SURVIVOR: WC vs BC vs NC – 4/8/15

As the two groups head off in separate directions, Mike admits Joe is going to be tough to beat, and what really sucks is that he’ll probably get a clue to hidden immunity idol, which none of the BC want to see happen.

On the reward, the joy in everyone’s face is countered only by Shirin’s utter disgust that Carolyn is with them. Seriously, girl?! A few moments ago you were clapping like a schoolgirl at a One Direction concert (when Zayn was still in the band, natch), and now you’re bitching about who gets to go backstage and get fondled by the roadies? Wow, you are a bitch. Thank God we didn’t have to see you ziplining through the forest without your pants on, because we know you were thinking about it…

With a spread of pizza, watermelon, cinnamon rolls, and sodas, the group sits down to enjoy their bounty. As Joe pops open sodas for everyone, he hands one to Carolyn and then notices something inside her bottle. She apparently doesn’t realize it’s there so he quickly asks if anyone has any more soda and she gives him her bottle. As he throws back the last drops of Carolyn’s Squirt and backwash, he struggles to get the whole item in his mouth, and sees that Tyler knows what’s going on. Now, Joe has to figure out how to share the clue with Tyler, without everyone else finding out, or who knows if that’s even a possibility at this point.

Tyler confesses he did see Joe get the clue, and instead of outing him right there, he decided to sit on that info, because it could open some doors down the road. We’ll see.

The next morning, Joe is up first and sees Tyler is awake, so he motions for them to go “do the dishes” by the river. Mike is nearby pretending to still be asleep, but is actually spying on them. Knowing a clue was probably found on the challenge, he waits for them to leave and then tails them through the forest, climbing trees, hiding behind bushes, and doing everything he can to find out what they’re doing and where they’re going.

After stopping to read the clue together, Joe and Tyler then actually do the dishes, and within a minute or two, Mike is upon them. Realizing he may have seen him reading the clue with Joe, Tyler knows he needs to do some damage control, since he knows he can’t kill him. That’d be against the Survivor rule book, I’d assume… Tyler knows that if he lies, or withholds too much information from Mike, he and his “crew” could be on the outs, so he tells Mike what the clue said and they head back to camp to see if Joe is there. He isn’t, so the mad dash of “Where’s Joe?” begins…

Mike is leading the charge, and actually finds him before anyone else. As he spies on him from behind a tree, he realizes that Joe didn’t find the idol, but he’s going to make it seem like he did with the tribe. As they both head over to the lake to bathe, Mike walks up hootin’ and hollerin’ about “Good job, baby bro!” “Way to find that idol,” and things to that nature. Everyone’s there to hear it, so now everyone thinks Joe has an idol, even though he doesn’t. Regardless, Joe knows the jig is up.

He tells Hali what Mike did, and informs her he just needs to keep acting like he has it, and hopefully things’ll work out for them. Not sure if that’s the best plan, and why aren’t you still looking for the idol!?

Later, Shirin and Dan are peeing in the lagoon together, and Dan decides to play Mr. Spock and question the logic of Shirin’s game. “Once again, a superfan can’t do basic math,” he says, alluding to the fact Shirin has aligned herself on the wrong side. He goes on to call her “Joe’s minion,” and it’s obvious she’s bothered, but she plays it off like she’s got a plan of her own. Not sure Dan’s approach is the best way to handle this conversation (remember, he’s the one who claimed to know how to talk to women) and now he just seems like a condescending dick.

So when he confesses that someone should just “slap this woman” because she’s so annoying and won’t stop talking, I can’t help thinking,

a) just how inappropriate his comment was, and

b) that’s exactly what needs to happen to Dan. Will someone please slap this guy because he’s so annoying and won’t stop talking?!

D’you ever notice that whenever Jeff asks the players a group question, you can always hear Dan’s response over everyone else’s? Seriously. This guy is such an attention whore. He reminds me a dude I once knew who used to slam down his beer glass on the table – really loud – just so everyone at the bar looked at him. So f**king annoying. That’s who you are, Dan, the guy who wants people to notice him…

He tells Shirin a few more stupid things, like “there’s only 2 kinds of people in this game,” and he just comes across as such a f**king dick. So self-unaware, so oblivious, so moronic. He’s just coming across as such a tool, and I hope he’s being ripped by everyone at his viewing party in Maine right now. There are a lot of people who shouldn’t be invited back to the Survivor dinner table, and Dan just joined that group.

Back to the “Great Idol Hunt of 2015” and I’m beginning to wonder if Mike was leading the Israelites in the desert. The dude just seems so clueless. However, after snacking on some termites, and shagging a howler monkey in the trees for motivation, he stumbles upon the hollow that was mentioned in the clue, and finds the idol. Hallelujah, can you get your ass to Canaan now! And with tears in his eyes (seriously, dude?) he does his happy dance, decides to keep the idol a secret, and plots to take out Joe.

The next day (Day 22), the tribe meets up with Jeff for the Immunity Challenge and it looks imposing but it’s actually rather simple. Move a wooden square through a series of three slide puzzles and insert it into a fourth puzzle that must be unscrambled to form three words. Shirin is amped to be doing a simple puzzle that doesn’t involve strength, agility or balance so she’s excited. This is where we see that “little girl trying to fit in with the cool kids” thing again, and even Jeff plays with her a little bit. You know JP was a cool kid…

The challenge gets under way and once again Joe is taking the lead. He’s a total reincarnation of Malcolm and you can just see he was made for this show. If we don’t see him again someday, I’ll be very surprised. Close on his heels is Shirin, and then Tyler who both finish the third puzzle just behind Joe. Eventually, everyone reaches the final slide puzzle trying to unscramble: Outwit, Outplay, Outlast, which, I hope, is apparent to everyone, but let’s see how “the greatest cast ever assembled” does…

And just as I type this, Dan raises his arms,

“I got it!”

And when Jeff comes over to check, sure and beggorah, Patty, he most certainly doesn’t. What an Irish boob… And as much as I like boob shots, he is not doing it for me.

Everyone gets back to work and a few moments later Dan raises his hands again thinking he has it. And once again, he’s wrong. Blast you to hell, Foley! I’m beginning to think Dan doesn’t have his reading glasses because the camera shows us he’s nowhere close to “having it.” The challenge continues…

And once again, Joe coolly moves a couple more pieces and announces that he has it, and you know he most certainly does. Joe wins immunity, which means there’s a whole lotta shakin’ going on later… And as we go to break, Rodney spills the beans that the only reason his alliance is in this mess is because of the decisions Mike made, so I wonder how this is going to play out. And I wonder how many more times Rodney is going to say stupid s**t this season…