Koh Rong, Cambodia. Fully expecting someone to die from a snake bite or killer croc this season. Jeff Probst takes us through the depressing reality that everyone this season is a LOSER. So much for those notions of everyone being an All-Star, I guess. Particularly, Woo’s failing, and the reminder that Keith is a spitter, are prevalent.
And I’m already thinking that Woo is gonna win season 31. Damn you, Survivor editors!
Amidst the hustle and bustle of a Third World market (and I’ve been to Bangkok, so I can vouch for the authenticity of how nasty this is) the players recall their past failings and how ready they are now. I don’t buy most of it.
And while everyone seems to be saying exactly what you’d expect, I’m only annoyed by Abi. There’s just no winning with that one…
We finally get to see the junk where the players come together to meet with Jeff. He gives them the “you’re losers” speech and allocates buffs. The tribes are:
Ta Keo
Vytas Baskauskas, Survivor Blood vs. Water
Spencer Bledsoe, Survivor Cagayan
Terry Deitz, Survivor Panama
Abi-Maria Gomes, Survivor Philippines
Woo Hwang, Survivor Cagayan
Peih-Gee Law, Survivor China
Shirin Oskooi, Survivor Worlds Apart
Jeff Varner, Survivor Australia
Kelley Wentworth, Survivor San Juan del Sur
Kelly Wiglesworth, Survivor Borneo
Bayon
Joe Anglim, Survivor Worlds Apart
Jeremy Collins, Survivor San Juan del Sur
Ciera Eastin, Survivor Blood vs. Water
Stephen Fishbach, Survivor Tocantins
Tasha Fox, Survivor Cagayan
Kimmi Kappenberg, Survivor Australia
Kass McQuillen, Survivor Cagayan
Keith Nale, Survivor San Juan del Sur
Monica Padilla, Survivor Samoa
Andrew Savage, Survivor Pearl Islands
And with the lines drawn, Jeff spells out the first challenge: come collect as many supplies off the junk, and then race to another boat where a giant bag of rice hangs. With that, “the game is afoot” and everyone dives into the water.
Frantically, everyone races to collect items, and load a raft that’s tethered to the junk. Ta Keo gets a slight lead on Bayon and cuts loose first. Kelly Wiglesworth takes the early initiative and starts swimming for the other boat, but soon tires and that’s when Joe jumps in for Bayon. Soon, Woo joins the race and it’s nothing but pure Survivor. Woo claims the bag of rice for Ta Keo, and Jeff takes us to the main title…
Ta Keo arrives at their beach first and the joy at starting the game is evident. You can see that everyone loves playing this game, just as much as we all love watching it unfold. No tension, no drama, no reality show bulls**t. I’m sure that’ll come later… But the tribe gets busy making shelter, and setting the groundwork for what alliances may unfold.
We see Kelly playing worker ant around camp
We see Terry making nice with Spencer, who loves playing not nice
And then we see Abi being Abi. Almost freaking out because she can’t find her bag with her favorite bracelet in it.
And I’m sure we’re all wondering why anyone else would give a s**t about someone’s stupid bracelet, but oh well, reality show drama…
We fly over to Bayon and they too, are putting in some Day 1 effort. Everyone is busting their butt to make camp happen…and also begin to put their alliances together. No one is working harder than Jeremy, who enlists, Keith, Tash, Savage, and Joe onto his “haves.” And throws Fishbach onto the “have-nots” alliance.
And while Joe explains that the Alpha Males all need to stick together this time around, the look on Fishbach’s face is priceless. I guess he realizes he’s not an Alpha Male. He’s an Omega Male, and begins wondering how soon it’ll be til he’s doing another podcast with Cesternino. We’ll see if he “flames out” as quickly as he predicts.
Back at Ta Keo and Vytas is beginning to lay the groundwork of what his season will be like. He’s ingratiating himself with the women, which is kinda coming across as smarmy to both me and Shirin. She’s always quick to label people good or bad, and she’s clearly not on Vytas’s team. She heads over to enlist Spencer and Varner, and we get to watch Varner almost implode with how different the game is now, and how far behind the 8-ball he is. But, he’s glad that someone’s talking to him, so he’ll just ride this train for however long. Not really the game plan for winning, but let’s see where things go…
And we’re going back down the rabbit hole with Abi, who’s found her bracelet…in Peih-Gee’s bag! OMFG. So, the question of whether she should confront Peih-Gee or let it slide is discussed, and Abi chooses to play it cool.
Or not. Abi begins to systematically discuss the missing/found bracelet with EVERYONE in the tribe, to the point where Peih-Gee finally has to confront her about it, and with the type of handling that typifies many female conflicts, the two of them decide to hate each other inwardly, and feign mild disgust outwardly. Dude, if it were two guys they’d confront and move on, these two birds are just smoldering… Such grown-ups!
Back to Bayon and while Joe tries his best to put all his masturbation exercises to good use making fire, Stephen is off trying to save his skin and find an idol. Trouble is everyone knows he’s doing that, and he’s no good at finding idols without a clue. But Joe, on the other hand, is great at masturbating, so he blows his wad and makes fire for the tribe. Everyone loves Joe. Especially Savage.
Day 2 arrives and Varner still seems like a fish out of water. He claims he’s playing hard, but it just looks like he’s not prepared for this. He heads off to the beach with Peih-Gee to discuss who to vote off first, with Vytas and Abi both mentioned. However, Varner claims he’s in between the two factions – shelter and beach – and that’s not a great place to be so early in the game. Near the bottom of either faction.
Day 3 quickly rolls around and Kelley Wentworth (or Wentworth) is eager to start playing the game. She knows she’s got a lot to make up for from her last season, so she takes the initiative to go gather palm fronds and coconuts…and look for the immunity idol. And while she innocently looks around, she finds something in the crux of a tree, and a million little boys just got their first chubby when she sticks it down her shorts… She determines it’s only a clue to an idol, and we find out the first of the big “twists” this season: that the hidden immunity idol will be hidden at the immunity challenge. So, will she be able to pull off getting the idol secretly, or will she be exposed for hiding the clue?
The beach at Bayon is magical, and when Savage and Kimmi bring back the tribe flag and the first Treemail, the upcoming challenge is described. It appears the tribes will have to re-enact the first challenge that was played on Borneo, which was some type of run on the beach, if I remember correctly. Savage does his best to fire up the tribe, keep them in harmony, and Monica (bless her heart) says something cute, but I wasn’t listening…
The tribe (save Keith) heads to the beach to do some Joega, but all Tash can think about doing is some Joe…
Ta Keo has their own yoga class going on, and it’s being taught by Vytas. Trouble is, not everyone wants to look at his “downward facing dog,” specifically Wentworth and Abi, which he’s smart enough to observe. Vytas heads over to Pop (Terry Dietz) discusses taking out Abi first (yes, please!) because everyone hates her. Seems like a plan, but let’s see if Wentworth f**ks it up at the challenge.
Yaaa, I get to be your very first poster of the season! Back with my favorite Mr. Fish. As I said last season, you know I can’t quit you. Speaking of which, loved all the comments about Joe’s long erect pole. Nice one! (I actually don’t get all the heavy breathing about Joe, I don’t think he’s that hot, oh well) I am so excited about this season. You know my feelings were hurt that you were making fun of Keith. Fishy, you know I love all the weird losers. Are you still bitter about Mike winning last season. We had our first big fight about that. (sniff). But just to keep it spicy between us, here’s my take on the contestants. Wiggles worth, nothing actually wiggles on her face since she’s had waaaaay too much botox. Yuck. Still love Woo, mostly because my 10 year old son loves him. Jack also loves Jeremy. He always roots for the alpha male. We hate Abi, she has a mean piggy face. So far Kass doesn’t bug me. Spencer is already wound way too tight. Tasha is ok, a bit cocky I think this time. I have no clue who Kimmie or Monica are, I missed some seasons for a while. Pi Gi is just kinda blah, just like she was in China (Jack really wishes they’d late James the grave digger come back.) Ciara bugs me, just like when she played with her mom. I also never saw Fishbach’s season. Isn’t he a big time blogger? What’s his deal…. I think you hit the nail on the head about Kelly W. She’ll be kept around a while out of respect but she seems like all the botox fried her brain and she’s in a perm-a daze. I agree, totally dumb to get rid of Vytas though I was about to barf when he kept bending over and showing his backwards bulge. Even Jack yelled out “EWWWWW” Hopefully Shirin won’t get naked again. I still can’t quite put my finger on what type of rodent she looks like? Ok, enough for now. So glad you are back. You ROCK! (and are a much better blogger than Fish-bleck)
Apparently, you weren’t thinking of us when you made that promise to your dearly beloved; however, I did have a moment of silence for your lost seat last year added with a big dash of hope that all your seat dreams come true this year. You’re welcome.
I came to the site today with fingers crossed that you would be back to re-cap once again. YAY!!! Awesome. I need my weekly dose of snark and boob/junk jokes!
I was struck by how the years have taken their toll on some of the Old School players. Ah well…happens to all of us. Likely they will find this to be a great diet plan once again. (If they last that long)
Abi…ugh…can she be the one that gets eaten by a crocodile or something please? She is just the worst! Who voted for her? I call shennanigans…I think producers put her there to up the drama level.
Happy happy happy to see that you are back. Tell your wife we appreciate her sacrifice of your time…don’t skimp on the re-caps!
Hey Hey Hey, it’s Fat Albert! Actually, it’s Fat Survivor as I’m shocked at how how of shape these people are. And I don’t mean the guys. C’mon ladies, you know you could be voted on, at least TRY to hit the gym before you fly to Cambodia! Thank God we have Kelley and Monica to lust over, right?
Sorry, had to vent. Just sickened at how that aspect is not to my liking.
Welcome back, kids! I’m back (by the hair of my chinny chin chin) and I’m fired up this season. I was pumped writing the column the other night, however I do feel like I shortchanged you. As I mentioned, I need to keep the recaps shorter, and since it was the first episode, and 90 minutes long, I still wrote a lot, but I’m not happy with what I turned it. I’ll try harder next week!
Kinb! You know I could never leave you. You are my first, my last, my everything. Missed ya, momma! Not sure what to say about Joe without sounding gayer than I already have. Let’s just say I get why women like him. But only for a weekend and then they come back to reality. Good enough for Joe, I bet…
-I can’t understand why you like Keith. Do you like fishing, too? And pickup trucks? And your cousin? Shirley, I jest..
-I’m fine with Mike, now that the season’s over. As I mentioned, he produced one of the most dominant seasons EVER, but that’s kinda like saying he won gold at the Special Olympics (stop, I’m joking)…
-Yeah, ain’t nothing “wigling” there. I thought she was supposed to be all natural and yoga-y and shit…
-Boo, Woo. Yay, Jeremay, and Abi is one of those girls who looks cute when you’re drunk at the bar at closing time, and she’s acting all slutty, and you have no other options so you take “it” home, and when you wake up, you’re like, “Fuck, I’m Jewish, and I don’t even like pork…”
-Oddly, this group is super old. Spencer is the baby at 22. Maybe that’s why he seems kinda inferior…
-And is Tash not married? She wanted some Joe. Wonder what happened at Ponderosa…?
-You gotta watch all the seasons just to see where these folks came from. And Peih-Gee just strikes me as so boring. You can tell a lot of these players are not playing up a “character” like regular seasons. These folks are playing for themselves. Wonder how the rest of the season is gonna go and if the show will ever do it again…
-Fishbach. Another dweeb who’s attained cult status just because he was on the show. You gotta look like you belong, not just TALK like you belong.
-Vytas said in interviews that he wasn’t trying to be all gross, but that’s what happens when you run around in your underwear. I’m kinda like, “Why the fuck does everyone have to do that? Wear your damn shorts!” Gross.
-Shirin looks like a mongoose. She’s fuckin’ Rikki-Tikki-Tavi…! Can’t believe that didn’t occur to me Wednesday night…
-And thank you, Annie, for being my “biggest fan.” I look forward to your hospitality… 😉
Susie! Thanks for the mojo! I do hope it doesn’t fall through. Now, just gotta get cable so I can actually watch the shows live! I’ll do better next week, I promise!
Hathor!! I will do my best to bring the snark and boob/dick jokes. Those are still funny, no matter what the PMRC says. Seriously, it’s an easy “go-to” but I strangely find myself chuckling when I think of them. I hope I’m not offending anyone… Or if I am, GTFO, you don’t belong here, grandma!
-Totally agree with your Old School observation. Like I wrote earlier, it’s not pretty out there… Can’t wait to see what the “4 Week Survivor Diet” will do for some of them…
-Jeff promises the show didn’t place anyone, so we only have America to blame. Not sure who would vote her there, cause she’s a back-stabbing bitch (to women) and she resembles Porky Pig (to men). So WHO voted for her? Fess up, you monsters…
-Thank you for returning. I’ll try my best and hopefully this season takes off…before I take off. Gotta stick it out for one more season and then let’s see where this “career” leads me. Til then, it’s boob and dick jokes…
Loving all of you!
BF
Busy this week, so just got around to watching episode Most of my comments have already been mentioned, so I won’t repeat. But I can’t let this go. Please stop with the bra shots of very chunky women! Just like underwear shots of fat men should be banned, so should jello shaking boob shots.
The whole idol finding( I guess . clue finding this season) seems suspect). Just how big an area are the contestants confined to? Not complaining on who found the clue, but seemed way too easy. Looking forward to a new season.
Fish! Glad you’re back and giving us the perfect amount of snark. I look forward to each and every episode and your version of what REALLY happened!
Doc! Thanks to your comment, I went off a little in last night’s recap. I totally agree with you. I think it has a little to do with what we expect to see on the show, and far they’ve let themselves go. Can’t wait for the Survivor diet to kick in…
-I wonder too, about how difficult it is to find idols. Are they looking for 10 minutes, or 4 hours?
-And I hope you mean you’re looking forward to THIS season, right? You know things’ll improve…
jberry! My pleasure. I hope I can dish it the way you like it! 😉