Even though it’s a normal night of Survivor, I am actually pleased it’s just a one-hour episode. Those double episodes are a killer! Sure, we’d all like to see as much Survivor as possible, but trust me, when you have to recap ‘til 2am, you begin to appreciate the “little things.” For some of you, that may be a slo-motion montage of dudes running on the beach without a shirt on. Others may prefer a tightly contested challenge. Shirin might wanna watch animals fornicating in a tree. Me? I’ll take a well crafted episode, some commendable gameplay, a funny scene or two…and a few good boob shots. Call me crass…
But before we get to the show, I just wanna go over a couple quick things.
1. There’s really not much else to write about other than March Madness this week. It’s still the greatest annual tournament (the Olympics and World Cup soccer trump it, of course), but for a once a year occurrence, there’s really no other comparison. Say what you want about pro football, baseball, basketball, the high caliber play and emotions during March Madness can’t be beat. Just the thought that some of these guys may never play basketball again is compelling enough. Add in all the other stuff (alumni, crowds, broadcast, gambling, rivalries, etc.) and you’ve got me hooked.
2. Perhaps I could go into a few other things this week (The Walking Dead, Idol, planes crashing in France), but I know you’re not here for that. Heck, I could give you my opinion on the “Top Survivor Bikinis of All Time,” but I don’t think you care about that…
But if you did – and since I checked out all 36 of them! – I’ll give you my top ten. First off, Morgan is still atop the list, which is more of a comment on what’s stuffed inside the bikini than the bikini itself, but it’s a subjective list and I’m sure everyone has their own criteria. And you know I have mine…
While we’re at it, can the wardrobe department take a closer look at what these contestants bring to the show? Because some of those suits are not what the doctor ordered… Is Rachel wearing an old tablecloth? And can someone tell Ciera that she was WAY too much material covering her little A-cups! Seriously…
That said, here are my favorites based on what’s stuffed inside the bikini and not the bikini itself…
1. Morgan (natch)
2. Angie Layton (pulling down bikini bottoms long before Hannah Davis made it cool)
3. Julie McGee (being a quitter doesn’t matter on some lists!)
3. Carolina (just imagine what we could have seen if she stuck around?)
3. Christina (not a great bikini, but love those cha-cha’s)
4. Candice Cody
5. Amanda (but that picture is terrible, she looks like a crackhead…)
6. Brenda
7. Kelley
8. R.C. (heh-heh, natch!)
9. Jaclyn (check out her freakishly thin torso above those hips)
10. So (not so much what’s in “North Korea”, but “South Korea” looks delicious…)
Now, we all know they missed out on a lot of other babes who’ve graced the shores of Survivor. Not gonna go into all of them now, but there have been so many. You can tell from the photos (like Sherri’s) that this series was thrown together rather quickly. What? You don’t have high-res photos of all the girls, Survivor? And it seems this group of 36 was not even the best bikinis, just the easiest bunch to pull together. Whatev, CBS. Just know that you’re on blast. Try a little harder next time…
So before we dive in (is that a pun?), just wanna remind you at the conclusion of tonight’s column, I’ve included my list of former contestants who – I think – should come back for a future season. Knowing that Season 32 is going to have returnees (um, does Spoiler Alert! go after the spoiler…?), the only question is whether they’ll face off against each other, against a tribe of “Superfans,” or will the tribes be made up from both groups? Personally, I’d like to see a season where only strong, fit, smart, capable, savvy players are brought in to square off against a group of All-Stars. Give us some Victor Dragos to compete against a bunch of Rockys. Make America choose which demi-gods and goddesses to get behind and support.
Or, they could just put a bunch of Survivor bloggers on to compete against the best former players, since we know the show intrinsically. It’s okay, CBS, you can contact me directly, contact info is on the last page. Trust me, I’ll say yes…
Chances are, I needn’t hold my breath on that, but it reminds me of something I read the other day. I heard that the cast of Season 32 might be selected by a public vote. Since I’m sure it’ll shoot pretty soon, I’m wondering if we’re going to see something this season about a vote. To be honest, I don’t know how they’re choosing players, but it may be something we should all start thinking about and discussing. Send me your list of “must-haves” and I’ll compile a list and post it later in the season. Vote more than once. Who knows, maybe CBS will use our list as a guide? Whaddya say, folks…?
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You are an unapologetic and socially inappropriate master of recapping and I love it! You have a little flavor of Daniel Tosh, as long as you insult everyone about anything, it is all funny. Go boobs!
You hit everything i wanted to talk about.
A cop who can’t recreate a scene. I hope she is working indoors and not out on the streets. How did no one hear him or were the words added in later? Did everyone really get it in one shot (beside the last group) or more editing?
The turtle reward challenge must have had the lamest obstacle course. I could not believe how no one struggled. Will had no problems and where was his usual self-stereotyping comment?
At least we saw fish getting caught. But no celebration of fish being brought to camp and cooked and eaten.
I am not a fan of Jeff trying to influence the tribal conference. maybe switch things up, have the vote and then discuss.
Also not a fan of the blatant misleading on what is going on. Please show the steps that lead to the decision, don’t try to blindside the viewers. But it is not a blindside anymore, since if they push scenario A we know it is B or C.
No hook-ups this season? Did we see rodney at Karma during the Jersey Shore shows? Why was yahoo girl shown to be normal this episode? Once again how can a cop have observation skills so pathetic?
Still bored, but now I have the 36 bikinis to look at. So puts the So in Me so horny.
Thank you both for your comments.
susie – You need to be my agent. I’d take Tosh’s career any day. Go boobs!
doc – I knew we were on the same page…
-I’m guessing they were far enough away from the others to not be overheard, but who knows? Would be dumb to alert the others you’re throwing a challenge.
-And yeah, Will wised up. Maybe someone said something?
-That’s an interesting suggestion, have the vote first. I’m pretty sure the show would never do something so sacrilegious as that, lest they get thousands of angry fan comments. But it is an interesting idea.
-I think I know what you mean about misleading. You’re saying that Sierra knew exactly what she was going to do but left it open, right? If so, I know what you mean. Unless she’s a fantastic actress and sold everyone at Tribal.
-I guess hook-ups are not for “the greatest cast ever assembled.” But considering So is already banging Malcolm, I’m thinking she was in full “bone someone associated with Survivor” mode just to lengthen her “15 minutes.” We’ll see. I’m wish them luck, though…
-I’ve never seen Jersey Shore, but I’m sure a lot of guidos/ettes on the east coast found that show so frickin’ cool. That is so crazy to me. For ANYONE to think that show is cool dumbfounds me. But, I’m sure there are ethnic groups that wouldn’t like Survivor or the shows I like.
-I get you that it’s boring. I agree. I’m just wondering if the whole “labeling” players works to their disadvantage. If you’re on the show, just PLAY YOUR GAME, don’t try to “fit in” to the quality of the tribe you’re on. Like Lindsey’s whole “we’re Blue Collar, man, we work hard” thing. Just play your game. IDK, you never know what’s going on off-camera, but I think people have brought way too much “personal baggage” with them into the game: Rodney, Dan, Mike, Shirin, Vince, Nina, all of them seem to have some kind of agenda in their games. Agree?
Thanks again, keep writing in. I love talking Survivor!
B
Thank you for another hilarious recap – it was both wonderful and awful at the same time! And YES, for bringing back Ozzie, Penner and Malcom. Ozzie and Malcom for their beauty and Penner for his Alan Alda voice and mannerisms!!
jberry, you saying Alan Alda ain’t beautiful!? 🙂