SURVIVOR: WC vs BC vs NC – 3/4/15

Jeff’s recap of last week essentially told us the following:

No Collar – Vince is a freak, Nina is deaf
Blue Collar – Dan is on the outs
White Collar – The whole tribe is a hot mess

And as we drop in on Blue Collar (Day 4) we are given an amusing scene where Dan returns to camp with a story about how he lost his “manties” (his marblebag) whilst taking a dump in the ocean. Ahhhh, Survivor, the visuals you present to us to envision in our own minds… And as he regales his tribemates on how he resolved this predicament (by using his shirt & belt as a new “marbletent”) a couple in his tribe (mostly Lindsey) are wondering if this is some huge charade on his part to distract them from how annoying Dan has been. Seems a bit far-fetched, but at least her spider senses are tingling…

Over at the WC tribe, something else is tingling, and it might be Max’s junk. He’s a big fan of the show (duh) and feels he owes it to “the greats who came before him,” like Richard Hatch, to drop trou and frolic around camp naked. And not just “let’s go skinny-dipping” naked. As in, let’s get butt-ass naked and walk around camp.

Now, I’m a big fan of nudity. Ok, maybe I’m a big fan of female nudity, but it takes a pretty big set of balls (uh, yuck) to walk around camp (amidst your tribemates and all the crew) showing off your Johnson to every Tom, Dick and Harry. And boy, considering how bushy Max’s face is, I betcha Tom’s dick is hairy… Thank god for pixilation and CBS Standards & Practices.

And then, just when I think I’m a big fan of female nudity, Shirin decides she’s a big fan of Richard Hatch too and commences Def Con Cooch Flash 5. Ok, maybe there’s a very small thong under that pixilation, but based on how uncomfortable Tyler and Joaquin look (or look away), she’s going full Monty and showing off the babymaker. And considering how many bug bites are on her face and body, I’m guessing she’s not producing a show that’s chub-worthy. Let’s just say that if they were making a movie of this episode, Melissa McCarthy is playing Shirin and that’s not an woman I need to see naked on screen. I’d leave after the opening titles…

So let’s see if there’s any less drama over at the NC tribe. We open on Hali telling us she really likes Nina, but is finding her disability a little tough to deal with. The same goes for some of the others in the tribe as we witness a few moments where Nina’s hearing problem are a bit of a disadvantage for her (in fitting in with the tribe). While Hali and Jenn are getting a little snarky about the issue, Vince confesses that he’s a little annoyed at how the girls are not embracing Nina and the No Collar vibe, and simply accepting her and embracing her.

The straw that breaks the camels back is when Hali and Jenn go for a skinny dip in the ocean (please no pixilation, please no pixilation!), but alas, there’s pixilation. Oh, and Nina is upset the girls didn’t invite her. She’s now gotten emotional and telling us (and her tribe) how little she’s been included in anything since Day 1. So as she unloads on the girls for having no compassion, she storms off to have another cry, leaving the rest of the tribe to quickly label her as “too emotional,” “needing coddling” and “probably the first one voted out.”

Not that any of you need reminding, but it’s a game, not a corporate retreat, so Nina’s desire for “inclusion” and “empowerment” are kinda ridiculous. If you don’t wanna be left out, go make some frickin’ alliances! And don’t bring your godd**m baggage to the island! Once again, there are too many people dying to represent on this show, and these emotional namby-pambies are giving it a bad name. To his credit, Will does what he can to soothe Nina’s bruised ego (he’s a husband so I’m sure he’s had to deal with an emotional spouse before) but even he can recognize that Nina is out of her league.

Day 5 and the BC tribe is waking up to Mike barking orders. He’s a true blue Blue Collar kinda guy, and just thinks that adults need to recognize when work has to be done. So, natch, the rest of the tribe feels like playing basketball with a makeshift basket they’ve created. And while everyone is taking turns taking free throws, Mike is busting his ass bringing back wood. And instead of realizing that, “hey, maybe I should spend some time bonding with my tribe,” instead of, “hey, you lazy f**kers, go grab some frickin’ wood!” Needless to say, Mike is now putting a target on HIS back and the spinning wheel of “Who’s the Most Unliked Person On The BC Tribe” lands on Mike. And maybe he should realize that 2 of the biggest parts of the game are bonding with your tribe and PLAYING GAMES, so I think Mike should chill out and take some free throws. Once again, don’t bring your bulls**t to the show…

And here we go again on the NC tribe. Joe returns to camp with a bag of baby crabs and instantly Vince (American Horror Story: Freak Show) is up in arms about how Joe is trying to take credit for everything, and Joe needs to feel that he’s being accepted and Joe this and Joe that. Maybe Freak Show secretly thinks Joe hates coconuts too, but thankfully, we’re spared that confessional.

When Joe comes sprinting back to camp like a slo-motion Baywatch montage, Freak Show has had enough. He confronts Joe about needing acknowledgement and verification that he’s helping out. Joe responds he’s good with the accomplishments that FS is bringing to the tribe, but Vince seems a little unsure whether he can believe him, and maybe I’m not a good judge of character, but it “appears” that Joe is being pretty straight-up with FS that they’re “good,” and he’s trying really hard to admit to something that Vince wants him to admit to, just so FS can STFU. When the chips fall, even Will can see these two alpha dogs are going at it, and it’s essentially split the tribe down the middle: Joe-Jenn-Hali vs. Will-Vince-Nina. And when all is said and done, Freak Show is starting to scare the hell out of the ‘young’uns.”