SURVIVOR: HEROES VS HEALERS VS HUSTLERS – 10/18/17

It’s Day 11 and we’re evidently at the Foo Fighters challenge. I don’t know why it’s called that, and I don’t care. As far as I’m concerned, Dave Grohl is from Nirvana, and since I went out on a date with Dave Kirhoffer’s sister years ago means nothing… And no, I will not divulge what we did…

Let’s see what this challenge is all about…

Tribes will maneuver a crate through a maze and then under a net. Then, they’ll need to unlock something and assemble a puzzle. First two tribes will win immunity sending the loser to Tribal.

The challenge gets under way and instantly, Devon gets his nuts smashed. Let’s see that again on slow-mo. Nice…

Levu gets through the ball smashing section first, and then Yawa, but Yawa takes the lead under the net. When Soko finally makes it through, they catch up a bit and unlock their keys rather quickly.

However, Yawa is still leading the challenge, and Levu has fallen into last place when Ashley has terrible luck with unlocking locks. What happened to a strong tribe dominating?! She finally gets it done, and all tribes are assembling their puzzles. There’s a huge learning curve to see how the pieces fit together, but Yawa someone figures it out and is the first to complete their puzzle, winning immunity.

Soko then places their final piece, confirming strength means nothing, when you need brains as well to win on Survivor. And as the winners collect their “boobie prizes” and head back to camp, we get a revealing confessional by Jessica that she can disrupt the Levu tribe by using her Secret Advantage to block someone’s vote. And that’ll probably be someone on the Hero tribe, because they pose the biggest threat to the original Healers. We’ll see what transpires as the players make their way back to camp…

Later, at Levu, it’s evident Devon is gonna be the swing vote, so everyone wants to talk with him. Ashley grabs him first, and that’s when he reveals Joe told him about the Heroes wanting him gone. Ashley denies that to the core, and Devon is left with the feeling that Joe is a used car salesman, making Joe now the principal target in his eyes.

Joe and Desi take a moment to consider what they’ve observed, and it’s that Devon and Ashley have an SPF connection, which means Joe or Desi might be on the chopping block. Joe knows he can play his idol tonight, but if the others are gonna target Desi, then he’s wasting his idol, so he’s got some “figuring out to do.”

At camp, Joe is completely dysfunctional and chooses to ask the tribe who everyone is voting for. This is the type of play that a dumb player makes – reminding me of Garrett in Cagayan – or a guy who is used to bullying weak people. However, this kind of confrontation is fine with Alan, being a professional athlete, and tells Tony Jr. he’s not writing down Ashley’s or Devon’s name.

That leaves Joe or Desi, so now the reality my beautiful NABW may go home because Joe shot his mouth off is very real. And since Joe assumed this approach would call attention to himself is finished because now the others think he may have an idol. Despite what Desi and Joe are discussing – that he may play his idol for her – that point is moot, because everything is wack, and all because Joe had to shoot his mouth off… We’ll see what the future holds for this douche…

And just before Levu is ready to head to Tribal, Devon finds the Secret Advantage in his bag – given to him by Jessica – which he thinks will give him a second vote, or negate someone’s vote. He’s not 100% sure because he has to keep it sealed ‘til they vote, but he’s convinced he’s the power player tonight. So, the sh*t’s about to hit the fan at Tribal, and I can’t wait to see how this unfolds.

Players enter and the Tribal virgins, Joe and Desi, light their torches. Players take their seats and Jeff starts the questioning. He asks Alan, “what’s up?”

-Alan says, “someone wanted to start Tribal early.”
-Joe says, “it’s me,” and he wants to vote out Ashley
-Ashley responds, “I’m tougher than ‘bitch Joe,” and he may get burned by his actions
-Desi admits she got thrown under the bus (by Joe)
-Alan says it’s between Joe and Desi
-Joe pretends Alan gave up intel he needed to move forward
-Devon agrees with Jeff that he’s the swing vote, and is trying to figure out who he can move forward with in the game.
-Joe tells us they need to get rid of Heroes
-Devon says he’s looking out for #1 (himself)

Jeff informs the players it’s time to vote, but Devon surprises everyone by saying “Hold on, dudes, I got a thing.” He proceeds to read the Secret Advantage in his best Spicoli voice, but his high is suddenly harshed as we find out it’s not an advantage FOR him, it’s actually a disadvantage AGAINST him, meaning that his vote won’t be counted tonight. That comes as a surprise to him, to us, and to everyone at Tribal Council, and probably at home…

Shouldn’t it have been called a Secret Disadvantage? Nevertheless, it’s time to vote…

So now that Devon can’t vote, I guess that means everyone’s gonna vote for him, right? Or do these players not know how to roll with the punches? Let’s see what unfolds after Jeff goes to tally the votes. He asks for Hidden Immunity Idols and after a dramatic pause, Joe rises,

“I got something for you, Jeff.”

He shoves his d**k back in his pants and whips out his Hidden Immunity Idol. He hands it over to Jeff (who immediately calls for some hand sanitizer) giving Joe some time to deliberate who to play it for. After a pregnant pause, he decides to play it for himself. Jeff reads the votes:

Joe
Joe
Alan
Alan

And no one is unhappy (except Alan) as Survivor’s bitchfaceyiest player grabs his torch and heads over to JP. Meanwhile, Joe lets us know he’s clairvoyant since he “read Ashley’s face,” but we don’t believe him. Alan the Grouch is going home, and none of us are unhappy.

And speaking of unhappy, I have a link that you’ll not be unhappy about. Check it…

https://maximsfinest.com/2017/rachel-ako

Holy shiznitz!

Next time on…Survivor!

-Players are gonna get dirty (or sandy)
-Roark wants a lesbian alliance
-J.P. is not down with that
-Devon and Ashley need to align

Alrighty then, aside from this being a “less boring” episode of Survivor, the Dodgers have clinched the National League pennant and are heading back to the World Series since 1988. As a longtime fan of the Boys in Blue, I could not be happier. Oh wait, yes, I could be happier. I just clicked back to the Rachel page… I’m happier now…

So, by this time next week, we’ll be knee deep in the World Series and it’ll either be another Dodgers-Yankees classic (and everyone in baseball loves that), or a Dodgers-Astros matchup for the ages. Personally, I’m trying to figure out which is worse, facing Aaron Judge every day or facing Justin Verlander every few days, but every time they cut to a shot of Kate Upton jumping up and down in her private box, I’m okay with it (and did “her private box” sound nasty to you, too?). You know what, who cares who they play? The Dodgers are gonna win regardless…

But that’s the booze talking…

Okay, I hope everyone has a good week and I have one last surprise for you. I’ve finally decided what I’m going to do with all that Survivor swag I received last year. (fanfare, please)

I’m going to give it to you!

That’s right. At some point this season, I’m going to give it all away. No cost. No fuss. No mess. Gimme a week to figure out how this is going to happen, but I think I’m just going to have you write in, or send me an email, or tweet with some hashtag, and that’ll enter you in the running. At some point later in the season, I’ll shoot a video where I announce the winners and then send the winners some swag. There are buffs, t-shirts, some stupid shit, and the grand prize is a wooden crate thing with the Survivor logo on it. Give me time to think this through, I’m drunk and I need to make sure I’m not gonna lose my ass in postage charges. But that’s it. Yay…