I’m a bitch, I’m a bitch,
Oh, the bitch is back
Stone cold sober as a matter of fact
Let’s get this clear, straight away…I am not sober.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, your friendly neighborhood Fish is back to amuse you, confuse you, and drink booze with you… Who’s got the first round?
Before we dig into Season 34, there are a few things I wanted to go over first. In case you’re new to the column, please be prepared for some R-rated banter. Some X-rated thoughts, some boozy references, a lot of Survivor knowledge, and perhaps a d**k joke or two. Hope you don’t mind. There are deep recesses in my brain that only get visited on Wednesday nights, so forgive me if I cross a line with you. But don’t sweat the small stuff, babe. I’m just going for a laugh…
Alrighty then… Time to move on to props. Gotta throw it out to Mr. Reality Steve who’s been supporting my habit for 7 seasons now. (Damn, it’s been a long time, thank god he’s not my dealer!). Without the generosity of Mr. Carbone, the Fish would be posting a column for a few housewives in Kansas City, Saskatoon, and Nashville, but thanks to his incredibly popular website, I can also reach folks in Montreal, Cornwall, and Turkey, apparently… So, thank you, Steve, for giving me this forum, and supporting my habit. Frickin’ enabler! 😉
Let’s move on to Season 34. First of all, I hate the theme Game Changers. That may apply to a few people in this cast, but did most of these players change the game? I say no. Tony did. And that’s about it. Did Sandra change the game? Or did she just play under the radar and play to the jury? Did J.T. change the game when he foolishly helped Russell? Ah, no… Did Sarah change the game when she got jobbed by Tony? Again, no.
But, I don’t wanna come down too hard on this season because I really think this is going to be an awesome one. We have a cast of 20 players, all of whom could possibly win. All except one, who shall remain nameless. However, I will give you hint. Her name rhymes with Bitchcaela… Oops, I guess that doesn’t rhyme.
Aside from her, everyone else could do some damage, so let’s take an early look at the competitors. Unlike past seasons, where I’ve ranked or predicted who I think is gonna win, I’ll simply categorize people in 3 ways:
Perceived Threats
Under the Radar Threats
Non-Threats
Here we go…
Perceived Threats:
Ozzy Lusth – challenge god, well-liked, is due…
Caleb Reynolds – after the evac, everyone expects more. Dude did come in 4th on BB…
Tony Vlachos – does anyone think he won’t try just as hard as before?
Malcolm Freberg – hungry for it. Can he reach his potential?
Brad Culpepper – just seems to compete harder than others
Under the Radar Threats:
Andrea Boehlke – Would be a FT goddess, if she can only reach it.
Aubry Bracco – we know she can think, but can she be liked?
Ciera Eastin – all the tools. Needs the right alliance.
Hali Ford – A thinker, a speaker, a player. No “No Collar” b.s. to hold her back this time.
Sarah Lacina – She’s owed a strong season. Me likey her chances.
Zeke Smith – dude knows how to scramble. I like his chances if he’s not cast out early.
Jeff Varner – Who doesn’t want Varner to make FT?
Non-threats:
Sandra Diaz-Twine – Does anyone think she could win? No.
Cirie Fields – Too vanilla to win. Can I even use that flavor?
Troyzan Robertson – Seriously? Against these players? Maybe on One World, not here…
Sierra Dawn Thomas – Just too damn sweet to be brought to FT by anyone.
J.T. Thomas – Dude shot his wad on Tocantins. Proved it on Heroes vs. Villains.
Tai Trang – Uh, no. You can’t come back from that FT performance against these players
Debbie Wanner – Has “goat” written all over her.
Michaela Bradshaw – Must I even comment…?
So, if you’re looking for me to make any predictions on who I think is going to win, I gotta say I have no idea. All the moving parts of Survivor are a bit easier to predict when you have obvious slouches, but in this cast, there are no real slouches. Except Judge Smails, he’s a tremendous slouch.
BTW, in case you missed Reality Steve’s podcast near the end of last season, he brought up an interesting idea: What if Survivor had contestants vote for the winner at the Reunion show, instead of Final Tribal. That way they’d have the chance to watch the season unfold, reward a player for the way they played the whole season, and think about how they came across in the edit, rather than only based on the limited exposure they saw at Final Tribal?
Steve, being as big of a Survivor fan as most of us, just wondered What If. He thought I may be a good candidate to write about it, so he contacted me and asked if I would. I thought about it and you know what? First of all, it’ll never happen. We know that from the get go. But What If…? I looked at all the seasons, and here’s what I think.
There are a few seasons that might change. Might being the key word. See below for my brief comment on every season.
Survivor Seasons
Borneo – it’d be sacrilege to even discuss changing the format on this season. It’s the archetype for the franchise. It is perfect in its form. Moving on…
Australian Outback – Here’s one where I think the jury got it wrong. Colby deserved to win. Period.
Africa – Ethan would have won, regardless.
Marquesas – The only way to discuss changing the format is by completely throwing out the finalists. One of the worst seasons ever…
Thailand – No way Brian doesn’t win.
The Amazon – I always thought Matthew played a stronger game than Jenna, but can’t say the jury would have changed their minds.
Pearl Islands – You telling me someone else woulda voted for Lillian?
All-Stars – You can’t change the results of Survivor’s first true Power Couple.
Vanuatu – Another candidate for worst finalists ever. I don’t even wanna think about this season anymore.
Palau – Tom should have been given 2 million for his domination of this season. Nothing would change.
Guatemala – I don’t think the results would’ve changed.
Panama – Aras was the man. Nothing would change.
Cook Islands – While Yul was a great winner, I always thought this was Ozzy’s season for how he dominated challenges.
Fiji – Earl in a landslide… Set in stone.
China – The first of the “weak dudes” winning. Not sure anyone would change their votes, but I always wanted Amanda to get naked win.
Micronesia – Can’t argue with Parvati’s win. Amanda played too timidly.
Gabon – How could Bob not win this season? Nothing would change.
Tocantins – A sweep is a sweep is a sweep…
Samoa – The one season where this could have made a difference. However, I would never justify voting for Russell because he never understood the most important part of the game – the social aspect… You can win without winning challenges, but you gotta be good with the people…
Heroes vs. Villains – I still don’t know why Parvati didn’t win this season. What else do you have to do? We should all be talking about Parv as the Queen of Survivor with 2 wins!
Nicaragua – Maybe if the cast had been reminded how dumb Fabio played, they would have changed their vote to Chase or Sash. Maybe…
Redemption Island – No way this would ever change. Rob ran this season like a boss.
South Pacific – In my opinion, Coach deserved this season. Maybe the players would have changed had they seen how he did it.
One World – Kim deserved to win. Another choice for worst season ever.
Philippines – Can we even entertain the idea that Skupin could have won? No, my attorney says I can’t even suggest it…
Caramoan – Another lame group of finalists, and another season I’d like to reshuffle the finalists and have any combination of Eddie, Brenda, Andrea, Reynold or Malcolm be competing at Final Tribal.
Blood vs. Water – Nostalgically, my first season recapping Survivor (a single tear hits the keyboard). However, this is another example of someone dominating the season. Tyson wins no matter what.
Cagayan – Tony follows up Tyson’s bulldozer of a season with one of his own. Nothing would change.
San Juan del Sur – Don’t think there’s enough gunpowder here to change the results. Natalie still wins.
Worlds Apart – Mike crushed this season (check my rankings) and what, someone else would’ve voted for s**thead Will?
Cambodia – How can you argue with a 10-0-0 sweep…?
Kaôh Rōng – There’s an argument here that Aubry could’ve stolen it from Michele. But then she wouldn’t be a “game changer!”
Millennials vs. Gen X – I still say Ken should have won. Would the players have changed that? Probably not. But I still think it’s b.s. Adam was brought on with that surefire backstory…
One thing is clear. Juries reward finalists who are social, not just strategic. So, good night, Russell. So, unless he’s grown up a little when he plays Survivor: Legends, he’ll never win.
In review, here are the seasons that could have changed, if players voted after watching their season:
Australian Outback
Cook Islands
Samoa
Heroes vs. Villains
Nicaragua
Kaôh Rōng
Millennials vs. Gen X
My brother my brother my brother . Good to see you back . I got this round Crown ( I am a whiskey man ) Blue ( only the best for you my friend ) I agree that changing when the final votes are made would have changed a few seasons . I would love to hear from Tribal members if they may have voted differently ! This comment will be all about Tony . One we have all season to talk about everyone but Cierra . Two because I agree that Cierra is the most over rated player EVER !!!! Tony is truly a game changer . Why wait for clues . Just go find the idols . Simple but yet never done before . Tony truly changed the game . Tony why ??? Why Tony ???? You get the chance to hear a conversation not meant for your ears and you cant not get involved ! Tony for such a loud boisterous guy you mostly checked your ego and played a great game last time . Not this time . You had to lose your cool ! I was so hoping to see a long run from you !!! Damn you ! I read an interview after he was eliminated and in Tony fashion who owned up to what he did ! Fish looking forward to a great season . Feel free to send any swag to my boss lady ! Lets me read and talk Survivor at work plus lets me bring in my puppy ! She would love a piece of Malcolm Survivor History ( or just a piece of Malcolm ) .
Hey Fish. So glad you are back. Your biggest fan is here again. 🙂 I was so bummed Tony was out so fast, though I agree he should have tried to lay low and played up how he could help the team. Even joking about finding an idol was so dumb. It will be boring without him. Sandra is like a fat old witch. I hope she is out soon. The only good thing was seeing Ciera, who for some reason thinks she is an amazing player, be voted out first. YAAAA. No, I do not like the idea of players getting the chance to revote after watching the season. That would skew the whole game. The whole point of the game is them having the skill to outlast knowing what each player knows, and dealing with others and what they may or may not know. There would be less of a reason to talk to others etc if you could just see all of their private conversations after the fact. I am actually really surprised they would have Zeke the geek and rude Michela back. Neither of them were game changers. Why not some of the stars from the last season. What about Ken, or Jay or at least someone in the top 5. (not hanna, noooo) I also agree Tony was stupid to jump out and confront Sandra and Troy. The way I saw it (and maybe a lot was edited out), Sandra was just playing along with Troy. Tony should have waited to see if Sandra came to him to tell him about the conversation with Troy. I actually thought Sandra and Tony had a moment of brilliance when they said they only way they could win was if the 3 winners went to the end together. What happened to that logic? I guess egos got in the way. JT so far seems the only one who is a bit more humble. Anyway, lots to talk about and I’m glad we can ride it out together. You are the best recapper ever!!! -K
Pasty, bloated contestants – I was thinking is this how they always start and I never remember? I have a friend whose “type” is Survivor chick day 34.
Hey Fish! Glad to see you back at it this season, and very glad to hear your circumstances are much better! I look forward to reading your hilarious recaps and peeing my pants, week after week! (Oh, and of course, ogling Ozzy and Malcom week after week too!)
Hello, everyone! Thank you all for your well wishes. It’s great to be back. And golly gee willikers, I missed you guys…
Rick, Drink up, man! Enjoy the day, buddy. Yeah, it would be interesting to know if anyone would change. Probst likes to ask juries if they wouldn’t changed their vote knowing this or that, but I’m not sure people remember every detail from when they shot the show. It is like, 7 or 8 months later when the reunion show shoots. Who knows? I’m convinced most players solely say things they think will get them invited back, rather than telling the truth, but what do I know? Agreed on Ciera, and yes! Tony, why? Just lurk and listen, why get involved? I think Tony just decided to play balls to the wall, throw away any convention of playing smart, and just tried to be entertaining. We loved it, but we would have loved it for a lot longer… How’s the saying go? “Me love you, long time, Tony”… Still deciding what to do with the swag. I think a contest of some kind, but what? Gotta mull it over… And thanks for your dedicated comments!
Kate, you are just so awesome. Loving you…! I think you’re right about voting at the Reunion. As I said (and as Steve said) they’d never do it. It was just a “what if?” to fill a few paragraphs… Yeah, I don’t know what they were thinking bringing Michaela back. It just doesn’t make ANY sense. I think Figgy, Jay or Bret woulda been better than her, but I always wonder how people could just take another 7 or 8 weeks off. Don’t these people have jobs? I understand why Ken wouldn’t do it, having a young daughter and being a single dad, but who really knows what their lives are like at home? Totally agree with you on what Tony should have done. Test Sandra, and then burn her when/if she fails you. I really don’t know if he was into it… And thank you, ma’am, for your patronage. I bet you say that to all your recappers… XO
Erica, hey OC! What’s happening? Thanks for coming back for another season. I promise I’ll try to be funnier this week… I know, right? Looks like everyone fattened up for market. I saw Ciera’s thighs at the water station and I was like, “What happened to her? Freshman 40?” I knew there’s a reason I started liking Asian women… But I gotta say there’s something sexy about a Kelly Wentworth Day 34 diet…
JL, thank you for being so sweet. Yes, much better. And I hope my improving conditions will be reflected in my writing. Perhaps I won’t be such a snotty bitch when I start seeing all the positives. Hope to not let you down. And let’s hope Ozzy has a deep run so he gets back to his playing weight… I kinda don’t want to see him climbing any trees in his current condition… XO
And thanks to everyone who read the column but didn’t get a chance to write in. I get it, it’s a pain to register for another site, but please try. Or just send me an email, or a tweet, or whatever. I do love the interaction. Hope you all enjoy the season and I hope I touch you all in some way. That sounded really dirty… Fine, let it be dirty…
XO
Fish
Fish (and friends)! I’m so glad everybody is back for another exciting season. Can’t wait to get started with these fools! Fish I don’t think I ever properly thanked you for the link to Ozzy and “Ozzy, Jr”. Soooo, ummm…thanks? I guess 🙂 Full disclaimer, I “accidentally” clicked on the link to the Jeff Probst nudes and I almost left my husband. He doesn’t know that.
But seriously, I’m really am thankful that you are back and in a good place. I was worried about the aquarium while we were all away.
Onward and upward. Ozzy is no longer in my freebie five. I mean, I don’t want to sound like a shallow bitch, but if the shoe fits…Ozzy, WTF? What happened to your adorable abs and cute man bun? You can still dive into the water like a champ, but Malcolm is creeping up the ranks.
Breakdown of some other notables: Caleb is darling, but is he really a “game changer?” He almost died during a challenge, but that doesn’t make you a game changer. I hate Michaela with a fiery passion. I loathe Troyzan. Who is Hali? Tony needs to tone it down a notch or seven. I agree that Ciera is overrated. I can’t stand her. You voted out your mom. Big f’ing deal. Errrrgh. Sandra. Get a good wax job and your pits will last you a solid 3 weeks. And even then, they won’t look like a neanderthal after the fur starts growing back. Varner is worthless. Has he ever been a game changer?
I’ve had some wine tonight so I literally can’t remember what I’ve already typed. Here’s the gist: I love you all. Ozzy is bloated, but he’ll look better in a couple of weeks. Malcolm is adorable but probably too young for me. JT also needs the survivor diet. I’m a shallow bitch. I miss Tony already.
Hey, hey, Jen! What’s going on? Yes, I’ve heard/seen that JP is worthy of leaving husbands and/or going “the gay.” I’m not in that fold, but I’d like to watch…
And thank you for caring. I’m glad most of you have been so supportive of my sitch, and not been all judgmental and all…
I like to joke around about Fat Ozzy, but WTF? And what’s with that scar on his face? Surfing accident? Chef at Gjelina throw a knife? Porn chick pull a switch? Do tell, fatso…
I love your honesty. Sometimes you gotta take the filter away and just type…drunk. No judgment here, that’s how I write the column. And if anyone “normal” judges, or condemns, or whatever, then fuck them in the butt. We’re drinking and enjoying life… Onward!
And btw, column will be up tomorrow (Monday). That’s life. Deal with it. And it’s a shame because it’s friggin’ funny this week. Moving on…