Welcome back, my friends, to another edition of Naked and Afraid, starring Michaela Bradshaw as Naked, and David Wright as Afraid. We find out this week if Lucy will ever speak, if Adam’s voice will be used to scare away rodents and insects, and whether Bret’s moobs or Figgy’s mole will be sliced off to provide nourishment as the tribes near starvation.
Seriously, the fact there’s a Season 33 plot line that involves “ta-tas” seems a little gross, considering how religious these zealots are. Not sure how you feel about religion being shoved down your throat, but would any of you get a mush-on if you heard there was going to be “nudity in church” this week?
“On Wednesday, Rev. Probst is presenting a sermon on the hottest prostitutes in the bible. He has some vivid stories and tells a colorful tale about Oholah and Oholibah, the chicks who put the “ho” in whore…”
Okay, maybe that’s a sermon I would like to hear, considering I’m a pagan and found the stories about prostitutes in the bible the most relatable. That s**t’s been going on for thousands of years, so there’s got to be a good reason whoring’s been around for so long.
Now, if we could only integrate some prostitution into reality TV, that would be something I’d definitely watch, and perhaps apply to get on. Not sure if it’s a singing, dancing, or fire-making show, but I’m sure some of the contestants are great with their throats, can work the pole, or can rub some wood ‘til it’s hot…
I think I’m heading down a path of no return, so I’d better pull myself back from the abyss. I began writing tonight’s column feeling I was a bit too harsh last week, and I don’t want to turn all of you off. So let’s get back on course with some good old-fashioned ogling of contestants in the underwear, who are pooping in the ocean and then hooking up on palm fronds. Shall we…?
Jeff reminds us that Hannah is annoying af…
Adam needs some help…
David has an idol…
Jessica made a power move…
Leaving Moobs and Ed Sheeran hung out to dry…
Post-Tribal (night 10) Takali returns and Ed is doing his best Zeke impersonation. He’s also annoyed af, and doesn’t wanna talk to anybody. He’s borderline Brandon Hantz right now, except he’s not a complete psycho. Jessica, playing the “not knowing when to shut up” card, is adamant she speaks about what happened, why, and what this means for her continued success in the game. She’s got that darn Day 36 Advantage, and it doesn’t do her any good if she doesn’t make it until then.
She and Sunday corral Bret, since he’s nice enough to not threaten a mutiny, but when Chris hears them whispering – clearly against his wishes – he suddenly wants to talk. What a guy…
Jessica explains the whole “David Lee Roth hinted there might be a ‘boys thing’ going on, so we had to do our best Go-Go’s thing and pull a “Our Lips Are Sealed” at Final Tribal. Bret and Chris confirm they had no ‘boys thing” with Paul, who was just running his mouth like he runs to his cardiologist… But hey, regardless of the outcome, Jessica hopes she didn’t kick the wrong player out of the band, and whether she just put a target on her back by voting out Mick Jones.
The next morning, a weird sepia tone cloud has fallen over the tribe. (Seriously, what was the point of that? Are you saying the Gen-X tribe is old-timey? Was there a nuclear cloud descending? Did Post-Production or the Camera Dept. screw up your color in some way?) and hold the phone a second…
Is that what Lucy sounds like when she speaks!?
Holy Mother of Mary, Peter, Paul, and Joseph, did someone finally decide to open up? What the hell happened? Did someone from the crew tell her to come out of her shell? Say, “it’s your last chance to make a first impression?”
Lucy discusses with Sunday that the boys will come back to them, and since it was Jessica who first “implanted” the idea of taking out Paul, it’s Jessica who can’t be trusted.
Seriously…“implanted.” I wonder why she learned that word in English… God, I hope she’s taking her top off at some point this episode…
But she heads over to Bret and Chris, throws Jessica under the bus, and tells the guys how valuable they can be to overthrow the “power hungry” one. Bret confesses he respects Jessica’s game, and finds it odd that Lucy would be “showing her cahds” like this. (And boy, isn’t that accent so cute…). Lucy tells the men she has David and Ken in her back pocket, so if Moobs and Ed wanna make a move, she’s DTF…
Hey, I’m a huge Homeland fan too. So, do you think Quinn is dead? I also liked Turn but never watched the complete first season. I need to go back and do that. Yeah, kinda cool that Schmiegle turned the tables on everyone. Though, for what? That was good for Jessica though. I really thought her eyes were going to bug out straight off her head. She probably needs the money though since Asst. D.A.s make crap for pay. I should know, I almost took one of those jobs after law school. Bret and the Huge Viking Redhead guy are playing pretty smart so far, just kind of laying low. Ken is definitely on his period right now. I thought the same thing about why the Gen X tribe chose their HEAVIEST player to be hauled up to pluck off letters. WTF!!!
Why could that not have happened to Morgan !!!!! Kudos to Michaela for letting it all hang out for that challenge . Dave cant lift 3 pounds , afraid of everything and cant do a puzzle . You say you can but you cant so stop trying ! I tried giving up Whiskey but I am weak and quit trying . David you are weak quit trying to play strong . I played devils advocate at work about David s move and after thinking about it a bit this weekend (thought more about Morgan ) I think it was a good move . Having an idol wont help him much not as much as having 2 people that can be an alliance for him ( 2 more friends than he has in real life ) . He knows the merge is coming . He knows without one person to help he is done . There farther he goes the more chance of being taken final 3 as the “weak player / easy to beat ” he gets . So David makes final 3 . He can talk about his one big move at least . He still probably loses but who knows . Ken and Jessica vote for him and he picks up a vote or two from a Hannah or Michaela type who hate Figgy or whomever else makes final 3 .
Kate! Thanks for the comment, I was starting to worry I was all alone here… I read somewhere that Quinn is alive, but “not altogether there.” I don’t know if that means he’s a vegetable, suddenly become psychic, in a wheelchair, or if he went full-on Gilbert Grape. We’ll see… You gotta binge watch Turn. Just do it! Agreed on Sméagol, I just don’t see the big picture, unless he was thinking saving her would give him Jessica’s and Ken’s votes. Still, he’s weak, but I like seeing a big move that shocks everyone. Yeah, why is Ken so frickin’ emotional all the time. I think having a daughter makes a lot of guys soft. Boys rule! Can’t wait to see how everything shakes up this week. XO
Rick! Dude, could you imagine if Morgan, or someone like her, had the same wardrobe malfunction. THAT, my friend, is how you make reality TV watchable. The producers need to do a bit more of that. Not outright sabotage, but hinting to players how they can increase their chances of coming back another season… I mentioned above what you said about his move being a major play for two votes, so I get you. I just miss the Tony V. approach and tell you people you’ve got an idol and say you’re gonna play it, and then don’t, just to f**k with their heads. That’s the kinda play I wanna see. But you gotta have balls to pull that move off and he clearly doesn’t possess them. Perhaps he’ll make FT but I really think all signs are pointing to Michaela being there. The fact she’s on next season is a huge indication she does very well this season. Just a guess… Thanks, man!
Keep the comments coming, folks. I dig hearing from you.
Fish