SURVIVOR: MILLENNIALS VS GEN X RECAP – 9/22/16

Without further ado, I think it’s time to break open tonight’s coconut.

Cast Assessment

Technically, as a Gen Xer myself (however, I never thought of myself that way) you’d think I’d more likely root for them. But, this being Survivor, and me being me, I’m rooting for the people with the best game, the biggest moves, the best boobs (meow!), and the sexiest mojo. Nothing’s changed with me, I still want to see gorgeous people win the game by being sexy, athletic, and savvy about the game of Survivor. Go ahead, hate me for it.

And I’m not really sure why they’d go with the in-game photos on the website over the glamorous individual shots they used to present. Not sure if photographer Monty Brinton is still around, or did the show suddenly decide to save a few bucks and give Marty the day off? Not sure, but something seems different. As messy and unkempt as the players get anyway, you’d think they’d give us a little glam at the onset. And after watching all the intro videos, there are definitely a few Sheilas who would benefit from the efforts of the vanity departments…

Nevertheless, I’ve read the bios and watched all the intro videos, and present to you my thoughts on the cast of Season 33, with my predictions for their season finish. This means nothing, of course…

Adam Klein – Millennial: I really want to root for him, but something tells me he’s going to fall short. Way short. It’s just the vibe I get from watching his intro video. For some reason, he comes across as being a little less authentic than it takes to win, and sometimes that’s all it takes. Prediction: jury

Bret LaBelle – Gen X: It’s tough judging players from the northeast because you have the very successful Boston Rob/Jeremy/Tony type: tough, excellent bulls**t meter vs. the Dan Foley/Boston Rod type: doofus/goomba/psycho. That said, I like that he’s a cop, because he SHOULD be able to read people, but let’s see how hunger, sleep deprivation, and no badge to hide behind affects his gameplay. Prediction: jury

Chris Hammons – Gen X: Here’s the kind of guy who thinks he’s sooooo smooth in his everyday life. However, that trial lawyer/football player/alpha-male type isn’t really a good fit on Survivor. You might think you’re putting your ducks in a row, but the rest of us are stuck on that hillbilly accent and thoughts of what you do with cows at night. God, I hope I’m wrong… Prediction: no jury

CeCe Taylor – Gen X: She’s got boobs; I’ll give her that. But, alas, there’s not much else I see that’ll help her get far. Strong-willed, not an outdoorsy type (you see her try to catch that frog?), and her claim she can read people because she’s an insurance adjuster just doesn’t fly with me. I think at some point her nature will come out (it tends to surface with these fish-out-of-water types) and this momma will be thrown from the train… Prediction: no jury

David Wright – Gen X: You see, now here’s a guy that you think has no place being on this show, right? But I can’t believe the producers would put a guy like that on without first telling him, “Your character is going to be the guy who doesn’t belong here.” And just watch what this guy can do. He’s a writer, and a TV writer, so that means he can understand the concept of casting. And little guys like Cochran and Todd have won, so there’s precedence. I think he’ll “remora” his way to the jury, being a non-threat, and have to work a lot of magic. Prediction: no jury

Hannah Shapiro – Millennial: I don’t think anyone who gives off THAT big a dork vibe is going to win Survivor. I mean even Cochran – one of the biggest dorks this show has produced – at least gave off more of an intelligent dork vibe than just a dork vibe. Hannah screams goofball to me, and that’s not a great “sell” to the jury. Hell, she could hurt herself on day 1 and be sent to the bench.Prediction: no jury

“Figgy” Figueroa – Millennial: There’s nothing I significantly like or dislike about Figgy, but the fact she’s a bartender makes me lean towards liking her. Bartenders are typically good at reading people (hello, Michelle Fitzgerald), a very important quality in playing this game, so let’s see if that theory holds water. And she’s an athlete, so I hope her physical abilities will keep her around a while. And she’s cute. That’s always nice… Prediction: jury

Jessica Lewis – Gen X: I’m not going to lie. She was the 1st person from this season to follow me on Twitter so I’m totally in her corner. Does that mean I’ll hold back? Perhaps a little… But after watching her intro video, there’s not much to attack. She is the opposite of Chris whereby she isn’t defined by her job/activities/etc., she seems to be defined by where she came from. Good on ya, Jess! Love her hard-working, family oriented, POSITIVE, vibe. Now let’s see if she can spin a web of deceit and gameplay and make the finale. Prediction: Final Tribal

Jay Starrett – Millennial: Seems to be the right mixture of “cool brah” and manipulator to go far. Hopefully his tendency to run his mouth too much doesn’t get in the way of that. Lots of things to like about him, and I’m wondering why he said he’d comment on how good a dude looks but never said anything about playing attention to women. We’ll see, Kimo Slobby… Prediction: jury

Ken McNickle – Gen X: Here’s another one I really want to see do well. Not because he’s the bastard step-child of Ozzy and Nick Maoirano, but because he’s a good looking dude who loves his little girl and just seems to have the right attitude about playing the game. Let’s see if it’s all a front for winning the big bucks so he can do coke off a whore’s ass, but seriously, how many guys get that chance anymore anyway? Prediction: jury

Lucy Huang – Gen X: On paper, I like what I’m reading, but her intro video just makes me think Peih-Gee and Cydney had a baby and got her on Survivor. I’m starting to think there’s going to be a Black Widow “Asian Woman” alliance this season. What many of us know is that Asian women can be some of the sneakiest, back-stabbingest, underhanded b**ches out there, but is that just a stereotype? I hope we see Lucy stick around for a while, because her penchant for sticking her butt out may be a sign that she’s going to get nasty someday… Let’s keep our fingers crossed there’s a nude Jell-O wrestling/tickle fight challenge, and the winner gets to take a long, hot, tropical shower…in slo-mo. Prediction: jury

Mari Takahashi – Millennial: On the surface, a cute Asian woman with gaming proclivities and Survivor knowledge. Underneath, a former ballerina who’s probably much more athletic/strong/balanced than you’d think. Heck, I’m already in lust. If she reveals she likes online poker and drinking vodka, I could be in love. I’m expecting big things from this cutie-patootie, and I hope she’s open to some nudity in challenges. Prediction: Final Tribal

Michaela Bradshaw – Millennial: One of the most unassuming cast members I can recall. Doesn’t speak like she’s a big fan of the show, but maybe that’ll help her go deep. She seems…adaptable…which is one of the most important traits needed. If she can figure out the intricacies of the gameplay, she may do some damage. Hope she sticks around for a while… Prediction: jury

Michelle Schubert – Millennial: If I was just looking at a picture of Michelle, I would instantly say I want her to do well. Just looking at her Twitter profile photo and tell me that’s not the cutest girl you’ve ever seen… She reminds me, physically, of the second coming of Amanda Kimmel – and you know how much I like Amanda (schwing!). However, once I watched Michelle’s intro video and saw how intensely religious she is – and I’m not just talking “I go to church every week and love God,” religious – I almost get creeped out. She’s drinking some very strange Kool-Aid there, and I wonder how soon her thirst will get her into trouble. TBH, I’d love to see her stick around solely for the eye candy, but those confessionals are going to get painful. Gentlemen, start your boners… Prediction: no jury

Paul Wachter – Gen X: It’s tough judging a guy like this because – in real life – I think this guy would be a hoot. But in the game of Survivor, I just think his mouth, and his inability to shut it, will be his downfall. I’m already thinking he’s going for the Dan Foley “I’m going to say stuff!” vibe, but let’s see if Paul is a bit more grounded. As a singer in a rock band, I think he’s going to play too hard for the camera, and at some point, he’s going to be “the old guy.” I hope he goes deep, but I think he’ll get the axe fairly early… Prediction: no jury

Rachel Ako – Gen X: Okay, if you’re still sporting a boner from Michelle, it just got a lot “harder” to lose it. Folks, meet – in my humble opinion, THE PERFECT SURVIVOR CONTESTANT! Okay, maybe she won’t be great at challenges, or making fire, or building shelter, but when your tribe is getting tired, or hungry, or defeated, just know there’s a chance there’ll be some nudity to raise your, ahem, spirits. Man, I hope she sticks around…but for some reason, the hotties all seem to go home early… Prediction: no jury

Sunday Burquest – Gen X: Holy (literally) shit, did Survivor steal my Survivor: Holy War theme?! How many frickin’ zealots are in the cast this season? Will CBS be running reruns on TBN? Or BYU-TV? Or frickin’ Al Jazeera? I’ve mentioned in the past how religious Survivor is behind the scenes (Messrs. Burnett and Probst prove that) but seriously, is that the real theme this season? I really hope Sunday (ironic, huh?) doesn’t last, and typically contestants like her don’t: quirky, self-proclaimed bossy, and that wonky accent. Sorry, don’t let the gates of heaven smack you on the way out… Prediction: no jury

Taylor Lee Stocker – Millennial: This season’s Joe/Malcolm/Woo/Fabio is the snowboarder from Idaho. You just gotta like guys like this because they’re so social, and will probably be kept around for his strength and hard-working attitude, but you never know where his alliance will fall, and sometimes these “beach boys” fail to grasp the need to cling to people they’re not down with. A feather in the wind may be a great way to live your life, but in the game of Survivor, it could mean death. Let’s see who he ends up with and where they lead him… Prediction: no jury

Will Wahl – Millennial: Not sure why everyone is hating on this kid… Oh wait, I know, it’s his freakishly deep voice, his belief that (at 18) he’ll be able to manipulate ANYONE, and his impulse to use religion to sidle up to folks only to toss them to the lions. For shame, Christian! As I mentioned last season, young’uns ain’t going to win Survivor, they just don’t have it in them. Prediction: no jury

Zeke Smith – Millennials: You gotta love the whimsical gay man who can come on the show and just embrace how out of character all this is for him. And when you factor in his debating abilities, THAT isn’t something you want to go up against at Final Tribal, so he may want to keep that hidden from his competitors. Not sure how I feel about him saying he likes “cowboy spunk,” but I may not understand exactly what he’s referring to. Something tells me he’s going to become a Legend someday since he’s already getting the nod from Probst as “one to watch.” I hope he goes deep (stop it!) because Survivor needs humor and people who add entertainment value. Prediction: Final Tribal

Well, let’s see if I’m anywhere close to how this season will play out. We all know our predictions don’t mean squat in the big picture, because the game is constantly changing, ever fluid, and completely random, with injuries, alliances, deception, and just plain dumb luck turning the game on its head, so I’m not going to lose any sleep if I’m totally wrong. I’m a gambler, so I love the opportunity to see how my predictions go. Wish I could make money on this somehow…