SURVIVOR: SECOND CHANCE – 9/23/15

So let’s just do a quick overview of the cast, and what I think of everyone’s chances. I know it’s impossible to predict who’s gonna win, so I’ll just go with trying to pick the Final 4. And yes, this doesn’t mean squat. But it’s my selfish way to have something to either brag about or totally sweep under the rug if I’m wrong…

Women
1. Kelly Wiglesworth – As much as we all wanna see her do well, I’m just wondering if she has the balls anymore to win the game. Just watching her videos and you can tell she doesn’t have the eye of the tiger anymore. I think the other players will keep her around for a while out of respect for her role in Survivor history, but that’s not enough to compete against her at Final Tribal. Prediction: Final 4

2. Kimmi – her mouth will probably get her into trouble (again) at some point, or her lack of athleticism will spell her doom. I think she thinks she’s a better player than she really is, but I see her as an also-ran. Prediction: No Jury

3. Peih-Gee – Jeff thinks she has no shot (I did see THAT video). And I would tend to agree. I don’t think she’ll be brought into any alliances in a power position, and that’s kinda what you need to win. Prediction: No Jury

4. Ciera – Somehow, she’ll spin her magic and get farther than I think she should. I know everyone’s anointed her the Second Coming of Something (her mom wasn’t THAT great at puzzles, btw…) but all she really did flip-flop and make bold moves. Not exactly a recipe for winning the game. Prediction: Jury

5. Abi-Maria – I hate her. She shouldn’t be here. There’s no way she can win. Why is she here? And god forbid if she’s the next in a long line of “players who get dragged to the end because they have no shot to win.” And in the process, get to cash a larger check and annoy me for 10 weeks too many. Prediction: Out 1st or 2nd (hopefully)

6. Kass – the other head-scratching addition to this season. Yes, I know “America loves a Villainess,” but once again, here’s another player that can never live down their previous gameplay and will be targeted for it. It’s like if you were given the choice who to have at your private dinner and you choose Gilbert Gottfried, because he gives the other 3 someone to hate. Rather than choose great players, America chose Gilbert Gottfried. F**k you, America. She’ll make it interesting for a few episodes, but again, no chance to win. Prediction: No Jury

7. Monica Padilla – Somehow, the show needs to keep her around for a while. I can’t tell you what her gameplay is, how she’ll be received by the others, or what she’s even capable of. But this season needs Monica to stick around for awhile. Call it…a personal favor to me. Prediction: Boner, uh, I mean, Jury…

8. Kelley Wentworth – Yes! My “bikini, no wienie” girl is finally going to get her moment to shine. Let’s put all that Blood vs. Water II bulls**t behind us, shall we? Not sure if she’ll find the magic to make it to Sole Survivor, but my spider sense is tingling that good things are in store for Kelley. I think that’s my spider sense that’s tingling… Prediction: Final 4

9. Shirin – Another one who Jeff thought had no shot. I tend to agree with that. Remembering how much drama she brought to her tribe, and yes, all these people she’s playing with SAW all that drama, so I think she’s SOL. She’ll get eaten up by stronger players and thrown overboard early. Prediction: No Jury

10. Tasha – Always a strong competitor who knows the importance of the social game. She’ll probably make her alliances early and stick to them, because she’s not exactly a Kass/Ciera kinda girl. I’ll stick with my homegirl and give her the Fish jinx. Prediction: Jury

Men
1. Jeff Varner – The only other video I saw showed Varner, and how well he connected with a few on his tribe. I think that’ll bode well for him, until he tries to play too hard and gets taken out via blindside. Prediction: Jury

2. Keith Nale – Should’ve had Shane here instead of him. I can’t believe America is that dumb. Can’t wait to see them vote in President Trump next year. Oh, you heard it here first; real players won’t respect Keith’s game (if you can call it that). Prediction: No Jury, and Trump will be impeached before his 4 years are up…

3. Vytas – Love his game, not sure why. Seems to play both sides of the coin (strategy/social) very well. Doesn’t have Aras to bring him down this time so let’s see if his Varner/Dietz/Kelley/Kelly alliance will keep him afloat. Honestly, I don’t think ANYTHING in the first few episodes should be game critical for Vytas, but let’s hope he doesn’t fall victim to any immediate blindsides. Prediction: Jury

4. Terry Dietz – With everything he’s dealing with right now at home (his son needs a heart transplant and it’s a rallying point amongst the Survivor family) it seems silly to discuss his odds of winning a “reality show” when his son’s health is the only reality that matters. I loved Terry before any of that, and I hope he finally gets the comeuppance he deserved 10 years ago in Panama. Prediction: Final 4 (or more)

5. Andrew Savage – another stud who deserved more his last time out. Hopefully he’ll find a groove (and alliance) to his liking and have the chips fall favorably. His age may be an advantage, actually, as the bigger targets may fall on the younger and more devious (Joe, Jeremy, Vytas, Spencer), so fingers crossed Andrew is able to make some waves. Prediction: Jury

6. Stephen Fishbach – Yin to Spencer’s Yang, these two will have to mind their P’s and Q’s to not go home early. Everyone knows what these two bring to the game, so it’ll be tough to fly under the radar. And it doesn’t help they’re starting out on separate tribes. Oh, was that a spoiler…? Prediction: Jury

7. Woo – I’ve said enough negative things about Woo in the past to fill a couple pages. Don’t wanna say any more. He shouldn’t even be here… He should have won BBB and not been eligible, but, he made the single biggest mistake in Survivor history. No thank you. And I think the other players are not ones to forget either. Win when you can, baby, that’s what you’re playing for… Prediction. No Jury

8. Jeremy Collins – Love this guy. I did see a video where he said he went in not being so fit so he wouldn’t come across as such a big threat. At least he’s thinking! Blood vs. Water was such a huge disappointment (for him and the whole season) so I hope he gets to PLAY, and goes deep. Prediction: Final 4

9. Spencer – Aside from Kelly and Joe, he was the other shoo-in for S31. Trouble is his gameplay is such a big part of who he is that it’ll be tough for him to win this thing. Truth be told, his first go-round provided so many fortunate twists, he really had no business going as far as he did, but that’s the game. I hate to say it, but he’ll probably go pretty quickly because of how big a threat he is. And maybe we can stop anointing him the “greatest player to never win.” Come on, it was one season… Prediction: No Jury

10. Joe – Everyone loves Joe. Let’s just admit it. Hell, I love Joe. The warm smile, the physique, his idol-making abilities, the man bun. We all love Joe. And, since everyone loves Joe, Joe can’t win. No one will take Joe to the end and that’s his downfall. Don’t think he’ll get voted out early, but that wouldn’t surprise me either. He was never a real leader on Collars, which is what’s needed to win. Look at 4 of the 5 past male winners: Mike, Tony, Tyson, and Rob, all had definite leadership roles in their tribes, and the 5th? John Cochran, who won simply because he was up against 2 of the worst finalist ever (Dawn and Sherri). So Joe needs to step up, be a leader, and put together one hell of an alliance, lest he’ll go home. Prediction: Jury

Whaddya think, folks? Agree or disagree? Please send me your thoughts. You know how much I love to hear from you. You’re the reason I’m doing this and it makes it so much more enjoyable when I get to interact with all of you. Emails, comments, tweets, favorites, I’m a fan of them all. Or give some criticism. Let’s go off on each other!

Okay, before we dig in, I have one more thing I’d like to mention. You may recall how last season ended. THE WORST NIGHT EVER! I got all gussied up and headed to the Finale to watch the Collar season wrap up and find out who was headed to Cambodia for S31. And as you may recall, I was monumentally heartbroken to find out there were no seats left. If you don’t recall this story, just go back and reread last season’s final column (and check out the Coach interview, while you’re at it!).

Well, I’m happy to announce (with fingers crossed behind my back) that after I complained about what happened to a certain employee of the show, I was promised to be given seats at THIS SEASON’S FINALE! Woo-hoo! Hopefully I haven’t jinxed myself, but at least my wife and I have something to look forward to come December…

And speaking of my dearly beloved, while she’s been a trooper for letting me explore my reality show whimsies with all of you – a sexy trooper, if I may say so, meow! – I have promised her to not spend as much time writing this season. That being said, I expect to write much shorter recaps this season, and not mention EVERY SINGLE STUPID ACTION by the castaways. I’ll simply try to be witty, cogent, and snarky. No more 10 page recaps! So let’s see how tonight’s 90 minute episode pans out (f**k…). It’s time to grab this coconut and crack it open. Season 31. Survivor…Second Chance. Don’t mind if I do…