“Toooniiiiiiight, I’m gonna have myself a real good time…
I feel aliiii-hiii-hiii-hiiive…
and the woooooooorld…turning inside out…yeah…
I’m floating around…in ecstasy…”
Okay, stop me now, because I am floating around in ecstasy over tonight’s season premiere of Survivor. I’m beginning to have fantasies of Freddie Mercury standing behind me trying to smash his crotch against my neck. And why am I having this fantasy, uh, I mean, nightmare? Well, it must be because we’re about to start another season of Survivor! And it’s not just ANOTHER season, from everything I’ve seen and heard so far, THIS is going to be the season to end all seasons! Who’s excited with me!?
Am who am I, you’re asking? It’s your old pal, Fish. Bryan Fischer ready and willing to sling a little snark for another season of Survivor. And all alliteration aside, if you haven’t been here before, let me give you a little taste of what you’re in for this season…
Snark, humor, booze jokes, boob jokes, gameplay, insight, Survivor history, jabs, esoterica, interviews, chastisement (is that even a word?), and most of all…
Bikinis, no wienies…
Yes, that will be the theme of this season, mark my words. At least it’ll be the theme of my season – okay, “our” season… 😉 – and it’s not just because Kelley Wentworth is on this time (we’ll get to HER later..). It’s just an ongoing theme running through my head lately. Not sure why…
However, before we go any further, gotta pay props to the man who makes it all possible. The man who’s been doing his thing in reality television for longer than anyone else. Redmond who? That guy’s an amateur. You want spoilers? You wanna know who’s gonna “win” The Bachelor – if that’s what you call “winning” – before the season even airs? Then you click on RealitySteve.com and have your mind blown. Suck it, Fleiss. Suck it, ABC. You’re getting played by Steve. And even though they pretend to be confounded by what Steve does, they know he’s effectively making their show more popular. Free publicity, baby. And it doesn’t cost them a dime…
That said, without Steve none of this would be possible for me, and I owe him a huge debt of gratitude for providing me this forum. Thank you, boss! Now, about my salary…
However, we’re not here to talk about that, we’re here for Survivor, and since I don’t spoil nothin’, read eagerly and without fear of having your night ruined. Let’s get right to it, shall we…?
First of all, I just wanna add that I haven’t been doing my due diligence and seeking out every single video and article posted about this season. I know the breakdowns of the tribe were released (thanks, RealityBlurred!) and while that may shed a tiny bit of light on how things’ll start, it really doesn’t mean much in the long run. Because no matter what, the tribe swap/shake-up will occur, and it’ll throw everything for a loop. So while I can theorize that Terry Dietz and Vytas will form a strong alliance and make it to the end because they met 10 years ago at the Survivor Finale when Aras won, that doesn’t mean the pieces will line up for them this season.
And while I could have spent the last few weeks scouring the internet for every juicy tidbit on S31 (or just watch every un-color corrected video Dalton Ross posted), I didn’t really need to dig as deep as I typically do. Here’s why…
We already know these people.
It’s one thing to drop a bunch of strangers on a beach and watch them make sense of who’s got a clue and who has their head up their butt. There’s always a few of each every season. But this season, we’re dealing with…All-Stars. Most of them, at least. We’re dealing with folks who know how to play the game (most of them, at least). Thank god for that. This is as close to what I’ve been praying for for years. A full stack of players who know how to play the game. I’m super stoked to be blogging about it, and I’m even more stoked to watch it unfold.
I don’t even wanna get into any theories of who I think is in the final yet. And no, I didn’t buy the conspiracy theory of some jerk who tweeted that Kelley wearing a “Finals” hat on Instagram means she was spoiling the season. I think CBS – and their attorneys – would have had a problem with that, and I’m sure Miss Wentworth is not able to pay the $5 million fine for spoiling the season. But, internet dorks will always have their crazy opinions, and like assholes, everyone’s got one.
Secondly, I really want to infuse a bit of culture this season, so I believe I’ll be drinking chardonnay instead of vodka while writing. I do hope to see a difference. Perhaps not on the page, but my prostate may thank me, come December…
Yaaa, I get to be your very first poster of the season! Back with my favorite Mr. Fish. As I said last season, you know I can’t quit you. Speaking of which, loved all the comments about Joe’s long erect pole. Nice one! (I actually don’t get all the heavy breathing about Joe, I don’t think he’s that hot, oh well) I am so excited about this season. You know my feelings were hurt that you were making fun of Keith. Fishy, you know I love all the weird losers. Are you still bitter about Mike winning last season. We had our first big fight about that. (sniff). But just to keep it spicy between us, here’s my take on the contestants. Wiggles worth, nothing actually wiggles on her face since she’s had waaaaay too much botox. Yuck. Still love Woo, mostly because my 10 year old son loves him. Jack also loves Jeremy. He always roots for the alpha male. We hate Abi, she has a mean piggy face. So far Kass doesn’t bug me. Spencer is already wound way too tight. Tasha is ok, a bit cocky I think this time. I have no clue who Kimmie or Monica are, I missed some seasons for a while. Pi Gi is just kinda blah, just like she was in China (Jack really wishes they’d late James the grave digger come back.) Ciara bugs me, just like when she played with her mom. I also never saw Fishbach’s season. Isn’t he a big time blogger? What’s his deal…. I think you hit the nail on the head about Kelly W. She’ll be kept around a while out of respect but she seems like all the botox fried her brain and she’s in a perm-a daze. I agree, totally dumb to get rid of Vytas though I was about to barf when he kept bending over and showing his backwards bulge. Even Jack yelled out “EWWWWW” Hopefully Shirin won’t get naked again. I still can’t quite put my finger on what type of rodent she looks like? Ok, enough for now. So glad you are back. You ROCK! (and are a much better blogger than Fish-bleck)
Apparently, you weren’t thinking of us when you made that promise to your dearly beloved; however, I did have a moment of silence for your lost seat last year added with a big dash of hope that all your seat dreams come true this year. You’re welcome.
I came to the site today with fingers crossed that you would be back to re-cap once again. YAY!!! Awesome. I need my weekly dose of snark and boob/junk jokes!
I was struck by how the years have taken their toll on some of the Old School players. Ah well…happens to all of us. Likely they will find this to be a great diet plan once again. (If they last that long)
Abi…ugh…can she be the one that gets eaten by a crocodile or something please? She is just the worst! Who voted for her? I call shennanigans…I think producers put her there to up the drama level.
Happy happy happy to see that you are back. Tell your wife we appreciate her sacrifice of your time…don’t skimp on the re-caps!
Hey Hey Hey, it’s Fat Albert! Actually, it’s Fat Survivor as I’m shocked at how how of shape these people are. And I don’t mean the guys. C’mon ladies, you know you could be voted on, at least TRY to hit the gym before you fly to Cambodia! Thank God we have Kelley and Monica to lust over, right?
Sorry, had to vent. Just sickened at how that aspect is not to my liking.
Welcome back, kids! I’m back (by the hair of my chinny chin chin) and I’m fired up this season. I was pumped writing the column the other night, however I do feel like I shortchanged you. As I mentioned, I need to keep the recaps shorter, and since it was the first episode, and 90 minutes long, I still wrote a lot, but I’m not happy with what I turned it. I’ll try harder next week!
Kinb! You know I could never leave you. You are my first, my last, my everything. Missed ya, momma! Not sure what to say about Joe without sounding gayer than I already have. Let’s just say I get why women like him. But only for a weekend and then they come back to reality. Good enough for Joe, I bet…
-I can’t understand why you like Keith. Do you like fishing, too? And pickup trucks? And your cousin? Shirley, I jest..
-I’m fine with Mike, now that the season’s over. As I mentioned, he produced one of the most dominant seasons EVER, but that’s kinda like saying he won gold at the Special Olympics (stop, I’m joking)…
-Yeah, ain’t nothing “wigling” there. I thought she was supposed to be all natural and yoga-y and shit…
-Boo, Woo. Yay, Jeremay, and Abi is one of those girls who looks cute when you’re drunk at the bar at closing time, and she’s acting all slutty, and you have no other options so you take “it” home, and when you wake up, you’re like, “Fuck, I’m Jewish, and I don’t even like pork…”
-Oddly, this group is super old. Spencer is the baby at 22. Maybe that’s why he seems kinda inferior…
-And is Tash not married? She wanted some Joe. Wonder what happened at Ponderosa…?
-You gotta watch all the seasons just to see where these folks came from. And Peih-Gee just strikes me as so boring. You can tell a lot of these players are not playing up a “character” like regular seasons. These folks are playing for themselves. Wonder how the rest of the season is gonna go and if the show will ever do it again…
-Fishbach. Another dweeb who’s attained cult status just because he was on the show. You gotta look like you belong, not just TALK like you belong.
-Vytas said in interviews that he wasn’t trying to be all gross, but that’s what happens when you run around in your underwear. I’m kinda like, “Why the fuck does everyone have to do that? Wear your damn shorts!” Gross.
-Shirin looks like a mongoose. She’s fuckin’ Rikki-Tikki-Tavi…! Can’t believe that didn’t occur to me Wednesday night…
-And thank you, Annie, for being my “biggest fan.” I look forward to your hospitality… 😉
Susie! Thanks for the mojo! I do hope it doesn’t fall through. Now, just gotta get cable so I can actually watch the shows live! I’ll do better next week, I promise!
Hathor!! I will do my best to bring the snark and boob/dick jokes. Those are still funny, no matter what the PMRC says. Seriously, it’s an easy “go-to” but I strangely find myself chuckling when I think of them. I hope I’m not offending anyone… Or if I am, GTFO, you don’t belong here, grandma!
-Totally agree with your Old School observation. Like I wrote earlier, it’s not pretty out there… Can’t wait to see what the “4 Week Survivor Diet” will do for some of them…
-Jeff promises the show didn’t place anyone, so we only have America to blame. Not sure who would vote her there, cause she’s a back-stabbing bitch (to women) and she resembles Porky Pig (to men). So WHO voted for her? Fess up, you monsters…
-Thank you for returning. I’ll try my best and hopefully this season takes off…before I take off. Gotta stick it out for one more season and then let’s see where this “career” leads me. Til then, it’s boob and dick jokes…
Loving all of you!
BF
Busy this week, so just got around to watching episode Most of my comments have already been mentioned, so I won’t repeat. But I can’t let this go. Please stop with the bra shots of very chunky women! Just like underwear shots of fat men should be banned, so should jello shaking boob shots.
The whole idol finding( I guess . clue finding this season) seems suspect). Just how big an area are the contestants confined to? Not complaining on who found the clue, but seemed way too easy. Looking forward to a new season.
Fish! Glad you’re back and giving us the perfect amount of snark. I look forward to each and every episode and your version of what REALLY happened!
Doc! Thanks to your comment, I went off a little in last night’s recap. I totally agree with you. I think it has a little to do with what we expect to see on the show, and far they’ve let themselves go. Can’t wait for the Survivor diet to kick in…
-I wonder too, about how difficult it is to find idols. Are they looking for 10 minutes, or 4 hours?
-And I hope you mean you’re looking forward to THIS season, right? You know things’ll improve…
jberry! My pleasure. I hope I can dish it the way you like it! 😉