It’s a bittersweet day, folks, because once again we have to say goodbye to our favorite show for a little while. But don’t despair, we can celebrate one last time. For tonight is the culmination of what some people are calling a great season of Survivor, while others – like me – are claiming it’s another season of “upside-down” Survivor gameplay.
Not sure how this one will play out, but one thing is certain, a good Final Tribal can make up for a lackluster season. Let’s hope all these attorneys, debate champs, and bitter castoffs will BRING IT tonight, or else I may have to start recapping The Walking Dead, Gotham, or Berlin Station from now one…
Seriously, you should check out Berlin Station…
So with a 2-hour (gulp!) episode, the reunion show, and then whatever else I find in the dark recesses of my mind, tonight’s column may get a little long in the tooth. So let’s not dilly-dally any longer, let’s crack open the final coconut in Season 33, Millidiots vs. Gen-XY.
Jeff opens the show in the nether regions of CBS Television City – I remember interviewing there so seeing this reminds me how much I hate CBS for never hiring me – and since he’s got to try something new, he’s going to take us by the craft service table to see all the junk food production people eat.
But no, he’s going to show off the well-kempt and showered cast, who are all dying to know if Figgy is going to punch Taylor, or bump uglies with him at the commercial breaks. They seem – cordial – but of course, Jeff has to pimp one of the S34 players (it’s not a spoiler when I’ve been saying it for weeks) and points out the nasty blindside of Michaela and how she exposed her immaturity and just how trashy she really is. Even when Jeff opens the door for her to say something to wash away all that negativity, all she can come up with is…
“I shore did,” when asked about leaving her shoes behind in a huff.
Well, I’m sure she’s going to do really well next season, Jeff. Nice call there, Casting Department.
Jeff then teases the transformations players went through this season, and I’m instantly wondering if they just cast insecure people who need to go through a transformation to make good TV. IDK, just a thought…
He tells us what’s in store tonight and asks us to send in questions to @JeffProbst, on Twitter during the episode. Hey, I have one…
.@JeffProbst Hey Jeff, love the show! Can you ask @PigStyHannah if she knows how to exfoliate? Or more importantly, does she have ablutophobia? Thanks, JP!
[def. Ablutophobia is the persistent, abnormal and unwarranted fear of bathing, washing, or cleaning. This phobia is a situational specific phobia.]
Okay, maybe that’s a little harsh…
He reminds us that this season can be won by any of the final 6 players, and when he shows off the live studio audience and tells us “tickets are still in demand” I’m wondering just how big a cut does Jeff get from every ticket and how does anyone GET a ticket to this thing. Because from what I’ve gathered, it’s only Survivor players’ family, CBS employees, or their families, or people who can afford to fork out bookoo dolares to take the afternoon off… But I’m not bitter…
To the episode!
A recap of past highlights reminds us that…
-Fiji is gorgeous
-Millennials are apathetic to everything
-Gen-Xers like to work, and complain
-Showing your tits gets you invited back to play another season (hear that, Jessica?)
-Fiji is dangerous
-Figtails is “bangerous” (just go with it!)
-Emotions will be running high tonight
-All gay men have dad bods…
-Gameplay, idols, rocks and blindsides ruled the season
We’re then given a montage of each player, but we already know these folks. We know their stories. Nothing new is provided.
Night 35 at Vinaka and the players have returned from Tribal Council. Jay is not so subtly reminded that his idol was flushed, and now he’s threadbare. He claims he wasn’t going to play it; yet can’t explain why he did. I’ll tell you why, because you never know in Survivor and he didn’t wanna go home looking like a dumbass (let’s see if that good luck continues tonight). But he’s determined to find an idol tomorrow, which he’s sure will be out there…
Bret shares a midnight chat with PigPen and can’t believe they didn’t take out David tonight. He compares it to having the opportunity to take out “Obama Lin Saden” (almost, Bret, almost…) and laments he’s working with morons… His targets are David and Jay, and confesses those two guys “are going to win this game.”
Later, when everyone’s fast asleep, David is channeling Joe and making a fake immunity necklace out of beads, shells, and some paint he got at the Mamanuca Home Depot. Not sure where he got that from, but I’m hoping someone out there can tell me it’s possible to make paint out of coconut milk, blood and jism…
Nevertheless, he makes something that looks nothing like any idol the show would ever manufacture, but I’m sure one of these fools is dumb enough – or delusional enough – to think they’ve found a real one. Let’s watch!
And right on cue, morning breaks and Jay is already looking for an idol. As he forages about, he’s joined by Ken and David who are evidently out looking for coconuts. Defeated, Jay picks up a few of his own to cover his search, but is keeping his eyes peeled for anything that may indicate an idol is near.
And whaddya know? Jay spots a pink triangle and thinks he just found an idol. Wasn’t he just saying he doesn’t want to look like a dumbass? To be honest, the emblem David painted on the coconut looks more like the North Carolina logo for gender neutral bathrooms, but it’s good enough for Day 36 on Survivor.
Jay makes his way back to the “coco-NOT” and is tickled pink he’s found another idol. He’s talking crap like he invented it and can’t wait to see the look on “those fools” faces when he drops this bomb. Yes, Jay, neither can we…
Later that day, Ken takes the opportunity to go read his Legacy Advantage clue in private – and how is he able to do that without alerting the others? – but has to put on his best jeans and shirt to do so. Looks like he’s going out on a date, or maybe he thinks the Advantage will be a Fantasy Suite reward with Nick Viall (Ken’s heard that guy is easy…).
But no, Ken just gets to read the note inside, which turns out to be guaranteed Immunity at the next Tribal Council. Wow. That’s huge. Now, I guess we’re all hoping he wins the next Immunity Challenge too so he can give it to David to garner more power in the game. But let’s just see what happens because something tells me I’m wrong again.
And off to the first Immunity we go and it’s a doozy. Players will race through a series of obstacles while collecting a bag of tiles. At a combination lock, the tiles will contain numbers that need to be entered, allowing a key to drop. When they grab their key, they should COVER THEIR NUMBERS so the other players can’t see, and race under a net, up a wall, and use the key to unlock a set of puzzle pieces. The puzzle hangs from above, which will make it difficult to assemble.
For the winner, Immunity at tonight’s Tribal Council, AND a Reward, which is a big steak dinner back at camp. Everyone starts foaming at the mouth, especially Jay… Jeff calls them to the line, and releases the hounds…Go!
Jay and Ken take the early lead and reach the combination lock first. With only 6 combinations possible, it shouldn’t take long to get it. Jay does get it first, grabs his key, and takes off – without covering up his numbers. Ooohh, bad move, dumbass.. Who’s the fool, now?
Immediately, the other players begin to head over to steal Jay’s thunder, but let’s see if he’s gotten enough of a lead to finish this off. Meanwhile, everyone is using Jay’s sequence to solve their own combination…all except David, who can’t seem to remember a simple set of 3 numbers. That’s okay, David, we just need you to write stuff, not remember stuff… But he’s still ahead of Adam, who’s dead last.
With only a small lead, Jay seems to not have something right as the gaps in his puzzle are glaring. David, however, is maniacally placing piece after piece, and has somehow taken the lead. Not sure what happened to everyone else, but David is about to win this thing. Just as Jay is about to place one of the last two pieces, the gaps in his fruit bat cause most of it to fall to the ground, giving David all the time he needs to complete the comeback. The Little Writer Who Could wins Immunity…and steak!
But hold on there, Kimo Slobby, just as Jeff places the necklace around David and says he’s getting T-boned tonight, Jay calls out…
And deftly uses the Reward Steal Adam gave him to snatch this one away from David at the last moment. But…because Jay “don’t play like that,” he allows David to join him, and then picks Adam to come along, since he gave him the reward. Not a bad choice, I’ll say. I’m sure everyone would have loved to partake but Jay did what he felt was just. Good on ya, kid…
“The game’s not over, until they say the game is over…”
When everyone gets back to camp, the three diners split off and head to a table set up nearby with steak, mashed potatoes and some hearty vegetables. Just what the doctor ordered on Day 36.
This meal also gives Jay an opportunity to talk turkey with the David and Adam about “getting rid of Bret, not me” because “I’m a shield for you guys, and I promise to take you both to final 3.” They all seem to agree Bret is a huge threat considering how many friends he has on the jury, and David confesses he’s liking what he’s hearing. According to Dave, Ken is his only ally, so he likes the idea of Jay serving as a shield for him. Adam just sits there, nodding, and eating…not revealing anything.
Back at camp, the other three are discussing how easy tonight’s vote should be: it’s Jay. “Five to one…easy, easy, easy,” as Bret says. Ken is also not liking the fact Jay will be with a full belly after his Reward meal, which is even more reason to take him out tonight.
When the Zagat Survey returns, David, Hannah and Adam head off to discuss what they’re going to do, and the discussion centers around Bret. But while David and Hannah seem in favor of it, Adam confesses he’s more interested in gunning for his biggest rival, Jay. His rationale is that Bret is no threat to win any challenge, and Jay could easily win 2 in a row and win hands down at Final Tribal.
I’m a little lost at what to think right now, but that’s mostly because they’re showing a close-up of Hannah and the filth on her face is making me puke a little in my mouth. Will someone from Hair & Make-up please give her some concealer…!? Regardless, these three can’t come to a consensus, and it looks like it might come down to either Bret or Jay tonight.
At Vinaka, Jay and Bret are discussing what to do, but are interrupted by Ken and Hannah, who are suspiciously returning at the same time. Oh, PigPen, you di’n’t, girl? Did you? You nasty beeyotch, you did it with Ken by the poop field, didn’t cha?
Hannah asks Jay to come have a chat with her and David, which sets Bret off because they could be costing him – and themselves – a million dollars. He affirms why he’s the best thing this season when he confesses how it is dealing with “crazy people” and dopes.
“What could they possibly be discussing with him?” he cries…
Hannah tells Jay the lay of the land between her, David and Adam voting with Jay and it’s a solid,
David – yes
Hannah – maybe
Adam – no
Jay asks if she’d be on board if he could sway Adam and she tells him she would. So he’s got to go talk to Adam. He promises the former Screamer that if he’ll vote with him, he’ll guarantee to take Adam to final 3. Don’t know how much weight that holds at this point, but Jay is so confident with his Hidden Idol he’s rolling the dice.
Adam tells us he’s conflicted about what to do, because even though they’ve formed this odd combatant/brother relationship, and knowing that Jay promises to take him to final 3, the only question left on Adam’s mind is…
“Can I beat him?” We’ll see what unfolds as the players grab their torches and head to Tribal Council.
After everyone takes their seats and Jeff calls in the jury, we once again get to witness the Stink-Eye Gang file in. This has got to be a directive by the producers because everyone looks ridiculous with those fake “resting bitch face” stares… Even Bret gets a laugh at that. And you can tell Sunday is doing everything she can from not bursting out laughing…
Jeff calls the session to order and tells the room about David’s Immunity and the Reward that Jay stole. Tribal Council then goes as follows:
-Jay says he made his pitch to stay because he’s tired of being at the bottom
-Adam confirms that it was a working lunch
-Bret announces that it’s either him or Jay, and “that surfer kid” is a threat
-But the surfer kid counters that the jury are all Bret’s chums
-Bret retorts with “Jay has friends, too, on the jury.”
-Hannah lets us know she’s thinking about the jury, too (why?)
-Jeff tries to embarrass Jay by mentioning he didn’t cover his numbers at the challenge
-Ken informs us that your brain gets wonky on Day 36
-JP says the steak-eaters will definitely have an advantage tomorrow
-David is clearly delusional. Hannah could beat him in an arm wrestling competition
-Ken mentions that idols may be at play, but thinks if anyone had made one at night, he’s sure the others would have heard it (are you sure about that…?)
-Hannah says everyone has a vote and a purpose (thanks for that)
JP knows we got a lot of show left so he tells them to go vote, toot sweet. When they’re done, he collects the urn and asks for any Hidden Idols. With smug confidence, Jay tells Jeff to hold on one cotton pickin’ minute and pulls the Home Depot Idol out of a giant orange bucket. The shock on the others is apparent, all except David, who’s just waiting for the mic to drop…
“This is…not a Hidden Immunity Idol,” Jeff announces, causing Jay to snap his neck to Jeff and I believe he may have pooped his wetsuit a little…
Jeff throws the piece of junk into the fire and David dives in to save this work of art. Actually, the air that’s left the room has caused to fire to go out, and someone from Special Effects has to come out to relight the Weber Summit.
During that delay, Ken takes the opportunity to speak when the cameras aren’t on him –he’s shy, ya know – and also calls for Jeff’s attention.
“Jeff, can I give something to you?”
He rises, and in his best gunslinger vibe yanks up his pant leg to pull out the Legacy Advantage. He hands it over to Jeff and tells the others that it signifies he has Immunity tonight. Which is probably no big deal, considering he’s not on the chopping block, but it does cause Jessica to have a slight heart murmur, realizing she could have been safe tonight – had she been able to survive four additional votes after her rock draw. Maybe a slight over-reaction on her part, but I get it, everyone’s got to do what they can to increase the drama. Good on ya, Det. Washington!
“I hate this game…” she whispers to the jury… (Shhh, don’t say that, Jessica, Mark Burnett may be listening!).
Jeff reads the votes.
And the kid from Ft. Lauderdale rides his last wave of the season as he goes out gleefully, jokingly, and appreciative for the opportunity. What a class act. Oh, by the way, hey Michaela, you should pay attention to how Jay just walked out. THAT’s how you do it. No need to be bitter, pissed off, and ghetto, just grab your shoes and be happy you got to play. JFC, I hate that chick…