As everyone enters Tribal Council and grabs fire, one thing is certain, these Millennials are more impressed by BEING here than actually concentrating on the game. It’s almost laughable how amazed they are they’re here, talking to Jeff Probst, with a torch behind them. Grow up, Vanua…
Jeff immediately zones in on this ridiculous amazement and asks if the rub on the Millennials will affect their handling of social dynamics. Mari replies that while her world is “2-dimensional” online, it’s a whole different story when you’re playing WITH real people. Zeke gives us the first real “Wow” statement of the season when he says,
“I’m my best version of myself out here, because I wanna give all of myself out here…”
I don’t even know what that means and I’m impressed. And with that, you know Zeke ain’t goin’ nowhere any time soon. So when Jeff asks Michaela to support Zeke’s contention, she leans more towards a “this sucks” attitude than a “this is my best self” one.
This catches Jeff by surprise who asks Adam for clarification and is told that Michaela is a “straight shooter” in real life, but that may not be the best quality to bring to Survivor on Day 1. So while Jeff explores this topic with Michaela, Michelle takes the opportunity to drop a hint to Hannah that she’ll be voting for Mari.
“What?” Is all Hannah and I can think… Why not blindside Michaela and take out your biggest pain-in-the-ass?
So when Jeff asks Hannah for some clarification, she exposes the Funky Bunch alliance, to which everyone agrees is a reality. But while Jeff is trying to dig deeper into the Lovefest, Michelle is still busy trying to get Hannah to vote for Mari. While other conversations continue, Michelle keeps playing to Hannah and promising she’ll tell her “later” why she’s voting for Mari, and Hannah is dumb enough to go along with it.
Mind you, this is the girl who was all “Freaks and Geeks ‘til the end” last week, so the idea of voting for Mari is clearly out of the blue. And as troubled as Hannah seems to be making this decision, I’m left wondering if Hannah is just the type of person who’s always wanted to belong to the “cool kids” group but never did. And now this is her chance to knock on that door. I saw something like this in Carrie, let’s hope this is not the same.
Jeff probes the topic of why Michaela thinks she’s not stupid, and the topic bends to where Michaela calls out Figgy for being “Miss Cuddleshaq” (that’s how that’s spelled, right?) which elicits a big reaction from Miss Cuddleshaq.
“What?”
I don’t need to go over every single word said, because this Tribal Council is striking me as the most asinine TC in Survivor history. It’s like the conversations I hear when I pick my son up from middle school. And I’m not exaggerating. You Millennials really need to grow the f**k up, or learn how to communicate, or fight, or play the game. Seriously, you’re all coming across as f**king douchebags.
While Michelle and Hannah play footsie about Michelle’s demands, Jeff gives Mari the chance to chime in on Hannah’s brain spasm but all she can say is that Hannah is probably thinking about “puppies or butts.”
Nice assessment of Hannah, probably not far from the truth.
Enough talk, it’s time to vote. Votes are cast, we see a couple for Figgy and Mari, and then it’s up to Hannah to make her decision. She seems incapable of writing down an English word, and in what can only be described as “the only time Jeff has had to peek in on a vote” Hannah finally scribbles something on a parchment and Jeff goes to tally the votes:
Figgy
Mari
Figgy
Mari
Figgy
Mari
Mari (what?)
Mari
Mari
Boom goes the YouTube channel as 6 million little boys just had their first wet dream. Ouch moms, Tide gets tough stains out!
And I guess there goes my Asian Women Alliance as my two dreamboats have exited #1 and #2. And that brings up a very interesting point…
Where the f**k was Lucy all episode?! I know I saw her a couple times but we didn’t hear a peep out of her. I’m wondering if the show is saving her for a big comeback later in the season, or is she the 5-foot 4-inch version of Leif Manson – the silent member of Manono – who probably had the least amount of airtime EVER on Survivor. For f**k’s sake, Lucy, make up something to say to camera. No one’s ever gonna win being a pathetic sack of potatoes all season.
But maybe that’s Lucy’s desire this season, or maybe she just hasn’t found the opportunity to stick her ass out towards camera during the course of the game. Sure, in an intro video, sticking your booty out 17 times in a minute and a half may get you noticed, but in game, unless you’re trying to stoke the fire by passing gas, sticking your booty out just makes everyone think you’re a freak. But you’re a mom, so that’s okay. (No, it’s not.)
With her trademark, “Salty” comment, Mari exits and will probably never return. I don’t think anyone except Francesca returned after exiting so quickly, so Mari will probably be moving on to more digital pastures…
The reaction of the tribe speaks volumes as half of them were clearly taken by surprise. Will, Zeke and Adam are all dumbfounded, and it begs the question what will happen next week.
But that question is answered as the tease shows us Zeke and Adam feel betrayed by Hannah’s ill-conceived flip, and a twist in the game leaves Will wondering why he can’t participate. Methinks you need ID to play along and he’s still getting his high school ID laminated in the Attendance Office.
In Mari’s final words, we can see how hurt she really is. Okay, enough with that, moving on, another piece of the puzzle has been placed. And that’s why we’re all here, right…?
Okay, once again, friends, I’m gonna try to throw in my Rankings next week, and see what other juicy specials, benefits, stats I can provide. Until then, here’s a little recap what this week in television holds for Fish:
SNL premiere
Gotham
Fear the Walking Dead
The Ryder Cup
NFL football
Online poker
And if I have time, I may just throw in that old VHS of Strictly Ballroom, because I do remember liking it, and I do remember it being the golden ticket to getting lucky with a girl named Ruth 15 years ago. So, there you go, readers, a little dirt on the Fish… Enjoy.
And as they say in the movies,
“…a life lived in fear is a life half-lived.”
So don’t be afraid to take some chances, don’t be afraid of making mistakes, and don’t ever stick to the slow lane if you wanna have some fun in life. Take my advice, change lanes once in a while and you just might find yourself in a hell of a lot of…fun or trouble.
And if you haven’t seen Strictly Ballroom, I highly suggest you go rent it. It’s a classic.
See ya next week, dancers!
Tap-dancing my way to the mini-bar,
Fish
Email: bryan.fish.fischer@gmail.com
Twitter: @BF_TheFish
AIM: bryan.fish.fischer@gmail.com or Bryan Fischer
I wrote a song for Survivor too ! Three millennial mice ,Three millennial mice . God they are dumb , God they are dumb . At the bottom of triforce alliance their stuck , blew a chance at a million cause they are dumb as f%$k . Three millennial mice .Will I give the most slack . I get it Little Will is getting excited because a good looking older chick is giving you some attention . We have all made mistakes listening to the little guy but damn dude its a million bucks . You will have a lot of hotties giving you attention if you have a million bucks . I bet she didn’t even give you a boobie flash to get your vote . She is very religious . Turn on alliance , blew a million bucks not even a boobie flash . Dude you must learn to ignore little Will most of the time . Trust all of us older guys on this one . The moron o meter gives you a 6 . Hannah I will give you a bit of slack as well . I am sure you had a flashback of sitting alone in the high school cafeteria when Suzy , Cindy and some other cheerleaders come over to your table . They promised if you did their Algebra you could be their friend . Alas there was never an invite to a party or sleepover . They had used you . It hurt I get it . This was your chance to be cool for the first time . However deep down you know it will never happen . You knew the cool kids were going to gang up on everyone else the first day in camp . You had a plan . You found a friend and you were going to take them out . Instead you turned on your friend and cost you both a shot at a million . I feel for you but 9 out of 10 on the moron meter . Michaela no slack for you . You are just an idiot . Call out alliance , fight with co leader of said alliance , vote with that same alliance . You simply are dumb . You had the numbers . You hate Figgy , Figgy hates you . Send Figgy home . I cant wait to see Jeff take your torch . 10 OUT OF 10 ON THE MORON O METER !
I wonder if Tay Tay enjoyed running his tongue over Figgs’ mole? I find it so distracting, I can’t stop staring at it. Instead of Gollum, Jack thinks Schmiegel is a better name for David. I love the David Lee Roth reference for Paul. Honestly, at this point, I don’t know who I am rooting for. Maybe Ken? I like the 2 big guys on Gen X as well. Bret and his boobs and Bubba Esq. I also like Zeke but the best version of myself comment dropped him down a notch for me since I had to stop and puke. Odd all the Asian chicks are dropping like flies. I wonder if Lucy is going to start to feel nervous. If she goes next, I predict a law suit in the months of come.
My fave line of the night came from Jay (aka Nick from FTWD) to Jay – “I’m not losing a million dollars I need it and I know you need it if you want to snowboard and chill.”
Rich- I see your points. I see you… (Avatar)
kinb- thanks for that visual. did you see Figgy replied to my tweet!? Wait, do you Twitter? Start now. I’m still not in love with anyone. I hate when the “also-rans” win Survivor because all the big players were taken out. Just wish the Millennials were playing smart instead of playing with each other. So dumb. I would be okay if Lucy goes home, she’s a waste of a contestant. Everybody needs to bring it!
ericah- Totally! I was going to mention that but I figured it was too obvious. Everybody would ridicule that. Do these kids know they’re being recorded?