“Love is in the air, everywhere I look around…
Love is in the air, every sight and every sound…
That’s right, folks, love is in the air tonight (is this a John Paul Young/Phil Collins mash-up or what?) and since we’re only 1,600 miles from Australia, I say we break out that dusty VHS of Strictly Ballroom and paso doble our way to the bar to pour another episode of the greatest reality show on television, Survivor! And in case you don’t know how to dance, that’s okay because you’d probably spill your drink!
FYI, tonight’s recap is going to be a bit shorter than last week’s. With the whole premiere episode, and cast assessments, and 90 minutes, last week was always going to be a monster. But this week, we’ve got a “normal” episode, with a regular amount of gameplay and drama, so I’m hoping to not be typing this up at 2am in the morning…
Moving forward, I think I’ll try to have something special for you every other week so there’s a little more than just another saucy recap. Next week, I’ll endeavor to provide my updated Rankings of Every Survivor Player (or at least the top 150 or so) and I’ll find some other tidbits to throw at you later on. As I’ve mentioned, even though last season was particularly disappointing, Michelle did pass Tony Vlachos on my list of players, so it’s not like she was a bad winner. And she’s much cuter than he is…
So look forward to that next week and I’ll come up with some other stuff for the future. Not sure what those might be, but I’ll try amuse/bemuse/confuse the hell out of ya… Let’s dig right into episode #2, where it’s been teased there’s some love in the air. Let’s hope it’s none of that “cowboy spunk” Zeke was talking about in his intro video…
To the beach!
In the recap, we’re reminded:
the Millennials are super-stoked to be young…
Figgy is getting slut-shamed…
Taylor is either celebrating the “Triforce” or the “Tribe Whore”…
Kappa Kappa Pi(e) is running the show…
Moobs (Bret) is scaring David, and scarring him with his cut downs…
His Alliance of 6 is sitting pretty…
Rachel and the Twins went home… (Boo!)
It’s Day 5 and Gen-X still can’t make fire. As the de facto leader of the Alliance of 6, Paul Lee Roth is letting us know that he rules the roost, with David and CeCe on the outs. But he’s gonna give Davey boy a chance to redeem himself and allow him to try and make fire. Somehow – and with the TV Writer’s Guild’s approval – he manages to not chop off any fingers and he makes fire! Good on ya, Estrogen King! This is the greatest day in David’s life, as evidenced by the smile that won’t leave him for the next couple days (or at least until the next Tribal).
However, he comes down off his cloud when David Lee hands him a piece of wood to snap in two, which he fails at, so we know things are still right in the world. Chris reassures us that David will still be the next to go home, but in the meantime, they’ll just keep giving this “puppy dog” some chores to do; like collect wood, go fetch rocks, and bring everyone their slippers. David is just happy to be able to go out searching for an idol without being noticed, because he knows he’s on a tight leash. Get it?
He fetches a few angular boulders to sit on (seriously?) and in a moment of divine justice, he actually finds a Hidden Immunity idol hidden in a coconut. What?! On the verge of tears, he sprints to find a secret place to work and crack open that coconut (and seriously, how long did that take him?). I’m sure he returned to camp two days later with a bulge in his pocket. (Okay, maybe it was 15 minutes, and maybe I just imagined that scene…)
Over at the Millennial camp, TayTay and Figs are bonding in a “super rad” way. They’re ready to move in together, buy a bong, and maybe commit some petty larceny. Taylor admittedly has his love/beer goggles on, because how could he be so enamored with those bits of food in Figgy’s teeth?
Look, I bet she’s banging in real life, but as Coach told me when I interviewed him a while back, you don’t really think about hooking up with anyone considering how FUNKY everyone smells and looks. And as Jenn (Worlds Apart) tweeted during the broadcast:
“dude no f**king way did people on the new season make out? #nooooonono #weshitintheoceanweswimin”
So, I guess that confirms that… But Figs is in love with those baby blues which are so radiant in the sunlight…
And in the moonlight, the Funky Bunch simply can’t control themselves anymore and engage in some of the loudest kissing I can recall since watching last season of the Bachelor. Seriously? Have you guys seen the show? You just don’t cuddle up to anyone unless it’s for warmth. Do you know what “putting a target on your back means?” I guess not, as they continue their love-fest while Phil Collins plays the coconut drums nearby…
“Can you feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord, oh Lord…”
The next morning, everyone calls them out for playing tonsil hockey and a blushing Taylor – or is that sunburn? – is not hiding anything. His grin from ear-to-ear, or may the pube that’s stuck in his teeth, are totally giving him away.
However, he’s got a plan. And these are Millennials, so any of those “old Survivor rules” don’t apply. They’re not a power couple anyway, according to Figgy, so what’s there to worry about? The only person who seems bothered by any of this is Michaela, probably because there are no black guys on the tribe who could be starting her fire…
Zeke is the voice of reason when he says he can understand why these Millennials might think making out while playing the game is no big deal, but you gotta at least RECOGNIZE you’re making an error in gameplay.
The few tribemates who are discussing the “Funky Faux Pas” include Hannah, Mari, Zeke, and Jay…so you know Jay is going straight back to Tay and Figs to report how everyone is concerned about the Flower Couple. Jay shares with us a great confessional about how “women blind us men” and then “a dude is stuck at home with his girl when he should be out with his boys on bowling night.” Classic. Who bowls?
But he then gets the opportunity to pull Taylor aside give him the Power Couples Don’t Last pep talk, and how it’ll just allow them all to get plucked off one-by-one. But someone doesn’t need to be hearing this, homeboy Taylor has a plan, remember?
“This is how I’m gonna play it…”
So, chalk that up as the dumbest way to play Survivor: Go in, find a chick, mack on her, and own it. Let’s see how that works for you, Mike Reno…
Meanwhile, Ken is out fishing in the crystal blue waters and is skilled enough to spear an octopus. A good-sized one too. Good on him! He brings it back to camp and confesses how the game is helping him in a number of ways. He sees David as a kindred soul, since both of them are a little awkward socially. Ken reveals he’s had a speech impediment, which caused him to be a little bit of a wallflower when he was younger. But now, with his Adonis body, I’m sure he doesn’t need to do a whole lot to bag a few goddesses.
But it gives him (or David, more so) the chance to form a little alliance, we’ll call it the Polar Opposites Alliance (POA), and discuss what their options are against “Paul’s Posse.” We then see a shot of Paul Lee Roth flicking his hair and all I’m thinking about is Does this guy have any areolas? He’s all nipples… Frickin’ weird, I’ll tell ya…
So POA realizes they better make a move otherwise they’re going to get picked off, so David thinks it wise to reveal his Hidden Immunity Idol to Ken, and puts all his eggs in Ken’s glorious basket.
“Please don’t tell anyone,” which is the worst thing I’ve ever heard on the show. Ken, natch, tells Dave he’s “golden,” because come on, just look at him, and confesses he “believes in Dave and I’s alliance,” and with that comment, I know Ken will soon be headed over to the Bachelor franchise (hear that, Reality Steve!) because if there’s one thing that typifies the “Bach” franchise, is the misuse of the phrase “Blank and I’s” anything. It’s like they do it on purpose just to show us how stupid the contestants are…
But I digress…
I wrote a song for Survivor too ! Three millennial mice ,Three millennial mice . God they are dumb , God they are dumb . At the bottom of triforce alliance their stuck , blew a chance at a million cause they are dumb as f%$k . Three millennial mice .Will I give the most slack . I get it Little Will is getting excited because a good looking older chick is giving you some attention . We have all made mistakes listening to the little guy but damn dude its a million bucks . You will have a lot of hotties giving you attention if you have a million bucks . I bet she didn’t even give you a boobie flash to get your vote . She is very religious . Turn on alliance , blew a million bucks not even a boobie flash . Dude you must learn to ignore little Will most of the time . Trust all of us older guys on this one . The moron o meter gives you a 6 . Hannah I will give you a bit of slack as well . I am sure you had a flashback of sitting alone in the high school cafeteria when Suzy , Cindy and some other cheerleaders come over to your table . They promised if you did their Algebra you could be their friend . Alas there was never an invite to a party or sleepover . They had used you . It hurt I get it . This was your chance to be cool for the first time . However deep down you know it will never happen . You knew the cool kids were going to gang up on everyone else the first day in camp . You had a plan . You found a friend and you were going to take them out . Instead you turned on your friend and cost you both a shot at a million . I feel for you but 9 out of 10 on the moron meter . Michaela no slack for you . You are just an idiot . Call out alliance , fight with co leader of said alliance , vote with that same alliance . You simply are dumb . You had the numbers . You hate Figgy , Figgy hates you . Send Figgy home . I cant wait to see Jeff take your torch . 10 OUT OF 10 ON THE MORON O METER !
I wonder if Tay Tay enjoyed running his tongue over Figgs’ mole? I find it so distracting, I can’t stop staring at it. Instead of Gollum, Jack thinks Schmiegel is a better name for David. I love the David Lee Roth reference for Paul. Honestly, at this point, I don’t know who I am rooting for. Maybe Ken? I like the 2 big guys on Gen X as well. Bret and his boobs and Bubba Esq. I also like Zeke but the best version of myself comment dropped him down a notch for me since I had to stop and puke. Odd all the Asian chicks are dropping like flies. I wonder if Lucy is going to start to feel nervous. If she goes next, I predict a law suit in the months of come.
My fave line of the night came from Jay (aka Nick from FTWD) to Jay – “I’m not losing a million dollars I need it and I know you need it if you want to snowboard and chill.”
Rich- I see your points. I see you… (Avatar)
kinb- thanks for that visual. did you see Figgy replied to my tweet!? Wait, do you Twitter? Start now. I’m still not in love with anyone. I hate when the “also-rans” win Survivor because all the big players were taken out. Just wish the Millennials were playing smart instead of playing with each other. So dumb. I would be okay if Lucy goes home, she’s a waste of a contestant. Everybody needs to bring it!
ericah- Totally! I was going to mention that but I figured it was too obvious. Everybody would ridicule that. Do these kids know they’re being recorded?