So let’s dive right into part 2, shall we? Not like there’s anything special to do on Thanksgiving with the family…
The castaways return to camp on Day 28, and Jay is just stoked he didn’t have to use his idol. He apologizes to Jessica for writing her name down, but she’s just happy Chris went home. Besides, they can just take Jay out next time!
Bret and Zeke share a conversation where the “funeral director” tells Zeke he’s cool with what went down, because it needed to happen anyway, and Chris would’ve won the game if he got to the end. Zeke apologizes that he couldn’t include Bret, but wants him to know he & Sunday are not at the bottom now. And moving forward, they both agree they’d like to work together. But more importantly, Zeke got to them before David did, who is Zeke’s ultimate target.
The next morning, David has his opportunity to have the same conversation with Bret & Sunday that Zeke had last night, which elicits the same response from Bret:
-Chris was my buddy
-He would’ve won
-It had to happen sometime
They agree the next vote will be Jay, and then David confesses his master plan, which is to take out Jay, and then target Will, then Zeke, because Zeke is currently playing the best game. David makes the mistake of revealing this plan to Bret, who tells us that since he just signed on with Zeke, David will now need to go.
Bret and Zeke take a walk to the water tank where Bret spills about David’s master plan. Zeke is not surprised upon hearing this, and they agree that when it’s David’s time to go, it has to be done quietly.
The next day (Day 29) while people are hanging around camp, we hear conversations from both David and Zeke how similar they are in this game. David hopes to use that as a way to take out Zeke easier, because the chubby little gay man is playing harder than the skinny little gay man (he’s gay, right?). Somehow, Zeke thinks David is more of a threat to win (how’s that?).
He takes Hannah and Adam aside to discuss the conversation he had with Bret, and how David told him Zeke is his next target. And god**mnit, Hannah, your frickin’ cheek is still filthy, so that just tells me you haven’t bathed in 2 days. Holy s**t, girl, go wash your ass! And then she said something about not knowing who to work with, but “I can’t even” considering how disgusting this chick is…
Thankfully, we head out to the next Reward Challenge and it’s taking place on a tiny little sandbar in the middle of the Bligh Water (check out: -17.691896, 177.146873 in Google Maps) which looks like a great location for a challenge. This is exactly why I love Survivor, and I hope to visit a place like this again someday).
Today’s challenge has 3 teams of 3 players with bound feet and hands. One at a time, players will slither through the sand. After each finishes their leg, all three players race forward to complete a snake puzzle that we’ve also seen previously. The winning team will get picked up via helicopter and given a tour of the surrounding area. After, they’ll land and get treated to a Survivor feast.
The one twist to today’s challenge is that the one person who isn’t chosen will AUTOMATICALLY get to go on the Reward…kind of like winning the Survivor lottery.
Purple Team
Hannah
Jessica
Adam
Green Team
Will
Ken
Jay
Orange Team
Sunday
Zeke
Bret
David chose the white rock and gets to go on the Reward regardless. Man, the pendulum really swings both ways for David this episode, doesn’t it? Highs and lows, brother, highs and lows… Jeff calls “Go!”
Squirming across the sand like inchworms, the players try to wriggle their bodies forward without eating too much sand. It looks like some are simulating a dance move from the 80’s. It seems to me the women may be at a disadvantage here, especially if they’re awesome enough to have implants. Don’t think Hannah has anything to worry about. Perhaps Jessica might…
On the other side, not only does this motion smash their chests, but it also makes players start to lose their drawers, as Will’s butt crack attests. This challenge is beginning to make me crave Neapolitan ice cream, as everyone’s sunburn/suntan/lily white asses make me head to the freezer.
Sunday is emulating Scotty 2 Hotty vs. Kurt Angle at Smackdown with her worm-like method, and I’m wondering why players simply don’t “roll” their way through the course. Do they have to do the worm? Could be a good interview question for Jessica, if I ever land her…
Will finishes leg 1 first and sends Ken on his way, up the more difficult hill of sand the 2nd leg features. As he speeds through his section, both Jessica and Zeke get under way, and immediately you can see Jessica is not suited for this challenge. She’s picking up more sand with her top than my son used to in a sandbox, and curses to the show for blurring all the boob action that should be very titillating right now.
Meanwhile, Ken hands off to Jay, and Zeke is doing his part to keep the Orange team in it. Jessica is still struggling… “I can’t, I can’t do it…” while Zeke is doing his best impersonation of Mrs. Doubtfire sticking her face in a cream pie at the fridge… Bret is off now just as Green starts building their snake puzzle and we get the line of the night from Probst,
“Bret, that white butt glowing in the sun…” (let’s remember that one for later, shall we?)
As Jessica finally finishes her leg and hands off to Adam, Bret completes his leg and Orange can start their puzzle but is it too little too late? Green has been working for a while, but seems to be struggling on the puzzle. Can it really be that hard? Adam finishes now getting Purple to the puzzle, while Orange – led by Mrs. Doubtfire – are making quick work of it.
While Purple frantically works to catch up, Green seems to be floundering as they shift pieces around they had already placed. And remarkably, Orange just seems to place every piece correctly and finishes the puzzle in record time (I assume). Everyone else can suck rocks…
A helicopter lands nearby to whisk the players away, and Adam comments that he may just steal this Reward away from David, since he didn’t really earn it. He decides otherwise – cuz we all know he wants to steal someone’s Loved Ones Reward in a future episode – and lets David board the chopper. And as the helicopter flies off the sandbar, we can hear Zeke yell out to the losers,
“It was a drive-by fruiting…!”
Jeff tells everyone to “head back to camp,” but as the camera pulls back, I’m left wondering just how in the hell are they supposed to do that? Do they have to swim the 2 miles back to their island…? (yes, I measured)
I am going to make a simple statement and re watch the episodes before I discuss the game play . I think Bret was a total douchebag bully at the second tribal !!!!! I also think he is lying about being gay . Not that I care if he is I just think he was an ass and hope he is gone soon ! Oh how stupid are these players ? Jay is the biggest threat and its not close . He has 3 votes guaranteed if he makes the final tribal . Michelle , Taylor and Will ( who has no chance ) . Simple math morons . Plus he will be able to argue that he was a strong player who won challenges and made final 3 even though his alliance was blown up early in the game !
Hi! Longtime reader, just too lazy to work up the energy to go through the registration process required to comment…until today. This has definitely been a pretty weak season. I can’t stand the fact that Sunday, Bret, and Will are still hanging around. Jessica was one of our top picks to win. I’m now solidly on Team Ken (mostly because he’s hot and seems normal). And I 100% agree with Rick in that Jay is a huge threat! Super excited for this season to end. Next season’s cast is pretty epic. Hopefully they don’t disappoint! Keep up the good work. This recap is something I look forward to every week 🙂
I really enjoyed reading this aside from the objectification comments you made about Jessica. She is attractive, yes, but she is way more than that.
Lena Marie Jessica is obviously a smart person . However when you are on TV in your underwear for 10 weeks you are going to be objectified . That goes for the men and women . The game play has been wildly inconsistent but the Tribal have been CRAZY !!! Jen welcome aboard !!! Yes next season may go down as one of the best ever with that cast ! Zeke vs David as the ultimate battle for Survivor power . Man how bad are the players to let that happen ! Zeke is an ok player but David is useless !
Folks, thanks for all the comments this week! THAT is what I’m talking about, always good to hear from you all…
Rick – I hear ya on Bret’s actions, but I really gotta wonder how much more happened at Tribal that they’re not showing us. I’ve heard they go for a few hours, so you know there’s a lot more that could have led to Bret’s anger. And besides, it’s a friggin’ game, right? All’s fair in love and Survivor…
-Not gonna touch on whether Bret is gay or not. I’ve never heard anyone claim to be (and isn’t) so I’m gonna go with he is what he is…
-And yes, you’re right about Jay and Jury votes. I’m surprised people don’t have more conversations early on about them.
-Keep up the comments, dude…!
Jen – Thank you for registering! I know, it’s such a hassle but it means so much to me that you did. And I think you can comment on any WordPress sites, so…you’ve got THAT going for you…which is nice.
-I totally agree with you on Sunday and Will, but I am getting fonder of Bret. Maybe it’s his drinking elbow, or just that he seems to be able to not let his emotions get the best of him…until that Tribal meltdown. We’ll see. And I do like Ken, a) because he’s a stud (no homo), and b) because he seems really down to Earth. Those are the players I’ve always liked, and wish we got more of them. On the flip side, sometimes he’s as boring as a box of rocks, but I’ll take that over the Russells, Brandons, Dans or Wills (no collar) anyday…
-Looking forward to next season too. Can’t wait. And thank you for your kind words. It really means a lot to me. Write in more!
LenaMarie – first of all, thank you for sending in your comment. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to write in. That said, I gotta defend the fact that I’ve been wholly supportive of Jessica since week 1. I’ve complimented her many times, said very nice things about her character, gameplay and moxie. And considering how her pre-game cast photo and first 8 episodes portrayed her — shall we say, rather frumpy — I don’t think it’s so wrong to say that a woman looks hot when she’s been (or the show has been) hiding it. Hell, a decade ago, I used to work in a strip club and if I said “you have great tits” to an employee, she’d be thrilled. And yes, I know that’s not a compliment I can make nowadays in my current situation or job, but it doesn’t mean I’m objectifying Jessica when I write it (maybe I’m just being flirty…?). And I don’t think she would have retweeted my column, or liked it, or continued to read it, if she felt objectified. Clearly, there are times I have to cross lines to try and make a joke, but that’s what any wannabe comedic writer does. And if I wanted to write a clean cut, straight-and-narrow recap, I wouldn’t be doing it on a site that defines itself with the words “slanted” and “sophomoric” at the top of every page. It’s just the format, my dear, and I hope you understand that. I look forward to your continued patronage and comments… Fish
Rick – keep ’em coming, buddy! Hope you had a great holiday! Looking forward to a Jay/Ken/Zeke FT…
Bret is growing on me as well. I do enjoy watching him knock back the drinks on the rewards…but not make a total ass out of himself in the process. The hubs and I were talking last week that one refreshing thing with this season is there is nobody we truly despise (like Dan). You know, the villain who has crossed the line from entertaining bad guy to despicable human being where I can’t even watch the show because I hate them so much. So I can appreciate that with this cast. The conversation between Bret and Zeke after the tribal where Chris left was pretty great. Two dudes having a grown up discussion. It was nice.
I may be too late in my comments for Mr. Fish to see them. We are all thankful for you Fish. Love your recaps as always. I know you work hard to put them together each week. Hope your son is doing ok. At least he has a cool story about breaking his leg. 🙂 I kept giggling when Hanna would say “trust cluster” since I kept thinking “cluster F”. She is such a dork. “Oh Jeff, you just said the phrase I said, trust cluster. tee hee. ” BARF! She has weird teeth too. Shows a lot of gum (maybe call her “gums”?) Yeah, she is hot for Ken. She has a better chance with Bret (whatever that’s supposed to mean!) I like the first post suggesting Bret might be lying about being gay. That would top even Johnny Fairplay’s lie. Poor Jessica. That was the worst. I just don’t get why her eyes were bugged out so much. It looked painful. I actually liked Chris too so I hated to see both of them go. To have all the annoying millennials still there is even worse. I am rooting for Ken. Jay is Joe Part Deux. He even had a man bun this week. They should do an all starts with a tribe of tan, Jungle book type guys and put Joe, Ozzy, Malcom and Jay on it. It could be called Manbundo.
I meant “all stars” above. Quick edit
HA kinbville that’s a great idea . I am not a fan of Bret but what a move it would be to pretend to be gay to further an alliance ! Old Johnny Fairplay and grandma . What a classic move that was . I think after punching Bret in the face Zeke would even laugh it off . Zeke seems like a likeable guy . I think he kind of blew up his original game plan to kind of play it low key . He made a power move and left himself no choice but to go pedal to the metal from here on out !
First time commenting!
Hannah has melasma. She’s not dirty. It’s when the sun leaves a splotch. Pregnant women get it a lot. You can’t scrub it off. Sometimes it lightens or you can get it bleached or lasers. Just FYI. And David has a scab it’s not just dried blood. But it bothered me too. And yes, Hannah is becoming so skinny that her pubic bone is jutting out. Women typically have a layer of fat on their lower stomachs to protect a pregnancy. More fun facts. So annoying if mr. sorry.
Great recap. Long show. Sad to see Jessica go. Her eyes were wonky but her body was nice to watch (straight woman here! You are stating fact, I didn’t take offensive but I’m used to it which is not good either. She takes care of herself and has played a good game. That was a painful elimination. I wish we were privy to more because I don’t get it sometimes! The Day of TC and then the ceremony is such choppy editing and I’m so heavily invested. Editing is awesome, which is why the audience gets blindsided too, but choppy with cutting up conversations and adding in facial expressions (similar to Bachelor).
Ok question: why don’t they do eating challenges anymore? Or at least not as often? Thanks in advance for any insight!
You see, folks, this is why Al Gore created the internet. So smart people can talk about sophisticated topics. I had no idea I’d be learning about female anatomy and skin conditions today, but goshdarnit, that’s exactly why I started writing these columns… But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Jen: Yes! I love Bret. I’d love to knock back a few and just pick his brain about gay stuff. Seriously. And I’m so down with you about “no villains.” It’s such a cheap device that shows use thinking “America loves villains, let’s give them one.” To be honest, we have enough villains in our regular lives. We don’t need to see them on TV. It’s one of those casting beliefs that I think was wrong a long time ago. When Russell became Public Enemy #1 it wasn’t because he was a villain, it was because he was successful. Yeah, he was a dick, but he found idols, he made alliances, and he manipulated the f**k out of people. For that, he was a great player, he just chose to wear the mantle of villain a little too much.
Kinb: It’s never too late for you! 😉 Thanks for writing in and thanks for your kind words. You complete me… And yeah, I think you’re on to something with Hannah and gums. Maybe I’ll call her Mrs. Ed, or Hubba Bubba, or Pollydent… And I think anyone who lied about being gay would be looked down upon so much. TBH, I always thought that would be a great gameplay, but to do it right, you’d have to go in all flamboyant and over the top Nathan Lane. And then do a big reveal at Final Tribal. “I was acting…I am Master Thespian!” and then maybe people would appreciate the ruse. But having hidden it all game til now, I don’t think he’s putting anything on. Good theory though. Yeah, I’m still lamenting Jessica’s departure. I’m still trying to hook up an interview with her. I’ll ask about her eyes if I can. Chris…meh. Did you hear he ate dog shit in his casting video to get on the show? Gross! And yeah, I’ve been longing for an “All-Surfer” season for a long time. Bring back all the “bros.” Love those guys… Just a big dumb season, and then everyone takes the short bus back to camp…
Rick: You know, I keep saying it. Zeke is playing a masterful game, and knows how to keep his emotions out of things. Did you see how stone cold he was at the last Tribal when people were freaking? That’s his debate background, right there. I think he’s going to do very well this season, just watch…
Avital: Hello, foxy lady… Nice pic… 😉 And thank you for writing in. I really appreciate it. And thanks for dropping some cold hard facts on me. I am glad you cleared those things up. I’ll refrain from lambasting poor Hannah from now on…until she does the next annoying thing. Deal? And please tell me, what does “So annoying if mr. sorry.” mean? I’ve asked people here and everyone’s like…”no idea, Fish.” Thank you for enjoying the read. TBH, I’m always kinda amazed at how they end up. I really start with nothing each week and then just vomit words onto the page. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes not. But I do try to amuse you guys as much as I can. Who wants a boring old recap? And yeah, it’s amazing what hunger can do to bodies. For some, it makes them gross, but with Jessica, she got hotter and hotter. And when I see her pics on Twitter now, you can tell that she’s very sexy in real life. I wonder what Figgy would’ve looked like if she had stayed on another 10 days… And you’re right about editing like the Bachelor. I’ve been saying for a few seasons now there’s gotta be some crossover between shows regarding staff. Whether it’s producers, editors, camera guys, whatever…some of the tricks they learned on other shows are peaking through on Survivor. And I don’t like that! Survivor was always different than other shows, that’s why these casting decisions, story arcs, and despicable behavior are things I don’t need/want to see. Just give us a competition and make it less about drama. I know these folks think they know what we want, but I really think they’re overthinking some things… Not sure about the eating challenges. Personally, I don’t like them because they were such a Fear Factor ripoff. And they’re gross. If I get that interview with Jessica, I’ll ask her. Stay tuned.
Thanks again for all your comments. I’m loving this week’s participation! Let’s see what tonight brings! Loved Ones? Reward stolen? Adam’s murder…? Oh crap, I gotta stop by the liquor store after work… Cheers! Fish
Ha! That wa supposed to say “so annoying of me, sorry!” That’s what I get for typing on my phone when I should be sleeping.
Does anyone know if Adam was able to see his mother before she passed away. Such a tragic story. He seems like a great guy. I just hope he got to say goodbye.