I think we all need to take a shower…preferably together. Because after last week, I just feel kinda dirty. And it’s not the good kind of dirty.
And let’s get one thing straight, I’m not judging Zeke or the Transgender community – evidently, from a lot of the comments I’ve read, that’s America’s job – but what I do feel dirty about is ALMOST EVERYTHING ELSE about last week’s episode:
-What Varner did
-That CBS showed it
-How I reacted to Varner
-How fans reacted to everything
-How Probst made this the new Survivor “normal”
And what do we have to look forward to tonight? A 2-hour episode! Yay…! Two more people going home (probably strong players…?).
Yes, it’s true, my little darlings, we’ve reached the “hump episode” – I thought that was last week between Zeke and Varner in the ocean? – and to use a golf term, we’ve completed the “Out,” and now we’re heading “In.” God, why does everything I type read like a dirty joke…?
Oh wait, that’s because it’s the theme of the night. Dirty. Not sure how it’ll manifest tonight, but let’s see where these boobs take it. And speaking of boobs, if you haven’t yet, go to Rachel Ako’s Twitter feed and bid on a few of her bras from last season. I’m sure it’s for a worthy cause, will help someone do something, even if you just want to buy a hot chick’s undergarments because you’re a filthy perv…
Now, where’d I put my credit card?
-At Mana, Hali and Michaela are not included on Brad’s Wild Ride…
-And there was that whole “Varner’s Wild Ride” incident. Did you see it?!
It’s Day 19… Wait a minute! We don’t get to see the aftermath of the tribe returning to camp after Tribal?! WTF? Since when has that NOT been shown? Probsy, you got some ‘splainin’ to do, because we fans always get to see what happens when the tribe returns to camp. That is…unless you’re scripting this season and you don’t want to show us something…
That said, I mentioned a few days ago in the comments below how the season really doesn’t have anything to offer us anymore since we know Zeke is going to win it all, right? I mean, after that brutal outing, will anyone have the balls (ironically…) to vote Zeke out? Or not vote for him at FT? It’s kind of sh**ty that that’s the way the season is going to play out, but I guess Survivor needed to make a big political statement and soak in all the publicity last week provided…
But we have a show to recap, so let’s stop rehashing all that hatred. Moving on!
In the morning (Day 19), with Zeke gazing at Varner’s last poop spot, Sarah wants Tai to know she’s totally fine that he showed Varner a modicum (had to use it, right?) of compassion about what happened, and hopes he isn’t upset with her for not giving a crap about Varner anymore. Tai is already about to break into tears again, so she rubs up against his hidden idol and consoles him. And since Sarah claims to be way conservative, she wants us to know she’s cool with the Plecostomus.
“Zeke is Zeke.”
In the next scene, Zeke thanks everyone for their support and lets us know how the experience made him stronger, ready to get back to the business of winning the game. “Screw these compassionate fools, I’m gonna slit their throats”…
And we fly over the beach where today’s CBS preview showed us how important food is to these hungry souls. Let’s watch it again!
As everyone files in, their gazes are fixed on a giant merge feast awaiting them. But as Cirie points out, there’s also another table next to JP, with something covered by a towel. “Something ain’t right…” she says through cringed teeth.
Sierra mentions how starving she is, and even Ozzy discusses the importance of “what’s inside the box.”
Jeff gives us the first “F You” of the night when he says “one person from each tribe must volunteer to not take part in the feast.” And immediately, everyone’s thinking, “Debbie, that’s you.” But I don’t think she’s thinking that…
But Jeff says that if one member from each tribe doesn’t volunteer, then the feast goes away and everyone gets a swig of iced tea and a cheese & cracker. Yes, that’s “a cheese” and “a cracker.” Sounds brutal, considering how hungry everyone is, but it could also mean a heap of sympathy if you volunteer. Zeke is not buying it, “I may need that fuel, because they could be gunning for me…”
No, no one’s gunning for you now, sweetie, but it was a nice thought…
Brad immediately steps up and volunteers for Mana. He knows he can catch fish, and “it’s what Monica would do.” And then we see Zeke confess he’s not buying this “Culpepper brand” generosity, it makes me start to hate Zeke. OMG, Fish, he’s like, the best player, you can’t hate him…
It’s funny how the show is giving him all the negative lines, now, huh?
And at Nuku, who’s got the balls to match Brad’s Schweddy balls?
Ozzy? That’s your cue. Ozzy? Um…Ozzy! Nope, it’s Tai who timidly raises his hand not wanting to interrupt the show. He seems…relatively…sure he wants to do this, but it’s too late now, everyone else took a step back…
And once Jeff calls out, “Merge!” the game is back on as Brad and Tai head off down the beach to question their decisions, and the rest of the tribe enjoys their time at Hometown Buffet. And as we head to break, it’s Cirie’s turn to be a bi*ch when she says that Brad and Tai’s decision make them “suspicious.” And, I mean, come on, is that not the sh**ties thing someone can say after they’ve just sacrificed FOOD for you on Day 19. F**k your “brownie points,” Cirie!
And as the new tribe feasts, I’m thinking how awesome this must be, until I hear Ozzy say,
“Who wants a piece of ham…with flies on it?”
Yeah, kind of gross…
Sated, players start talking shop about what this merge means, and how it’s going to play out from here. Sierra is simply happy she’s refueled, and reminds us her Legacy Advantage can only be used at 13 or 6…and there’s 13 players now. But she doesn’t want to use it this vote, because she’s got bigger plans…
Cirie, again, is given confessional time to tell us how cutthroat the game will get now. And something about the way she’s being portrayed right now is not sitting well with me. I’m going to keep that in mind for one of the Tribal Councils tonight.
But what about Tai and Brad on the F You log? The others suddenly remember that they wouldn’t be eating right now if it weren’t for them, and yell out muffled thanks through all the food in their mouths.
Brad claims his decision is already in his rearview as he plots his next move. He says Hali and Michaela were his targets on his tribe, and nothing’s changed that plan. Tai asks for an assessment of the former Mana tribe, and Brad tells him he’s working with Sierra and Troyzan and gunning for Hali and Michaela. This sits well with Tai – because he says he has a lot in common with Brad – did I just type that? – and is just happy to take part in any plan that doesn’t compromise his crotch-adjacent idols…
And speaking of crotch-adjacent, Debbie has maneuvered her crotch adjacent to Cirie, and is giving the Former Coach Potato a standing lap dance. “What’s gotten into this girl?” everyone’s thinking because she’s showing signs of drinking too much. And believe me, Fish knows a drunken stupor when he sees one.
Yet, Debbie claims to not have touched a drop, but after her experience on Exile Island, I don’t see how (or why) she would have abstained. She tells us she’s playing it up to gauge her new tribe, but when she runs over to moon Tai, I’m sure he’s even more convinced that he’s gay.
Sorry, after seeing Debbie’s pixilated derriere, I think I need to throw up a little…‘cause all I can think about is the Boston Terrier, and the last time her temperature was taken at the vet…
Later that same day, the tribe meanders back to camp and begins the “first day in the rest of their season.” Everything is “game on” now, and the first order of business is for Debbie to apologize to Brad for her psychotic episode two episodes ago. Per Cochran’s advice, she “extends an olive branch” and kisses up to Brad. They’re good…for now.
But now’s the time for the merged tribe to rehash the last few Tribals that not everyone was privy to. Zeke starts it out with the Varner calamity…
And it goes as expected as everyone appears to be comfortable, and supportive, of Zeke’s journey. We’ll see if any confessionals later contradict that… But Aubry is wholly supportive of him, and thinks he’s a lot braver than most of the other yahoos left in the game.
Brad, Ozzy, and Troyzan head off for a quick “bro-fab,” where they confirm they’re all good, and agree that Hali and Michaela are their targets. More so Michaela, because she’s been a bit of a challenge beast, and her nostrils are too perfectly circular to be 100% natural…
Numerous conversations ensue where others are informed of the Michaela vote (including Zeke, Tai and Sarah, Hali, Sierra, Cirie, and Aubry) and I’m just wondering when the s**t’s going to hit the fan once Michaela finds out she’s on the block. (She typically doesn’t take bad news well.)
Later, when Sierra and Zeke are having yet another conversation about Michaela, she once again pops up out of one of Tony Vlachos’s Spy Pits to ask, “Are you guys talking about me?” And, of course, they lie and say “no,” but considering the assessment Sierra is making of Michaela,
“She’s shifty, a loose cannon, good at challenges, and has no tact.”
We know that assessment is going to be explored…like, right now.
“Zeke, what did you tell them about me?”
Uh-oh, it’s on. The guy who just went through the worse Tribal ever is being put on the spot. But dude from Harvard is no match for the chick from Ft. Worth who claims she’s going to be “more aware of how she’s perceived,” (trust me, I checked her CBS Cast page) and completely disregards everything she planned for this season. Zeke replies,
“I told them you were really good in challenges, and we always knew what you were thinking because we could read it on your face.” And right now, her face is reading like, “I don’t know what the hell this fool just said…”
Later, Andrea, Cirie and Zeke are having a chat where they confirm they’re all solid and with Sarah, and Michaela’s the next to go. “But who’s next?” (after that) they ponder. With the Brad/Sierra side working just as hard as them, the von Trapp family discusses they may need to keep Michaela around to use as a number, because neither side wants to be the first to lose someone.
Day 21 and Andrea is looking like the poster girl for the “Survivor diet” as she’s doing yoga on a rock. 21 days of starvation does a body good, girl! Meow! Even Troyzan recognizes it as he’s fantasizing about all the beautiful women he’s photographed naked. And with his clothes on…
Hali confesses too many conversations are happening without her, so she knows she’d better do something fast to stir things up. And the easiest way to do that on Season 34 is to tell Michaela her name is being tossed around. Sure enough, as soon as Hali does that, Michaela goes “all Michaela” on us and questions what she’s done to deserve this.
She pulls Cirie aside and has the heart-to-heart many of us wanted Michaela to have since last season, and that’s to realize where she is, who she is, and why she’s judged the way she is, and to take steps to fix all that. And thankfully, not once did Cirie bring race into the conversation, which, I’m sure, every white person watching Survivor was expecting. Good for her, Cirie gets it…
Off to the first Immunity we go and this just reminds me what Survivor is all about. Individual Immunity! Battle to the end. Warriors fighting for survival! And just when you think someone is going home for sure, they steal Individual Immunity and throw the game into chaos. Jeff reveals the new necklace – some kind of New Age dreamcatcher thing – and describes the challenge: players will stand on a beam on their toes, pinning a block of wood above their head. When the block falls, you’re out. Obviously, this challenge favors stronger players: Brad, Ozzy, Sierra, Sarah, and does anyone think Michaela doesn’t have a shot right now?
Within 3 seconds, Hali drops out, followed by Troyzan, then Zeke. I’d be sad about Hali dropping out so fast, but as I watch her pull her chones out of her butt crack – in slow-motion, over and over again, something tells me I’ll get over it.
Soon, Cirie drops, then Debbie, and we’re down to 8. And after a series of Positive Reinforcements to herself, Michaela finally drops her block. Watch out, Jeff, she’s gonna throw it at you! After five minutes of yoga, Ozzy drops, much to the displeasure of so many 40-something housewives out there. Then Aubry falls, and did anyone even think Aubry would outlast Ozzy in anything? I’m starting to like this former dork…
Brad is the next to go and I wonder how that merge meal might’ve helped him. We’re down to four:
After 25 minutes, Sarah drops out next, followed soon after by Sierra, who has just too much body to deal with on a challenge like this. Take it from me (I’m 6’-4”) when you’re tall, you’ve got a lot of muscle that can fail when it’s tested… Or I’m just a wussy.
It’s down to Tai vs. Maria von Trapp, and I don’t think she ever made the children do this after singing. But for some reason, she’s holding steady. Not as steady as Tai, who’s been a rock since Jeff called “go.” After a couple minor wobbles, Andrea steadies herself, and then out of nowhere, Tai steps off, his block falling to the ground.
Do, a deer, a female deer,
Re, a drop of all your blocks,
Mi, a name, I call myself
Fa, a game and I’m a fox…
Have I made it perfectly clear I think Andrea is attractive? I thought I was only into Asian women…? And can we give it up for those German power thighs!? As we head to break, Maria reminds us that tonight’s vote will dictate who takes control of this game.
At the newly named Maku Maku camp, Sierra points out to Andrea and Sarah that Hali and Michaela are the targets, but something about the way Hali is playing makes Sierra think she may have an idol. She suggests splitting the vote, but throwing a few more at Michaela.
Cirie then speaks with some players about “the plan,” and Sierra tells her it’s “4 for Hali, the rest on Michaela.” Brad approaches and wants to find out who they’re going to say they’re voting for. “Zeke,” is the go-to. And somewhere, out of the shadows, Michaela suddenly appears and asks, “What’s going on?” And does this chick have some magical ability to show up out of thin air? Maybe she needs to pursue being an assassin because she knows how to sneak up on a motherf**ker. Nevertheless, Sierra tells her they’re gunning for Zeke, because he has the best story to win it at the end. Makes sense.
Hali is unsure what to do, but since she was told to vote for Zeke, she’ll probably do that, as that’s her only option. Michaela is still dumbfounded her name is being mentioned, and Cirie is wondering why she should do what Sierra wants. If it’s Michaela vs. Hali…“why not Hali?”
She theorizes the only reason they want to vote Michaela is so they (the Brad/Sierra alliance) can recruit Hali into their fold. Cirie then pulls Zeke aside to alert him to her theory. He agrees, and knows this vote is critical in dictating the rest of the game, but with all the other advantages afoot (Sierra’s Legacy, and Tai’s 2 idols) I wonder what’s REALLY going to happen tonight.
There’s a few more conversations about strategy and possibilities, but do they really matter? Someone’s going home and someone’s going to be pissed. Let’s just fast forward a little, shall we? We have another whole episode to recap and it looks like I need to run to the liquor store for a little…creative juices…
And as we head to Tribal, the one conversation that sticks out to me is Cirie’s confessional, where she claims she wants to switch the vote against Zeke so she keeps Michaela in her army. Seems like a big move, but with all the negativity coming from Zeke and Cirie thus far, I suddenly think one of them may be in trouble…
Night 21 and everyone makes their way to Tribal Council. Amazing that this is the first time Cirie’s been here this season. Is that a record? I’m sure someone can look that up… Didn’t Tyson go a long time without Tribal? I need a researcher… Cirie grabs fire and Jeff opens the discussion.
-Zeke confirms there are so many conversations occurring, no one can control all of them
-Maria says the “tone for the rest of the game” is going to be determined tonight
-Debbie thinks Michaela is going home
-Hali has read too many 50 Shades of Gray books dealing with blindfolds…
-Michaela, being Michaela, provides yet another reason why she’s not a Game Changer
-Tai says he’s (or they’re) looking 3 or 4 votes down the line…
-Ozzy tells Jeff they may be thinking about who has an idol (which piques Hali’s interest)
-Debbie’s still drunk…
-Cirie says “the person who we think has an idol may not know we think they have an idol”
-Which makes Hali do the dumbest thing ever (but she thinks it’s the smartest thing) and admit that she doesn’t have an idol…
-And I’m not sure if I’m understanding her correctly, but is Hali saying that she’ll get naked to stay on the show another few days? I’m totally lost (and getting a chubby)
-Hali further says it may not be the time to take out a blindfolded player
-And Sierra agrees, or not.
I’m lost. It’s time to vote. I’m really lost…
Votes are shown for Zeke, Hali and Michaela (by Cirie?) so I’m totally in the dark. Where’s my blindfold? I didn’t even read 50 Shades…
Jeff collects the votes and asks for idols. And no, Tai does not offer one of his to Zeke or Hali… Jeff reads the votes:
Boom goes the dynamite abs. The first member of the jury. No big words, no sarcastic comebacks. All I can see is two fine legs walking down the trail. Boo-hoo. And in her final words, she tells us she doesn’t understand, but who cares, we have another hour to recap. Pushing forward…