Welcome back, one and all, to a little something we call the season long Survivor roast. Now that doesn’t mean I’m necessarily gonna be ripping everyone all season, quite the contrary. I’m still a Survivor Über-fan at heart, but it’s just so gosh darn fun to poke fun at these guys, isn’t it?
Fish is in particularly high spirits tonight, so I hope that bodes well for the recap. It’s always easier to write when in a good mood – that’s why writing and tequila doesn’t mix for me – and there are so many reasons to be happy.
First, I’ve been getting a lot of love this week on social media. Fish fans, readers, Survivor fans, frickin’ COACH! A lot of love has been coming this way, so lemme throw my hands up and bow down at your feet. You’re the reason I do this – it certainly ain’t the money! – and I do appreciate all those messages…especially the dirty ones (you know who you are!).
If you don’t follow me on Twitter, Coach and I were exchanging tweets this past weekend. In case you don’t remember, or weren’t aware, I interviewed Coach a couple seasons ago at the end of the second Brainiacs-Boob Jobs-Biceps season. He was very cool to open up about a lot of things – both in and out of Survivor – and did not hesitate to answer any of my (your) questions. Check it out, if you’re interested: survivor.realitysteve.com/2015/05/14/survivor-wc-vs-bc-vs-nc-51315/5/
The reason I was tweeting with Coach is he brought up the notion of Francesca Hogi playing again, since she had such sh**ty luck the two times she played. I mentioned I thought it would suck if she came back, because chances are the other contestants would be total jerks and send her off first again. Because, you know, players like to be d**ks.
So, I suggested the idea of a season where they bring back players who have been #jobbed (his idea to hashtag that, btw…) Amusingly, Coach ran with it and thought I meant “jury robbed,” but no. I mean jobbed. And so, I got to work…
After reviewing every season again – JFC, how many times am I going to do that? – I came up with a list of players who I think still have something in the tank. Whether you agree is up to you. I know ANY list of Survivor players is debatable, so please, drop me a line if you agree, disagree, or still think I’m reminiscing of the night I went to the Season 33 finale with Christina Cha… Meow (and I still haven’t told my wife!)
Nevertheless, here’s my list for Survivor: Jobbed,
Honorary:
Dan Kay (Gabon) – Because, come on…
Greg Buis (Borneo): Sean’s stupid alphabet robs what could have been a great player
Carl Bilancione (Africa): Who? Yeah, the guy knocked out by a quiz…
Paschal English (Marquesas): the show’s 1st Purple Rock victim never received a vote against him
Hunter Ellis (Marquesas): Boston Rob’s 1st victim…
Brook Geraghty (Vanuatu): didn’t get a chance to play because a Sole Survivor(!) couldn’t cross a beam.
Jonathan Libby (Palau): didn’t even get on a tribe… one choice cost him
Aaron Reisberger (China): jobbed by a thrown challenge
Joe Dowdle (Tocantins): medical evac is a tough way to get jobbed
Carolina Eastwood (Tocantins): blindsided on the show, and then by Alicia in real life
Marisa Calihan (Samoa): famously jobbed by Russell by standing up to him
John Fincher (Samoa): gets the upper hand of Russell and then pays the price
Brenda Lowe (Nicaragua, Caramoan): jobbed by Dawn’s teeth…
Francesca Hogi (Redemption Island, Caramoan): a no brainer, she should get another chance
Jim Rice (South Pacific): jobbed by not being invited back for S31
Mikayla Wingle (South Pacific): jobbed by Brandon’s libido… But did Playboy, so she’s in!
Christina Cha (One World): jobbed by Colton and Alicia
Kourtney Moon (One World): my lowest ranked player deserves a chance to play the game once
Angie Layton (Philippines): Being on any other tribe would have helped her game
Garrett Adelstein (Cagayan): should have brought that idol to FT!
Nadiya Anderson (San Juan del Sur): if your identical twin wins, you must be capable of more
So Kim (World’s Apart): notwithstanding my cheeky comments, she barely got her feet wet
Jennifer Lanzetti (Kaôh Rōng): that epic FT meltdown jobbed yourself, but oh, what might have been…
Figgy Figueroa (Millennials vs. Gen X): jobbed by those stupid hormones. Needs another chance…
Jessica Lewis (Millennials vs. Gen X): I’m gonna include her now because, well, you know.
The best thing that came of this whole topic is Coach’s reaction:
Benjamin Coach Wade @the_real_coach Mar 12
@BF_TheFish @So_Kim @TheChristinaCha @NadiyaaAnd @JeffProbst best #jobbed list I’ve ever seen actually
I’ll take that. Always nice to get some recognition from a Survivor Hall of Famer. Alright, then, let’s move on to tonight’s episode. It’s a regular one, so Mr. Fish is feeling very happy about that. Looks like sleep is possible tonight. Time to crack open episode 2…
Previously on, Survivor!
-Jeff is still calling them Game Changers. Not sure why…but I think they need to use up all the letterhead and business cards with that on it, so he’s keeping up the charade…
-Mana is losing, Nuku is winning…
-And Sandra is still a bitch… Let’s hope all this talk of being the Queen will spell her demise.
The sun rises after Tribal (as always, duh) and we’re immediately flown onto the beach where Jeff is waiting. Can we already be at a Reward/Immunity Challenge? Seems kinda early for that, but you know Jeff. Always a trick up that blue sleeve…
Nuku gets its first look at the new Mana, and seeing that Tony was excised, I’m sure Nuku realizes Mana is here to play. Sarah is particularly shocked to see that Tony is gone, because this means that she has one less person to align with/backstab…
Jeff asks if anyone knows what’s about to happen, and based on all the blank stares, it’s evident a lot of these players have moved on with their lives after playing the game. But not Zeke.
“Uh, we’re about to swap,” he blurts out.
“That’s right, Plecostomus, drop your buffs”…
And Jeff produces the platter that will either seal their fate, or pave their way to the end…
Everyone reluctantly selects a new buff, and instructs them to reveal, resulting in the following 3 new tribes:
Mana
Debbie
Sierra
Hali
Tai
Brad
Caleb
Jeff points out that Hali and Caleb are the only ones from the original Mana to stick around, and I wonder if any of that really matters. There are so many relationships already established before this season, you gotta wonder if tribes that have existed for 6 days really means anything to these seasoned players.
And now Jeff is asking about Tai and Caleb’s previously relationship in the Beauty tribe, and whether they’re still an item, and all Tai can say is,
“I’m still looking for that kiss…”
Uh, ok, moving on, Homeo and Juliet…
Nuku
Michaela
Malcolm
J.T.
Sandra
Aubry
Varner
Jeff points out that J.T. is the only one from the original Nuku tribe. Sucks to be J.T…
Tavua
Troyzan
Cirie
Andrea
Sarah
Zeke
Fat Ozzy
And once again, one person is alone, and that’s Troyzan this time. But he’s gonna look for that silver lining, and hopefully he won’t have to endure any of that, “You were on the worst season of Survivor, dude!” banter from his tribe.
Tavua is given a map to their new home, a flint, and that’s it. Run along and make a new shelter, kids, because you just got Probsted! And as Jeff hits them with the reality of what they’re going back to – a meager selection of items at camp – the only thought I have is how gorgeous Andrea looks on Day 7 while everyone else is falling apart. Gotta love those German genes, fraulein!
“Anything is possible,” Jeff tells them and sends them off.
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Well I see you have some pent up sarcasm built up ! Let it out ,let it out . Great recap ! Extra funny and snide just like we like it ! Caleb may not be a rocket scientist but damn he impressed me with his class ! The friendship between him and Tai should be an inspiration to us all ! Tai is another class act but just an awful player . He just cant stop making mistakes ! He will be gone soon ! If they ever have a reality TV award show ( shocked they don’t yet ) Troyzan s theatrics in getting the immunity idol should be a life time achievement award ! I watched 4 times ! I was so looking forward to this season but so far not at all impressed . Hopefully these “game changers” turn it up a notch soon !
GO OREGON DUCKS !!!!
Thanks for a great recap, per usual. I appreciate the sarcasm! My only issue with #jogged is that most of those players went out so early I can’t remember them. So thanks for going back through the seasons for us to refresh 🙂 Man, I love Coach. I’m slightly disappointed he’s not on this season.
Speaking of this season, I agree with Rick. I was so excited for it and am feeling slightly let down. I’m not at all a Troyzan fan, but you do have to respect his idol finding abilities. I also appreciated the way Caleb went out. How stupid are these people? Keep your tribe strong. It’s not like Caleb was smart enough to make it to the end anyway. It’s my biggest frustration…that and splitting the vote for no reason. I’m glad the show came up with a way to curb the splitting of votes at every tribal.
I’ve got to say, I did laugh at the Michaela line calling Sandra out as the villain. That was pretty spot on.
And, I was rooting for Duke…those losers 🙂
(S)he’s a cold hearted snake …… LOVE IT! And you are right, Michaela’s comment was right on.
I want to just punch some of these dummies. Why o why would you get rid of one of two strong people on your tribe? Get rid of Debbie first. Even Tai is slightly more useful, but his mouth is going to get him in trouble. Didn’t he tattle the entire time he played the first time? They have got to realize you do not tell Tai your plans. He just blabs them to everyone. All in all though, I think they should have tossed Debbie. If they stick with three tribes for awhile, this one is toast.
Thanks for making me laugh out loud! You are great.
Just wanted to make sure I respond to you guys, since you took the time to write in…
Rick: Thank you! Yeah, Caleb seems like a good dude, and Tai just seems lame. The fact you can see on his face when he’s conflicted means he’s not meant for a game like Survivor. I hope he just fades away… Unfortunately, he’ll be a goat again and think he’s playing a good game. And yeah, the fact Troyzan is acting so much just bugs me. It’s a freaking reality show, just be happy but don’t play it up… That’s the point, right? Go UCLA!
Jen: Thank you, ma’am! And yeah, #JOBBED is basically saying “We didn’t see enough of you.” But there are some exceptions, of course: Brenda, Christina, Angie… Meow! I agree the Split Vote twist to Rocks was a good decision. Makes tribes go for broke instead of pussy foot around a vote. Sorry about Duke, blame that Grayson kid and his shitty karma.
rsanon: Welcome back! And thank you, I am so glad to please… I really don’t get the whole votes sometimes. I know the players — deep down — are also thinking about making big moves so their Survivor resume is weightier (is that a word?), because they’re all trying to plot their course to come back again. Just make the moves that help you NOW. Get rid of Debbie because she’s a weirdo and unsightly, and keep Caleb for challenges. Duh…
Now go read today’s column!
Fish