“Guess who’s back, back again…
Fish is back, tell a friend…
Guess who’s back,
Guess who’s back,
Guess who’s back,
Guess who’s back…”
That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, your friendly neighborhood Fish is back and ready to recap another season of THE GREATEST SHOW ON TELEVISION. Now, I know some of you may be wondering who the hell I am, so let me give you a little sampling of what I do here on RealitySteve.com…
I follow in the steps of Reality Steve. I consume a show, throw in some snark, mix in a lot of Survivor history, a few 70s/80s/90s references, a couple boob jokes, and mix it all up with some 90 proof alcohol dependency, and you’ve got your basic Fish recap. I do try to keep it light (still, it’s NSFW, and please pardon my political rants on Twitter this election season) and will definitely keep it R-rated. Leave the kiddies at home, or don’t read my recaps on the way to school. We’re here to have fun, and to see just how far we can push the reality show envelope…
And while I profess to be a Survivor Uber fan, that doesn’t mean I won’t throw shade at the failings of my favorite show. I will be quick to point out any mistakes, goofs, errors, or any other shortcomings I see in casting, production, hosting, or marketing. As a 25-year veteran of the Hollywood entertainment scene, I do have some thoughts on the matter…
“I’ve created a monster, ‘cause nobody wants to see
Bryan no more, they want Fish, I’m chopped liver…”
But…I know I’m not why you’re here. You’re here for the same reason I am. We all love Survivor. I was there Day 1 of Borneo just like you. I’ve seen every episode – multiple times – and have committed many of the players, tribes, challenges, and moments of nudity to memory. I’m just the one with the format to provide you with this recap. And never fret that I don’t appreciate every read, message, comment, tweet, like or favorite from all of you. I’ve come to embrace the opportunity to write this recap, which is why I missed doing it last season so much.
I don’t want to Bogart anyone’s high right now, so I’ll touch on what happened to me last season in another column. I know you want to dig in to Season 33 – as do I – so let me refresh my cocktail and hit play on this monster. Time to get dirty…
“…well if you want Fish, this is what I’ll give ya,
a little bit of snark mixed with some hard liquor…”
And yes, do forgive my boozy wit. There’s nothing I like more than ripping on the fortunate souls who get on Survivor, than… ripping on the fortunate souls who get on Survivor while I’m drinking. Let’s just say there’s a lot to the expression, “There’s truth in wine,” when I’m typing…
“…some vodka that’ll jumpstart my wit quicker
than a shock when I get shocked on Twitter when I’m not cooperating…”
Pure and simple, I’m here to make you laugh, or chuckle, or gasp, or whatever else you do when you read a recap. I’m just trying to amuse you. So please, sit back, relax, put your feet up, pour a drink with me, and have some fun. Life’s about to improve a little now that Survivor is back on. That is, until episode 8, when we find out who our next president is. And boy-o-boy, I’m betting dollars to doughnuts this country is going to be pissed off, no matter which demagogue is elected.
“…so this must mean I’m disgusting, but it’s just me, I’m just obscene…”
Apologies to Eminem for hijacking his track, it just seemed to work to get my feet wet writing a recap again. Hopefully, it’ll get easier as the season drags on. And please 8-pound, 6-ounce, newborn baby Jesus, help my fingers find the keys to type something funny, because nobody wants to read another boring Survivor (god knows there’s too many of those already).
Once again, I have to throw props out to the guy who makes all this possible. The guy who Mike Fleiss hates (but secretly adores), who Chris Harrison wishes never existed, and who Nick Viall will end up hating… To Monsieur Reality Steve, a big merci beaucoup for the opportunity to offer these recaps to the world. During my time of crisis last season, Steve was a dude for sticking by me. I was humbled, appreciative, and happy he let me return. So, to Steve, a big thank you, and I owe him a 2-for-1 at Spearmint Rhino in Vegas the next time we’re there…
Welcome back you sarcastic son of a gun . Have not read your recap but I am sure it will be on point !
Yeaaaa Yaaaaaa Yaaaaaaa Yaaaaaa
Sorry but Yaaaaaa! Foxy Fishy is back. 🙂 I almost had to quit watching Survivor. You will be pleased to know that myself, Jack the bartender (who is now almost 12) and our rising fan Ashlyn (who is 5 and likes WWE wrestlers and any buff young guys on Survivor, especially ones with J names like Joe or John) and I held down the weird Aubry/Tai/Michelle fort for you last spring. Glad that’s over. I don’t have any brilliant comments yet, especially none as brilliant as yours Mr. Fish. Initial thoughts, David creeps me out (can we nickname him Gollum?) and I don’t like the mole on Figgy’s face. And hey, why no footage of where the contestants were taken during the storm? Did they sleep on the floor in a cement shelter? Were they in a real hotel? Seems like they got a freebie easier day. Anyway, so glad to have you back. Just to bug you, I am going to root for Sunday, Paul and the creepy 18 year old. Big wet kiss!!!!
Lets see claim to be good at puzzles then suck at puzzles , openly get caught searching for idol , openly accuse someone else of having idol , being afraid of noise and being useless at camp . That is an awfully impressive season . David did it all in one episode ! The person who gave the final ok for him to be on the show should be fired immediately ! Between the stupid tri force nickname ,calling another man tails and Figgy s unbearable ego I can only hope they all three get voted off in one episode . You have to be cuter than that to be so annoying Figgy ( see Morgan and the coconutz ) ! Speaking of coconuts I will miss not having anymore R and R (Rachel and her rack ) . Mari and Zeke are my two choices for potential winner . Its only one episode but I don’t see any dominant athletic guys . Zeke isn’t dominated physically like he would be on a show with a Malcolm or Ozzie type player . He is smart and seems best able to adept to what is going on around him . Mari is just enough smart ,cute and strategic to last a long time . She also seems to have the smarts to stay under the radar until she needs to make a move . I think its too simple to assume Paul is the man down .Its too obvious . Showing that clip of David saying this is the best thing that could happen for me makes me think that was said after a previous incident and its indeed the king of paranoia having the heart attack . Hell he probably saw a spider and went into cardiac arrest . Welcome back my friend and I apologize to my boss and all my clients . I wont be getting much done on days when I am reading my man Fish s column !
You’re back!
With everything in life I always go right to “how would this fair in a zombie apocalypse” and you’re right, David is easy pickings.
Should be a good season
Ladies & Gentleman! Thank you, thank you, thank you for welcoming me back. It’s good to be back, and I’m so happy you’re all back too. (Thought I’d lose everyone not recapping). I am eternally grateful..
kinb: Hey momma! XO Happy to hear your crew is still into Survivor. I’ll try to keep my liver functioning until Jack can legally serve. And I guess Ashlyn likes Jay…? Or only Probst? Yes, where is the footage of the “safety zone?” I guess that would be revealing too much “behind the curtain.” I think I saw Rachel discussed their stay there, but I didn’t follow up on it. Question is, do they get deducted one day in my Rankings because they weren’t “playing?” Hmmm…. And maybe I’ll use Gollum, or maybe something more nasty. Gotta think about it… And I don’t like your picks. You can have them! I’m all about the Mari/Jess/Ken trio, but I know Zeke will stick around for awhile… Thanks for coming by!
Rick – You still hate BBQs?! Good to have you back. Yeah, that was an epic fail episode for David. Can’t believe he only got one vote. With you on Figgy, but I bet she cleans up real well… As they all do. Ah, Morgan, the good old days… And maybe it’s not Paul, I’m just being logical. It could be Bret too. His boobs are almost as big as Morgan’s so his health may not be top notch either. Thanks for the comments! Say hello to your boss!
erica! So glad you’re here. Please keep coming by and dropping comments when you can. I do hope we’re right about David, he needs to go. And do you watch Fear The Walking Dead? Loving that… Hugs!
Fish
Hey Fishy, You know I partially only picked my favs since I knew you’d be irked by all of them. Even my snarky self is bugged by Gollum though. What a weirdo. I wonder what show he writes for? Please God, not a show my kindergartener watches!!! As for Ashlyn’s picks, she will go for the best looking guy but since none of them are especially buff, she may just dream that one of her favorite WWE wrestlers was a contestant. You may be on to something about the Paul heart attack being a red herring. I mean, look at a few seasons ago when Caleb, aka, Beast Mode Cowboy was evacuated. I just hope Paul didn’t get uber constipated like the old guy last season. I still picture a giant turd backing up the plumbing at Ponderosa (that made Jack laugh). Anyway, you are right about Zeke. I like him so far too, so maybe we can both root for him. I think you are just still a bit salty after my favorite Mike won a while back. That was our first and only fight. Sniffle Sniffle.
Almost forgot, love the Bret’s boobs comment! And hey, if one of his nips slip, there won’t be the wavy lines covering it. I’m wondering if Bret will tell everyone he’s a cop or be like Tony and do “construction.”?
Kate: Don’t justify your sh**ty picks, just own them and pretend you wanted them all along. It takes a lot of cajones to root for bad people. Trez a propos, today…
I looked at David’s writing credits: Malcolm in the Middle, a lot of Family Guy, something called Supah Ninjas, nothing to “write” home about. Yeah, maybe I’m a little jealous, but I know I’m probably working less hours…
I’m still surprised no one’s pulled an oblique laughing at my Zeke’s chest hair = Wilson from Cast Away. That’s like the funniest thing I’ve ever written. And if you throw in my “It also resembles a plecostomus,” then that’s worthy (IMHO) of writing for a show like…Family Guy. Maybe I should take my phone off silent…
Fine, Mike was worthy. I said it 2 years ago. Get over it, sweetheart!
Sometimes I wish they would blur men’s nipples…