Jeff describes the challenge (you’ve all seen it so I don’t need to rehash) and reveals the reward – a visit from Iron Chef Fiji who’ll cook a feast for the winning tribe. Runner-up will get a few kabobs, and the loser gets Probst’s Black Power salute… (Seriously, is he sending us a message?)
Sit-outs are chosen (Moobs and Sundae) and we’re off to the races…
“You got to work together to release those balls,” Probst says, and I’m instantly reminded of a dirty massage parlor near LAX…
In the challenge, Jay is killing it for Ikabula, employing a “cheerleader pyramid” method he learned by “meeting” girls at FAU. Meanwhile, Zeke is helpless, so David takes over – did I just type that? – and Adam is doing satisfactorily for Takali.
“Now you got to untie your knots to release your balls,” and once again my mind wanders, this time to my trips to Thailand…
With the big lead that Ikabula built, there’s no way they can lose, right? Jay is handling the second phase of the challenge, which is to throw their balls into a chute. He’s in a tight race with Ken, who deftly sinks the first ball he shoots. Meanwhile, Vanua has finally finished phase one, and Chris steps up to sink his first shot. So much for that lead Ikabula built…
Zeke and Michelle work well together to maneuver the ball through the netting, however the same can’t be said for Will and Hannah who take MUCH longer to get their ball through, delaying Jay from taking another shot. Chris and Ken, on the other hand, both sink their second shots, extending their lead over Ikabula.
Chris sinks his 3rd shot and with the “Micheke magic” working once again, Vanua is killing this challenge after faltering in phase one. Chris and David race forward and then Chris handles phase three, which is trying to shoot/balance their balls on two boards.
In the meantime, Will and Hannah are giving all Millennials a bad name by using the worst methods possible to get a ball through some netting. Seriously? Punching the ball? I got to imagine these kids must’ve blown SOMEBODY in casting to get on the show…
Needless to say, Chris completes the comeback for Vanua meaning it’s a race for second between Michaela and Ken. It’s a nice back and forth between the two, but Michaela somehow uses her Vacation Club Sales skills to get her final ball to rest on the boards and Ikabula is eatin’ kabobs! And after the victors collect their spoils and head back to camp, Michaela confesses that while she’s happy she’s eating, she’s not too happy she’s the one clinching these challenges for her tribe, lest she appears a threat. Let’s see if she’s smarter than she looks…
Upon returning to camp (Day 19), Vanua greets Iron Chef: Mamanuca and are treated to their island feast. Hopefully these kids paid attention to last season and how Joe ate himself off the show. (Oh wait, I guess they didn’t see it since that episode aired 2 ½ weeks after this episode was shot). Too bad. These kids are stuffing their faces, not caring about how much food they’re eating in a short period, and what affect it may have on their intestinal tract.
Alas, instead of intestinal blockage – shrimp is much more forgiving than the 7 lbs. of meat Joe ate – the effect this food is having on these three little pigs is hiccups, belching, and farting, unlike anything we’ve ever seen (or heard) on Survivor. These pigs are not just breaking wind in front of Michelle, they’re not even bothering to excuse themselves, apologize, or beg forgiveness. (She would give it to you, ya know…).
However, despite their Blazing Saddles “Ode to Mongo” behavior, it’s Michelle who confesses she’s on the bottom, and she may be an “easy vote,” which is probably the only time in her life Michelle has been described as “easy.”
{burp, fart}
Look like the Indians are mounting a comeback. Oh-oh, the struggle is real, Chicago…
At Takali, we’re provided an amusing scene of Jessica, Ken and Taylor talking politics, with Taylor providing all the comic relief. He may not be the brightest light on the porch, but he’s the only light on his porch. It’s not even worth mentioning what they’re talking about, but afterwards, he agrees to not write down Jessica or Ken’s name ever again, and I wonder if that’s foreshadowing a Final Tribal event. While Jessica can appreciate Taylor’s offer, she knows aligning with him is something she may need to consider to move forward, considering how much more strategic Adam is than Taylor.
The morning of Day 20 arrives at Ikabula and Michaela is comparing herself to Steve Jobs and Michael Jordan. That’s all I can say about that…
The conversation meanders to what Bret does for a living, and when he tells Hannah he’s a funeral director, something smells wrong to her. Once Moobs and Sunday have gone to poop, she tells her fellow Millennials that she grew up in Boston, and she’s “70% sure” Bret’s a cop. Jay concurs that if you put Bret in Florida, in a uniform, he’d be one of the cops chasing after him for one of his failed real estate ventures. Either way, Jay is going to keep his eye on Bret, because he doesn’t like that someone is lying to his face. Uh, THAT’S the game, genius, and let’s see if that subject is revisited this episode.
Later that day, Jeff calls everyone in to the Immunity Challenge and we find out what’s the deal. Teams will toss coconuts into a basket until it drops, revealing numbers on a flag. Those numbers will then be used as a combination to release a key that’ll unlock a slingshot. Players will then use the slingshot to fire sandbags at targets to knock them over. With two extra players, Ikabula will once again have to sit two players. And once again, Hannah is out next to her partner in crime, Will (uh, Michaela, you just said you didn’t want to be viewed as a threat. You could sit ONE challenge out…)
But no, she’s all-in on Season 33 and she’ll participate in this challenge as well.
Jeff releases the hounds and we’re under way. Immediately, some players can figure out how to shoot and some can’t. No need to recap every throw…
Takali finishes phase one first and Adam immediately runs over to enter the combination of numbers. Takes him a couple tries, but he figures out the right sequence and releases the key before the other tribes can finish phase one. He quickly races over to unlock the slingshot and Taylor gets under way launching sandbags.
Meanwhile, the other tribes are successful in getting their basket to drop, and for some reason, their sequence of numbers is the same as Takalis. Um, shouldn’t they be a little different? Not that it matters that much, but wouldn’t you think that would make more sense?) Whatevs, all three tribes have their numbers and are moving on in the challenge.
And once again, the way Michaela handles the pressure of being in a challenge reveals how truly bitchy she is… So done with her…
Ken hits the first target for Takali and Michelle is still struggling with the combination lock. While her team remains confident in her abilities, Michaela’s struggles in the slingshot force Jay to suggest a switch.
“No!” she barks back at him, clearly not realizing what the word “teamwork” means.
Ken hits his second target, and after another miss, Michaela finally agrees to allow Jay to begin launching. Michelle finally figures out the combination allowing Vanua to move on to the slingshot. Taylor then hits a target, then Chris, Jay and Ken all hit targets. Takali is currently up 4 to 1 to 1. With scientific precision, Ken pulls back on the slingshot and calculates his angle. And launches…a direct hit! Takali wins Immunity…
Zeke then connects, then Bret, and we’re tied 2-2. With players switching constantly due to their fatigue, it’s tough to develop a rhythm. But Chris lands another hit, and then another to go up 4-2 against Ikabula. With another failed launch from Michaela, Chris lines up his next shot, attempting to hit the farthest target.
And he connects! Vanua takes the other Immunity! See what patience, and keeping a cool head can do for you, Michaela!? After Jeff hands out the Immunity Idols, everyone packs up to leave, and Jay confesses the Millennials will need to come together to vote out either Bret or Sunday, and considering all the lies Bret is telling, it’s going to be him.
Oh wow, I did such a huge happy dance to see Bleck-kay-lah gone. She was so full of herself, so rude, ugh she was just outright annoying. Go sell someone a timeshare and get off the TV Felicia! Anyway, what happened to the big rumor that she was one of the final 3? Do you think that was a red herring? I was sure she wouldn’t be voted out bc I thought there had been some spoiler that leaked basically saying she was one of the last finalists? What do you think Fish? 2nd, this really bugged me and you mentioned it but didn’t discuss. Bret and Sunday-WHY DO YOU HAVE TO WRITE EACH OTHER’S NAMES DOWN????? To me, that is the stupidest strategy every. Here’s why…yes, you both thought you were on the bottom. So its not like if one of you suddenly was voted out, that the other one would be safe just bc you put down your ally’s name. You would still be on the bottom and would have possibly F’d up a chance to get someone else out. It seemed so dumb, I almost wondered if they were sort of “acting” upon the directive of a meddling producer to throw us-the audience-off from the surprise of Mikey-a-la going? Am I being totally paranoid? That just seemed like the worst thing ever. To me, if you are on the bottom 2, show some guts and make a smart vote. Bugged me SO MUCH!!!! Hanna has big boobs BTW Fish. I’m surprised you haven’t noticed but may be too distracted by the pile of hair and giant glasses she has. She kind of reminds me of Rocky the Squirrel or maybe the squirrel on Sponge Bob-Sandy Cheeks? Definitely some type of rodent. I loved how you said in the recap that you fell in love with Jay when he said to Michela, “yeah, I voted you out.” I felt exactly the same way. Jay went way up on my list of favorites. And here’s another question….do you really think Hanna is that astute that she could just figure out Bret is a cop simply bc of his Boston accent. My son Jack, who is 12, is convinced the producers leaked a hint to her. See, he’s paranoid now too. (or just cynical like mom) What do you think? Yes, I also agree with you about the “types” that all of these shows feel they must cast, like its a sitcom which has to have the straight man, the wacky neighbor, the slutty sister in law and the kid who is smarter than every one else. So annoying. That’s why I like the weird, annoying people sometimes, but I guess one could argue they are a type too? Big Brother has been totally ruined the past few seasons by doing that. They are all about 20 years old, very attractive and all wanting to be famous. Its no fun. At least Survivor has tried a bit to still have some people who are a mix of ages, races and not all in perfect shape. Anyway, great recap as always and sorry I’m going on and on, but I had a lot to say. I too am worried about Tuesday. You probably wouldn’t like my vote since I think I’m a much more conservative person than you. Its weird though, some of the people I like the most are ones who are TOTAL political opposites of me. I’d never agree with you about it, but I still like you anyway. Have a great week Fishy! Luv your biggest fan.
Great episode !!! Great recap !!! Hannah actually had the nerve to tell everyone to stay honest ? 6 episodes or 387 anxiety attacks ago you stabbed the only person who opened up to you in the back ! For people you knew didn’t respect you . Hannah you are a clueless human being . Get your s&^t together kid . Jay has ice water in his veins . He was so cool and calm . Yes I did that ! Simple and accurate good move sir ! Well played !
I mostly liked Michaela in the same sense that one can be mostly dead or mostly pregnant, it doesn’t seem possible but it happens. Also, I’m mostly glad your back Fish!
Hola, amigos! Thank you for writing in, I know it’s kind of a pain to register and comment but I want you to know how much I appreciate your effort. Now let’s dish some dirt…!
kinb: Hey, my #1 reader! Missed ya! I’m so glad we’re on the same page about Belch-kay-la. Just a snapdragon, that one… I never heard she was going to be final 3, but since they’ve revealed the cast of S34 — of which she’s included — it was assumed she would do some damage this season. I guess a) going topless in that challenge, b) being an outright bitch every week, c) being available, and d) on a boring season, it wasn’t hard for her to make herself seen. Seriously, the only other people who could have been considered are:
Ken – probably not gonna be away from his daughter for that long, or he wins
Jessica – same can be said for her, or she wins…
Jay – the only one who could’ve taken Michaela’s spot, maybe this mean he wins…?
Figgy – Seriously, why isn’t she on S34? She would have been perfect. This is a perfect example of the show opting for high drama beeyotches than sexy players…
Taylor – couldn’t be away from baby mama…
David, Bret, Chris – couldn’t be away from work for that long
Paul, Rachel, Mari – left the game too early to make a connection with viewers.
Sunday, Adam, Hannah, Will, Lucy, CeCe and Michelle – boring af…
Zeke – is on S34…
Yeah, the Bret/Sunday thing could’ve been just a seed planted by a producer. I think if you’re in that situation, you say to the other, “Let’s both vote for Hannah,” and then you vote for Sunday. Doesn’t make sense…
You’re right about me not noticing Hannah’s boobs. She just doesn’t register on my boob-dar… I think it’s that whole Larry from the Three Stooges thing. He was never sexy to me. Now, Shemp, that dude was a goer…
Yeah, I also wanna believe the producers get more involved than they let on, but who knows? Coach made it seem like producers are merely there to observe, but I can’t believe the whole “reality show producer pool” is so vast that the same mistakes (or methods) used by Bachelor/ette producers are not used on Survivor. Let’s hope not…
No comment on Big Brother, I’ve never watched it. I hate Julie Chen, and the format just seems like everything I hate about reality TV. I hate that it’s in the same discussion as Survivor… But I do like your point about Survivor casting different types. I just wish they found more interesting/savvy/sexy people.
I’ll refrain from discussing anything political tonight. It’s the last night of America’s youth, tomorrow is our Bat Mitzvah. We’ll finally become a grownup. But I’ll say this, the more conservative candidate may have some good ideas, but the way those ideas are presented ruins it for me. I need a smooth operator. A good communicator. We’ll see what happens. It wouldn’t surprise me who gets elected because this country has a lot of stupid people in it.
Thanks for all your support. I love your passion!!!
Rick: Why do you still hate BBQs!? I don’t get it… Seriously, dude, thank you for continuing to write in. Sorry I didn’t get back to you last week. I was moping over the lack of comments coming in. However, I appreciate your dedication to the column. I agree with your thoughts on Hannah and Jay, but I really wished Jay would’ve spoken up a bit more and threw it back at Michaela. If someone stared me down like that, I’d be sure to slap him/her down
a little. Or definitely yell out some funny/nasty shit as she walks away from Tribal. Gotta give the folks at home something to remember too. And you can’t let bullies get away with that shizz. Make ’em look stupid. Thanks for writing in!
Susie: I’m glad you’re back! Missed ya! I think you just complimented me, but I’m mostly confused… 😉 Let me just say I’m glad to be back, and hope it continues for a long time. I truly missed it/all of you. Keep reading, and — despite what I wrote — use that social media to spread the word! Good luck this week!
And I really hope we can put this whole election behind us so I can stop talking about it. It’s hard to be an adult and NOT have a strong opinion on what’s going on, but I know none of you came here for that. I hope I’m not losing any readers based on what I’ve written.
Remember, everyone, nothing I say means anything. Half the shit I write is the equivalent to drunk tweets. I’m just trying to get a laugh… Please keep that in mind…
Now, offer to buy me a drink and I’ll meet anyone, anywhere, in Southern California to take them up on it! Bartender, make it double!
Mazel tov!