Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, we have a really big shoe tonight…really big. At least that’s what Jeff Probst wants us to think, considering he made a special video – posted on Twitter – that says we have a really big shoe tonight, and everyone needs to check it out…
According to the video, he says he doesn’t want to see anyone go home on Survivor, but…it could also be that:
-something called the CMA Awards will pull one group of viewers away
-much of America (and many Survivor fans) will be watching two pathetic teams battle it out…
-and it’s game 7 of the World Series! (BTW, the “two pathetic teams” were the Democrats & GOP)
-and there’s internet porn
But we’re being led to believe that tonight’s episode is going to be BIG, but just how big can it be this season? We’ve already seen all the hot girls voted out (Michelle doesn’t count for reasons described below) leaving all the dudes to fight it out against Sunday, Jessica, Hannah, and Michelle. And out of that group, Jessica seems the only one exhibiting any real gameplay. The others?
-Sunday is a non-entity in challenges and at camp…
-Hannah is a nutbag who should have never been cast on the show.
-Michelle could be a threat, but she clearly has no idea how the game is played, or won…
And I just found out she’s into something called Catan, which is a board game for virgins, or German kids, or virgin German kids, which probably means she’s a virgin, which takes her out of the “people I want to win Survivor” group. Sorry if that seems harsh, but I like my winners to have lived life a little, gathered some intel on the opposite sex, and have performed the “walk of shame” once or twice in their life. Sorry, not sorry…
So, I reread last week’s column where I basically trashed Michaela for several gameplay faux pas, and I think I may have been too brutal. I hope she can make a comeback this week, because I don’t want to go the whole season hating on her – to her credit, I haven’t forgotten the topless challenge – but after last week, I had a bad taste in my mouth.
Well, there’s nothing like a fruity cocktail to get rid that bad taste, and with the countdown to “Erection Tuesday” – where America gets screwed – only 5 days away, this is the last column I’ll write under the “old America.” Next week, we’ll have a new president, a new reality, and I’m sure a new revolution will be coming soon thereafter. ,i>“Buckle up, kids, it’s going to be a bumpy ride…”
However, let’s see what this week brings first, shall we? I had hoped the World Series would be over by now, but that’s one of the compromises I’ll make to watch Survivor live. I don’t have DVR tonight, so I’ll just have to find out which team is leading at the commercial breaks. Right now, the Cubs are up, so let’s see if that curse is for real or not.
However, I do know a few girls from Chicago, and they were all pretty naughty, so I wonder if all the boyfriends, husbands, and dudes in Chicago are looking forward to a saucy night of post-curse coitus. Fingers crossed for them.
But it’s time to dive into another episode of Battle Royale: Zealots vs. Heathens, and let’s hope we’re saying goodbye to someone who should not be a contender for Sole Survivor. If you’re like me, you want to like the person who wins the game, because who wants to see the wrong person win? But enough about politics, let’s head to Fiji…
Jeff’s voiceover informs us of the following:
-at Ikabula, Bret and Sunday have been on the outs, outnumbered by Millennials.
-at Vanua, Zeke is matriculating towards his spirit animal…David.
-at Takali, Adam is in a power position, and Figgy is sexually promiscuous,
“Are we doing, Ken?”
…causing Adam to wonder why he’s not shacking up with her too. Instead, he opted to side with the Gen-Xers, and celebrate as Jeff snuffed “Taylor’s girlfriend.” (Seriously, you got to give us names here, Jeff, because I don’t know if you’re talking about Figgy, or Tayl’s baby momma, or one of his snow bunnies).
Night 18, the Takali tribe returns to camp after Tribal. Adam immediately wants to snuggle up to Tayls and explain himself, but Mr. Figgy is in no mood to cuddle up to a screamer. He’s pissed – to the max! – and lets us know how awful it’s going to be around camp now.
“Just the comfort of having her around. The smiles, her high spirit, her junk pressed up against my junk, that third nipple, I’m gonna miss all that s**t…”
He clearly needs help with what he says in his confessionals, and Adam clearly needs help on how to speak to other people.
“I screwed you. And I own that. You are clearly now in a worse position than you were before. And that’s my fault. And I admit that…”
Okay, dude, he may be a snowboarder but he’s not dumb. He knows you f**ked him, but you don’t need to keep reminding him of that fact. But there’s one thing that’s clear: Taylor is now out to get Adam, and he will destroy you…” (insert sinister laugh here).
The next morning, sunrise breaks at Vanua and the way the sunlight hits Zeke’s face is just the thing that David needs to fall in love with his tribemate. He knows that while Michelle may be the easy vote next time, he’s smart enough to know Chris may make a move and take out David, so our fuzzy little TV writer hatches a plan to start his own showmance.
He takes a little stroll with Zeke and confesses he wants to “show him my idol,” and for a second there I thought I was watching Gotham again and the Penguin is about to tell the Riddler how much he loves him. Gross, Batman!
But David’s plan is a bit less romantic, it appears, since he only wants to reveal to Zeke that he found an Immunity Idol. Zeke realizes this kind of shared information can only help his game, so he pledges to remain true to David, and let’s see if this “Dynamic Duo” can make some waves till the end. In Zeke’s following confessional, he’s beaming with joy at this new partnership, and I can’t tell if he’s sunburned or blushing, because those rosy little cheeks are bursting with redness. ,i>Oh, I do declare he may be in love…
But will he remain faithful to David is the question, because Zeke knows this is something he could easily spin to his advantage. Being close to someone with an idol, having that idol possibly given to you, or maybe revealing to others that David has the idol are all possibilities moving forward, and since David has put his life in Zeke’s hands, Zeke confesses he’ll “take very good care of David’s life…for the time being.” Geez, you can’t trust anyone these days, Batman…
A few minutes into the show and we’re already flying in to our first challenge where the tribes get their first look at the new Takali tribe – minus Figgy.
“Oh my God!” seems to be the most common reaction, except for Michaela, who immediately straps on her Bi*ch Heels and tells Jeff how pleased she is Figgy’s gone. Jeff reminds her of what she said at the last challenge about how the Millennials shouldn’t need any help figuring out who to send home, but clearly they did.
“Bye, Felicia…” is all she can say. (She does realize everyone can hear her and it’s a social game, too, right?)
Taylor then realizes that to win you need to Outwit the other players too…
“No comment, bruh” is all he can offer…
Oh wow, I did such a huge happy dance to see Bleck-kay-lah gone. She was so full of herself, so rude, ugh she was just outright annoying. Go sell someone a timeshare and get off the TV Felicia! Anyway, what happened to the big rumor that she was one of the final 3? Do you think that was a red herring? I was sure she wouldn’t be voted out bc I thought there had been some spoiler that leaked basically saying she was one of the last finalists? What do you think Fish? 2nd, this really bugged me and you mentioned it but didn’t discuss. Bret and Sunday-WHY DO YOU HAVE TO WRITE EACH OTHER’S NAMES DOWN????? To me, that is the stupidest strategy every. Here’s why…yes, you both thought you were on the bottom. So its not like if one of you suddenly was voted out, that the other one would be safe just bc you put down your ally’s name. You would still be on the bottom and would have possibly F’d up a chance to get someone else out. It seemed so dumb, I almost wondered if they were sort of “acting” upon the directive of a meddling producer to throw us-the audience-off from the surprise of Mikey-a-la going? Am I being totally paranoid? That just seemed like the worst thing ever. To me, if you are on the bottom 2, show some guts and make a smart vote. Bugged me SO MUCH!!!! Hanna has big boobs BTW Fish. I’m surprised you haven’t noticed but may be too distracted by the pile of hair and giant glasses she has. She kind of reminds me of Rocky the Squirrel or maybe the squirrel on Sponge Bob-Sandy Cheeks? Definitely some type of rodent. I loved how you said in the recap that you fell in love with Jay when he said to Michela, “yeah, I voted you out.” I felt exactly the same way. Jay went way up on my list of favorites. And here’s another question….do you really think Hanna is that astute that she could just figure out Bret is a cop simply bc of his Boston accent. My son Jack, who is 12, is convinced the producers leaked a hint to her. See, he’s paranoid now too. (or just cynical like mom) What do you think? Yes, I also agree with you about the “types” that all of these shows feel they must cast, like its a sitcom which has to have the straight man, the wacky neighbor, the slutty sister in law and the kid who is smarter than every one else. So annoying. That’s why I like the weird, annoying people sometimes, but I guess one could argue they are a type too? Big Brother has been totally ruined the past few seasons by doing that. They are all about 20 years old, very attractive and all wanting to be famous. Its no fun. At least Survivor has tried a bit to still have some people who are a mix of ages, races and not all in perfect shape. Anyway, great recap as always and sorry I’m going on and on, but I had a lot to say. I too am worried about Tuesday. You probably wouldn’t like my vote since I think I’m a much more conservative person than you. Its weird though, some of the people I like the most are ones who are TOTAL political opposites of me. I’d never agree with you about it, but I still like you anyway. Have a great week Fishy! Luv your biggest fan.
Great episode !!! Great recap !!! Hannah actually had the nerve to tell everyone to stay honest ? 6 episodes or 387 anxiety attacks ago you stabbed the only person who opened up to you in the back ! For people you knew didn’t respect you . Hannah you are a clueless human being . Get your s&^t together kid . Jay has ice water in his veins . He was so cool and calm . Yes I did that ! Simple and accurate good move sir ! Well played !
I mostly liked Michaela in the same sense that one can be mostly dead or mostly pregnant, it doesn’t seem possible but it happens. Also, I’m mostly glad your back Fish!
Hola, amigos! Thank you for writing in, I know it’s kind of a pain to register and comment but I want you to know how much I appreciate your effort. Now let’s dish some dirt…!
kinb: Hey, my #1 reader! Missed ya! I’m so glad we’re on the same page about Belch-kay-la. Just a snapdragon, that one… I never heard she was going to be final 3, but since they’ve revealed the cast of S34 — of which she’s included — it was assumed she would do some damage this season. I guess a) going topless in that challenge, b) being an outright bitch every week, c) being available, and d) on a boring season, it wasn’t hard for her to make herself seen. Seriously, the only other people who could have been considered are:
Ken – probably not gonna be away from his daughter for that long, or he wins
Jessica – same can be said for her, or she wins…
Jay – the only one who could’ve taken Michaela’s spot, maybe this mean he wins…?
Figgy – Seriously, why isn’t she on S34? She would have been perfect. This is a perfect example of the show opting for high drama beeyotches than sexy players…
Taylor – couldn’t be away from baby mama…
David, Bret, Chris – couldn’t be away from work for that long
Paul, Rachel, Mari – left the game too early to make a connection with viewers.
Sunday, Adam, Hannah, Will, Lucy, CeCe and Michelle – boring af…
Zeke – is on S34…
Yeah, the Bret/Sunday thing could’ve been just a seed planted by a producer. I think if you’re in that situation, you say to the other, “Let’s both vote for Hannah,” and then you vote for Sunday. Doesn’t make sense…
You’re right about me not noticing Hannah’s boobs. She just doesn’t register on my boob-dar… I think it’s that whole Larry from the Three Stooges thing. He was never sexy to me. Now, Shemp, that dude was a goer…
Yeah, I also wanna believe the producers get more involved than they let on, but who knows? Coach made it seem like producers are merely there to observe, but I can’t believe the whole “reality show producer pool” is so vast that the same mistakes (or methods) used by Bachelor/ette producers are not used on Survivor. Let’s hope not…
No comment on Big Brother, I’ve never watched it. I hate Julie Chen, and the format just seems like everything I hate about reality TV. I hate that it’s in the same discussion as Survivor… But I do like your point about Survivor casting different types. I just wish they found more interesting/savvy/sexy people.
I’ll refrain from discussing anything political tonight. It’s the last night of America’s youth, tomorrow is our Bat Mitzvah. We’ll finally become a grownup. But I’ll say this, the more conservative candidate may have some good ideas, but the way those ideas are presented ruins it for me. I need a smooth operator. A good communicator. We’ll see what happens. It wouldn’t surprise me who gets elected because this country has a lot of stupid people in it.
Thanks for all your support. I love your passion!!!
Rick: Why do you still hate BBQs!? I don’t get it… Seriously, dude, thank you for continuing to write in. Sorry I didn’t get back to you last week. I was moping over the lack of comments coming in. However, I appreciate your dedication to the column. I agree with your thoughts on Hannah and Jay, but I really wished Jay would’ve spoken up a bit more and threw it back at Michaela. If someone stared me down like that, I’d be sure to slap him/her down
a little. Or definitely yell out some funny/nasty shit as she walks away from Tribal. Gotta give the folks at home something to remember too. And you can’t let bullies get away with that shizz. Make ’em look stupid. Thanks for writing in!
Susie: I’m glad you’re back! Missed ya! I think you just complimented me, but I’m mostly confused… 😉 Let me just say I’m glad to be back, and hope it continues for a long time. I truly missed it/all of you. Keep reading, and — despite what I wrote — use that social media to spread the word! Good luck this week!
And I really hope we can put this whole election behind us so I can stop talking about it. It’s hard to be an adult and NOT have a strong opinion on what’s going on, but I know none of you came here for that. I hope I’m not losing any readers based on what I’ve written.
Remember, everyone, nothing I say means anything. Half the shit I write is the equivalent to drunk tweets. I’m just trying to get a laugh… Please keep that in mind…
Now, offer to buy me a drink and I’ll meet anyone, anywhere, in Southern California to take them up on it! Bartender, make it double!
Mazel tov!