SURVIVOR: GAME CHANGERS – 3/31/17

Jeff calls everyone in, and somehow, the tribes file in without the help of a boat. Wait? How the hell did they get here?! Is it revealing too much to show they arrived by boat? No matter, when the tribes see that Malcolm was the one to go, the shock is evident. Especially for Maria…

“So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye…
To Malcolm, Bikal, our jury was so tight…”

Totally lame, I know, but can you think of anything that rhymes with Malcolm…?

Jeff asks Ozzy why it’s so shocking Malcolm went home, and of course, he must give props to his fellow warrior and say how much of a “game changer” this is… Oh wait, I see what you did there. Oh, Probst, you dirty dog… You slipped the theme in again this week!

He describes the challenge, which is too involved to type out when I’m buzzing. Let’s just say it involves a lot of “doing stuff.” And right now is when I want to remind you of my theory on Twitter this week that Brad somehow wins and doesn’t take Debbie on the reward challenge.

And at this point, I’m thinking, “Fish, you’re an idiot. It’s still tribe vs. tribe vs. tribe, so if Brad wins, then Debbie wins, so I don’t know what I was thinking. Let’s just see what happens.

Tribes are playing for PB&Js, cookies, and milk (curdled by now, I’m sure), and 2nd place gets PB&Js. Troyzan, continuing to prove how obsolete he is, sits out…

Jeff calls out, “Let’s get ready…for your stomachs…to rumble!”

Tribes engage in a bit of chatter over who should do what – why are they showing us this, they never do that. – and we’re off.

Highlights:
-Bows are hooked in the following order: Sierra, Sarah, Varner
-Ball #1 is dug up by: Tai, Michaela (digging like there’s a Roscoe’s coupon buried), Cirie
-First over the obstacle course is Ozzy (natch)
-Second is Hali, third is J.T.

Tavua has a clear lead as Mana and Nuku struggle at various points in the challenge. J.T. was not strong, Debbie was not strong, Cirie was a bit slow. And despite all the escalating tension, Zeke (Tavua) is the first one to attempt the slide puzzle.

Then, we’re seeing the beginning of Debbie’s troubles on the balance beam, meaning Mana has lost all sight of the lead, and is now the only tribe not on the puzzle. The frustration is clear on her tribe’s faces.

Meanwhile, Zeke zips through the puzzle and clinches first for Tavua…

…and Brad reminds Tai and Sierra,

“She was adamant about doing it (the balance beam), wasn’t she?”

To which Debbie responds…
“It’s too f**king slippery…”

Yes, slippery as a water tester in Pennsylvania…

None of it matters because Sandra finishes her slide puzzle and earns PB&Js for Nuku…

And as Jeff distributes the snacks, Sandra immediately starts eating one as she walks back to her tribe, claiming “the Queen’s birthright” or something like that. (okay, maybe that didn’t happen).

And as we head to commercial, Hurricane Debbie is beginning to form as she mentions how pissed she is that her tribe is a dictatorship, run by Brad. She resents the fact he told everyone what role they would play in the challenge, which clearly is not cool with Tropical Storm Sybil.

But then, what’s this? We’re shown a little flashback where Debbie mentions – just before the challenge – how good she is at balancing, so Brad agreed she should handle the balancing part. And I guess by agreeing, Brad is “culp-epper-able” (?) for her failings. Yup, I see it…

In Crazy Town…

Back at Tavua, the victorious tribe is celebrating with milk, cookies, and the all-important peanut butter. Sarah is confessing how wonderful this tribe has turned out, considering they started from scratch, but she knows that doesn’t mean she can simply sit back and think positively. She needs options, just in case things fall apart.

She has a quick chat with Troyzan about playing together, and considering he’s lowest on the totem pole, he’s quick to agree with anything anyone can offer. She tells him she’s going to look for an idol, and he’d better not spill the beans to the others. But the fact Troyzan has already found the idol means he’s going to watch this chick spin out of control, which means he probably won’t have to play his idol anytime soon. Not sure why he thinks that, but let’s move on…

Day 12 on Mana and I think Tsunami Debbie is about to land. I can’t wait. Let’s watch…

As the tribe sits around doing whatever tribes do after they lose a challenge, Debbie is clearly motivated to pack a bag…and be angry. As she starts to stomp off, Hali calls her in to hang with them, but Debbie is in no mood.

“Why don’t the four of you chat, make decisions, and then when you decide to vote me out, you just give Hali my clothing sale…” (huh?)

To be honest, I have no idea what she said, but when someone starts acting this crazy, I really don’t care what they’re saying and I only want to be sarcastic and make their misery even worse. I can’t do that here, but let’s see how this group handles La Vida Loca en la Cabeza.

They don’t understand why she would be angry considering she’s the one who f**ked up the challenge, which is why Brad is wondering if she’s just putting on an act. But no, this ain’t no act. This is Crazy Bitch 2.0, and take it from us men, we didn’t like Crazy Bitch 1.0…

Nevertheless, Hali goes after her to see just what the hell is going on.

And after watching the next 5 minutes of Debbie acting like a friggin’ psychopath, I can’t defend it, explain it, or rationalize it. I’ll tell you what I wanna do and that’s make fun of the crazy bitch for how she’s behaving right now, but I almost feel sorry for her.

Almost…

I think Debbie is a control freak who can’t stand when she’s not in charge. Maybe this is why you’re not married, you ugly hag. She sits here and goes on and on about how Brad is used to being in charge, but look at who’s freaking out right now. Any good leader, no matter what role or team they’re on, knows how to deal with being on top, knows how to get the best out of their group, and knows when they don’t know anything. Brad did not dictate who did what. He didn’t lose patience when she failed, and certainly didn’t say she was going home for her failures.

In fact, when Debbie says it took Hali 10 minutes to go over the beam and it only took her “30 seconds,” I think we can all agree who’s delusional.

But, I do understand the realities of editing, so I’m aware I may not be totally aware of all the facts as I sit here and attack the next contestant on the Real Housewives of Reading, but it sure is fun to watch her implode, isn’t it?

And when she feels the need to do pushups to work off her anger – right in front of everyone – makes her even more laughable. Why don’t you go strip naked and climb a palm tree and beat your chest? Didn’t I see King Kong, or Ozzy, do that once?

Whatever… Brad tries, and realizes he’s dealing with a crazy person, so maybe he’ll need to target her next, which is just what she’s going to do with him next Tribal.

Next day at Nuku (Day 13), and since we’ve already traveled down that Crazy River, why don’t we just keep paddling? While J.T. is making his coffee, Michaela requests “7 drops of coffee and a scoop of sugar,” which strikes J.T. as “just plain ignorance.” At this moment, I just fell in love with J.T. again, because he’s so right, but guess who wants to crank things up a notch?

The Queen.

When J.T. takes off, she decides to go finish off ALL the sugar, because she knows J.T. will blame Michaela, and that’s all the chaos Sandra needs for someone else to go home. However, she does this right in front of Varner, who seems amazed that these are the idiots he’s been selected to play with his 3rd time…

“The damn sugar’s gone…” J.T. says when he sees the empty Mason jar (again, the Mason jars lead to drama!) and immediately fingers Michaela (stop it, pervs!) for the heist. When she returns to camp, he plays coy about who may have eaten all the sugar, and Michaela is as good at holding her anger as Tai is at holding in secrets. Things will be imploding soon, methinks…

Back at Mana, the tension is thick as Debbie and Brad still don’t know what to do with each other. This isn’t sitting well with Tai, who is bothered because he’s not a high stress kinda guy (which is not the kinda guy who should be on a reality show, IMHO). But there’s one thing he can do, which is go look for an idol! And rather than making this a tribe effort (they can do that, right?) he decides to head off on his own. Which can’t be smart when someone is clearly a bigger target than him right now. But, he’s playing his own game. His own dumb game.

And, what do you know? He finds another clue which says he needs to “soak a wooden board” and that’ll reveal the idol, but he doesn’t even know what that means. I’m not sure I do either, but who cares, it’s time for the Immunity Challenge!

Another big obstacle course with a wall, a wooden log cube, a balance beam and some slingshots this time, so let’s see what drama unfolds this time around. Cirie sits out for Tavua…

And immediately, Cyclone Debbie is back, and this time she’s damn skippy she’s doing the balance beam again, despite the protestations of the rest of her tribe. No one wants to stand up to this crazy person, and why they don’t suggest throwing the challenge right now – in front of her, just to be rid of her – is beyond me.

In fact, why even run the challenge? We’re onto a Brandon Hantz level of insanity and anger, so why don’t we just do Tribal Council right now? Pity, none of the Mana game changers wants to truly change the game… Nope… Instead, Mana just lets the President-Elect turn her back on them and make the decision for the tribe… Oh god, I think we’re gonna need extra sandbags for the coming storm.

Into the challenge we go and the biggest observation I have is that Debbie simply won’t let it go… She just keeps harping on the fact she’s not a failure, and I can’t even any more with this one… I don’t have any more criticisms left for this bonehead. Let’s just skip forward…

Tavua has a massive lead and Ozzy is launching sandbags as Debbie continues to complain. But once Mana gets all their bags over the beam, Sierra hits two quick targets and they’ve actually taken the lead!

Sarah and J.T. trade strikes as Brad takes over for Mana. He lands one, as does Ozzy, and then Brad hits their final target, guaranteeing Debbie will be here at least 2 more episodes.

F**k!

It’s now J.T. vs. Ozzy who are tied with 2 targets left. J.T. connects! And so does Ozzy, as we’re down to one each… J.T. launches first…and just misses! Ozzy takes a breath, says a prayer to the Aztec god Quetzalcoatl and launches…and hits! The feathered serpent controls the wind and wisdom today…sending Nuku to Tribal, and I can’t wait to see how Sugargate will play out…

When Nuku returns to camp, Michaela immediately heads off to do whatever black girls do in the jungle leaving the others to talk about her. J.T. instantly lobbies for Foxy Brown to go home, since “she can’t help the tribe no mo’,” and he’s not a “sugar stealer.”

Varner, Sandra and Aubry claim to be on board, but when J.T. replies, I could really use some subtitles right now to understand just what that hillbilly is saying.

Later, he heads off for a little poop/fishing so Sandra pulls Michaela aside and asks if she’s on board with getting rid of J.T. Of course she is, and that’s all Sandra needs to start Operation: Redneck, which might make up for Malcolm’s departure.

Now, I know we’re getting closer to the jury, but isn’t it still too early to eliminate the last strong member of your tribe? I know Sandra claims to know how to get to Day 39, but is getting rid of J.T. really the BEST move for Nuku right now? Let’s hope no one else agrees because I could see this tribe losing every Immunity Challenge from now on, and that’s even when going up against the dysfunctional Mana tribe.

And just before they head out to Tribal, Sandra has a conversation with Varner about her plan, which prompts him to confess he’s in the driver’s seat tonight. He can either vote out “an attitude problem,” or a “strong threat,” and it’s clear he hasn’t made up his mind yet.