SURVIVOR: BLOOD VS WATER 2 – 12/3/14

Jeff’s recap recalls the spinjitsu that Keith worked on Reed when he finally said something at Tribal. You were thisclose, Reed, to pulling it off, and then you made the one mistake of siding with someone who uses the phrase dadgum in serious conversation. I probably just lost any remaining readers in Louisiana and the Redneck Riviera, but screw it; I wasn’t planning on visiting the bayou anytime soon.

The recap doesn’t offer much else other than we’ll be down to 6 players tonight…

Returning to camp (Night 26), Jon is amazed at what just went down, and can only thank God for not being voted out. Okay, so is he saying that Keith is God, because HE’S the only one you need to be thanking right now. This is proven when the new “Honey Boo Boo’s” (Reed is Honey, by the way…) lets Keith know what a doofus he is for opening his mouth. Right now, I think Frederic Forrest (as ‘Chef’ Hicks) needs to waltz into camp, grab Keith by the shoulders and yell in his face, “Never open your mouth at Tribal…!” From one Louisiana boy to another, he’s probably the only one Keith would listen to…

But Reed has bigger fish to fry. He knows the road just got a little tougher, and the only thing that’ll probably save his behind is a Colby-level string of Immunity wins.

“Ooh, there’s nothing worse than angry girls,” he laments…

And evidently, there’s nothing worse than a guy when he thinks he’s running the show (with women) because Jon’s ready to take all the credit for playing his idol when it looked like Natalie was the biggest factor in Jon pulling it out (sorry, already made the joke last week, can’t repeat it…). But while Natalie thinks Jon is full of horses**t for taking the credit, Jon is more interested in Jaclyn giving him props – in front of everyone – so it looks like he’s the playa and not Natalie. He’s already thinking about trying to sway jury votes, and he doesn’t appreciate Jaclyn harshing his mellow and spoiling his “epic move.”

Jaclyn is dumbfounded that Jon is trying to play this on her, because SHE (and Natalie) were the ones responsible for Jon playing his idol; so why should he get all the credit? This is beginning to smell like a lover’s quarrel and I’m beginning to cringe, especially when Jaclyn confesses that if that’s the way he’s gonna play it, then “screw you, I’m going to the top 3.” And so the seed is planted (no pun intended) of the fight we saw Jonclyn having in last week’s tease. Godspeed, kids, Godspeed…

So let’s capitalize on all this aggression and do a Reward Challenge! Whaddya say? We’re all familiar with the format: players are asked questions about each other. Get it right, you chop another player’s rope. Three chops and you’re out. This always means the nasty, unpopular, and alliance-deficient players have no chance, so goodbye, Reed, Keith, and Alec… And poor Alec probably won’t even get any questions right, so I’m afraid he won’t be happy today… Winners of the challenge gets a horsie back ride to a resort where they’ll feast and spend the night. Something tells me that if Jon or Jaclyn wins, they’re both going and will keep trying to make a baby the “old-fashioned” way, despite the outcome (and wouldn’t YOU, if you were with your bunny?).

First question and everyone gets it right save Keith. As predicted, Reed and Alec are the main targets, with Missy and Natalie also taking hits. Reed sashays over to the bench and is eliminated. Second question everyone gets right and Alec and Keith meet their demise. Way to go, Alec, at least you got 2 questions right!

Then things get a little interesting. With the five remaining players all aligned, the decision of “who should I chop?” gets a little much for them handle, so Jeff pulls the plug on the challenge and just says, “Fine, who’s gonna win?”

“Missy.”

“Okay, Missy come over here and the rest of you take a seat at the bench.” He’s probably pissed that they spend all this time and effort on these challenges and these boobs just render it pointless. Once again, this season’s players are proving to be doing it totally wrong. Yeah, I see why they don’t want to create any bad blood between them, but they could at least respect the COMPETITION aspect of the game and go through with the challenge, right? I totally understand that they’re all – afraid – to do the wrong thing, but it’s a frickin’ game show, kids…! As Bob Watson so eloquently stated, “Let the kids play…”

But no, they don’t want to bruise any egos and Missy deserves it, and Jon is going to volunteer to go to Exile, so we’re one big happy family and it’s Little House on the frickin’ Beach, and Reed is evil Nellie Oleson.

Of course, Missy picks Baylor to come with her, but she’s also allowed to take a third. So when she picks Natalie, that means Jaclyn will be heading back to camp with the “Nellie Boo Boo” alliance. Jeff tries to create some drama by saying Jaclyn is going back to camp with people that probably don’t like her very much, but Reed speaks up and says that he likes her. And then it’s on like Donkey Kong…

When Reed says that he likes everyone, Baylor calls him out, so he calls her a brat, which doesn’t sit well with Missy. She gets all “momma bear” and decides to give Reed a lesson on what’s what. Trouble is, Reed’s not interested in playing “chastised student” to Missy’s “school marm” so he continues to interrupt and speak his mind, and right now, it looks like “there’s nothing worse than angry gay boys.”

So Missy decides she doesn’t want to “do this” right now, so let’s get these girls outta here. They say goodbye to Jaclyn, throw shade at Nellie, and head off, arm-in-arm. And while the Nellie Boo Boos now have something pretty to look at tonight, Jaclyn is feeling like she got the shortest end of the stick with Jon away, the other 3 girls super tight, and she’s wondering if this is what to expect when they make final five…assuming things go as planned. And when does that ever happen on Survivor…?

Over at Exile (Day 27) Jon is in high spirits because he knows that he’s going to get a clue to a new Hidden Immunity Idol…assuming it’s hidden at Exile, that is… And it is. Jon reads the clue and heads down the shore where the “sideways trees” are. And without much ado, Jon finds the idol under a sign that reads, “Jon, look right here for the idol.” So, with this new blanket of security, Jon can once again focus on what’s important…

“Jaclyn and I’s future…”

And for the love of all things holy, can everyone on a reality show stop saying “So-and-so and I’s…” ?! It’s not “Jaclyn and I’s” it’s “Jaclyn and my”… Jesus, what the hell kind of education are you getting at Michigan State? Did all those dumb girls and guys on The Bachelor and Bachelorette go there too? It’s like nails on a chalkboard for me. I don’t know why. Perhaps I misuse some grammar which bugs other people, too, but please, folks, it’s “That person and my”… (JFC, I hope I’m right…)

On the reward, Trips, Pipes and Che are getting along almost too well. It’s a love fest as they’re riding through the Nicaraguan countryside, arriving at a hacienda, and scarfing down a ton of food. Missy is very happy that she could share this with her daughter and Natalie, who’s becoming like a big sister to Baylor. That glee is amped up when Natalie tells Missy they found an idol, which catches Missy off guard a little.

So do we really believe that they haven’t told her until now? Like, the subject might never have come up at camp, or at night, or while they were riding horses together, away from everyone else? What, couldn’t the helicopter grabbing those gorgeous sweeping shots of them not capture the moment you tell Missy about the single biggest advantage this trio has? Okay, I get it, they want to do it on camera the proper way, but don’t lie to us. Just have Missy say, “I can’t believe you guys found an idol,” and go from there. You gotta lie to us?! Wait, it’s Survivor, it’s part of the game.

“It ain’t Survivor if you’re not lying…” as Troyzan says.

Upon returning to Huyopa, Jaclyn is still hot she wasn’t taken on the challenge, but that could be simply because she’s pissed. The guys then conspire to be nice to her, giving her a huge bowl of rice, and trying to get her to listen to the bulls**t that Reed is spinning…but she’s smart enough to know what’s going on.

His proposition is that since Missy and Jon are such big players, they’re going to need to turn on each other eventually. Reed is proposing that Jonclyn joins the Nellie Boo Boo 3 and make it 5 vs. 3. And once again, Jonclyn would be in the middle of two alliances, and why does this always happen when Jon goes to Exile?!

The next morning as the girls return from the reward, Missy is very aware that Reed probably tried to put his hooks into Jaclyn, so she starts doing some damage control. Or at least, keep an eye out for any damage that may have occurred.

And all the damage seems to be what’s occurring right in front of everyone. As Missy and Baylor head away from camp, they tell Natalie to keep her eyes and ears open. And what she witnesses is Jaclyn flirting with Alec in a way that’s inappropriate for women with a boyfriend. Alec is all too eager to be flirty back, but I can’t see anything “inappropriate” happening (unless they were playing footsie with each other sitting by the fire…couldn’t tell). Just because a woman is talking to a guy, that doesn’t make it flirting, and in the game of Survivor, any talking is really just “part of the game,” right…?

Day 29 and the first Immunity Challenge of the night is on. It’s an old favorite that was run on Caramoan (J. Kirhoffer told me in a video) where players have to roll a billiard ball down the handle of a long paddle, maneuver it over a little bump, and then have it come to rest in a “dimple” on the head of the paddle. Do that 6 times and you win.

Jon returns from Exile with s**t all over his face (seriously, dude, jump into the ocean and clean up a little!) and punches Alec in the face. “What the f**k are you doing with my girlfriend, dude!” Wait, okay no, that didn’t happen. Sorry, the vodka is starting to kick in…

As the challenge gets under way, Jon and Reed both land a ball quickly, but Reed succeeds in knocking it off. Alec is also struggling a bit, as is Natalie, Jaclyn and Baylor. Jon gets a 2nd and then a 3rd to fall into place, and it looks like a race between him and Keith. As Jon hits a speed bump and can’t get his 4th to fall, Keith methodically uses great patience and gets his 4th and 5th balls into place. With Jeff screaming at Jon to “pick it up” Keith coolly lands the 6th ball and wins immunity! Now that’s a dadgum surprise! I’m just wondering how the hell that guy is still in this game, considering how little he actually plays it. As we go to break, Reed confirms what we already know, that his whole survival hinges on Jonclyn, so maybe something he said to her will get Jon to reconsider the alliances.

Once everyone returns to camp, Keith is congratulated, but who cares about that, Jaclyn takes Jon away to take a friggin’ bath! Really, the guy is filthy. You know he stinks too right now. Can you get your ass in the water, for f**k’s sake!? Jaclyn is more interested in telling him about the Reed proposition, but all Jon wants to do is be with his bunny. He tells us that all he did on Exile was be paranoid and miss Jaclyn, so the last thing he needs to do now is get paranoid again.

I think what he needs to do is learn the most important lesson, and that’s: Listen to your woman when she has something to say. Because we’re now seeing the fight that we saw in last week’s tease, and the fact that she’s looking into the face of a dirty ass WWI trench warfare soldier must be further frustrating her. He realizes he needs to take a step back and have a talk with her. But now she’s too pissed to talk so it looks like nothing productive is happening.

Reed saunters up and wants to make his pitch to Jon, not knowing if Jaclyn was able to talk to him yet. He makes his play but Jon seems unreceptive to it. And while tensions are getting a little heated, Jon seems to be willing to consider what Reed has to say, but then Natalie walks up and that immediately puts the kibosh on anything Jon might consider. But he throws Reed a little “wink wink” that means, “No, I don’t wanna hear your pitch any more, but I may be willing to consider it” which encourages Reed a little to know that if Jon is willing to hide something from Natalie, that could mean he’s willing to flip. But Reed is a little unsure if Jaclyn also saw the wink-wink, so she may not be aware of what Jon was trying to do. Oh boy, there’s drama on the island…

Jon spends some time speaking with Missy – a lot of time it turns out – first revealing he found the idol, and then we’re not shown what else. This is now pissing off Jaclyn even more because he’s spending all this time with Missy instead of his girlfriend. So, of course, when Jon finally does come over to speak with Jaclyn, she’s too heated to speak with him. And this, my friends, is what’s wrong with couples today. When one wants to talk, the other doesn’t, and what that person is ready, the first no longer does. And rather than being adults and saying, “We’re playing a F**KING GAME right now, can we sit down and have a chat!?” they choose to remain pissed off little kids and sit in different corners. I bet if John Rocker was here, this isn’t how it would go down… He’d go all caveman on Julie and make this s**t go away…! But, we’ll never know how that may have turned out…

Finally, 5 hours later, Jon tries again to speak with her, but she still doesn’t want to talk to him. And, I’m sorry, if that’s my wife/girlfriend/whatev, I’m gonna get pissed. Who stays angry after 5 hours!? (And yes, I get that it may not have actually been 5 hours, but that’s all I have to go on). You know, if you get angry with your significant other and “aren’t in the mood to talk,” go take a walk and in 30 minutes your perspective should have changed. If you’re perspective hasn’t changed in 5 hours…you’re an idiot. Or someone who just doesn’t know how to process emotions. Good luck with that one, Jon…

So when she finally does decide to come speak with him, he’s now the pissed one because he says he tried, and she didn’t wanna listen. Plus, he’s been spying her flirting with Alec, so now he’s doubly pissed. And with all this relationship drama unfolding in front of him, Reed is seeing his chances of staying in the game slipping away, all because these two immature children can’t have a simple conversation.