SURVIVOR: MILLENNIALS VS GEN X RECAP – 9/22/16

Anywho, it’s time to dig into Season 33, and see how patient we can be, knowing that Season 34 is going to be Probstacular! I’m already counting the days till then. That said, let’s head to the beach and see how far Zeke makes it…

In the opening montage, I’m already jealous of the players for being able to go to Fiji. The cinematography is like a National Geographic documentary “The Most Beautiful Islands on Earth.” As the contestants are brought to shore, I’m already feeling the first few players who offer confessionals will probably be around a while. That’s how it works, right? And holy smokes, can someone get some concealer for Taylor’s neck growth!? In his defense, he’s done a lot of things…like “go to North Dakota.”

Mari’s got her early game swag on already, and her prediction she’ll win the game could be an indication she’ll make it to Final Tribal. We’ll see about that… And Zeke looks like he went to the Richard Hatch School of Dramatic Confessionals. Let’s hope we don’t see him naked. Sunday…that accent. Please make it go away. David, 14 years as an assistant writer. Must have paid well…

And as everyone joins Jeff on the beach, smiling from ear to ear, I’m reminded of how awesome it must be to play the game. I would kill to get the chance, and it’s evident how happy everyone is. That won’t last…

Jeff reveals the Millennials vs. Gen X theme and everyone appears to embrace their labels. I guess they have to, right? Will and his enthusiasm (and his voice) are already getting on my nerves. Calm down, Fish, calm down. Since I’m not writing this at night, as I used to, I don’t have a cocktail to keep me at peace. But the hangover I’m sporting from last night’s cocktails isn’t making this any easier. We plod on…

CeCe is busy making friends with her assertion Millennials are “handed everything.” I’m not sure I totally agree that is how I’d define Millennials, and Michaela obviously doesn’t agree with her “sista from another mister.” I’d define Millennials as more reliant on the technology that’s been developed for them, and being able to keep their optimism of finding a solution. But, it’s not a subject I think too much about, as I’m more concerned with Generation Z, and how I get my kids to stop looking at screens all day.

Probst details the first challenge for the contestants, which is to run amok on the beach and collect items that are scattered about. Based on the amount of insects I see crawling on all the food items, I can see why Jeff says their choices will offer short-term value:

…like stomach cramps

Or long-term value:

…like botulism

Jeff releases the hounds and in the first few moments we see:

David falling on his ass
Paul likes fish
The Millennials are taking the “staying together as a tribe” thing a little too literally
Lucy was thisclose to finding an advantage (has she seen the show before?)
Jessica finds the advantage, and shoves it up her butt

Times up! And Jeff calls everyone back to the beach. He tells them to collect their items, throws each a map to their camps, and drops a shady warning that “it’s cyclone season, get your shelter set up toot sweet”… Let’s see if anyone knows what a cyclone is. (Hint: it’s not a rollercoaster!)

The Millennials arrive first and do a quick roundtable of names, jobs, etc. One thing is for sure and that’s Millennials (at least THESE Millennials) don’t have a lot of regular jobs. But Taylor is a regular guy, who just sees a pretty girl (or two) and is deer-in-the-headlights dumb. Zeke seems to notice how different he is from everyone else and hikes up his pants a little, and takes his medication in preparation for his afternoon nap. Bedtime tonight at 6pm for this 80-year old…

Over at Gen-X (I could care less about tribe names at this point, those will matter later…) everyone is arriving at the new digs and checking out how cool it is. After a few hellos and hugs, Paul makes a speech about how jazzed he is he’s on this tribe (because it means he’s not the automatic “old guy” on a mixed tribe, I assume) and wants everyone to share his bliss. They mostly do, but then Ken has to be the buzzkill and mention how smart the Millennials are, “while we were working with our hands they were working with their minds,” and am I the only one who wants to punch Ken in the face right now? Being able to set up your own YouTube channel without watching a tutorial (on YouTube) ain’t exactly using your mind. I think Ken means well, but now was not the time to steal Paul’s thunder. I think Paul agrees with me with his “Grasshopper is smaaarrt” quip.

But, Ken is just trying to preach humility, and means well. He then let’s everyone know he’s been living in a grass hut on Maui for 5 years, so he knows how to build a shelter. Let’s hope he knows how to work with other people other than his daughter. Sometimes you gotta have some current life experience to do well on Survivor. Whatevs, the tribe gets busy building shelter, with Ken acting as foreman.

Jessica takes this period of activity to leak off into the jungle so she can read the clue she found. She knows it could be game-changing, and decides she doesn’t want to tell anyone she has it. Opening the envelope, she reads that she’s found the Legacy Advantage, which will offer her a leg-up in a challenge…if she’s still around on Day 36. That seems a long way off to offer any kind of motivation, but I do like her chances, as you’ve read earlier. The clue also reads that if she’s voted out before then, she has to “will it” to someone else. “Power Jess” don’t need to think about that, because she plans on riding this until the finale…

Over at Vanua (fine, I’ll use it!), the Millennials are still trying to play grown-up and build stuff. Didn’t I see this in The Lego Movie? There’s a cute little scene where Figgy tells us how big of a flirt she is, and how she’s going to win a million dollars AND find a husband. Seems we found our next Bachelorette, RealitySteve!

With most of the tribe heading off to collect coconuts, that leaves Figgy, Jay and Taylor alone to solidify their “Abercrombie and Bitch” alliance. Figgy is a little peeved that everyone’s split into groups, but as long as she’s with her boy-toys, she’s good. The three of them form their little surf-alliance and call themselves the Triforce. Tales, Figgy and Jay discuss pulling in Namaste (Michelle), and I’m getting worried this collision of beautiful things may implode the universe and cause catastrophic atmospheric disturbances (more on that later).

Hannah is noticing the rumblings of Kappa Kappa Survivor (good one!) and feels she’s already reliving every time she was ostracized in childhood. She makes nice-nice with Michelle, so maybe this’ll cheer Hannah up a little. Truth be told, Hannah, the only reason they’re inviting you to the prom in their limo is they needed you to cover the deposit…

There’s an interesting shot of a gecko licking his eyeball, and I’m wondering if that’s foreshadowing designed purely for Jessica. More on that later…

Back at Gen-X, we get a taste of how annoying Rachel can be and how sensitive Paul is while THEY’RE DIGGING A HOLE. While this innocuous activity shouldn’t produce anything negative, they both somehow manage to annoy each other…and me. As I said in my preview, NOW would be the time for her to remove her top, just so everyone’s blinded by her personality quirks… Sunday is noticing this about Rachel too, which begs the question:

What does “confrontive” mean…?

However, she’s right about Rachel being annoying, and the first crack in the wall appears (insert joke here).

The second crack is when David comes off as the biggest fish-out-of-water I’ve ever seen on Survivor. He doesn’t like sun, sand, beach, water, food, people, bugs, rats, sleep or Jeff Probst, but he loves the gameplay. Good luck with that, Davey boy. Oh, I’m sorry, am I speaking too loud for you? Seriously, plugging your ears when someone is chopping wood? Dude would be dead on the first episode of The Walking Dead.

He then shows how paranoid he is by thinking Ken and Paul may have found a hidden immunity idol and are coyly not hiding it, or running off, or…holding anything in their hands. Seriously, David, you have got to leave the show right now. You are doomed! Chris and Bret see right through it and know he’s a liability.

The Millennials are still knee-deep in playtime, when they should have been building shelter. When they get out of the water (seriously, was it THAT dark, or was that just color correction?) it’s obvious these kids are approaching DEFCON Ulong in tribe wretchedness.

What’s more important? Building a shelter or body surfing? And who is stepping up for these morons? It looks like Mari is the only one with any sense…

And just as predicted, the Large Hadron Beauty Collider has accelerator to an unsafe level and caused another cyclone in the south Pacific. And since these boobs still don’t have a shelter, looks like the Little Rascals are going to get wet tonight. Pretty miserable, I have to admit, but you reap what you sow, dummies… Boy, I bet you wish you could just reboot this season and start over, huh?

Things are just as worse over at Takali where the rain is continuous. Looking at everyone’s hands that are that wet is enough to tell me it’s not any fun. David is, well, David, but everyone seems not to be having a good time. However, Chris arrives with Treemail (is it cyanide pills!?) and the reveal that the show is giving each tribe a tarp to protect them from the coming storm. But, they need to give it back, else Probst and a fierce tribe of Fijian cannibals are going to come to collect…

The Millennials get their tarp and finally get to work on building a shelter (yeah, um, Day 2 is not the time to start, btw). With something resembling teamwork, the Vanuans begin to build something resembling a shelter, but it just looks like a mud pit with bamboo trunks lying around. Thankfully, Probst arrives via boat with more good news!

“The storm is getting worse and it’s been upgraded to a cyclone!”

Yay…?

Everyone is stoked to hear this, for some reason, and when Jeff tells them they’re going to be evacuated for their own safety, everyone seems confused, unsure, happy, I don’t know, is Millennial-able a word…?

Adam confirms how serious this storm is, and in what I can only define as “the loudest confessional anyone has ever given” (seriously, dude, do you have to yell every time you’re in a confessional?) he lets us know “this isn’t all fun and games.”

Looks like Jeff picked up the kids first because by the time he arrives at Gen-X beach, the wind and rain has intensified even more. He gives them the spiel about how serious this storm is, and tells them to collect their things and go with him. Maybe they took longer than expected, because by the time they get to Jeff’s boat, things are looking pretty hairy. Uh, just a word of advice, guys. It’s a bad idea to kill the host…

The next day, spring has sprung, and the Gen Xers return to find their camp essentially destroyed by the cyclone. Things scattered about, everything dirty, wet and muddy, and one large trunk had actually fallen onto their shelter, so THAT could have been interesting. The tribe gets quickly to work to restore the status quo, or at least as much “quo” as they had going for them.

David, still completely fumbling about, offers us the best site gag of the episode as he tries to collect firewood. Let me set the picture… David is struggling to snap a branch over his thigh wearing – in what I can only describe as…the boxers Kevin Bacon wore in She’s Having A Baby when he’s told he needs underwear that allows his “boys” to hang loose in his neighborhood. If you haven’t seen the movie, I do suggest you rent it.

Meanwhile, David is now opening up to some of his tribemates about his fear of dying (he thinks of it daily!) and just how out of place he is here. I would suggest future players don’t use David’s approach. He determines that his only hope is to go search for an immunity idol, because without one, he’s toast. Yet, he even does this poorly, and I’m afraid his fear of dying (on the show) may come to fruition. He openly looks around the area – in his best suit, mind you – in full view of everyone else. A few players discuss reigning him in (to help themselves, I’m sure) but essentially, he’s digging his own grave.

Back at Vanua, the Millennials are also busy getting their camp back in order. Zeke – that outdoorsy Brooklyn type, you know, there’s a lot of them – steps up and tells the others how they can fix the shelter. Since no one is any more qualified at “shelter assembling,” they all agree, and Grandpa is now the King of the tribe. I know who’s getting the big bowl of Jell-O!

That said, I would be really impressed by Zeke right now, however I’m totally thrown off by his chest hair and nipples, which resemble Tom Hank’s best friend, Wilson, on Cast Away. It’s eerie… (go back and watch it!)

Hannah once again is realizing the Pretty People Alliance is isolating themselves, so she decides to work on creating her own alliance. She pulls in Mari, who’s down to play with a Freaks & Geeks alliance, and she goes about recruiting Adam and Michaela. The numbers need to be on their side, and this is what Mari was made for.