Wednesday night and I’m having some trouble deciding if there’s more conflict on the No Collars tribe…or the floor of the U.S. Senate. I think I’ll leave politics out of this column, since debates about that can only lead to arguments, and I think there’s far too much going on in Vince’s head to discuss anything political. And I really hate to pick on him so much, but between him, Joaquin Dead and Cliffy Marblebag, everyone else is just kinda…there. Not sure what other trouble we’ll get into tonight – oh yeah, we get to see Shirin’s pixilated cooch and Brian Wilson’s (Max) shiny white ass – but hopefully that’s just the tip (pun intended) of the iceberg…
Not much to relay about So’s departure last week. I didn’t watch any Survivor After Show (is Jeff What’s His Name still hosting that?) but I recall seeing that she was not a fan of choosing Deceive. Evidently, (according to So) Joaquin was pretty clueless about how to play the game, and when he suggested they pick Deceive, she was pretty much against it. She said she protested for a while, that’s footage we never saw, but ultimately gave in to his will. She’s gone, he’s still here, and he probably thinks he made the right choice. We’ll see how tonight’s episode plays out.
I spent the day catching up on 1-1/2 episodes of Gotham and I finally got to watch the season premiere of Amazing Race (meh…). And I’m thinking there’s just too many damn shows to watch. I still need to watch Friday’s TAR, and after tonight, I’ll be behind on American Idol again. Thank heavens I don’t have a day job because I could never work AND watch so much reality TV. First world problems…
And here’s the big news of the night! After tonight’s recap, stick around for my updated Rankings of The Top 125 players in Survivor History! I thought I’d throw in an extra 25 since I promised 100 to you last week.
And in case you’re new to my column, I went back and reviewed EVERY EPISODE OF EVERY SEASON and tallied points for every player who’s ever been on Survivor. This is no “I think Sandra is the best player because she won twice,” or “Russell is the greatest player because he re-invented the game,” or (laughably) Jeff Probst’s pick that Cochran is his favorite player of all time because he “embodies what the show is all about.” Gimme a break. There’s only one way to rank players and that’s objectively.
How many days did you play?
How many challenges did you win?
How many idols did you find?
How many final tribals did you go to?
Did you win?
Period.
And, conversely…
Were you medically evacuated?
Did you quit?
Nothing really else matters.
To catch you up, I devised a very simple set of point values for EVERY one of the scenarios above, and a few more based on the variations of each season. Everyone’s participation (or lack thereof) has been tabulated, and I have the final results.
I’m not trying to disparage anyone else’s list, I’m just saying that mine is THE MOST DEFINITIVE. I have all 442 players ranked (not including this season) and for brevity, I’ll only post the top 125 tonight. To be fair, with the last 3 seasons not having any returning players, it’s very difficult to crack the top 125. Only 6 from Blood Vs. Water 2 are on the list, the highest ranked player, naturally, is Natalie, and she only ranks 55th all time.
So you see, it’ll take coming back once (or twice) to do any real damage in cracking the top 50. Makes me wonder what season #31 has in store. And unfortunately, by mistake, I just found out where the next two seasons are going to be shooting, which I won’t spoil for you now. But if you’re interested, I’ll mention it at the end of the column for those of you who can’t wait for this season to be over already. Come on, folks, it’s the second episode!
But enough about the future, let’s go back in time, to a few months ago when this new “amazing” cast of players tried to live up to the hype…To the episode!
Happy B day Bryan! Loved the recap as always. I was really shocked Will voted out Vince. I think it was actually a bad move. Now that he did that, Will is going to be low man on the totem pole. Nina’s going to be mad and the Joe, Jenn and Hali alliance are going to pick he and Nina off unless he can make it to a merge. I would have voted Jenn off, but oh well. Nina was stupid to blab about Vince to Will bc it made Will vote out Vince and Vince was her biggest ally. As for the nudity, its just really gross. I’m especially shocked at Shirin. How totally embarrassing. So funny that the guys could not even look. Great Tom Dick and Harry reference BTW.
Hi Kinb, Thanks for the recognition. I can always count on you… As you know, I’m always shouting to keep your tribe strong at the beginning, so either the NCs are really dumb, or Vince was even creepier than we saw. Why else would you vote out someone IN YOUR OWN ALLIANCE? That is, assuming it was a Will-Vince-Nina alliance. Now, the next 2 tribals will be Nina, then Will, unless Joe has some epiphany about Jenn/Hali, or there’s a tribe swap. Just makes me wonder if players are ever given ANY info before the season, like…”Around the 10th day, there’s gonna be a tribe swap.” Probably not, but wouldn’t surprise me, and it wouldn’t surprise me that production secrets aren’t spilled by players…
Why would you have voted Jenn off? Do tell…
Ya know, with the nudity, here’s what I say. If you’re a dude, and you’re sporting a massive Johnson, and you’re single (that’s important!) and you know they’re gonna pixilate, then go Full Monty. Couldn’t hurt to advertise to the girls in the tribe, or maybe some “bonnie lass” on the crew, unless you think it’ll sway votes against you. For a woman, I don’t know if it’s so smart to show off the “Wicked Witch of the South,” especially with all the “flying monkeys” that come from no tweezers in camp. Ewww… Personally, I wouldn’t mind it. But that’s only because a long time ago I managed a strip club so I’m used to seeing women — some less than sexy — in their full glory, doing all those vile things that women do before they get on stage. And I had to discipline them for not upselling more Red Bulls…
And yeah, Tyler averting his eyes is like “don’t stare at Medusa, you’ll turn to stone.” I wonder what snakes were flying out of Shirin’s cooter region…
Love the ‘Freak Show’ moniker … and so appropriate! Not sorry to see him go, but will wonder about all the crazy s*** we’re gonna miss him saying! Thanks for providing my weekly laugh-out-loud moments … you’re a very funny man and spot-on with your observations!
jlb! I wanna get this reply in before this week’s show/comments distract me from anything in the past. First, thanks for writing! And thanks for digging my stuff. Yeah, with only 44 minutes of show time each episode, you just gotta wonder how much craziness we never get to see. And like I mentioned in this week’s recap, you know players are saying crazy stuff, just to get more air time. I gotta believe that Freak Show was THROWING S**T OUT THERE to try and impress. Agree? Keep reading & laughing, I’ll keep trying to amuse… Thanks, Fish