2 time player? Michaela = Cookie Puss! That’s what I’ll call her!
I hate to break it to you, by Cirie was a captain. And I’m trying to figure out the order of picks. I presume it went down like this:
Brad picked Sierra
Cirie picked Sarah
Brad picked Debbie
Cirie picked Troyzan
Brad picked Andrea
Cirie picked Zeke
Brad picked Aubry
Cirie picked Tai
Who knows the real order, but how insulting is it that Michaela wasn’t picked? She is seriously better at challenges than everyone below Sarah, so you may be onto something with how much everyone hates her. Would love to find out the truth… Let me see if I can dig something up. Thanks for your kind words. We’ll see what the future holds (and whether they’ll be holding “it”) XO
Rick! I hear ya, man. Like I was just saying, the order of the picks reveals a lot about everyone’s dislike of Michaela. She must be awful to be around. Times have changed a lot since we were kids. The whole “mutual admiration society” we live in doesn’t produce the greatness it once did. As Judge Smails once said, “the world needs ditch diggers too.” I agree with your political comment, but I remember when I used to get annoyed at Survivor for pushing religion down our throats. Just stop! Doesn’t help that Probst is an ordained minister and Burnett produces Christian films. Keep that shit to Sundays (or Saturdays) and leave Wednesdays alone… At least Debbie took it well, that’s all I gotta say about that…
RSanon! I think I commented above on everything you wrote about. I guess we’re in sync. I’m just wondering if there’s some reason why Michaela didn’t want to participate. Period? And the show told her, “fine, sit out, and then play it up that you’re all Cookie Puss about it.” I mean, this show is all about players playing up their “character” so it wouldn’t surprise me if it went down like this. Whaddya think? And thanks for the glad tidings. The speech went well enough. 500 rich people on the Paramount Pictures lot watching a guy who writes about drinking all the time. If they only knew… But I thought it went well. I’m trying to find a way to post it, so everyone can see how poorly I read it… 😉 Fish may be revealed…!
Oh wow, I totally missed that Cierie was a captain. That further cements my thing that Michela is hated or you could be right and it was some sort of production meddling. Nice use of the Judge Smails quote. My husband and I say it often. One of my all time favorite movies.
Hi Fish!
Enjoy your recaps.
Since it seems others as curious as I am/was about Zeke, I thought I would share what I learned when I did a little research on him. Yes I have way too much time on my hands sometimes. 🙂
As we all have figured he was a girl and became a man. The most interesting fact to me about all of this is that he is engaged to Hannah from last season!
I am not sure if this helps us to make sense of his world or muddy it all the more.
Just had to share…
Nascargirl – I read they are best friends and “joke” engaged.
jwmmjwscw – Thanks for that. That’ll teach me to believe something on the internet! 🙂
hey Fish! I’ve been travelling for work but still reading! Even if I have to squint at an Iphone in an airport to do it! 🙂
I SO, SO, SO agree with you on Michaella. I cannot stand her childish pouts and postures. I will say, I got a bit of glee out of her SITTING ON THE ADVANTAGE and being too angry to even notice it and then the first person in the water to help/hoist Cerie out found it. Survivor Karma right there! Great luck on your speech, I am sure you will find the tides of goodwill will help overcome your nerves. People really relate and love someone who doesn’t allow their circumstance to define them or create a victim mentality. I’m proud of you! I’m new commenting but not reading! 😉 See you next week, I’m in my office Friday so I won’t be late to the comments this time around! xoxo Trish
Thank you for responding! Although I don’t agree with you on Michaela, your recaps are too entertaining for me to actually stop reading!
I find her tribal council antics hysterical, but maybe it’s because I’m a fellow millennial and can recognize the humor in it. Must have been hard to compartmentalize the game when it seems personal that everyone doesn’t like you just for being young and emotional…
I agree that she is bad at the social game but I feel Tai is weaker in that aspect and don’t understand why he doesn’t get the same flack for it as Michaela… at least Michaela is funny and recognizes she has weaknesses. Tai seems completely unaware of how truly incompetent he is at anything but finding hidden immunity idols. Hahah you are too kind to her!
I’m glad we can agree to disagree! It’s so interesting to hear the opinions of a past player and getting to engage with you about the show!
My best comment week ever! I’m glowing…
Kate – I knew I liked you, but I never pegged you for a Caddyshack fan. You just moved up two spots in my “Favorite People of All Time” list…
Nascargirl – thank you! I’m glad you like them. I hope they stay funny, or whatever you like about them. I remember seeing pictures of them after last season where they’re sitting in a tub together. I tend to believe it’s all a play for attention, which is kinda what I hate most about celebs and reality show “stars.” Thank God her time came and went…
RSanon – always dropping the hammer! 😉
Trish – Thank you for your words. It went well (enough). See below, and we’ll see you Friday!
MVD – I’m glad we can still see each other from different sides of the fence. That’s always important… I hear what you’re saying about Michaela. I think that’s one of the things we Gen-Xers hate about Millennials. You guys think your emotional outbursts are endearing, when we were taught they should be avoided. Potato-potahto… But I totally see your point on Tai. He’s awful, and so in the dark about his self worth in the game. TBH, I think people are more forgiving of his missteps because of his accent. Maybe people think there’s a translation/cultural issue with how he communicates, and no one wants to be the bad guy and call him out. Dude, call him out! It’s a frickin’ game, but everyone is too concerned with how they’re perceived. I would hope to be a little more provocative in my dealings with others. Hope to hear more from you, MVD!
Without further ado, I posted my speech on YouTube on my Fish YouTube channel. I don’t really use it but didn’t want it to only be seen by the 500 people at the event. And please forgive my poor public speaking, it was literally my first time… I made a couple edits, to protect a couple personal friends. Now everyone knows what I look like… Time to go on a diet…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGexhJn1E3U&t=5s