On tonight’s episode of “Gypsys, Tramps, and Thieves” we get to find out what the repercussions are for canoodling on a reality show. Glad you dialed in!
Typically I don’t watch the Ponderosa videos before I write my recaps, because I prefer a fresh, unfettered take on each week’s episode. **Spoiler Alert** This week, however, I really wanted to see what Taylor would do with/to Michelle when he got there, because we all know he’s had blue balls for a while now. And despite her virginal appeal, I think Taylor’s just the kind of bad boy to turn her around. And we all know he likes forbidden fruit…
Most of you already know of my prurient tendencies, so I’m not going to hide it, but since the chances of Spicoli hooking up with Stacy Hamilton were “bookoo” low, I’m not holding my breath.
But I approach each Ponderosa video the same way. There’s the usual…
“I’m so bummed”
“How much weight did I lose?”
“How will I be received at Ponderosa?”
“Let’s eat/have a beer!”
“OMG, is that what I look like in the mirror?”
“Excuse me, I need to brush my teeth and wash my ass…”
And then they try to get the voted out player to offer up some insight into their game. Sure, we get to see a bit of drama when castaways are forced to interact with someone who voted them out – and, to be frank, the pettiness of some former Ponderosers (Scot, Jason, and Julia toward Cydney) has revealed just how immature reality “stars” can be – but there’s only so much we can learn about someone being treated like a king/queen at a resort in a third world country when most of them haven’t seen what real poverty really is.
“Oh, my god, I can’t believe people live this way…”
No wonder most Americans are viewed as poorly as we are overseas, except when our fat wallets can be busted into like a piñata. I don’t know about you, but I’ve always wondered how much the show affects an area – both positively and negatively – and I hope our “favorite little reality show” is being totally responsible with their local footprint…
But forget that for now, I wanna talk about Taylor’s Ponderosa video. OMG, he was, like, so cute the way he laughed at everything he said, and the way Michelle cut his hair without a license, and the way he inhales after he laughs…
But then the video takes a turn and he starts talking about his future with Figgy, and his hope they can buy a sailboat and travel the world, and if she likes him as much as he likes her. It’s very soap opera, and some may say cute, or touching, or emotional. I know what I’d like to be touching when we see a cleaned-up Michelle, but I digress.
And my wife is asking what I’m writing about so I just tell her “Star Wars.”
“Stay on target…”
“We’re too close…”
“Stay on target…”
“Loosen up…” (I keep thinking)
Seriously, Taylor’s video could be the opening montage to his Bachelor intro video…or maybe Bachelor in Paradise? It almost looks like he really liked Figgy. But what I keep thinking is, why are they playing up this whole FigTails love story when we already know about his girlfriend back home, which – according to Michelle in a recent exit interview – everyone was aware of when the show began taping.
So that means either Taylor’s a ho, Figgy’s a ho, or they’re both hos and Taylor just left out the “baby mama” part. But either way, he’s coming across as a bit of a jackass right now talking about traveling the world with Figgy when he’s got a bun in the oven with a woman he considered his girlfriend.
But…if you do the math, it may be possible that he left for Fiji not knowing his gf was preggo, so then he’s off the hook, right? Don’t know what to say about that, but I just keep asking myself why the Ponderosa video is making him out to be this incredibly wonderful manchild who just had the greatest experience in his life, and – goshdarnit! – may not end up getting the girl of his dreams.
Oh well, Spicoli, back to reality… Hope he names his kid Jeff…
And considering how long ago this video may have been edited (he was voted out on April 28th 2016, over 6 ½ months ago) they had every opportunity to create a different story arc; but even now they’re playing up the whole FigTails romance – that is, until he gets a letter from her saying she’s not down with traveling the world with Taylor on a sailboat, or a snowboard, or in a “fried-out Kombi…”
But forget the Blue Lagoon for now, let’s crack open this week’s coconut and see what other non-stories are being handed to us…
Previously on, Survivor!
-whereas it used to be Gen-X vs. Gen-X with Jessica is in the crosshairs
-it’s now “Gen-X & Geeks” vs. the Beautiful Millennials
-Taylor and Adam are hoarding secrets like Taylor hoards Mason jars…
-meaning Adam is now in the crosshairs
-and we get to see Michelle stare at Probst like she’s looking at Christ
After trudging back to camp (Night 23), the Vinakans drop their torches and get to hear Jay bitch about his lot in life. This whole – vote out Jay’s closest ally – plan does not factor into his Winning Survivor Masterplan, and Herr Jay is a bitter pill right now.
He wallows in his own misery and confesses how dumb Zeke, Hannah, and Adam are for flipping to the dark side, which means it’ll eventually be their three vs. six Gen-X.
“Freakin’ idiots…” laments Jay, while Adam tries to give Bret a kiss for saving his butt (Bret’s having none of it).
Chris offers his opinion of the Millennials who’ve joined his majority alliance, mostly Adam, who he thinks can’t be trusted. The Screamer is hugging everyone like a dog trying to hump everyone’s leg, and they keep pushing him off.
Taylor and Jay continue to gripe about their position in the tribe, wondering how they can work themselves back into a power position, but Taylor is more worried about Adam exposing his “two things of food,” nearby.
Uh, I thought you were “really good with Mason jars,” bro, so why can’t you recall what they’re called now? Don’t be brotarded…
But to confirm they’re still – I can’t really say “on the same page,” more like, “in the same book” – Taylor and Adam have a confab away from the others where they promise to not divulge each other’s secret. This just strikes me as one of those “Survivor promises” that doesn’t amount to a hill of beans, but this is their hill, and these are their beans. It’s just wasted conversation between two players who are on different sides of the fence. Hell, sometimes I wish Michaela was here instead of Adam because she’d at least tell Taylor to go f**k himself when he starts throwing his b.s. promises…
Maybe not…
And somehow, Taylor thinks the secret of knowing about Adam’s Reward Advantage is more powerful than the secret of knowing Taylor stole two “things” of food from the entire tribe. He’s sounding very dumb right now. But man, with those baby blues…it doesn’t sound dumb, does it ladies…?
Later, he takes a trip to the Tay-lor-Mart because I assume Spicoli’s got the munchies…
“This is my best idea EVER,” he claims, and I wonder if that statement will come back to haunt him. And I wonder how sad it is if THIS really is his best idea ever. He brags that he stole half the food they got, and “no one even noticed.” Uh, you might wanna check with everyone else on that, genius.
And to prove his intelligence even more, he eats an apricot, thinks it’s a date while holding it, and then makes a telling statement…
“That’s a peach.”
On Day 24, Larry Fine and Jay head off for a little private chat where she complains she thought she was being dragged along as a goat, and that’s not how she wants to play. And that’s why Hannah decided to act independently last night. Not sure if that’s what she thought beforehand, or if that just occurred to her today…for this chat…with him…but it sounds good coming out of her dirty mouth.
Seriously, take a dip in the ocean and wash your face, girl! Damn, she reminds me of myself when I was in 6th grade on a weeklong retreat in the mountains, but damn, I was 11! Is she playing some kind of sympathy card this season? Is she trying to make the others feel sorry for her? Not sure, but when I see that she lives in West Hollywood – not far from where I live – I honestly think if I ever run into her I’d say, “I didn’t recognize you without s**t all over your face.”
Jay plays perfectly into her mindset of “I’m a player too, yay!” by blowing so much sunshine up her ass I’m surprised light isn’t shining out of her nose… She confesses she’s so happy that she’s finally playing, but I truly don’t see any other outcome for her than being a goat…
Hannah how did you end up with such a horrible team ? I hope your parents are super rich because I don’t see you doing very well in the real world ! I wonder if Chris or Brett get voted out if Taylor gets an ass whooping at the Ponderosa ! You don’t steal food from grown men that big ! Taylor is a clueless fool . He had the nerve comparing a reward advantage to stealing food from hungry people that have no means to get more of it . I was hoping to see another surprise tonight but cant be mad that Taylor is gone . Watching Adam and Jay implode is quote entertaining . The millennials are making me consider moving to Canada . Man I cant see living in a country run by these morons ! Happy Thanksgiving Fish . Hey folks drop a line if you read the column . Show the Fish some love . Its the least you can do !
Rick – appreciate the love, as always. I’m still struggling to figure out how they cast Hannah, as well as a lot of other players in recent seasons, because they really don’t seem that good at playing, or that interesting, or that…capable…of dealing with the realities of being on TV. Hannah? Seriously? Lucy? Seriously? Will? Dan Foley? Michaela? Leif? The list goes on and on…
It’ll be interesting to see how the rest of the season plays out. As a fan, I like to see good players winning, but I also like to see interesting Final Tribals go down. I think the last 2 seasons have been disappointing FT, let’s hope that changes.
I think every negative aspect of Millennial-dom is coming to fruition this season. Even when Jay called Taylor a “regular dumb surfer.” Not only did Taylor not stand up to him, or defend himself properly, but Jay could have said, “I was talking about myself and not you.” But Millennials are so milquetoast when it comes to drama. No one wants to offend anyone.
As much as I hate on Trump, there’s one thing I don’t mind hearing from him. We are getting too PC, sometimes you gotta call a spade a spade (that’s a literary reference, btw, not a racial, in case some people out there are too stupid to know where it came from) and not have to tiptoe through everyone else’s emotional scars. Time to put on your big girl panties, America, cuz things may get ugly here soon.
Happy Thanksgiving, Rick. I truly hope you eat and drink too much… And I appreciate your appeal for more comments. I’m scratching my head sometimes… Later!