SURVIVOR: MILLENNIALS VS GEN X RECAP – 12/9/16

“Everybody needs me, and I believe I can start flip-flopping back and forth enough times to win this game…”

Okay, kid, you just lost your Survivor virginity 15 minutes ago, check yourself before you start thinking you can pull in Julie McGee ass right now… Nevertheless, Will’s on the Jersey Shore, thinking he’s some new mastermind.

Meanwhile, Bret and Sunday retreat to have a grownup talk about what just went down at Tribal. Even Bret can see the fallacy of simply trying to make “big moves,” because he knows it takes more than that to win the game. Like…just get to the Final 3 and that gives you a better chance to win than by making big moves.

Now, I’m not sure I totally agree with Big Bret right now, considering how I started tonight’s column, but let’s see where he’s going with this. He mentions how terribly every Tribal Council goes for him, and it happened again, so maybe Bret isn’t really a threat to win the game. He seems happier just bitching about how lame the other players are than thinking about what he’s going to do to win, but he knows he’s got to do something. And he’s going to start by ripping everyone else and confessing he’s got to figure out a way to stay alive in the game.

The next morning, Bret and Sunday are out with Adam discussing the previous night’s vote and who is still a threat. They all agree that Jay, Will and David are the most dangerous, and it’s music to Adam’s ears that Bret is saying those 3 need to go first. The two Gen-Xers vow to give Adam their vote, and hopefully these three can make it to FT. They shake on it…like that means anything…

And immediately, we’re off to our first Immunity Challenge of the night. In it, players will need to untie a post and stack disks on it. Then, they have to walk over a balance beam, keeping the disks on the post, and then maneuver them through a wire maze. Once all the disks have been deposited at the final station, the disks have to be rolled through a gap to win the challenge. With a lot of coordination and balance, I’m thinking a surfer is going to win. Let’s see how it goes…

After a quick drop from Sunday, David and Bret appear to be in the lead. Will is struggling, as well as Hannah. On the positive side, David and Ken get through Stage 1 first. Now they have to stack the disks on both ends of a staff. Adam, meanwhile, finishes Stage 1 while Will is the only one left dealing with the balance beam.

Out of nowhere, Bret takes the lead, having brought only 4 disks through the wire maze. Jay is close on his heels, with 6 disks stacked on his staff. Sunday and Hannah are dropping out fast, and Will is hilariously the only one left on Stage 1, the surfer (Jay) finishes Stage 2 first (see, I told you) and can start rolling the disks. He’s followed by David and Bret, but based on David’s rolling technique, you know he’s not going to have much success. Seriously, David, you do understand how disks will roll if you throw them with backspin, right? Have you no idea how physics works?

With a count of Jay (6), Bret (2) and David (2), the players rush to pick up their missed disks and throw again. Jay steps up and coolly drops in 4 in a row to clinch the victory and solidify himself as the strongest competitor left in the game…and he’d better, considering his “no alliance left” strategy. But with an Idol in his pocket, Jay is feeling super pumped right now. The complete opposite of everyone else in the game.

Back at camp, Ken says that since Jay can’t be targeted, he “doesn’t know what’s going on.” And that doesn’t seem very hard to believe. I get the picture Ken doesn’t know what’s going on a lot of the time, but thankfully he’s so pretty he can get away with it.

Jay and Will choose the clear water pool to take a pee/have a chat in, which is probably not the best choice, considering their dehydration. Jay is trying to get Will to see that since David is not a threat in challenges, maybe they should target Ken, who may be Jay’s only competition physically. And I’m wondering why he’s saying that now, considering David was one of the two players who made it to the final stage of the Immunity Challenge. But, I know logic makes no sense on Survivor, so let’s hear what Will has to say.

“But David’s a weasel, and if Ken gets to the end, it’s not even a contest.”

So I guess we now know how Will feels about his chances against Ken. I don’t think I agree it wouldn’t be a contest, but with Will’s delusions of grandeur right now, I just wanna watch this kid implode.

Meanwhile, David is getting wind of all the BS that Will is throwing around camp, and when has it been difficult to smell BS in the wind? The kid is talking about how he’s “calling the shots” and I just want to remind everyone what I predicted about Will before the season began…

Will Wahl – Millennial: Not sure why everyone is hating on this kid… Oh wait, I know, it’s his freakishly deep voice, his belief that (at 18) he’ll be able to manipulate ANYONE, and his impulse to use religion to sidle up to folks only to toss them to the lions. For shame, Christian! As I mentioned last season, young’uns ain’t going to win Survivor, they just don’t have it in them. Prediction: No Jury

Okay, so maybe I was wrong about No Jury, but I was spot on about his belief that he can manipulate anyone. Who the hell is EVER swayed by something uttered by an 18 year old? And no offense to 18 year olds, but the only ones I pay attention to are the young ladies in the “movies I download” who claim they’re “ready for anything.” But Will? Sorry, kid, you’re not proving anything right now…

David, on the other hand, is freaking out that there are so many conversations happening that he’s not a part of, and knows that Will probably wants to follow up his big move with another one. And the only other big move Chuck E. Cheese can make is taking out the biggest perceived threat in the game, and that’s David.

So while Will and Jay are taking a hammock break, Adam approaches to discuss their plan. Will confirms it’s going to be David, since he has Bret and Sunday on board. But Adam doesn’t like the idea that Will is controlling things, so he heads off to have a sit down with Bret, and lets him know his real plan is to take out Will. Bret is down with voting out anyone who’s name doesn’t rhyme with “fret” and tells Adam he and Sunday are voting with him.

After, Adam pulls Hannah aside and before I mention what they discussed, I have to go off on the little issue that’s been bothering me about Hannah for a while now. And I thought I was going to stay away from it because one of my readers said it’s melasma and is a condition, but I’m calling “shenanigans” on that. Hannah’s face is dirty. Period. She’s a pig who doesn’t know how to clean herself. If she was ANY of the women I’ve grown up around, she would ask “Do I have anything on my face?” or “Do I need to exfoliate?” or “Do I look like a f**king pig before the cameras are shoved in my face?” And I don’t care if she reads this, or someone who knows her does. The point is, if you’re going to be on TV – even if it’s a rough and tumble show like Survivor – pay attention to what you look like, how clean you are, and what the cameras will pick up, because right now you look like a pig.

So when Adam tells her that Bret and Sunday are willing to vote out Will, I’m a little stumped when she talks how Will and David saved her, when it’s Adam who played his Immunity Idol on her, so WTF is she talking about? It’s probably the alcohol…

And worse, when Adam confesses he can take out a person who’s loyal to him (Will) or take out one of the biggest threats in the game (David), it seems like a no-brainer that he should gun for David. Am I confused here? Any thoughts?

The players head to tribal and I’m left wondering how they’ll screw this up, because nothing is making sense right now. The players take their seats and get to see all those snazzy new haircuts on the Jury. How nice…

Jeff opens the line of discussion and reminds us that everything centered around Will last Tribal. There are a few other angles mentioned, but essentially it’s:

-Will made a big move
-Adam burned an Idol
-Jay doesn’t give a crap, he’s safe
-David’s worried
-Hannah says players have been floppy and it’s important to take out players
-Adam talks about goats and “how do I get to the end?”
-Jeff and David discuss the notion of goats and how big moves can help/curse you
-Jay loves the idea that no one knows what’s going to happen

Jeff tells them to vote and they do. He tallies…

David
David
Will
Will
Will
Will
Will

Boom goes the virginity, and I guess you won’t be needing the rest of those condoms, playa. Looks like you overshot your importance by thatmuch… No one seems that surprised, shocked, unhappy, or glad, it just seems like everyone is ready to keep playing the game with adults in the room. It’s kinda like when someone brings their kid to a bar and you’re glad when the kid passes out in a booth. It’s like, “Who brought their friggin’ kid to a bar?” and “Let’s start talking about adult s**t now…” Jeff, you can keep the milk in the fridge at the next Reward Challenge.

Jeff preludes the rest of the game by warning the remaining players, “you must be seen,” so I hope that lights a fire under their asses that they got to play and not skate to the finish. But with these “short bussers,” who knows what they’re thinking?

Who cares what Will’s final words are… Dude’s a chump…

“The grownups” make their way back to camp (Night 34) and David thanks everyone for keeping him around. Jay confesses he’s all alone now, but he’s not going home, since he has an Idol to keep him safe.

He shares a conversation with Adam about taking David to the end, and how that won’t work out for Adam, but The Screamer confesses he’s just stroking Jay with this conversation, and it’s really Jay’s idol that’s in Adam’s crosshairs. IDK, that sounds kind of gay.

On Day 35, the players file in for their next Immunity Challenge. Jeff tells us the players will need to solve a block puzzle, but can only do so during the time a ball is rolling down a pachinko machine maze. If the ball drops from the bottom of the maze, players have to wait while the ball rolls down slowly to the basket at the bottom.

Everyone seems to understand how this should work so JP starts the challenge. I won’t mention every single up and down, but one thing is clear…everyone’s an idiot for not being able to keep their ball on the maze. EVERYONE allows their ball to drop causing them to wait for it to make its way to the bottom, and clearly, everyone would be blown away if they had played on an earlier season…

With numerous failures, the players apparently in the lead are David and Ken, and it’s Ken who thinks he may have solved it first. Upon closer inspection, Jeff confirms that Ken did not solve it, and forces Ken to face the reality that maybe life won’t be handed to him this time. But to make it a little easier, Adam decides to help Ken out and tell him when he needs to come back to catch his ball. Sneaky, sneaky, Adam, as Kelley would say… And damn, I guess supermodels do get their life handed to them…

After a little help from Adam, Ken is able to finish his puzzle, and win Immunity, saving himself, and pissing off a few others at how Adam helped out. And once Jeff places the Immunity necklace on his neck, he reminds him (and us) that Ken will live to see Day 36, meaning he will get to benefit from the Legacy Advantage willed to him from Jessica, so I wonder how that’s going to work out…

As Ken accepts the Immunity Necklace from Probst, he tells us that Jay reminds him of an earlier version of himself, and he just wonders if having Jay unprotected is the perfect time to take him out. Only time will tell…