Chrissy, Mike and Devon find their feast and Mike immediately suggests they overturn every dish on the table and search for a clue to another Hidden Idol, but they find nothing. As they start gorging themselves, they confirm Ben is the only vote they’re considering, meaning a Final Four with Ryan.
They concoct a plan to hide Chrissy’s dead Secret Advantage with the clue Ryan found, and then tell Ben they found the Idol, so he stops looking. It’s a good plan, in theory, if Ben hadn’t already found the Idol. Let’s see what happens back at camp.
When everyone’s together, Chrissy makes a big show of the Idol she supposedly found, along with the clue, and it’s clear Ben is not buying her bulls**t. He’s pretending to be impressed with her fortune, but it’s kinda obvious he knows she’s trying to play him. He says he’s “gonna go get water and start looking for an idol,” but Chrissy reveals her fake Immunity Idol, trying to con Ben into thinking there are no Hidden Immunity Idols to find.
She drops the hint she’ll be playing this Idol for someone else tonight – not Ben – so they don’t care if he’s going to get water alone (and damn, Chrissy’s boob job is looking pretty good right now). After Ben leaves, Ryan confirms “that went well,” and it’s clear to the Vegans Ben does not have an Immunity Idol. God damn, I seriously can’t wait for Tribal…
Meanwhile, Ben is laughing his ass off because he knows he’s not going home. But after the next Immunity Challenge, he knows he has a decision to make. Ryan is safe, because he couldn’t win a Survivor: Special Olympics challenge, so it’s either Mike or Devon on the chopping block.
Meanwhile, Devon is beginning to sense Ben is hiding something, and when he asks for Ryan’s opinion, Mr. Turtleneck tells him Ben is going home…definitely. But Devon senses something may be up, and says he may write down Mike’s name – which surprises Ryan – but at this point, should anything be surprising to anyone? Devon confesses anything can happen, and based on what transpires at Tribal, that will dictate how he votes.
The final five players head to Tribal, and we’ll see if Devon or Mike is going home.
We cut back to Jeff at CBS and he asks two superdorks what they’d do, but they’re talking about something that happened months ago so who gives a s**t what they think? Let’s cut to the chase and fast forward through the commercials…
Players file into Tribal, Jeff asks the questions, a few things are clear:
-Ashley is still pissed at Devon
-Ben is the common enemy
-He’s playing mind games on the rest of the tribe
-it’s working
-Ben is consistently left alone to find Idols (because everyone’s “tired”)
-Mike thinks he’s pulling his weight on babysitter detail
Meanwhile, Chrissy has pulled out her fake Idol in an attempt to scare Ben out of the game. She places it around her neck, much to the surprise of the Jury. Jeff calls attention to this ploy…
“You have an Immunity Necklace, and you just pulled out that Idol, so what’s up?
“I have an Immunity Necklace, and I’m gonna play this other one for someone else.”
Jeff asks Ben how this makes him feel, and Ben does a great job (he’s a Master Thespian this season) of saying Chrissy is making him feel defeated. And after Jeff asks Devon if Chrissy was graceful or gloating in her actions, Ben must correct Devon and say she was definitely gloating.
“I had a good day,” she confirms.
Jeff asks Ben again how he’s feeling, considering everyone thinks he’s going home soon, and he’s playing that it sucks he couldn’t win it for his family. This seems to hit everyone in the feels, but when Jeff asks Ryan what he thinks about Ben, his answer is,
“F**k Ben. He blew up my game. I hope he eats a bowl of dicks…”
But, he can also respect the game is about blindsides and eliminating your enemies, so he admits he’ll help Ben with that bowl…
Ok, it’s time to vote. Let’s get ‘er done! Everyone votes, and it appears Devon is having some trouble deciding what to do. He finally writes a name down…because he has to. Jeff collects the urn and asks for Hidden Immunity Idols.
Immediately, Chrissy takes out her fake boobs – I mean, Idol – and asks,
“Does anybody want this?”
I seriously think Mike is horny af because he starts humping her leg. I swear, those urologists always have sex on their mind! By the time she peels him off, she throws the dog a bone and hands him her fake idol, hoping it’ll keep his mind off her leg for a while.
But then we got some drama. Time for a Ben Bomb…
Once again, he makes a big show of his Idol play, and even gives us the “bomb dropping” whistle to aggravate everyone, including the Jury. He reaches into his boot and again pulls his Idol out, much to the chagrin/delight of everyone present. This dude is on fire! I love the Ben!
“What’s the saying, ‘the early bird gets the worm?’”
Ben strides over to Jeff and drops his latest Big Move. “And since we’re pulling fake idols out, I might as well get mine out too,” he directs this at Chrissy, who is clearly pissed. I don’t think actuaries like being surprised, especially when it’s HER JOB to predict certain things. Next time, Chrissy, you may want to post a 24-hour guard around the ONE GUY who could take apart your game when you’re up 4 to 1… So dumb, those Vegans. Maybe if they ate some dicks…?
Jeff reads the votes:
Ben
Ben
Ben
Mike
Devon
What?! We have a tie…
“Did you write down my name?” Dr. Mike asks Devon.
“I did. Sorry, Mike.”
I guess that’s what took him so long. But…that’s part of the game. If he didn’t, Devon would have been gone, so who cares if he wrote down Mike’s name. JFC, does anyone remember THIS IS HOW THE GAME WORKS?
And how this tie is gonna work is that Ben, Chrissy and Ryan are going to vote and can only vote for Mike or Devon. Let’s see if these three can recognize an opportunity to take out the only other strong guy, or if they’ll vote out Mike. The guy who can’t win the game… Let’s see what happens when Jeff reads the votes.
“Hold on, Jeff,” Ben says. And he proceeds to pull another idol out of his other boot.
“WTF, Ben, you’re not even being voted on,” Jeff scolds…
“I just wanna see Chrissy get a little pissier. I love angry chicks…”
Okay, maybe I just made that up, but it’d be awesome if that happened, right? Sorry, it’s the Belvedere…
Jeff reads the votes:
Devon
Mike
Mike
Boom goes the guy who brought the bowl of dicks… (Okay, I’ll stop!).
He exits gracefully, with love and appreciation from the others, with a smile on his face. He knows he gave it his best shot, and did he really think he was gonna win? Probably not… Jeff snuffs his torch and Dr. Mike heads off down the path. Walking erect…
Before Jeff sends the Final Four back to camp, he drops a bomb of his own on them.
“Tomorrow you’ll compete in your final Immunity Challenge, and there’s a twist.”
Damn, Jeff, you can’t just drop that on them. These fools are already losing their minds. You want to push them over the edge? He obviously does as he starts giggling devilishly and sneaks away from Tribal. The Final Four look at each other like, “you don’t see that every day.” They head back to camp…
Okay, I just replayed Mike’s Final Words about a dozen times and I have no idea what the hell he said. I think it’s something like,
“If I don’t get a little love standing, I think they felt like they needed Devon more than they needed me.”
Seriously, play that line back on your DVRs and tell me what the first part of that sentence is. I don’t speak Bonerese, or maybe he’s got something in his mouth that’s exacerbating that annoying accent. I really don’t care for it. Moving on…
Except for that part where Dr. Goat says he would have won if he made it to Final 3. Puh-lease…
Cut to CBS where Jeff is entertaining the crowd. He tells us that Devon is still alive because he followed his gut, and then brings Mike out on stage. And damn, Mike is the only person I’ve ever seen on Survivor who weighs less than they did on the show. Seriously, I think his wife liked all that weight he lost on the show and made him join a gym. Looking good, Dick Whisperer…
When Jeff starts asking him questions, it seems Mike is a little tipsy. Good on ya, kid! Drink those piña coladas backstage with the ladies! He tells us he’s achieved happiness through his wife and kids, but what would really make him happy is winning Survivor.
“There is no next time on Survivor,” Jeff exclaims, and I think we know we’ll never see Dr. Mike again… Goodbye, Dr. Sean McNamara…
The tribe returns to camp (Night 37, a busy day!) and a few things are mentioned:
-Devon tells us he “went with his gut” when he wrote Mike’s name down
-He claims to have recognized Ben was playing them (Sure you did, Dev…)
-Ben has no more idols
-Ben must win Immunity or he’s going home
-No one needs to follow Ben into the dark scary jungle
-What’s the twist?
-No matter what it is, if Ben doesn’t win Immunity he’s going home
We’ve reached Day 38 and our Final Immunity Challenge. As camera flies around the beach, we see it’s some kind of balancing device with perches on it. Looks new. I like that… Jeff calls everyone in and takes back the necklace from Chrissy.
“I hope to see you again soon,” she says. And I can’t tell if she’s talking to the necklace or Probst, after that night she spent on his yacht off-shore. We didn’t get to see that “challenge” but trust me, she did not “come” in second…
He changes the subject and describes this challenge which will require players to stack blocks spelling “Heroes,” “Healers,” and “Hustlers” on the little perches atop a wobbly structure. First to correctly spell all 3 words and retreat to their mat is guaranteed Final Tribal. And…the winner will also receive a final Secret Advantage, which I hope is more teeth whitening strips for Chrissy. I think she’s running low…
Jeff gets the challenge under way, and obviously I’m summarizing…
-the structure needs to be unlocked with your foot, which makes it…wobblier?
-Chrissy is the first to experience a drop
-Ryan has a lead
-Devon drops!
-Ben and Ryan are in the lead
-Chrissy and Devon drop again
-Ryan finally drops some
-Ben is destroying this challenge!
-But that isn’t a “U” Ben, it’s…Pi?
-He isn’t aware of this minor mistake and heads back to his mat.
“Jeffrey!?”
“No, that’s not right!” Probst screams.
Ben then pulls out a handgun and says, “What did you say to this Marine?”
Never mind. I’m hallucinating. Ben runs to the front of his structure to see what’s wrong. Now, he has to unlock and…disaster! Nearly all his blocks fall. Damn you, Pi!
-Devon has invented a new letter. A backwards E…
-Ryan is now in the lead.
-Now he’s not.
-Chrissy loses every block on her structure
-Ben is back in the lead.
-Now he’s not…
This is a tough friggin’ challenge, Kirhoffer. Back off the accelerator a little, Kimo Sabe…
-Where is the graphic saying, “Elapsed time: 14 hours”?
-It’s clear no one has figured out how to work this thing as it’s becoming comical.
-Devon gets a little revenge on the CBS censors by spelling the words “Heres” “Her” “Tush” on his three tiers… (Ok, maybe it was just “Tush”)
-Chrissy is now in the lead.
-Ben is…“right on her tail” (thank you, Jeff)
-Ben has all the blocks to complete his last word, while…
-Chrissy must lock her structure and grab her final blocks
-This is it!
-Ben places the last letter. Can he lock it off safely?
-Nooooooooooooooooooo! He loses half his blocks.
-Ben and his tramp stamp run back to his mat to restart…
-Chrissy places her last block…and locks in…and runs back to her mat!
-Her 4th Individual Immunity victory! She’s tied the record for a female.
Quickly, CBS Legal flies in via helicopter and scolds Jeff for pointing out anything gender based, and the next 45 minutes is dedicated to Gender Sensitivity Training for Jeff, Kirhoffer, and the camera department. Meanwhile, the players are all sitting on the beach, waiting to see when they can continue their quest for a million dollars…
When we get back to the game, Chrissy is still smiling, and Ben is still bummed he couldn’t bring it home for his family. This is raw emotion, and I’m feeling a little uncomfortable that PTSD may be making this worse for Ben…or anyone within a few feet of him.
Jeff eventually invites Chrissy over to have the necklace strapped on (that’s not a first, I bet) and Jeff then hands her the Secret Advantage scroll. She almost forgot about that, it seems. And despite everything I’ve said about Chrissy, and how dirty, hairy, old and wrinkled she looks…I’d still do her.
She confesses she’s 3-for-3 today…
1. She’s in the Final Three
2. She set the record for Immunity Wins by a Woman (oops, by a Human Without an Appendage)
3. Ben is going home
Back to CBS and Jeff shows us some crowd reactions and interviews a couple more fans. I’m still not caring about anyone’s opinions on the show, because I’m not there, and no, I’m not bitter.
As Jeff teases the Twist again, the camera pans the audience. And I just made a realization. There’s only white people in this crowd. I wonder if that has anything to do with the casting of the show…? Hmmm…. I wonder…
Good luck on your future endeavors. I was kinda right. This season had some good players . Sadly it just had some awful ones too. The fact Ryan or Mike believe they deserved to win is dumbfounding. Devon, Chrissy and of course Ben played very well though. My 3 cents. No one has an issue with you having a political opinion. The issue is when you speak down to others who dis agree, having an opinion is great . Attacking those who have a different opinion not so great.
Horrible writing by a middle-aged, misogynistic,bitter, Fat,
turd. His quiet racism did not go unnoticed. Bravo for finally realizing this crap bf the fish churned out was NOT writing, more like ranting and complaining. Good Riddance. Take this man to the nearest AA meeting
Must be a sad life you live. Simonsays how about those internet tough guys. Sorry Simon that your life is so pathetic that puffing up online is how you make yourself believe you are a man. Never have to leave moms basement and your favorite blow up doll. Just mouth of online like your opinion matters.
Ricky-baby! Thanks for all your comments over the years. You were far and away, my best commenter. And I get what you’re saying about the My Two Cents essays. To be perfectly honest, I wasn’t trying to preach, I just hate what I see when I look around. And booze makes me type without remorse. Apologies if I offended you. And thanks for being good posse, too. You always had my back.
Simonspaz! I think someone needs a hug. Thanks for being so concerned, but I think I have a clearer path to happiness than you do. Maybe you didn’t get I wrote a parody column, but I’ll wait for you to look that up…
My “quiet racism” is non-existent, because it’s called sarcasm. I believe everyone’s at the same table, which means everyone’s fair game for ridicule. If it’s black, Asian, Jewish, Latin or white, we’re all equal, meaning we’re all candidates for jokes. Some people don’t get it. Like you, obviously. And I’ll only go to AA if you’re my sponsor. If I’m gonna fix myself I can only do it with your help. You obviously know what’s best… Happy New Year, kid…
Fish, great final recap! I am going to miss you and your recaps. I do hope you find a way to stay connected to the show (I like your idea of less involved Survivor articles).
This season totally set Ben up to win. I’m okay with that. At least he had a good story AND decent game play. Chrissy even managed to sway me a little bit in final tribal. I’m upset at the reunion show. What’s the point of paying everyone to come sit on the stage if we don’t talk to anyone? That was disappointing. Also disappointing was the set up for next season. I about crapped my pants when Probst said the line about past mistakes. I was so hoping that former players would be back. How the hell are these new players going to reverse those mistakes. Sounds stupid to me.
Good luck with everything in the future. Thanks for being you. I truly have enjoyed reading your recaps since the beginning. Take care!
P.S. simonsays, Go f*ck yourself.
I m pretty hard to offend. Everyone has their own opinions. If they differ from mine so be it. Doesn’t hurt my feelings. Crossing my fingers for a good new season. I think I am following you on twitter though I never use it. Maybe I will for Ghost Island.