“Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends,
We’re so glad you could attend
Come inside! Come inside!”
Welcome back to another thrilling season of Survivor recaps on RealitySteve.com. I’m Bryan Fischer and I’ll be your host for another foray “into the jungle.” I’m happy to be back recapping another season of Survivor for you, and from what Jeff Probst has promised us, it’s going to be a doozy of a season. Not sure if that’s just marketing hype, but Jeff wouldn’t lie to us, would he?
He was honest enough to admit that Season 29 wasn’t the best, so we should believe everything he says, right? Hmm…not so sure about that. Let’s just say that with all the promises of this being one of the “greatest casts ever assembled on Survivor,” I’m placing the bar pretty high that he’s accurate. I WOULD NOT want back-to-back seasons of lame-ass players whose best attributes are their application videos.
But before I go on, just wanna throw out a huge thank you to RealitySteve for allowing me to write for his site once again. I’ve truly enjoyed being a small part of his site, and I appreciate the opportunity he’s afforded me. I hope I can continue to provide him (and you) with an entertaining peek at the show that I still call, my Favorite Show of All Time. And as much as I’ve tried to weave my way into the fabric of Survivor, it looks like the only connection I’ll have is via this blog, and not as an Executive Producer who could really bring a lot to the Survivor table… Oh well…moving on.
So I’m a bit chuffed, as it were, because I’ve had a pretty shitty few months. The Survivor “off-season” is typically downtime for me anyway (yes, there’s Christmas, and my anniversary, and New Year’s) but lately I’ve experienced a few major punches to the proverbial gut (I won’t go into them here, thankfully), so forgive me if I’m not totally on my game tonight. To be honest, I may not cover EVERY detail like I usually do, but cut me some slack, it’s a 90-minute show! And I need to review all the players. I was going to give you my top 100 players of all time (that’ll have to wait a week), but I want you guys to know I’m totally jacked another season of Survivor is about to get underway. Let’s keep ‘em coming, CBS! But believe me when I say my tolerance for bulls**t players and questionable moves will be at an all-time low this season. Be forewarned.
That said, I’ll do what I can to enlighten, befuddle, entertain and amuse you, so please try to enjoy yourselves. I mean no harm. If I push the envelope, or say something insensitive, or too provocative for your precious ears, please let it slide. I’m just trying to get a laugh. You’re all aware of my penchant for boob and d**k jokes, so please don’t be offended. I’m just trying to get a rise out of you (no pun intended).
What I do request is that you participate as much as possible. I truly appreciate your input, and to the few of you that do write, comment, tweet, chat or otherwise to me, I am extremely honored to share my little Survivor world with you. I’ve had lots of fun over the past 3 seasons, been able to dig deep into certain players’ lives, games and foibles, so let’s hope this season offers us some more idiosyncratic personalities. We need more heroes, and liars, and spitters, and fighters, and I truly hope Jeff is right and everything plays out as expected, and we get a rip-roarin’ time in Season 30! True, it’s not Survivor: All-Stars, and it’s not Survivor: Sabotage, but it’ll have to do. So let’s see if Jeff’s prediction about this being an epic season comes true. Let’s crack open this coconut and drink the milk-flavored Kool-Aid…
Come inside, the show’s about to start
guaranteed to blow your head apart
Rest assured you’ll get your money’s worth
The greatest show in Heaven, Hell or Earth.
You’ve got to see the show, it’s a dynamo.
You’ve got to see the show, it’s rock and roll…
So I didn’t watch Jeff’s Cast Assessment video, because I didn’t want to formulate any opinions prior to watching the cast intro videos today. I did fairly well last season in rating players (uh, except for the person who actually won the game…) so I really wanna test myself again. Not that it matters, because the game is the quintessential Butterfly Effect, with each subtle decision possibly snowballing into an avalanche. Just as Rocker’s tough play in that one challenge last year resulted in Natalie talking s**t to him, resulting in him responding with threats, resulting in his tribe blindsiding him, resulting in Julie being ostracized, stealing granola and then eventually quitting the game. Who knows what would have happened if Rocker just played fairly and kept him mouth shut?
Since Jeff is giving the impression this season is full of amazing players, and even said that if you wanted to get someone to start watching Survivor, this is the season. I don’t know about all that, since Survivor seems to be a) such an iconic show that EVERYONE knows what it’s all about, or b) you either like or dislike it. I’m just saying I don’t think there’s a lot of potential “converts” out there itching to fall in love with Survivor. IMHO, if you don’t watch/love/like Survivor now, you ain’t gonna simply fall in love with it now. But none of that matters really, let’s see what these cast videos are all about…
I’ve separated them by their initial tribe designation, which means nothing, because look how long the Brains-Boobs-Biceps labels were a factor. Once the tribe shuffle happened (episode 4) everything became focused on alliances and not designations.
Yaaa. You are back. You had me scared a little last season that you were leaving us. Naughty boy! Sorry you have had a rough time lately. Stay hopeful and give your wife and child extra love, it will help. Ok, enough of a lecture. Looks like a great season. The feather guy is really creepy, maybe name him “the coconut creeper.” Doesn’t that sound like a character on a Scooby Doo episode? Yep, So was a total snot. Too bad really. I actually like Carolyn, she seems to have common sense so far. I like Tyler too but am wondering which team he bats for? Totally agree about the beards, they are just gross. And why would you come out to Survivor with one already? Yuck. I”m worried about the 2 really skinny girls. They are going to need IVs by week 3. Nobody else too interesting. I’m sick of all the Boston people now. Do you think the story about finding his sister was a lie? I wasn’t sure what his point was in saying he’d get all the girls’ sympathy with that one….Joe is going to be the Ozzy/Malcom of the season. My 4 year old likes him and she liked Jon last season. My 10 and 11 year old screamed when they showed the guy in the speedo. I may need to get them both therapy now. I think the deaf woman will be playing the role normally played by “crazy black girl.” No other thoughts but so glad you made it back. 🙂
Thanks for the invite to “come in” because we’re freezing out here (Austin), and don’t hate because we are not used to freezing weather. We might die. I have never heard the word, “chuffed” so I am assuming we don’t live in the same part of the country but it may translate into “chaps” for me, as in “That really chaps my hide!” Love your recaps and grateful for your return.
kinb! Apologies to “my biggest supporter” for the drama. If you really wanna know what’s “behind the curtain,” it’s just that I was up for a job at CBS so I couldn’t risk the conflict of interest. I didn’t get it, darn it…so let’s continue the roasting! Now I’m even more inclined to rip them to shreds… 😉
I totally agree with you about Vince. That guy is a f**king weirdo. How did he pass the Psych Eval? He’s one treemail away from going postal. I’d hate to see what happens if Jenn switches alliances on him, we could see our first felony on Survivor! Or suicide… Yikes…
Whatever happens, I’ll try to come up with a nickname (Scooby Doo appropriate, natch) that perfectly defines his freakishness.
You’re spot on about all the other players. I read that So was actually lobbying a lot harder to take the Honest choice, but they didn’t show it. She said that “Joaquin Dead” really didn’t know the game so she should have trusted her instincts. Yes, she should have…
For some reason, the only guys who wear those kinda speedos are dudes from back east. Kinda like Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. Gross. Let’s hope he doesn’t go commando in future episodes with Shirin…
Thanks again for your support. I’ll do my best to be entertaining. :-{|}
Susie! I’m with you on the cold. Who chooses to live in that? I’m in SoCal where it’s lovely 300 days a year. I’ll stick to living in sitcom weather. And TBH, I gotta say I used “chuffed” incorrectly. Long story short, a girl I used to date (who was a big Anglophile) used to say it and I always thought it meant “pissed off.” It kinda sounds like that what it should mean, right? Well, I just looked it up and it means the opposite. Oops. At least I’ll admit it… I guess I did mean to say “chapped” but that’s what you get when you’re rushing. (Tells you how much I paid attention to what that ex-girlfriend was saying!)
Thanks for your kind words, duckie, hope to put a few smiles on your face this season…
NO don’t go So. She has a look I love and was rocking in that bra. Why did she have to be such a bad player? I am getting too old and lazy to remember names, so I will need to use descriptions. Has there been a fatter player than fat postal worker? Please Survivor producers use the black boxes that the Bachelor uses.. That scene on the beach with the Speedo probably caused a few dinners to be lost.
I know he is only a coconut vendor, not a coconut picker, but dude branch out find a way to get more than one coconut for the tribe. He looks 50, I need to go check his reported age. Perhaps he signed up for the wrong show, thought he was a dating show. I would keep all sharp instruments away from him.
And…introdouching Joaquin to Survivor. Perfect.
And here I thought I was your biggest supporter. If it helps…I didn’t get the job with the Angels I was going for. At least there’s Survivor…
doc – You’re “So” right. I also would have enjoyed having a cute Asian lady hanging around for a while, the pounds melting off her already thin frame… I digress. I think the WC have a natural disadvantage in that they think they need to run the show but Survivor is not always a “run the show” kinda situation. There are times that may work, but not when there’s a bunch of other Alphas competing with you. Silly for her to stick to that strategy.
And yes, there have been some portly folks before, I think it was Mike Borassi who showed up best for them. Medical Evac on day 5… And yes, I do hope we see some great incredible television meltdown when Vince gets voted off. DVR that shit…
ericah! You two are neck and neck! I swear. Love ya both! TBH, I’m getting very frustrated with my employment status. Can’t wait to become a full time reality show blogger. I hope it pays well…! 😉