SURVIVOR: WC vs BC vs NC – 3/25/15

Okay, time to dive into the episode. Jeff’s recap reminds us that Kelly may not be sitting pretty on her new tribe (since she’s the only original BC member) and while Sierra didn’t like the old BC tribe, she’s found new life after the tribe swap. And with Joaquin Dead and Boston Rod bonding like a couple dudes who enjoy placing their ballsacks dangerously close to each other’s faces when doing bench press. And with the Ambiguously Dork Duo (Maxin) dropping the bar of “Survivor Fan Coolness” to a new low, the decision of which to vote out first was mishandled by the new Nagarote tribe when they sent Max packing. I can only see one outcome tonight, and that’s Shirin following her buddy out the door, and with the episode entitled “Odd Woman Out,” I can’t see an odder woman than Shirin to kick to the curb. But let’s see how the episode unfolds…

The show opens and we’re suspiciously not seeing the tribe returning to camp after Tribal. This can only mean there was nothing to explain/defend/justify or hide from Shirin. It was either Max or her, they chose Max, so no need to pretend and make her feel wanted. I think the others hate her so much they probably joked about how she’s the next to go and told her to go “f**k yourself to sleep.”

She awakens and heads over to Carolyn to see if things are as bad as they seem. And, yes, they are. Carolyn essentially tells her to go f**k herself, again, because Shirin would only strategize with Max and with no on else. Shirin confesses that maybe it’s her personality….

No s**t, Sherlock! You think all that insipid whistling, and talking, and singing, and talking, and nudity, and talking, and pooping, and talking about pooping had anything to do with it? “What do I need to change?” she laments, and you just wonder if she’s one of those people who’ll never really understand why they’re not invited to the Survivor viewing parties in the ‘burbs…

And since Shirin grew up in one of those rich areas of Orange County (Newport Beach, perhaps?) she’s been around beautiful skinny girls all her life and had to figure out how to fit in. So this just means she’s gotta do it again, but at least her career has prepared for it, right? And if she’s as successful as her bio states, she probably shouldn’t care if she doesn’t fit in with these crazy reality show chicks.

Or, she’s still that little fat girl looking for acceptance and bothered by what the pretty girls say. I have to admit that I’ve never been the hot/popular/rich/jock guy either, but if some 25 year old stud came up and told me how annoying I was, I’d tell that kid to go f**k himself, because who cares what a 25 year old has to say!? You hear me, 25 year olds? You’re opinion means nothing to the adults in the room, so STFU…

Day 15 and we’ve arrived at the Escameca camp just in time to hear Dan telling the story of how he lost his chones again. Although, I don’t think you can refer to the marblebag that Dan was wearing as “chones,” because let’s just say David could have used that puppy to slay Goliath in the Valley of Elah. And after Dan tells his “…so I’m going commando for the next 24 days…” story, Rodney is whining he’s heard the “Dan vs. the Wave” story for the umpteenth time. Rodney really wanted a bigger shake-up than what he got at the tribe swap, and aside from his “homeslice” Joaquin, he’s looking at a bunch of strangers. In fact, Rodney is so pumped to be able to hang with Joaqamole, he’s already planning on all the women the two of them can “pull a Cosby on” to increase the notches on their “Chicks I’ve Banged” belt. Joaquin is just as pumped as Rodney to be hanging with a dude, but he doesn’t seem as roided
out as Rod. Who, by the way, alludes to some big plan of his that he’s getting ready to unleash on the game. I shudder to think what that may be…

As we fly into the reward challenge, we can see it’s a monster structure that obviously put the Survivor challenge department back a couple bucks. By the sheer nature of its size, this has got to be a challenge that’ll favor a stronger tribe, so it looks like Escameca is going to have plenty of nourishment before the next Immunity Challenge. Sucks to be on a shi**y tribe, right Nagarote? Bet you’re wishing you could do that Max vote over again, huh? How is Will (!) the strongest person on this tribe!? It’s utter stupidity. And have you seen Will’s feet?! I tweeted a picture of them earlier today. Check it out, but I’ll give you two words of warning: Fred Flintstone.

Jeff goes over the challenge – race through a series of obstacles, ascend a tower, then use a sling shot to launch sand bags at targets in the distance – but it’s all about the reward. For their hard work, the winning tribe will get to…watch turtles come on shore and lay eggs! And both tribes erupt with elation. Holy crap, did the tribes just jizz in their pants a little? I mean, WTF? True, there’s food to eat, but everyone seemed to be more interested in the “turtle birthing aspect” than they did about the food. They were celebrating like The Crocodile Hunter when he heard he was going to shoot a documentary in the Great Barrier Reef (too soon?). I think Escameca can already taste that beef stew and mac & cheese, so let’s see how much they win by.

Escameca takes the early lead (natch!) with the “Ambiguously Bro Duo” leading the charge, but even with the small lead Rodney has over Jenn, she and her droopy drawers hit the target first. Rodney eventually hits one and Escameca retakes the lead when Sierra connects on her first shot. With a few more good launches, Escameca takes a 4-2 lead, but then 2 quick hits by Nagarote ties it at 4. Joe eventually hits the 5th target, as does Will, and it’s a battle to see who can hit the last one between Tyler and Jenn (Hali chickened out halfway through the challenge). With Tyler launching his shot first, he comes up just short as the sand bag hits a few inches below the target, and what may have been her first shot, Jenn hits the front target and Nagarote wins the Steve Irwin Turtle Challenge. OMFG, did that just happen?

As both tribes are heading back to camp, Shirin confesses she’s excited to have won because it’ll allow her to bond with her tribe. I don’t know about that, because I think her bizarre personality and topics of discussion will probably come into play tonight. Will she talk about seeing little turtle vaginas as the egg comes out? Will she giggle as she ponders how small a turtle’s penis is? Will she rub hot chocolate on her breasts and ask Will if she’s “hot chocolate enough for him?” Not sure what’ll go down, but as they say, “The Freaks Come Out at Night.”

Before the turtle birthing ritual gets under way, the tribe indulges in their reward meal, and you can see they’re truly enjoying it. Beef stew, mac & cheese, fresh bread, hot chocolate, everything looks fantastic, and you know this was never expected. They get to throw in some barbs at Boston Rod for all the protein he’s missing out on, but I think “the girl tribe” (I’ll just call them that) is just happy to not have to think about the game for a night. And when the Nicaraguan Turtle Guide arrives to collect them, the joy they feel at witnessing the process of how turtles are born doesn’t go unappreciated by anyone. Thanks, Survivor, for giving us the “egg dropping out of the turtle” cam, because I had no idea how eggs come out of turtles. It’s “Mutual of Nicaragua’s: Wild Kingdom” all over again…

Jenn is just happy that her 1 in 14 shot of winning Survivor is much better than the 1 in 120 shot these eggs have at just LIVING. I wonder why two eggs don’t hatch? I should look that up. And I’m wondering if the show is now foreshadowing Jenn doing well this season… Hmm…

We head over to the Escameca camp (Day 16), where everyone has left camp, leaving Joaquin and Sierra alone. If he was back at home, this would be the opportunity for Joaquin to hit on Sierra or find out “how you doin’?” But he chooses wisely and opts to discuss where she stands in the game. Divulging she wants nothing to do with her old BC tribe, Joaquin tells her he’s tight with Tyler and Rodney, so she better get over her beef with Rodney and join the 3 of them. When Rodney returns to camp before the others, the 3 of them solidify their alliance and any issue she had with Rodney will need to be squashed. 4 vs. 3 is much better than 1 (girl) vs. 5 (men), so it appears Sierra’s mind is made up.

And it looks like we’re finding out what Rodney’s big plan is. He wants to throw a challenge! Oh goodie, somebody has a good plan! (Idiot!) Now don’t get me wrong. I can understand why you “think” you need to get rid of some players. In this case, Rodney wants to lose so they can get rid of Joe, but who is Joe aligned with now?! No one! He’s the weakest person on this tribe, so just use him for his ability, his agility, and his TOTAL LACK OF ALLIES and win a few challenges. So dumb. Rodney spills his plan to his old BC tribemate Mike, who admits it could be a bad idea, but in this case, since he’s REALLY aligned with lonesome Kelly on the other tribe, the only way he can keep her safe is to throw, not one, but A COUPLE challenges to hopefully keep her around for a while.

And once again, I say to Jeff Probst, “Are you f**king kidding me this is the best cast ever assembled?” Seriously, dude…?