I’m pissed. Not pissed drunk. Just pissed pissed. And if you don’t follow me on Twitter, you may not be aware that tonight was supposed to be one of the best nights in my life. In. My. Life. Yes, getting married, witnessing my son’s birth, meeting my favorite author, and touching my first boob (thanks, Deji!) all rank higher than today, but tonight was up there. Like, top 10 up there…
And then today happened. Forgive me for going on a bit of rant here, since I know you’re not here for that, but I’ll try to liven it up with some relatable comments and scattered d**k and boob jokes…
Let me set the scene for you. As all of us know, tonight is the final episode of season 30, immediately followed by the Reunion show, which leads us to the big reveal of the 20 players voted on to Season 31. It’s arguably one of the biggest nights EVER in Survivor history, considering how much attention S30 has received and how monumental S31 is going to be. (And yes, it’s going to be monumental!). And so if the finale is not held in New York, it’s typically taped at CBS Television City – about a mile from my home in LA. But this year, someone decided to tape it at CBS Studios in Studio City, about 8 miles north of here, in the San Fernando Valley. Not sure why they made that change, maybe it’s a sign Survivor is going through the same cost cutting measures that American Idol went through. Fingers crossed we’re not heading down THAT path. Anywho, since I write a blog on Survivor, I thought it would be cool to take a peek behind the Survivor
curtain and watch the finale live. And since I might be persona non grata at said taping, I registered with one of those “seat filler” companies and was shocked when my request was approved…+1!
It was kind of a coup I could even get these tickets, considering the things I’ve written about the show, the host, CBS, and mostly, the players who act the fool to achieve their 15 minutes. So the fact I was being welcomed in was kinda like inviting a vampire into your home…at least that’s how I saw it.
As of Wednesday morning, I was getting ready for the big day when I received a text at 8:30am. Babysitter had to cancel! F**k me. So I scrambled and called everyone I know to help me out ‘cause I was in a pinch. I couldn’t stress enough how important the day was, and had to seriously debate whether I’d have to not go. Fortunately, I finally found a replacement sitter (props to Valente!) who’d had to make the trip up from Long Beach…on the train and then a bus, and then walk 15 minutes to get here. His arrival time would put me dangerously close to missing the latest check-in time with the seat filler company, so time was of the utmost importance.
Leaving home later than expected, I was pleased when my Über driver – a TV show stand-in is his “real” job, who coincidentally used to work at the same CBS Studio we’re going to – could understand the importance of the day.
He busted ass using every shortcut imaginable between here and the Valley, and successfully got me to CBS five minutes before the check-in cut off time. Awesome, I thought! (You’re still not getting a tip from me, though) And so I check-in, get my wristband….and then waited. And then waited some more. Finally, we were divided into 3 lines and taken through the metal detectors, and then waited again. (BTW, seat fillers are treated like cattle, akin to the Extras who make $60/day on films and TV shows). We were finally marched over to the soundstage – in a straight line, natch! – and then waited some more. Excitement rose as I could see people starting to file in. I was near the back of the line I ended up in – and I’m very tall – so I could see everyone and how excited they were to be escorted in.
Suddenly, the organizer of the seat fillers came out with a troubled look on his face. He kept listening/responding to the voice in his earphone who was feeding him info. He turned away from us – there was maybe 30 of us left – shook his head slowly, and then breathed a heavy sigh. He then turned to us and said, “I’m sorry, the house is full. You all have to leave…”
F**k me. F**k my life. And f**k the seat filler company for inviting too many people, I know they need to be covered, just in case, but with all the effort those of us who were turned away had put into arriving tonight. I think there could have been some contingency plan in place. Between me and my baby sitter, we probably spent around $100 to make this event happen, and I’m really disappointed they didn’t consider our effort to be there. And BTW, I’m not ever forgiving my original babysitter…
I think tonight was the perfect analogy for the last few seasons of Survivor. Just when you think something good is about to happen – like Mike going on an Immunity Challenge streak and blazing his way to a win – this snafu happens which might mean that Rodney takes the title…or even worse, POS. However, if one of those scenarios happens, I may seriously be done with Survivor…
Ah, who am I kidding? I’ll just write a scathing recap tonight and take my aggression out on the keyboard… Watch out, Survivor! Watch out, Dan and POS. And if you must know, yes, I’ll still watch every episode next season, because I LOVE this show that much. Doesn’t mean I ain’t gonna call a spade a spade, though…
Now that that’s out of the way, I’m gonna try to make lemonade out of lemons. There’s a finale to recap, and I’ll be damned if I waste any more time bitching about my travails. But…I’ll probably continue my trend of skimming over some stuff, because there’s A LOT to get to, and I’m already on my second cocktail…
Your blog is enjoyable but absolutely impossible and frustrating to read due to the ads that pop up automatically regardless if you click on them or not. Is there anyway to chill out w the ads? I know you’re making money but it is seriously making me mental.
Thank you-
Oh no Bryan, say it isn’t so! I hate this part of the season, and yet its so much fun too. I can honestly say reading your recaps are as fun as watching the show. You do a great job. We don’t always agree on everything but hey, its fun. I think you bashed Mike way too much this season and I felt a tiny sense of smug satisfaction that he won. I wanted to send you a tweet (and I hate Twitter) saying HA! He really did deserve to win. Some thoughts, Carolyn, speaking of smug, she was the epitome of the word. Yeesh! She sure cleaned up nice at the reunion and looked about 20 years younger. But I was so glad she didn’t win over Mike and even more pleased that she wasn’t chosen for the new season. I think she was shocked. I was happy with a lot of the picks. Agree with you totally about Abi. Yuck. I was actually happy about Cass. But you know how I like annoying players. You gotta have a few of them just for fun. My 10 year old son loved that Woo and Jeremy were back and we actually both liked Keith. I must have a soft place in my heart for rednecks. I actually have some in my DNA I think, which may be why. Dan was a total loser last night. That was kinda funny how Jeff proved him wrong with the whole “your mama’s a ho” thing and yet, it showed what a prick Jeff is too. Meow! Loved your reference to the ATL housewives about POS’s wife. So true! Can’t wait for the new season. A few of the players I don’t know at all. I have a black hole of about 8 seasons I never watched. So sorry you didn’t make it on the show last night. That was a total bummer. Oh and love the “Cockring” reference too. So funny! Miss you already Fishy. You are a great writer, seriously. Have an awesome summer!!! I CANT QUIT YOU……
Thanks for the recap – love your work. This season felt so unfinished and unsatisfying, but an extra laugh at your recap has helped me put it to bed. I’m ready to move on now – bring on season 31.
Gosh it sucks that you didn’t get in to watch the finale live! That would have been awesome! At any rate, I’m so glad Mike won. I wasn’t his biggest fan at the beginning but he was beast at challenges and does seem like a genuinely nice guy. Congrats to him!
I agree with you about POS though – I can’t believe he actually got even a single vote! Being a complete jerk aside, WTF did he even DO this season? Re: his wife yelling at Shirin from across the stage – just goes to show how classless they both are. His apology to Shirin was def not genuine and was only said b/c of the backlash he was getting for being such a jerk.
Looking forward to next season! I really am not family with the girls so I didn’t vote (I haven’t seen ALL of the seasons) but I think 9 of my 10 mens’ votes are on! I know you aren’t a Woo fan but I have to tell you that I watch this show with my 8 year old son and we LOVED Woo on his season! He always reminds me of when Woo fell out of the coconut tree. haha! It’s the little things…. 🙂
Have a good summer and can’t wait to read your recaps in the fall!
– Bonnie
Man, massive bummer about getting screwed out of the finale. Imagine if you hadn’t DVRd it and would have missed however long it took for you to get home. Definitely sucks.
To sum up the episode in general: So pleased Mike won out the challenges, it pleases part of me that one of each collar made it to the final 3 (even though as stated in the past, I wish nothing but ill towards POS).
Jury comments.
Joe – *yawn* really man? Boring. I need flare! I need ZING!
Hali – Falling asleep over here, surely you could have at least said something bad about Will being the first no collar to break ranks and screw you right?
Rodney – Keep it real brothah! Keep it real. Also seriously? No comments towards Mike? Come on man, unleash the beast. We all saw what you thought about him after you failed to build a decent fire. Nothing? Really?
Tyler – Generic “Who can kiss my ass best?” questions. Boring.
Sierra – Seriously? Only a question to POS? Really? Are you undecided? What are you going for here? Nothing to Mama C who betrayed you at the last tribal? Nothing to Mike who you made a meaningful promise to about sticking on his side and still getting voted off? Come on… where are my fireworks Jury?!
Jenn – Finally, some action. Thankyou for reminding at least half the jury that they’re stubborn idiots. We wholeheartedly agree (though if you were serious about claiming you’d vote for Rodney over Mike and POS if he made it over Carolyn, then you need a spanking, one of which I’d be happy to deliver.)
Dan – Pointless blah blah.
Had to disagree with Shirin’s speech at least a little bit. If Mike made you feel better than a million bucks, I’d argue that he’s worth voting for. The Howler Monkey who is clawing, trying his best to stay in the game, make waves, is infinitely more interesting to watch (even if the accent can at times be tiring) than the stingray who just floats around, takes a poo and floats to a new spot… Obviously dead fish is dead fish and we firmly agree that one should not eat the dead fish… Except I like my fish dead generally, you see what eating wiggly live fishies did to Gollum girl? Dead is better, just cook it unless I’m at a sushi place. ALSO mentioning that you made your first million by age 25 is going to haunt you big time on season 31… Nobody likes to keep people around that don’t need the money.
And long story short, thrilled that Mike’s the big winner.
As I said a few weeks back, I take back what I said about CBS and the Survivor producers and Jeff Probst being idiots. They didn’t spoil anything, Mike freaking played an “immunity idol” against my, and countless other, votes. I’ve been blindsided and I liked it.
Loved your recap,
AS FAR AS THE AD POP UP ISSUE–
I find them annoying as well, takes forever to go from page to page, not to mention that the first one opens up a useless tab. Here’s a way to bypass all that (sorry Steve, I know you have to pay the bills, but if I had to continue to put up will ALL the ads, I was going to stop reading your great site.
The best browser is Chrome, and if you do use Chrome as I do (not sure about the other browsers) go to settings and click on extensions, then search for Ad Block Plus, APB, download it, and all the ads will stop popping up.
As a continuation to the Ad Block Plus:
As a warning-
If you ever click on a link to watch a video (as I did to watch Ponderosa on the Survivor website) you will need to watch any video in another browser, because this Ad Blocker also blocks the ads played before any video, therefore not being able to run the video.
Hello everyone! So glad to see all your comments. I’ll do what I can to address everything.
First off, I have nothing to do with the website and the advertising problems you’re experiencing. I’m terribly sorry it’s frustrating, as I’ve experienced a little of what you’re talking about. I use Chrome and do what wanker suggests. I have the Ad Blocker Plus extension and I still get some ads. Trust me, I’ve spoken to the webmaster, and all I can say is they’re working on it. I know there was some issues a week or two ago, so I don’t know if this is residual from that, but be assured they’re aware of the problem. Sorry…
mrsjax: That was primarily for you (since you were kind enough to write in!) but it’s also for anyone having problems. It’s truly frustration, and I’m so sorry you can’t enjoy the snark unfettered. 😉 And THANK YOU for enjoying the column. Be aware I make nothing writing the recaps, so I can understand the frustrations…
kinb! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jwlYo8EYTWI) Love your support. You’re my biggest fan and I always love reading your comments!
-I know I trashed Mike, but god he was so annoying earlier in the season. And that voice! If this wasn’t so abhorrent, I’m sure I would have liked him more. With the idiots around him, it gave him a sense of superiority, which wouldn’t have existed if he was around “normal” strong people. There’s a video on the CBS site. I think it’s in the Bonus Clips section, and it’s the Pre-Jury thoughts of various players. It’s very enlightening to see what some of them were thinking before they went to Tribal. The one that I was interested in seeing the most is Jenn’s. Check it out ( http://www.cbs.com/shows/survivor/video/Sj4muwpRietIVN5OUISxKcTMl9JMH3j5/survivor-the-jury-speaks-jenn/ ). What I found most interesting is when she says that Mike is incredibly juvenile for a man his age (remember, he’s 38, and she’s 22) so that must have been part of the reason he played the way he did. Hell, I can be immature — look at some of the things I write! — but I wonder if his past personal issues stunted his growth in certain ways.
-Carolyn, as I said, I don’t think she deserved anything (the win or Season 31). She hardly did anything this season, but was still considered one of the stronger players (how shitty does that make this season?).
-Yeah, there are a few players that I think will suffer in S31 simply because of their previous games. Abi is one, Kass is another, and for different reasons, Joe and Shirin. Joe, cause he’s a threat, and Shirin, cause she admitted to already having money. Dumb! However, she didn’t know about S31 when she said it, so gotta cut her slack there.
-Even though I didn’t think Woo should get on, I totally like his vibe. Like a surfer muscrat… I’m stoked Jeremy is there (another pre-game threat) and not happy about Keith for so many reasons (which I’ve documented often…)
-Dan is just a douche. Did you hear him say to someone (about Jeff), “He’s throwing me under the bus.”? Yeah, I don’t think we have to worry about seeing Dan any more (Thank God).
-Re: POS’s wife. As much as I think she was just acting “all ghetto and shit,” she was MIC’ed up and they had a camera already on her to cover her reaction. So, yeah, the show is also guilty of making that happen…
-You should go back and watch past seasons. If not for entertainment, then at least to have that back story on certain players.
-I like near a Cochran Ave. and I call it Cockring all the time. Was happy to finally sneak it in…
-And thanks for your compliment. I ain’t no Billy Shakespeare, but I’m glad I can put a smile on your face. XOXO
ann: Thank you so much! I totally agree with you on this season. It was kind of like the Merica tribe was just one big pre-merge dysfunctional tribe and now we’re about to start the real season. I HATE IT when strong players are voted out early and leave all the runts to fight for the nipples… Yes, let’s move on!
bonnie: Thanks for the concern over the finale. I was so distraught when it happened. It’s like, “There’s NOTHING I can do or say to get in?” And since it’s the Television industry, you know the people working for the company think they can treat you like shit, so they just say, “No, that’s it, you have to go.” It’s like how they treat extras in TV and movies…like cattle. Just shut up, do what you’re told, for God’s sake, don’t talk to anybody, and “here’s your $60 for working a 10 hour day.” It’s sad. I was so pissed that I wrote a complaint letter to the owner of the company and told him my situation, and he was kind enough to recognize my plight and offered me tickets to the Season 31 finale show! So, yeah, I’m over my depression and looking forward to December! Woo-Hoo!
-Yeah, as much as I teased Mike, he clearly deserved it.
-POS is such an appropriate nickname. He was just trying to make the show proud and do what they suggested, but I think it’s clear neither he nor Shirin were interested in resolving anything… I’d like to see what reception she gets if she talks shit about anyone on S31…
-Like I said, I’m good with Woo. He’ll be fun. Rather see fun than bitchy…
-Thanks, you too, hope I come back in the fall…
thatguy: Dude, it was one of the worsts day in my life that night. As I said above, it’s all resolved now, but man I was so broken up that night.
-As cool as it was about one of each collar being in the final, I could care less. I would have rather seen, Mike, Joe and Jenn than anyone else, but it all worked out. Just made for some shittier episodes in the back half…
-And yeah, the jury was SOOOOO disappointing. Like I said, they were definitely hitting the bottle before hand and chilled out on the harshness. I wanted an epic throw down, and we got lambs… Rodney was anti-Mike to the core, but it just shows you how loyal he is. To a fault… Tyler was like LJ, once he was out of the game, he checked out. Sierra was just like tap water. No substance. Jenn was awesome! I think she raised her hand at the reunion show just to see if anyone would ask her why. She’s a petulant one, that Jenn… Dan is POS2. And, as I said above, you’re right about Shirin. I bet she wishes she could take that back now…
-I still don’t like the fact CBS spoiled that they weren’t going home a couple weeks ago. I don’t even want be thinking about “who might be going home tonight?” I just wanna watch the damn show! They should have just left Mike and Carolyn off the list of contenders, since they already knew Mike had won. They should have just put Max, Joe, Shirin (and why not Jenn? she probably didn’t wanna do it) or Lindsey (but she has a kid) instead of creating all this drama.
wanker: Thank you. I use ABP all the time…
That’s it for this season, unless I see any more comments. Soon, I hope to post an update list of Rankings of Every Player that include players from this season. Something tells me Mike may actually rank pretty highly after only one season. Probably in the low 50’s. Impressive for only having played one season. I’ll try to post that list quickly (it’ll be on Twitter).
I appreciate all your love and support. Despite what you may think, this is still fun for me! I do so enjoy recapping for you, my only concern is the time I spend on it and what I’m missing out on. Sad to say, I’m missing out on some family stuff that’s beginning to weigh on my shoulders. I’ll try to reach a compromise over that. Maybe I should sell t-shirts…?
So, enjoy your summers. Spend more time with your families, and let’s all look forward to an amazing Season 31. I’ll be watching the winner revealed from the studio audience, unless it’s going to be in New York! Ouch…
Peace out, my lovelies…
Was having some problems with the ads also, kept getting a call an 800 number to solve computer issue pop-up that would freeze computer.
It was so long ago and so unremarkable that I forgot much of the final episode/reunion show.
It worked out for him but I think Mike still did some stupids moves at the end. Should have eliminated Mama C before Sierra, and WTF not eliminating Mama C but letting her into a fire fight with Rodney. Of course, as has been said a million times, the ineptitude of the fire challenge summed
up the season nicely.
What was the point of the reunion show? The players were not even introduced ( or perhaps my lack of interest had me miss that part)
Where was me SO horny!
Yes we all know Dan is a douche, but as another poster pointed out, Jeff’s trying to make Dan look bad was a bit over the top.How much time was wasted on that!
Not sure if the naming of the second chancers was done to boost ratings, or not, but why now have that as its own show? I have some large gaps in Survivor viewing, so perhaps some clips of the players chosen. I am not also a fan of drawing out the results. None of this one/two of these two/three/four will be advancing, just give the effing results.
Time for me to start viewing old seasons to get up to speed on the next season (and to cleanse my brain from this season)
Thanks Fish for the recaps and letting us vent.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Most shocking thing for me at the finale was the hypothetical vote. I had heard that Rodney was “well-liked,” and when Probst asked the jurors how they would have voted in a Mike-Rodney matchup, and Jenn (quite surprising after her speech at the final tribal council) and Hali (and POS, of course) would have voted for Rodney. Only Sierra (switching to Mike instead of Rodney would have given him the win (by a bare 5-3 margin).
The scary thing about all of that, is that if Rodney had made it to the final three INSTEAD of Mike, he very likely would have won the game (at a minimum, he would have those same three votes, and would just need to pick up one more for a tie – or two for an outright win).
If you ever get a chance, ask an insider what happens if there is a tie for the winner (at a minimum, do they each get a million, or do they split it?)?
Anything on S32 (sorry, just came across the Survivor section of the site very recently)? Given that it is already in the can (somewhat bizarrely filmed before S31), there is a lot of time for information to leak before it airs (those people will have to wait over a year to get paid – wow!).
susie! Thanks! (I think…) I can’t tell if you’re effing with me or truly felt my pain. My snark-meter is broken so I’m gonna go with sincerity… 😉
user: I know what you mean about the “hypothetical.” I wondered the same thing. I recall seeing a video where Jenn was saying that Rodney was playing a quietly strong game, so maybe that’s why she woulda switched, but that whole final tribal question seemed to indicate she was on board voting for Mike. That woman baffles me… I think she just does it to f**k with us.
-Scary to think that Rodney — that messed up, misogynistic, self-aggrandizing, challenge pariah — could have been the winner. Ouch.
-I also wondered about a tie. I’ll tweet Probst, but that guy doesn’t respond to my tweets. I’ll add the other contenders and see if anyone hits me back. Follow me (if you don’t already) to see if they reply..
-Season 32 cast is already being spoiled by Redmond on Twitter. He seems to be the only one spoiling the cast & locations and claims to not spoil show secrets. Follow him at your own discretion. I’ll deal with S31 for now and not care about S32 until I have to. One tiny spoiler I can reveal is that some dude who works with Cesternino on RHAP is on the cast, so it looks like the show is starting to reward the folks who are doing free publicity for them. Sad…
Peace out! Have a great summer!
Fish
“POS’s wife thinks this is an episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta and likes yelling at people from across the room.”
ROFL! Lord. Thank you for this comment. Just. Thank you.
smartgirl! I will endeavor to tickle your funny bone again, I hope… 😉
And in case you guys don’t follow me on Twitter (and why not?!) I posted the rankings for the Season 30 players. Check it out…
A reminder, I previously went back and watched every episode of Survivor and reviewed every challenge played, every idol found, every Tribal, every Exile Island, every Redemption Arena, every…everything. I’ve always claimed this is the most objective Ranking of every Survivor player, simply because it’s based on game achievements, statistics, and not on “favorites.”
So, without further ado, here are the results for Season 30 players (a total of 460 players have played so far):
Name: Rank: Points:
Mike Holloway 37 90
Carolyn Rivera 56 72
Will “POS” Simms II 100 56
Sierra Dawn Thomas 112 53
Dan Foley 128 51
Tyler Fredrickson 128 51
Rodney Lavoie Jr. 138 50
Joe Anglim 191 43
Shirin Oskooi 204 41
Jenn Brown 230 37
Hali Ford 262 31
Joaquin Souberbielle 277 28
Kelly Remington 277 28
Max Dawson 311 23
Lindsey Cascaddan 354 17
Nina Poersch 392 11
Vince Sly 406 9
So Kim 439 3
I think it’s important to mention that what Mike accomplished this season was turn in the SINGLE MOST DOMINANT PERFORMANCE in one season of Survivor. True, other players won 5 individual immunities, but they didn’t do as well in tribal reward/immunity challenges, they didn’t find idols, and they certainly weren’t named Sole Survivor. So for that, Mike, The Fish salutes you. Now, go enjoy some time off and we’ll see you back on Survivor: Legends, some day…
(However, I think it’s important to state that he was competing against one of the weakest final 9 groups ever. Don’t wanna take anything away from him, just giving a little perspective.)
Okay, folks, that’s it. You probably won’t hear from me until next season (unless you “do the Twitter.”) If possible, please follow me! @BF_TheFish
Have a wonderful summer and if we don’t reconnect some day, have a wonderful life…
Fish…out!