The others return to camp to rehash what just happened, and the gist is that Adam realizes loyalty is high and David is thanking his lucky stars he’s not on the jury right now. Ken mentions to Adam how dangerous Bret would have been if he made FT, but Adam explains that since Bret wasn’t a challenge threat that made David more dangerous. Adam’s just sore things didn’t go his way, and doesn’t really care when Hannah explains that she did the only move she could do to get to FT. Because had she turned on Ken and voted out David, there’s no way she would have ended up there. Adam’s just annoyed, and can’t hide his displeasure. He feels they just let David get one challenge away from making FT, where he thinks Mr. Anxiety would be a lock to win. Seriously?
“We have to win tomorrow…” Adam grunts.
It’s Day 38 and we’re headed to our final Immunity Challenge. Thankfully for David, it’s a dry one. In it, players will have to use a pole to hold a wooden bowl, and maneuver it through a channel that sits atop a giant spring. When they work the bowl out of the top, they stack the bowls. And with the wire channel mounted on the spring, any time you hit the sides, the structure sways. Plus, with the wind blowing, that could also topple their structures. Whoever can stack 13 bowls, or has the most bowls after 30 minutes will be victorious.
This challenge is apparently called Operation Balance Build, and has been used previously on One World (Kim’s final immunity challenge) and on Blood vs. Water (Redemption Island duel where Candice and Marissa edged Rupert). So there you go…
The challenge gets under way and there are different methods to their madness. There’s the rush-rush-rush approach of David and Adam, compared to Ken’s methodical, try not to hit the edges style. Both have their advantages, as David places his bowl first, but Ken’s tortoise approach may be better suited for this race. Everyone continues at his or her own pace so there’s no clear leader. But eventually there is someone in last and that’s David, who distances himself even farther when he hits his structure and all his bowls fall to the ground.
Ken places his 11th bowl while Adam is taking a more “watch and see” approach. He’s noticing how the wind is starting to pick up, affecting the towers, and wants to see if it’ll knock over the others’ stacks. Even without a gust, Hannah’s tower falls and she has to start over. With the count at Ken-11 and Adam-10, David openly roots on Ken, who goes to place bowl #12. At the same time, Adam steps off his platform, hoping the wind might blow down Ken’s erection… (oh behave!)
Just as he places bowl #12, the whole stack falls, forcing Ken to rewind the porn and start over from the part where the girls realize they’re hungry and decide to order a pizza…
And while Adam is about to feel superior for his master plan, he watches his whole stack fall to the ground, because that’s what you get for playing defensively in Survivor. Suddenly, with everyone suffering major setbacks, it’s David in the lead with 4 bowls – er, make that 2 bowls as he knocks over half his stack stupidly – so now Barfbie is in the lead with 4 bowls, but Ken is racing to catch up with his showmance.
With 2 minutes left in the challenge, Hannah is at 10 bowls, Ken is at 9, David is working on his 6th, and Adam is – once again, playing like a p**sy and – sitting on 8 bowls. Ken is now close to tying Hannah while David suffers yet another fall. Back to square one for the fruit bat.
With one minute to go, Ken waits to place the tying bowl, and Hannah has a panic attack next to her tower. Adam continues to watch, but we established he likes to do that a while back when he was spying on Figtails…
30 seconds left and Ken finally places the tying bowl. 10 each for him and Hannah. He heads over to his table and grabs his 11th bowl, hoping to snatch victory away from Hannah at the last second. Adam just sits by, hoping these two towers fall in the closing seconds. With Probst counting down the last 10 seconds, Ken realizes he can’t make it through the channel and just freezes, not wanting to send his stack to the ground. Jeff calls “time!” and we have a tie between Hannah and Ken. It’s tie-breaker time…
Jeff states the rules: it’s a 5-minute showdown. Whoever has more bowls stacked wins, or if you can get to 13 bowls, you win automatically. Rather than wondering who’s going to win this challenge, I can only wonder how much Taylor would be giggling throughout this challenge with all the mentions of “bowls.” Thankfully, he’s not here…
Jeff calls “go” and we’re off. Ken starts more aggressively while Hannah plays tortoise this time. Even Probst knows that may not be the best approach in a 5-minute sprint, and calls her out on it. With a one bowl lead, the wind picks up, forcing Ken to hold off on placing anything. When he’s finally able to resume, he’s still holding a small lead, and from the angle of Hannah’s stack, it looks like she may be in trouble of losing them. But who knows? Maybe she’s gotten lucky with crooked erections…?
One minute left to go and Ken is up one bowl. He places his 6th bowl while Hannah is about to place her 6th. Ken races to grab his 7th and hurries through the channel while Jeff announces there’s 10 seconds left. Ken maneuvers his bowl out of the channel and only needs to place it successfully to win…and does so, with only seconds to spare. He raises his arms victoriously and celebrates his greatest Immunity victory. He falls to the ground, in tears, knowing his just got a step closer to bringing a million bucks home to his daughter. Fingers crossed he can.
They return to Vinaka and David is celebrating Ken’s victory almost as much as Ken is. David knows Ken is loyal, and – at worse – David will have to go to a fire-making challenge against Adam to reach FT. Which isn’t a threat to David because he’s been making fire since he stopped being scared of his own shadow. Meanwhile, Adam confirms with Hannah that he’s voting for David – no duh – as will Hannah, but she needs to be the one to deal with Ken.
She steals away with Ken to discuss her new “flip-flopper” label, but says she’s always been loyal to Ken. He agrees, and says the two of them have received the “idiot” label because they’ve remained loyal, and because Ken believes in trust and the human relationship. He keeps mentioning how he’s been bonded with David since Day 1, and how that approach to the game has dictated all his decisions.
But she keeps mentioning that if they take David to the FT, they’ll lose outright, because he’s played the best game. Which makes some sense, but all I keep thinking is, why aren’t Ken’s four Immunity Challenge wins holding any weight in these discussions? I’m always lost when it comes to these last few decisions… Hannah is essentially comparing Ken to Woo, and how they live by a different code, which may not be the way to win Survivor, but it’s how they live.
And back at camp, Adam and David are having a straightforward discussion about NEEDING to take each other out, because it’s the only move they both have left. Adam realizes that if Hannah can’t sway Ken to vote out David, then he’s going to the fire-making challenge, and we can see that Adam is as good as making fire as Hannah is at bathing. No offense, stinky…
Ken returns from fishing and while skinning a stingray, he and David share one final conversation about tonight’s vote, and it comes down to David fully trusting Ken, and Ken being suddenly at a loss for words on how to express that David is safe. Foreboding, isn’t it…? Ken guts the stingray with a knife… What? They couldn’t find a fruit bat for symbolism?
The sun sets and the players make their way to Tribal for the penultimate time. Ken is still debating what to do, and we won’t know until the votes are cast. After they sit, the jury is called in and this time it’s Bret with an “A” in Stink-Eye 101. Man, those gay dudes get bitchy…
Jeff opens the discussion, but essentially it’s David vs. Adam, David + Ken = loyalty, David > Adam, and Hannah thinking Bret was talking about her with his final words/threat. Ken simply sits back and states that everyone is smart, everyone is cool, and everyone could be sitting with him at FT. His most telling statement of the season is when he mentions that “there comes a time when you have to decide what is the most important and how does that dictate your decisions.”
Ouch, looks like Ken’s got a big brain on him tonight. Could he be pulling a Natalie Tenerelli play on Ashley Underwood? Let’s see… It’s time to vote. Votes are cast and Jeff tallies… No Hidden Idols of course…
David
Adam
David
David
Boom goes the fruit bat as Ken’s biggest ally just became a jury member. Let’s hope that works to his advantage rather than the opposite, because when you’re known for being loyal, it’s a tough sell to suddenly turn 180 degrees… We’ll see.
David leaves graciously and thanks everyone for playing “his ultimate dream” with him. I presume he’s leaving the game better than he arrived. Which he echoes in his final comments. Good on ya, David, let’s hope you’re writing will reflect the growth you went through on the show…
Day 39 breaks, which is always a glorious day on Survivor. Just that number. 39. It signifies so much to the players, to us fans, and to anyone who’s ever aspired to play the game. And regardless of who is sitting there watching the sunrise, we feel just a little more connected to them.
Ah, who the hell am I kidding? It’s Hannah, and I could really care less she’s here. There’s no way she’s winning, and the fact she can’t just say, “I’m a goat, don’t ask me any questions,” annoys me.
And it’s pissing Ken off how chatty the final two Millennials are as they watch the sunrise. Just STFU, he wails, as they continue to talk over the beauty that surrounds them. He continues to mention how he’s played an “old school” game, a game of loyalty, and a hard worked game, and considering how successful he was at challenges, it should be a no brainer that Ken brings home the title, right?
Hannah and Adam are more interested in the final meal and indulging in eggs, bagels and red wine. Each player then describes their own personal growth, and what they need to do to bring home the victory, but I don’t care what they have to say about themselves. I wanna see how they respond to the jury. Let’s just cut to the chase… Torches are grabbed and the final trek to FT commences.
Everyone files in and JP congratulates the remaining players and scares the bejesusbells outta them by saying the jury’s been waiting a long time to bring the rain. Let’s hope this jury lives up to everything that’s needed to save this season…
Taylor opens the questioning and let’s see what softball the stoner throws… He claims to be indecisive and wants to hear what each player is pitching. Hannah claims to be a devious player who put everyone on the jury. Ken’s pitch is that he was loyal in the game, which is rare. Adam claims he played the best game and was able to keep the players he wanted around him. Prediction: Adam
Sunday wants to know how each player was adaptable, and did they live up to their label of Millennial or Gen-X. Ken claims to be a true Gen-X, and says he was rigid in his decision, compared to being a flipper… Adam starts to contrast the gameplay of Ken and Hannah, and then states he’s a combination of the two, but then Hannah chimes in that the decisions she made to take out Sunday was due to the game being constantly moving, and she felt it was necessary. Adam likens it to “going rogue,” which Hannah doesn’t agree with. Prediction: Ken
Jessica steps up and I’m ready for her to drop a bomb on this Tribal. Let’s see how the heavy metal attorney brings hellfire… Her only question is to Ken, and she wants to find out how he turned on his first true ally, David. Ken tears up and says that David was his #2 ally, after his daughter. And the only reason he took out David was for her. Prediction: Ken
Will tells Ken that he respects him more for voting out David than for all the loyalty BS that Ken had been throwing all game. He asks Adam about the Bret move and others, where Adam didn’t get the votes to work in his favor. Adam claims those votes were the times Hannah went rogue and it was out of his control. Hannah retorts that if Adam had gotten his way, she would have lost Ken’s trust for the remainder of the game. Prediction: Ken
Zeke steps up – barefooted – and tells Ken that while he may have provided, he didn’t contribute to the evolution of the game. This evidently means a lot to Zeke, because he’s gay and gay men love to make grand statements about nothing in particular. That said, Adam states that he knows the game has become a battle of big personalities leading the weak, but his approach was to have others take the lead, but to be there when each of them fell. Hannah answers that Adam is a big lying poop head, and she’s responsible for most of the jury being there. Probably not the best approach when trying to win over jury votes, dummy… Prediction: Adam
Michelle asks Hannah how many votes she was on the wrong side of, and Hannah gets the answer wrong. Adam is asked why his victories should overshadow his blunders and this leads to another heated dialogue between Hannah and Adam. Oh Jesus, can they just sleep with each other and get rid of all this tension? No question for Ken. Why? I think she’s secretly in love with him but angry he indulged in pre-marital sex. Prediction: Adam
Bret strolls up and asks Ken when he started playing the game. Ken replies it was when he approached Jessica early and made her feel like she had a home with him, David and CeCe. He then wants Adam to explain the David vote, but this leads to a bi*chfest with Ken about being underestimated. Prediction: Adam, I guess…
Jay has only one question, and it’s for Adam. Why didn’t he use Jay to take out David? Adam begins to show the emotions that have been haunting him (and us) all season, and tells Jay “you know why I’ve been playing like this.” Jay gives him an out to keep quiet about it, but this is Adam’s chance to exploit his family crisis to win a million bucks, and he’s going to go for it. “You were in the way,” he sobs to Jay. Prediction: Adam
Chris steps up, and with such a lackluster Tribal, I’m hoping he can bring fire. This Final Tribal has been the only thing I’m looking forward to this season, and I’m seriously disappointed with the questions that have been asked. Let’s see what the trial attorney/ex-football player will bring to the table… He basically says that David is the greatest player in the history of Survivor, and the only person left who devised David’s downfall deserves everyone’s votes. And that’s Adam. OMFG!
And before I go any farther, I got to call BS on this contrived, false, and misleading question by Chris. Not only is he wrong for thinking Adam convinced Ken of anything (Hannah is the only one who spoke to Ken, remember) but it was Ken who made the decision to take out David. So not only is Chris’ question wrong, it’s heavy enough to convince the others to change their votes. This is some Erik Cardona s**t right here…
And despite Ken’s assertion that he, and only he, made the decision to take out David, Chris sits down with the smugness of an attorney who just convicted an innocent man of murder. And you know what, f**k that piece of s**t Okie cowf**ker for thinking his opinion is the only correct one. Typical of a jarhead football player who’s always been told he’s “the man,” and typical of an attorney who knows he only needs to believe his own lies for them to be deemed true. What a true piece of s**t… Prediction: Adam (but I hope Oklahoma loses their bowl game this year)
David closes things out and immediately starts talking about himself. But after getting through that, he asks the three players what transformations they went through. Hannah replies that she was a dork, and hopes to not be a dork anymore. Ken brings up his social awkwardness and how he needed to overcome that, even here on the island. And the driving force behind his whole game has been his daughter. Adam then opens up (and this is where the good folks at Kleenex are benefitting heartily) about his mom, and how everything he did this season was all about giving her joy. And yeah, he drops in that he found idols and won Immunities, but this is all about the scene he’s making right now, and I’m about ready to unload on this motherf**ker. (Oops, too soon?) Let’s just see how the vote plays out… Prediction: Ken (out of original loyalty)
Enough drama. Jeff sends the jury to the booth and votes are cast. Jeff grabs the urn and a cable comes down to whisk him away. I guess they paid for the helicopter so they might as well use it, right…?
Fast forward to Television City and Jeff saunters in holding Jay’s orange Home Depot bucket. It’s crunch time, let’s see how these dummies screwed it up this season…
Jeff reads the votes.
Adam (he’s already starting to cry; I guess it wasn’t a ruse all season…)
Adam
Adam
Adam
Adam
Adam!
That does it. We have our winner. And I’m…not happy. I’ll tell you why in a sec. Adam tears up and says perfunctory things to Hannah and Ken and beelines for his dad & brother. It’s a nice family moment, and I wouldn’t want to take that away from him.
However, Jeff then reveals that Adam got EVERY SINGLE VOTE and now I’m annoyed. How the f**k could these morons give him every vote? Doesn’t Ken’s 4 Immunity wins and hard work and loyalty mean anything to them? Sure, he turned on David at the end, but THAT’S WHAT YOU GOTTA DO to win Survivor. He did everything he possibly could to get to FT and they just give it to the guy who cries?!
I’ll get to that in a second, because I also wanna throw shade at the jury for being such softie’s in their questioning. What the hell ever happened to making Final Tribal an uncomfortable situation where players have to truly justify their deservedness? What happened to asking pointed questions about big moves that were made? And what the hell happened to good television, Jeff Probst?!
Here’s the problem I have with Adam winning. It was as if the show set him up to win from Day 1. And I’m not talking about helping him find idols – although, that’s a possibility – or win challenges or align properly, I’m talking about putting a guy on a show with such a strong sob story the other players had to vote for him. It’s just not fair.
What the hell is Jessica’s sob story? That she has to hide her tattoo from her co-workers? What is Mari’s? That she didn’t have an HD camera for her vlogs until 2015? What about Rachel? That she can’t have a conversation with a man without him thinking about her tits? And Chris? That he ate dog poop in his audition video? He did that, by the way, so nothing he does shocks me anymore…
And yes, Adam did have to get to Day 39 to play his ace in the hole, but don’t you find it odd that not once this season his job as a homeless shelter coordinator was ever brought up? Not once. Don’t you think there’d be a little cachet in mentioning that once or twice. But no, his whole story arc was about his mom, and it just clinched things for him.
And I think Ken got jobbed royally… The dude was a workhorse. He went beast mode when it counted – after the merge – and he still was able to keep his hands clean. He didn’t even have to chop anyone’s head off until Day 38. Where’s the respect for that?
And most importantly, which I tweeted about yesterday, why wouldn’t you reward a guy who could improve his daughter’s life a little rather than giving it to someone who’s loss is mostly behind him? It’s not like he said, “I’m going to use this money to pay off my mom’s medical bills.” He’s essentially being rewarded for how emotional he is. And that’s not what Survivor is all about…
That’s my opinion and I’ll never waver from that. Let’s just get to the reunion show and see what other BS this group can proffer. Plus, I wanna hear how JP broaches the Figtails situation, and goshdarnit, I better get some close-ups of Rachel and the twins… And there’s the whole S34 reveal, so let’s see what’s in store. And if that f**king Sia bi*ch shows up again, I’m switching over to The Amazing Race recaps…!
We come back from commercial and the entire cast is there. Hmmm…no Vytas?
Jeff asks Adam to remind us of his story but it’s nothing we already haven’t heard a million times – every episode. We learn that he and his mom were almost going to be on the Blood vs. Water season, but when they found out about her condition, that plan went south.
Jeff mentions they gave Adam the chance to come back on another season, so he could spend this precious time with his mother, but she decided he should go. Now, I wrote about this previously, and I don’t think I would have made that same decision. If you know your mom could be leaving this world soon, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t take off for 6 weeks at the most critical time to play a game that I’ve been told I could come back to play later. I know Adam keeps mentioning “my playing gave her joy” shtick, but I’m not buying it.
He even mentions that being away from his family was the hardest part, so I can’t believe I’m too far off base on this. And since I heard that his mom passed away only two days after FT, you know it’s going to be heartbreaking to hear about his family reunion. He tells us that he rushed home to find his mom on her last leg. And as sad as this already is, we find out she died an hour after he got home. Dude…
And rather than sounding like a bigger jerk to Adam than I already am, I’ll just equate this to when I was a kid and my family flew back to Germany to see my grandmother who was on her deathbed. We landed in West Germany and drove across the East into Berlin. As soon as we arrived, we found out what hospital she was in and headed straight there. We rushed inside and my mom was able to see her mother one last time before she passed that night.
So the funny part is…yes, there’s a funny part…everyone always wants to be touchy-feely and say, “OMG, that’s so sweet, she held on just long enough to see you guys one last time.”
But the cynic/comic in me is more inclined to say, “Great, we haven’t seen grandma in years and the night we show up she dies. Seeing us killed her…”
But back to Adam… He says that when he saw her that day he told her he won. Which sounds a little suspect because how could he know that? Did the show count the votes? JP scrambles to cover up Adam’s slip-up and changes the subject to the charity that Adam is going to partner with to help fight cancer. No matter what, that’s great news, so let’s bring this reunion show back to entertainment and stop with all this emotion…
Or, forget that, we’re now getting the David “transformation” story arc from frightened nebbishy guy to a power player who everyone feared. He mentions all the support he’s gotten since his story has been shown and how he can help others with their anxiety issues. That’s great…
Zeke then gets his moment in the sun and shares how cool it was to make former enemies go to rocks for him. That’s what he’s taking away from this season. Until next season… But he leaves with a great comment about how Survivor allowed him realize his full potential because it tested him in ways he never thought possible. Now that’s good TV right there…
Next, we get “the moment of the season,” according to Jeff, where Bret revealed to Zeke about being gay. I do agree it’s the best thing we saw all season, and maybe one of the best moments EVER in Survivor. Seriously. It touched me on many levels, and yes, I realize that’s sounds like the beginning of a joke.
But then Bret gets a chance to tell a bit of his story and I can’t wait for Kevin James to play him on the TV movie that’ll be made about his life…
We’re then subjected to an uncomfortable sequence where we have to hear about how Hannah transformed. Moving on…
Ken is asked about his own social anxieties and what his struggles have been, and I’m reminded that he got as many jury votes as Hannah. Argh! Moving on…
Michaela’s next… Moving on…
Jessica tells us about her rock move, and why she did what she did. I still think going to rocks is the absolute worst thing to do, even if it means that players will disown you. It’s a fluid game. Just go back to work and win them over again. There are very short memories in the game of Survivor…
Will’s next, nice haircut, kid. Dude’s probably lost that virginity by now…
Sunday…nice.
And here we go…Figtails time! Time to dish. Jeff asks for the update. Let’s see who goes low and who goes high. Figgy stays high and says it’s “no more” but it was her choice, her downfall, which she’ll own, being a true Millennial. And when JP asks Taylor about his big news (that he’s now a dad) we get true Taylor gold…
“Uh, yeah, yeah…uh-huh, yeah, yeah.”
Dude, I love that guy…
Chris talks about adaptability and how he’s really in the closet. What a d**k…
And it’s time for the reveal of Season 34. Jeff, roll the teaser!
Lots of game changing moves: sea shells, backstabs, spy shack, shared idols, rocks, and Sandra! Oh shizz, looks like I know who’s getting voted out first… And hopefully second (Michaela). Whatever the result, it looks like it’s going to be a killer season since the players KNOW HOW TO PLAY THE GAME! That’s important nowadays because the last few seasons of new players have been – shall we say – disappointing, in my view. I know there are those of you who think I’m being too critical, but I’ve seen so many dumb moves in the game recently, I can only hope a season of virtual all-stars are exactly what this franchise needs to restore its glory.
Jeff spills the beans that Michaela is playing again, and calls to the stage a few more golden oldies…
Tony Vlachos
Tai (seriously?)
Caleb
Ciera (seriously? 3 times?)
Cirie (seriously? 4 times?)
Sandra (uh, is that even fair…to her?)
Ozzy (yes! and a bevy of porn stars shriek from the studio audience)
I know the entire cast has already been revealed so I’m not going to take the time to go over everyone. I think it’ll be a monumental season and will definitely reinvigorate me to the status of superfan. Lately, I find myself more of a critic, and I’m not liking that. I do love me some Survivor, with great players who understand the franchise. What this show needs is savvy players who know how to play, not all these new clowns who are simply trying to light their 15 minutes of fame without flint.
And recalling what I wrote back in Week 3, there are some significant milestones that can be achieved next season in my Rankings of Every Survivor Player. From the short list above and the teaser, let me remind you:
-With a win, Malcolm, Sandra, or JT could move into the top 3
-Cirie and Ciera could move into the top 5
-Tony, Tai, or Aubry could move up to top 10
-And by making the jury, Ozzy could become the Greatest Survivor Player of All Time overtaking Boston Rob
I know my rankings are debatable, but as the only definitive list of players’ rankings based on accomplishments, there is no subjectivity to it. You last, you beat, you win. I’ll endeavor to post this season’s rankings as soon as possible, and I’m guessing Adam and Ken scored pretty well. We’ll see…
Time is running out and I’m fearing we won’t get any recap – or hear from – Rachel, Mari, Paul, Lucy and CeCe. Hmmm, wonder what those WOC advocates are thinking right now? Not even a 10 second update from each? At least Jeff didn’t go out into the audience and ask some dumb kid what he thinks of Adam crying all season, that would have been pointless.
Jeff throws one quick question to Michelle about the lack of grudges on this cast and the only thing I’m noticing is that giant dragon (or maybe it’s a dinosaur) on her shoulder. Um, right now, a million virgin boys just retired to their rooms to tug one out, I’m sure. That Michelle and her passions. She’s a fascinating young woman.
Well, that’s going to do it for another season of The Greatest Show on Television. Not sure if that’s the way we all wanted it to work out, but there you go. I really don’t think Adam was the best player this season, but I’ve spoken enough about that tonight.
So as we depart into the horizon, hoping to cross paths somewhere down the line again, I want to leave you with one final thought for 2016. It’s been a rough year. For me, for my family, for America (sorry, no politics!). And I’m truly looking forward to what 2017 has in store. As I write this, there’s a possibility that my family – my kids – will once again have to deal with the reality of being homeless. Not the “sleeping in tents on the street” kind of homeless, more like the “we don’t have a home” kinda variety. BTW, that’s the real reason I took last season off. It wasn’t rehab, you bastards! 😉
RealitySteve and I came to an agreement at the beginning of S32 that it was better to focus on my family crisis rather than a petty little TV show that rewards someone a million bucks for acting like a douche half the time. And as much as I wanted to write, Steve was totally right for telling me “not this season, focus on your family.”
So, thank you to Steve for making that call back in February. I may not have wanted to take the season off, but he was totally right. Thankfully, things improved this fall and I was stable enough to come back to the recaps. I truly enjoy writing them, and it seems enough of you are liking the spaghetti I’m throwing at the wall. And for that…thank you.
But as we near the Christmas holiday, and a new year, it looks like things may not be working out once again for the Fish fold. I’m not going to get into all the details but let’s just say that I’m glad this season is finally over. Hopefully, things will turn out for the best, but if not, it was a lot of fun. Regardless, this won’t be the last time you hear from me…
And while I’m not sure what 2017 will bring, I know I can’t look back at 2016. It does no good, serves no purpose. I was just telling someone that we should never look back. Just live your life like you’re writing a book, but realize your book is being writing by other people too. All you can do is accept what’s written and never stop thinking you can’t write another chapter. Accept what’s written and always keep your pencil sharpened, ready to write some more…
I look forward to hearing from you, via email, comments, Twitter, or simply in your prayers. I wish all of you a glorious holiday season and a wonderful new year.
Be well, Survivorverse…
Fondly,
Fish
P.S. Has anyone seen my waitress?
Email: bryan.fish.fischer@gmail.com
Twitter: @BF_TheFish
AIM: bryan.fish.fischer@gmail.com or Bryan Fischer
Hey Fish, Great recap. I agreed with about 99% of what you said. I’ll get to the other 1%. Yes, Ken was screwed (oh my!) I think he truly deserved the win. Why do you think he got such HATE from the jury? I mean, they really acted like they hated Ken. Especially Chris and Bret. Jealous bc he’s better looking than them? Did Bret secretly wish he’d come out to Ken instead of the King Dork, buck toothed doofus Zack? I went this season from liking both Bret and Chris to hating both of them by the end. But back to Adam, yes, once again a sob story wins. What’s even more annoying is that the jury was sitting there patting themselves on the back for this great decision, thinking they had such great reasons, when all it was came down to I think simple jealousy. I think Ken’s looks actually hurt him in the end. BTW, he’s only 33. He’s a total hottie but jeez, I’m 46 and I look younger than him. I couldn’t believe he’s only 33. Anyway, the one think I differ with you on is Bret. Best moment of the season, getting a buzz and telling creepy Zack you like boys too. Does this really deserve congratulations and several precious moments of reunion time? I believe my 12 year old son Jack summed it up best as we watched when he said, “so if I’d said to someone that I like girls, that would have been the best moment of the season?!” Yep! But we can agree to disagree on that. As for Chris, yeah what a dick. He just had to say “since I’m a trial lawyer.” I’m an attorney myself and met my husband in law school. Chris was the kind of guy we hated in law school. And Jessica is an attorney too but yet that seems to have been forgotten. Again, why did Chris hate Ken so much? A few other things. Taylor looked fat. Michela had on the ugliest shade of lipstick and was way too pleased with herself. They will make mince meat out of her on the next season. Figs looked worse at the reunion than she did on the island and I think her mole was bigger. Jeff Probst looked like he’s had some major botox done and it was not a good luck. Did you notice that? And F the stupid transformation talk. How stupid! How did David transform himself? I bet he still hates bugs, still startles easily and still can’t swim. All he did was not die out there or quit. Who the F cares! As for the new season, I am so excited to see Tony back and Caleb. I agree about that stupid Ciera. Both my son and I yelled NOOOO when we saw her. Who likes her!? Glad to see Aubry, Malcom, Ozzy (who I find a bit annoying) and even Tai back. Sandra is also annoying but she is funny. Please let Ciera be voted out first. Good luck with all Fish. You are a great writer, and I hope to see you on Survivor some day!!!
Fish first off thanks for making my Thursday (sometimes Friday ) afternoons a little more bearable by writing this column . Survivor should be decided on gameplay and gameplay only . Of course I have compassion for Adam . However he won a game he didn’t deserve to win . Yes he found some idols . Yes he won some immunities . Yes he made some good moves . He also made some horrible ones . He isn’t the worst player to ever win but he is closer to the bottom than the top . Ok this is where the hate mail starts . I am sure I am in the minority here but here goes . Hannah sold me on her play . Survivor isn’t only about brute strength its about manipulation . Hannah swayed people to vote who she wanted out . She convinced people her way was the best way . She did id all while hiding in the shadow of David and Ken . She let David take all the heat while she made the moves . Hell she almost had David play an idol for her and did get Adam too play one for her ! She singlehandedly talked Ken into flipping on David . Why she didn’t make that more obvious at the final shocked me . She not only made it to the end but got there with the 2 people she wanted to go against ( she had no way of knowing about Adam s mom ) . Yes she is annoying and dirty but she really played the only game she could play . She wasn’t going to win any challenges . She wasn’t a magnetic personality . She played her strengths . She played the innocent non threatening card all the way to final 3 ! Thanks to all fellow commentators for your perspective and humor ( Fred and Barney was best line of season ) . Merry Christmas and the best of New Years to all . Next season should be an all time classic . Come on February !
Fish, thank you for the joy you bring in these recaps. I truly do look forward to them each week. I’m so sorry to hear about your troubles. I’m sending some positive vibes your way! 2016 was a really douchey year and I’m sincerely hoping 2017 gets better. But judging by how the electoral college let me down today (also no politics) and ZsaZsa Gabor is no longer with us, I’m losing hope fast. Ah well, on to Survivor!
So, I almost had a heart attack the first time I read “Barfbie.” I somehow missed the “f” in there. I couldn’t figure out what had happened to you 🙂 Ughhhhh, Hannah. Hubs and I turned her into a drinking game (anytime she touched her hair or her glasses or we caught a glimpse of her teeth we had to drink). Needless to say, we ended up having to rewatch much of the episode the following day as we were a tad fuzzy on all the details.
I think of the final 3, Adam was the correct winner. He made some stupid moves, but played hard the whole time. He was able to recover from his blunders. However, I think Ken deserves a little credit for his game. He won the immunity challenges when it mattered most and made the “big move” of voting David out. I cannot and will not defend Hannah. I’m sure she makes a mean latte, but she really irritated me on the show. I really can’t stand when the sob story wins the season. Sad? Yes. Made me want to root for him? Definitely. Deserving of a million dollars? Not necessarily. I’m with you all that winning should be based on your game, not your personal life. The hubs said if he ever plays he’s going to “Johnny FairPlay” everyone to tears at final tribal just to win.
Overall, I was okay with this season. I did appreciate the respect the players had for each other and the lack of a true villain. I think Michaela could have played that role, but thankfully they got rid of her before she could fully embrace it. I’m not excited to see her again next season. I AM excited for Ozzy and Malcolm…both former place holders in my “Freebie Five” in their respective seasons. Again, poor hubs. It could be a long season for him 🙂
Happy holidays to everyone! Stay safe and warm. See you all next year!
Thank you for another great recap Fish, these are always entertaining but this one was especially funny. Your perspective on Michaela and Ken are interesting… I think you’re spot on with Hannah though. I understand why you feel the way you do about Michaela but I found her to be pure entertainment.
I don’t think Ken deserved to win. Yes he was dominate in some challenges but that is it. No one was afraid to take him to a final because he wasn’t a threat. He skated through to the end because he wasn’t going to make any strategic moves or make any power plays. I still don’t consider the Dave vote a power play… It was a given for me. If he didn’t make that move I would consider him more of a goat than Hannah. At least Hannah tried and had an impact on the game. I could argue Ken made zero impact.
Hope to see you writing recaps again next season!
OK, deep breath, here goes. I’m glad I was wrong about Adam leaving, and I have to agree with Jen, he was the most deserving of the three. I actually thought he played a good game all along, going back to the Figgy vote. Bottom line is that he was always playing, sob story or not. Ken didn’t play until day 38. I’m wrong, he did play before that, but he played badly. Four challenge wins is impressive, but without game acumen he is just another Fabio, and who the hell wants to see that? I see both sides of the Hannah argument, but I have to go back to the fact that everyone wanted to take Ken and Hannah to the end, which tells me that they all knew these two were not playing good games, and they wouldn’t have voted for them. That speaks volumes to me. And I still stand on the Fish side of Hannah, in that she was a ditz and a skitz and was more reactionary than anything. I understand why people saved her butt the times that they did, for their own games, but jeez! I felt like it inflated her head and she came into FTC thinking she had a convincing argument to win the game, when to me she was just annoying. It was kind of funny, expected bitter jurors but got bitter finalists instead! When all is said and done, I would have love to see Jay win more than anyone. That fake idol was classic, but his reaction was even better, probably the best exit I can remember. Lol, “Go ahead Jeffrey, snuff my torch” ranks right up there with “Dude, it’s a f—ing stick”. He proved what a cool dude he was and shed his earlier wanker by association status from Figtails. All in all, this was a great season, I think one of the best. Not overly thrilled about a lot of the choices for next one, I mean Cirie, Sandra and Ozzy again, seriously?? Enough already with them. Although I can’t complain about the Malcolm eye candy again, meow.
Fish, I hope all works out well for you, I really do. And happy holidays to everyone on here, you were all very cool and welcoming to me, and it’s such a pleasure to read intelligent comments on this awesome show. Til next time, everyone have a great one!
Jay was on my hated list early but he ended up being one of my all time favorite players ! Fish imagine the beautiful babies him and Coconuts would make . I have a feeling Jay will be back , I appreciate not getting too much hate for my Hannah defense ( though Fish may still let me have it ) .
Kate: Thanks, doll. Love ya! I’m starting to wonder if Ken was given a better edit than he deserved. For example, what if Ken was really a snobby model who condescended to everyone…but we never saw any of that! We did hear Will say a few negative things a couple episodes ago, but what if Ken really wasn’t very liked, and the jury vote showed it…? All I know is we see maybe 2% of everything that’s shot, so it stands to reason there’s a ton of footage that would help us understand why things went down like they did. And yup, we’re gonna disagree on Bret. I don’t care so much that he “came out” to Zeke, I just think it showed the difference between the two generations in a really deep/emotional/social kinda way. People forget about don’t ask/don’t tell but it was a crazy time back when we we’re young adults. I’m 49 so you and I know the same reality of that. Chris confirmed why lawyers are so slimy. And BTW, I recently worked for a long stint at a courthouse in downtown LA and whenever I went in to use the public restroom with jurors, the public, and many attorneys, the lawyers were the ones who most frequently didn’t wash their hands after peeing. Think about that next time you wanna sue someone… Re: Jessica, I’m always wondering how she took so much time off from her job. If she’s really an ADA, then how did she take off 6 weeks to shoot, how did she spend so much time on social media, and how did she take even more time off for the finale/reunion/las vegas trips? I know public sector employees accrue lots of vacation days, but isn’t that a lot? I dunno… More: everyone looks fat, Michaela needs styling tips for life, Figgy looked majestic, and I do agree with the Jeff botox comment. I know one reason he’s stayed youthful all these years…no kids! Re: S34, I have many thoughts on that. I may write a pre-recap of the season and post it sometime in February. RealitySteve said he’d approve. And thanks for always being such an avid reader of mine. I think of you — and my favorite bartender, Jack — when I write sometimes, wondering what you’ll think. Happy holidays, kinb! XO
Rick: No, thank YOU for reading it and being my best commenter. I wish I could get these to you on Thursdays, but there are some realities of watching it back that causes me to wait. But thanks for always being there! I agree about the gameplay, but I realize these are humans who have their own motivations when choosing a winner. I just wish they were more cutthroat when deciding who played the best game. Now, that doesn’t mean I think Russell Hantz should have won, because he never got the social aspect of the game, but I’m with you that it shouldn’t be decided by who’s got the best sob story. Hell, I’d love for someone to pull some great story out of their ass at FT and say, “My wife lost our baby in utero and this money will help us bring a child into this world,” and then collect everyone’s votes and gladly accept the check from Jeff. And then SMASH CUT to the winner telling Jeff he made the whole thing up and he’s taking the money and gonna go hit Vegas and get a bunch of coke and whores. I mean, that would be such great TV! Who’s got the ‘nads to pull that one off? Coincidentally, I’ve always thought about making an application video and pull off a flamboyantly gay contestant applying after losing a partner, and then do the big “I”m not gay, I just played one on TV” reveal after the FT vote just to see if I could “keep it up” all season. Ah well, let someone else steal that idea, I gotta go to work… And what the what are you talking about RE: Hannah? Are you a Stooges fan or something? Got a soft spot for dirty girls? What gives? She wore that goat status like it was a technicolor dream coat. And did you see all the Zeke/Hannah photos from their Las Vegas trip? Sittin’ in the tub together, eating the same food, him grabbing her boob? I think they think they’re being cool and saucy but it just makes me think she’s a fag hag (that’s what us Gen-Xers used to call it). Me no likey. But you, Rick, are good with me. Thanks for all your comments and I wish you the bestest 2017…
Jen: Really appreciate you continuing to write in. And I’m glad you’re digging my spaghetti… Hannah’s only purpose should be as a drinking game, she is a barista. Let’s hope she can parlay her 15 minutes of fame into a bartending gig at a gay nightclub somewhere in West Hollywood. I’m sure she has many fans there now. RE: the winner, I just don’t like accepting someone like Adam. The whole, “this is my life” comment on the reunion just made me hate that we had to see this play out on TV. Damn, I mean, have some class and keep your most private affairs quiet. It’s like capitalizing on your mom’s death to benefit financially. Isn’t anyone else seeing the shittiness in that? And hell, if the FT jury is always going to go with sob stories, than maybe they should cast people who don’t have such blatant sob stories. I’ve been saying it for years, the casting of reality TV is the most important and time after time, Survivor’s casting department gives us people they think we’re gonna like, but they just give us idiots… I do support your comment about no true villains this season. I wonder if someone was supposed to play that role but left early? Mari? Paul? you know how I feel about Michaela. And I’m super excited about S34. BTW, if you’re Freebie Five justifies checking out what Ozzy’s packing, feel free to navigate to: http://www.omgblog.com/2006/11/omg_hes_naked_ozzy_lusth.php/#axzz4TWAVCitJ Consider that your Christmas present… XO
MVD: Thank you for writing in and I’m happy you liked it. To be honest, when I start writing I have no idea where I’m going sometimes and stuff just spews out. I’m glad you’re liking my spew… Ok, that sounds weird… You know, I don’t know why I hated Michaela so much because I didn’t start the season that way. Yes, I felt she was totally unaware of how the game worked and not very savvy on television, but I didn’t hate her. I just hate when someone like her gets rewarded with so much Production support like she was some mastermind. As she said herself, she was just doing the sea shell thing so she could keep it straight in her head. Most of us could actually — do the math — in our head. And they make her out to be some super player. AND bring her back!? WTF did she do to “change the game” other than show her titties? Nothing… I see what you’re saying about Ken but I just think he picked it up at the end when it’s the most critical. I think he played it low key the whole game, because he is low key. He wore the crown of wallflower and they crucified him for it. As a former wallflower myself, I really appreciated his vocalizing how out of sorts he was, but he still played the game. Hannah, David, Zeke and Adam just struck me as characters they were told to play… Happy holidays and I hope to see you back next season!
Jersey: Love your input. I see everything you say and I don’t disagree with any of it. I know I’m going all in on Ken (that sounds uncomfortable) but I just like stronger players winning. Yeah, maybe we didn’t see much gameplay out of him, but I always thought you can win without having to scramble infinitely. True, I didn’t think he was gonna win any intelligence contests, but he smoked the others in that word unscrambling, so he proved something there. I just think he’s not a flashy player and people wanna see a flashy player win. I’m not one of those people. I just never wanna see goats at FT… Thanks for all your kind words and I look forward to hearing from you next season. Happy New Year!
Rick2: I do love me some Jay and I agree we’ll probably see him again. I was just thinking about how many players there have been and what it takes to stand out enough to be invited back. You really gotta make your mark and hope America likes you. That’s why I hate the Michaela call back. And yeah, there’s also the fact that some people CAN’T take that much time off from work/family/life, so anyone who does probably is looking to make any change thrown at them. I think Jay would be great on another season, but hopefully not with a dumb theme. As I tweeted today, I think they may be saving some players for an epic “Legends” season (Coach, Russell, and many others) and I hope they’ve hired a new casting director by then… And it’s not worth hating on you for liking Hannah, I’m sure you’ve had countless fantasies of bathing with her… 😉
Peace out, troops! Go spend some money on your families! And Long Live President Trump…!
(sarcasm, much?)
Why I actually love the 3 Stooges ! When I think GOAT I think Woo . I think Gervase Blood VS Water . Hannah actually made decisions ( not washing being the most obvious ) . I understand people thinking they can beat her but twice people played or almost played idols for her ! Partially because they thought they could beat her but partially because she gained their trust .