SURVIVOR: GAME CHANGES FINALE – 5/26/17

The sun rises on Day 39 (still gives me the chills) and Troyzan is up and at ‘em. He’s reminiscing about how he came to the Survivor world and is hoping this season is the one where players are rewarded for being honest and not how well you played the game. Good luck with that one, Cheech…

The F3 strolls over to where the final feast is located and their mouths start watering at the bacon, muffins, champagne and pancakes they’re about to dine on. I’m still waiting for the big “walk of shame” they used to do where players reminisce about all the other players they took out to get here.

“That guy couldn’t cook for s**t”
“That chick snored.”
“That guy was a douche.”
“That chick had great tits.”

Well, we know that’s not going to be uttered tonight as no one had great tits this season. Maybe that’s something casting needs to consider next time they bring players back. Tell you what, drop me an email and I’ll send you a list of the best tits on Survivor. It would be my pleasure. And yes, Christina Cha and Rachel Ako would both be there…

Back to the finale and Sarah confesses that even though she’s played the game like a criminal, she’s going into Final Tribal with the intent to tell the truth and be rewarded for it. Brad is feeling very confident, as evidenced by the fact he’s telling us all about his challenge victories, the fact he’s brought his “peeps” here, and that he had to fight from the bottom to get where he is now. He’s definitely earned the right the be Sole Survivor, but let’s see how all that macho bulls**t has poisoned the juries’ minds.

It’s Final Tribal time so grab a seat and everyone STFU. Let’s see what these half-wits have brought this season. Final Tribal Jury Questions are the last chance for a season to prove its mettle, so let’s see what we get. Please, god, please let Zeke bring some fire…

But first, Jeff needs to tell everyone about all the records set this season, including:

-Most idols played at Tribal
-Most people safe at Tribal
-First player voted out without a vote against them
-First time the “steal a vote” was played effectively
-Five Individual Immunity Challenges won (tying Ozzy and a few others)
-A new leader in days played (Ozzy)

And since the show wants to stay relevant, they’ve decided to implement a new “first” for Final Tribal. Rather than allowing each jury member to ask one question, we’re going to have a more open forum and have each aspect of the game – outwit, outplay, outlast – be a subject of discussion on how each player earned their place at FT.

First up is Outwit: the social part of the game. Zeke volunteers to get things started.

-He tells Sarah how badass it was for her to wear his jacket to Tribal each time, after he had been blindsided. He also states how amazing it was for her to succeed in voting out Sierra, and STILL wind up getting the Legacy Advantage. Zeke is clearly in Sarah’s corner, and will vote for her regardless.

-Andrea wants to know how Sarah could fool everyone, but still come out smelling like a rose. Sarah replies that her personal relationships were honest (eliciting laughs).

-Ozzy asks her why they should believe her now, and Sarah says she did “whatever it took” to sit here tonight. Ozzy adds that since Brad was able to reach this point by winning challenges, keeping his hands cleaner than Sarah, he will be Brad’s champion tonight.

-Cirie wants Brad to explain how he ran his own game, because the common belief is that Sierra was the brains of their early alliance. Brad claims that since Day 1, he was creating relationships with people, and forging an alliance with JT, which helped to make – in his opinion – the game-changing move off the season when they took out Malcolm.

-Michaela – clearly misunderstanding what Final Tribal is all about – wants to know what Brad knows about her. Seriously? Must we? He offers up some basic facts about Cookie Puss, but in all honesty, does every FT player need to know everyone else in the game? I say no, and I’m about to start hating on Michaela again.

-Andrea saves things when she asks Sarah how she manipulated so many players’ feelings without compromising her integrity. But Tai has to interject and say that he felt very close to Sarah, and wants to know how she did it. Sarah says she played honestly the first time, and “look what it got me.” So, she got clearance from her loved ones at home to play helter-skelter this season and do whatever was needed to win. She did that, and she has no regrets.

-Aubry wants to know specifically what she did. Sarah gives the explanation that as an undercover cop, she needs to play many roles to do her job. That’s all she’s doing now, and if you guys don’t like it, you can suck her d**k…

-Debbie raises her hand, but it’s not for what we think. Debbie says she has no respect for Sarah and is firmly behind Ozzy…and Brad. And let’s all take a moment to wash that vision out of our minds.

-Michaela chimes in and says some more confusing s**t, and finally includes Troyzan in the festivities. She asks what he did. That’s all. He goes on a roundabout explanation of how he spoke to everyone and was ready to work with anyone, but what he’s revealing is that he was a passenger to Brad’s driver. And no one seems to be impressed by that…

-Andrea asks Brad about his social game and how he can justify the lack of relationships he made, or the bullying tactics he used (against Tai) later in the game. Brad’s reply is that he had earned a certain amount of power, and he tried to use that to manipulate Tai, but that approach was viewed more like condescension, which doesn’t sit too well with the jury.

-Debbie says Brad is high on Testosterone, and she’s cool with that.

-Zeke states that Sarah was driving the bus the whole time.

-Hali is proving that she’s pretty, and dumb, and an attorney, so maybe she’s leaning towards Brad now?

Outplay is up next. Who’s up first?

-Ozzy says Brad outplayed everyone. And deserves to win.

-Debbie agrees with Ozzy (duh)

-Sarah chimes in that since Brad is a pro athlete, of course he was a force. But she had something up her sleeve, and that was her ability to adapt, and spot the Secret Advantage that was located beneath Michaela’s booty, AND used it to take her out. Michaela admits that was badass and we know who she’s voting for.

Outlast is our final topic. Let’s bring it… And let me just say that I’m not a big fan of this new format. I kinda like the jury having one opportunity to make or break their destiny. But now, it’s not up to the jury to ask questions, it’s up to the F3 to sway anyone who’s on the fence. Brad is up first.

-He says he doesn’t believe you must lie and deceive to win the game. He built relationships, he fought from the bottom when things were turned upside-down, he won challenges when he needed to, and he helped out in camp because that’s who he is. I think that’s a pretty good resume, but let’s see how the jury screws it up this season…

-Sarah tells the jury the only reason she’s in the F3 and they’re on the jury is because she thought all of them were a threat. And with the training she’s had as a cop, she recognized how to survive and come out on top. And despite what everyone thinks, she was on the right side of every vote that eliminated a jury member – actually, she didn’t vote out Hali – but it almost proves she’s worthy of being Sole Survivor.

-Gervase knows he doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell so he just wants everyone to know he’s cool with them, and he’s super stoked they’re all here to be a part of his ultimate dream. Thankfully, these are the only tears we’re going to see at Final Tribal this season – and after Adam’s friggin’ meltdown last season I’m done with emotional FT – but Troyzan is a good loser. And I bet he knows how to roll a great joint…

Alright, it’s time to vote.

But before we do, let’s break down the definites:

Ozzy – Brad
Debbie – Brad
Zeke – Sarah
Sierra – Brad
Andrea – Sarah
Michaela – Sarah
Cirie – Sarah
Aubry – Sarah
Tai – Sarah

So, it appears that Officer A-cups is going to win. Let’s see how it turns out…

Jeff grabs the urn and thanks the players for a great season. I won’t say it was “great” based on the topsy-turvy way it went down, but we were rewarded with some awesome final episodes, so that’s enough to salvage it as a good season. He departs…

…and then enters the CBS Radford studio – how’d they do that? – and meanders through the crowd, high-fiving some of the CBS employees who were lucky enough to score a ticket. I’m not bitter, but when I overhear Jeff saying that Cockring is there, my blood starts to boil again. Let’s just get to the votes…

Jeff takes his spot and tells everyone that when they came up with the Game Changers theme, they had one hope: that big moves were made. And boy, did they come. They may not exactly be “game changing,” but they were big moves. The other big moves I see are the ones made on Troyzan and Sarah’s scales, who look like they’ve spent the off-season eating chocolate ice cream and smoking doobies. Brad looks like Michael Douglas’s character in Falling Down, and with his resting bi*ch face, he looks like he’s still in the same troubled mental state he was in back in Fiji. Does the guy ever recover? And for the last time I’m wondering how Brad would’ve fared had he brought Tai to the final instead of Sarah? Let’s find out. Jeff reads the votes:

Sara
Brad
Sarah
Brad
Brad (even when he takes the lead he still looks bitter, WTF?)
Sarah
Sarah
Sarah
Sarah!

And what do you know? Officer B-cups (yeah, baby, chocolate ice cream does a body good!) and her power thighs are a million bucks richer. Let’s see what other trouble we can get into on the reunion show, and it’s always fun to see how many players are not included at all. Are they going to bring Vytas back finally…?