SURVIVOR: MILLENNIALS VS GEN X RECAP – 10/6/16

Wednesday night, and it’s time for another episode of, “As the Coconut Turns.” In this week’s show, some of the Millennials are bummed about Mari’s departure last week (not as much as her, though), and a twist might shake things up…

But first, I wanted to mention that at the end of tonight’s column, I’ve updated my Rankings of Every Survivor Player and have posted the top 200 players in Survivor history. Click to the last page to see where your favorites stand after 32 seasons of Survivor.

Considering the love that blossomed last week, and the differences between generational plotlines, I feel like I’m watching a bad soap opera. TBH, they’re all “bad” soap operas, but this one seems worse because the actors don’t know how to act. Seriously, everyone seems like a caricature of themselves (except Zeke, of course, who’s playing the role of Glorious Zeke fabulously) but none of these clowns are winning a daytime Emmy. Susan Lucci, you’re a shoo-in this year…

That’s right, tonight’s episode reminds me of soap operas my mother used to watch in the 80’s – they’re ‘my stories,’ she used to say – but seriously, they were no one’s stories, because nobody acted that poorly, no one lived those crazy plot lines, and no one had those crazy 80’s hairstyles. Okay, maybe I had the hair, and maybe I’ll post a pic for you someday…

But let’s get to the beach where gamer Mari left us last week. The reality is sinking in “the game is afoot,” even on Day 7; and surprise, surprise, people are already making bad decisions, poor alliances, and outlandish statements. Let’s take a look at what happened last week.

Jeff reminds us Paul Lee Roth is fronting the Van Halen alliance…
Heat exhaustion (cocaine) can be a bi*ch…
The Millennials are playing a game called “Dumb & Dumber”…

Upon returning to camp after Tribal, Adam and Zeke are now playing the “That was a great move, dudes” game, but what else can they do?

Here’s what they can do. Not be such ass-kissers 14 seconds after returning to camp. Yeah, we all know they’re on camera all the time, and the need to fight for airtime is paramount, but does Adam have to come across as being as phony as a $3 bill? I told you that guy sounded off in his intro video…

He immediately throws it out to Taylor and Figgy how great of a move that was, but he’s just digging himself a hole. What about Michelle’s move at Tribal? And what about all the others who voted for Mari? Adam doesn’t even realize he’s distancing himself from the power alliance even farther with his adulation.

He and Zeke go off to wallow, but Hannah won’t allow it. Goshdarnit, she’s got something on her chest, and she can’t sleep until she spills. Such an annoying person after a long night. Neither of the guys want to be doing this right now, but once again, Hannah proves she doesn’t know how to properly read people. She claims she doesn’t want to “play the victim,” but that’s what she’s doing, and Zeke is annoyed af she just won’t go away.

She confesses she was blinded by Michelle’s beauty when she told Hannah, “Trust me, we have the numbers” to vote out Mari, and Hannah’s only reaction is,

“I couldn’t think of anything else.”

Seriously? You dumbass, Millennial. Have you ever seen this show? Obviously from your Tribal Council voting debacle last week you can’t handle making a big decision, but in truth, was it really THAT big of a decision? God forbid, can you imagine taking this girl out to dinner and she’s asked, “What would like to eat?” She’d probably just curl up into a ball and ask for an umbilical cord smoothie…

Hannah tells us she was doing “what was best for her game,” but we can read right through that. She was doing what was best for her ego, which was to belong to the cool kids group for one moment in her life…

But after hammering Zeke – who just wants her to go away – over and over for a chance to explain herself, she can’t even belong to the uncool kids group and starts crying because she knows she’s a tool. However, she’s not a hoe…

But she’s adamant about speaking to Zeke, but he’s on the verge of smacking her. What does it take for her to get the point!? He doesn’t want to talk to you, you weak bi*ch! I just smacked my TV and she’s still there trying to get him to talk. Even with Adam translating into Moronese, she’s still there trying to get him to understand. How frustrating…

All she wants them to understand is she hopes they’ll use her later, because they can. And I’m really starting to feel sorry for this chick. And for the guys, too. One, for what they just endured at Tribal, Two, for what Hannah’s been subjecting them to, and Three, because it’s just the two of them “on dumbass island,” as Adam so eloquently proclaims.