SURVIVOR: GAME CHANGERS – 3/17/17

Varner confesses he’s “ready to go,” with his new tribe but I’m left wondering why he’s wearing a tie. Is there an interview he thinks he’s going on today? Has he already lost his mind? Did I just see him texting someone on Shane’s Blackberry?

At Nuku, J.T. introduces everyone to their free-range chickens, the well-built shelter, the abundance of food, and the balls hanging from the trees. Varner was particularly giddy about those, not sure why…

Malcolm and Varner are tickled pink they somehow ended up here, almost like they’ve won a Survivor auction. But no, this is just Probst being Probst. Regardless, the former Manans are walking around semi-erect for their good luck.

But on the flip side, J.T. is telling us how he just got #jobbed by the Survivor gods, and the only thing that’ll save him is an Immunity Idol. That, and a good shower, because it’s Day 7 and J.T. already looks like Keith Nale on Day 35. And dude, it looks like this kid blew his million on kegs of beer and French fries. Grab an apple, for f**k’s sake, J.T.!

He devises a clever plan to take everyone out snorkeling, and then abandon them in shark infested waters, while he swims back to camp to search for an idol. Sounds…kinda stupid…but let’s see what Col. Sanders can do…

So off to the USS Indianapolis they go (look it up), and conveniently, while snorkeling, Malcolm bends the spear. This is the opportunity J.T. needs and suggests he’ll head back to camp to grab the pliers. This doesn’t seem all that suspicious, now, does it? The one guy who’s down 5 to 1 in numbers suddenly disappears for a bit? Everyone’s onto his little game, but J.T. doesn’t care. If he can find an idol, then he’s one step up. Or one less step down.

All the others on the raft know exactly what J.T. is up to, and even realize he could be going through all their bags, but since none of them have an idol, who cares what mistakes J.T. is making back at camp…

“J.T. is screwed.” Varner tells us.

And from the camera angles, it looks like they’re only a few hundred yards offshore. Why the heck doesn’t anyone just swim back…? Oh well, they gotta create some drama, right?

Later that day at Mana (Day 7), Brad is auditioning for next season’s “Antiques Roadshow” and wants to decorate their lean-to. Everyone has clearly lost their mind due to starvation because this is the best thing they’ve ever seen. Brad confesses he’s feeling pretty groovy because he knows he’s in a good place, up 4 to 2 in numbers if they go to Tribal, and so Hali and Caleb better watch out.

Of course, they know their place in this new tribe, because that’s what returning players bring to the table. A savviness that new players are still trying to figure out for the first few weeks. But Hali, ever the critical thinker, is aware that based on Tai and Caleb’s previous time together, there may be a bigger target on him than her. She’s ready to move on any opportunity she can.

Meanwhile, Brad and Tai have a brief conversation about things, and Tai lets Brad know that he’d like to keep Caleb for a while…“to help with challenges,” and is willing to sacrifice Debbie for Caleb. But Brad doesn’t like the idea of keep 3 Kaoh Rong players around, and is secretly hoping to get rid of Caleb first.

And my spider sense is starting to tingle! Don’t lose strong players early! How many times must I say that? And I thought these players were savvy. Let’s see how they screw this up…

Tai and Caleb share a moment where he informs the cowboy he still wants to be his “little pony,” and Caleb is cool with that. He reveals to Tai his prior connection to Malcolm and Varner, and I bet Tai is already having dirty thoughts…

And, once again, Tai is put into a position where he may have to betray someone to help someone else, but that’s what the game’s about, Chicken Little…

Over at the new Tavua camp, the tribe arrives to their new home with a sense of, “at least we’re not on Sandra’s tribe.” They realize they need to get to work, and with Troyzan being so far down the power ladder, at least no one has to worry about going home for a few days. They get busy building a shelter, and with Ozzy leading the construction – the veteran he is with over 100 days played – he gets busy showing everyone he’s still got it.

And the first person he wants to show is Cirie, whom he didn’t have a great bond with at Nuku. After a quick chat, they both claim to be cool with one another, and will work together to stay afloat. Troyzan is the easy out, Ozzy says, just in case they need to pull the trigger on someone.

However, Troyzan’s aware he’s a target, so he begins the process of massaging egos. His first set of shoulders is Andrea, who knows what he’s doing, and confesses that while she thinks he’s a “cool guy,” she knows this is a numbers game, and he would be the first to go. But backrubs are soooo nice, aren’t they…?

Which is why I love this season already, because everyone knows how to play the game. Even Troyzan – One Worlder that he is – knows where he stands in this tribe. And admits he needs to get cracking and find an idol, otherwise, he’s back on Manono. He claims to have learned a lot back then, but we all know that’s a load of malarkey… He does remind us he found an idol when he had to last time, and right now…he has to.

The others at camp also know that even though Troyzan played on one of the worst seasons, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t know how to play the game, so they’d better keep their eyes open when it comes to Troy’s behavior. Like right now…when he’s not around them.

And sure enough, Troyzan spots something odd in the sand nearby…a glass bottle. And while it could just be a remnant from a wedding on Mamanuca last month, he thinks it may be something more. And yes, it is…a clue to an idol!

The parchment (literally!) tells Troy he needs to grab the idol from under a table at the next challenge – in front of everyone – but if he’s daring (he claims to be) he’ll be successful. The fact he’s tearing up while reading this is something I should poke fun at, but it’s Troyzan. And he shoots nude women all around the world. I’m cool with Troyzan…

The next day, we’re back at Nuku and they’re The Tribe Who Stares at Goats. Goats are running around all over camp, and the only thing scaring the goats away are the noises coming out of Sandra’s stomach. She’s hungry, and even J.T. is willing to catch/kill a goat if it’ll feed Col. Kurtz in the jungle…

But…he’s a little hesitant to do that, because, I mean, it’s a baby goat, and its mother, and even J.T. knows that killing an innocent animal on a reality TV show is not great for his brand. Yet, Sandra is already thinking what goes well on chevon and is wondering if she can score some dental floss from production.

“(S)he’s a cold-hearted snake,
Look into (her) eyes,
(S)he’s been tellin’ lies…”

After catching the baby goat, J.T. hands it over to Sandra and makes his way over to Malcolm, who’s cornered the momma between some rocks. The guys succeed in pulling her out, and are now faced with the difficult decision of whether to kill/eat one/both of these goats, or let them go and not have to face the wrath of Survivor fans on social media forever. While most of Nuku knows exactly what to do, Sandra is still thinking about how these goats are gonna taste, because she’s an evil human being. And for the first time ever – and I can’t believe I’m going to say this – Michaela says something that’s not annoying,

“She was a villain for a reason.”

Boom. Can’t wait for these two to get into it later over something stupid…

So, after discussing the possibility of killing the kid or its mother, its decided they can’t do it. At least on camera. Instead, they’ve got 4 chickens pecking about, and who gives a s**t about a chicken life, anyway? It’s chicken for dinner as they let the goats go. And who says reality stars only care about themselves…?

However, if I was Varner I’d be looking over my shoulder. Sandra is now looking at him like he’s a Uruguayan rugby player in the Andes…