“Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in…”
The fact I have to start tonight’s column with a quote like that is a bit troubling. Here’s why. After writing last week’s column, I was feeling a little conflicted about the direction of my columns lately. You’re all aware of the things that warranted my tone – POS, Dan’s stupidity, Mike’s voice – but it was more than just those things. Something else has been getting under my skin lately, and I think I finally figured it out.
Honestly, it’s been building for a few seasons now, I think it started in Brainiacs vs. Biceps vs. Boob Jobs when EVERY EPISODE seemed to present another frustrating turn of events (sound familiar, S30 viewers?), all of it culminating in the most ridiculous “Who to take to Final Tribal?” decision ever made on the show.
And then it continued the following season with Blood vs. Water 2 where the “players” seemed to employ a “backwards” strategy on how to play the game…
“Here, have some more rice, we have plenty…”
“No, that’s okay, Jeff, I don’t need a reward. Can I give it away?”
“I just can’t take it any more, Jeff. I’ve been separated from my Boo for 18 days!”
“Man, I don’t think I need to play my idol, I’m totally solid with all these people who think I’m a misogynistic homophobe racist…”
But then we reached Season 30. SEASON FRICKIN’ 30! When all our hopes and dreams of an All-Star season or better yet, a Survivor: Legends! season would assuage any fears we shared about the demise of our favorite show. We were even promised “the greatest cast ever” by the Devine Mr. Probst, and were introduced to these demigods.
And now look at what we got. A top 7 who doesn’t resemble a Survivor home stretch but more like an episode of The Little Rascals introduced to me by Tom Hatten.
But…I decided to put all that animosity aside and try to get back to loving my favorite show. Over the years, it was always there for me, so I decided I’m going to remain there for it. I’m sure many of you feel the same way. There must be thousands of us who can say, “I’ve watched every episode,” and feel that each and every season will offer another intense, unique, amusing, adventure for us to go on with these crazy castaways…
So this past week I took a breath, and decided I was going to ease up a bit on the Survivor bashing. “Maybe I’m being too critical?” I asked myself. “Maybe they’re not as bad as you think.” Or, “Maybe I was taking a hard stance against the show because I wanted to sell myself as an “edgy” writer…?”
Well, I’ll admit I was being pretty critical. And perhaps they’re not as bad as I thought. And while I’ll admit my recaps have been leaning more towards a political review of the “other” party’s National Convention, I won’t say that I was trying to be edgy. When I write these columns, I’m just telling you how I feel at that moment. And with as quick as I need to turn them around, believe me, I don’t have the time (or the motivation) to attempt to manufacture an “angle” by which to sell myself. Look, POS acted like a dick. Simple as that, right? I’m not going to sugarcoat it, or justify it, or try to determine if there was some rationale behind it. If there was, I’m sure he had plenty of confessionals in which he could have said he was playing it up a little. But there were none… Which basically means…he’s a dick. And I called a “spade a spade.” (not being racist, being honest.)
So can I tell you why I’m upset again?
Like I said, I was going to turn over a new leaf. Change my approach and forgive past discretions. And just when I think I can sit down and begin a recap of my all-time favorite show, I see something that just sets me off again. And I’m back to Square one, annoyed as all hell at Survivor because these freaking morons haven’t figured out social media enough to know how to avoid spoilers. I mean seriously…
Each week, when 5pm Wednesday rolls around, I say goodbye to Twitter for the night, not wanting to read any live tweets from our friends back east. They just want to do the same thing as us and comment on their favorite show. I get that. But what I don’t get is when I go to Facebook – relatively safe from the hazards of spoilers because – ahem, my friends are “too cool to watch Survivor” – what do I see? A posting from Survivor with Probst telling me something in a video. Now, I know they’re telling us about the “big reveal” tonight, and since the only lists I’ve seen are the ones from Redmond in which the players from S30 are simply black silhouettes. And since there are no warnings of “SPOILER ALERT” pasted above or below the video, I figure I’m safe to watch this video. Just like when they show us a tease of the following week, or a tease spot during the week that reveals something small to lure us in that week (like we
wouldn’t, duh)…
So in this Facebook video, Jeff tells me to go to the CBS page and vote for our favorite players. Now I thinking I’m going to see the former players and black silhouettes of the S30 players (unless they’ve already been voted off) because, I don’t know, THE EPISODE HASN’T AIRED ON THE WEST COAST YET! And what do I see? Friggin Carolyn and Mike are in the chart inviting me to vote for them… What a catastrophe…!
Jeff’s video was posted at 6pm Pacific Time which means 3/4s of the country got their asses spoiled! Are you friggin’ telling me the show couldn’t wait til midnight? Or tomorrow (Thursday) at 7am (because people in Hawaii watch Survivor too, right?) and just have a CBS web intern post the FINAL list so everything’s legit and WE DON’T HAVE TONIGHT’S EPISODE RUINED!
Ok, so I guess this means Mike and Carolyn are going home tonight – which is crazy since they both have idols! – which might then make this an even larger f**k up as more episodes will be ruined. So thanks Survivor! Thanks for blowing another “big” decision. Why don’t you guys just turn in your guns and badges and go find another line of work? Because there are some people here who still expect the same high quality reality competition show that we’ve grown accustomed to, and it’s your freaking job to handle that professionally! If you need some help, there are many of us out here who would be glad to offer our services as a test group, or for marketing purposes, or just a sounding board for and Potential Stupid Blunders by the show…
I’m mean…seriously.
(Thursday morning addition): I jus read the Dalton Ross interview with Jeff where he asks Jeff about the Mike/Carolyn reveal and Jeff gives us a bulls**t explanation. “Oh, maybe we’re pulling a fast one and one of them wins and them they’re ineligible for S31…” But seriously, do you think we’re that stupid? And even more importantly, ARE YOU THAT STUPID? Do you really think that including someone in a list of 32 potential players would include a person who will then become ineligible? Are you freaking kidding me!? Because if you guys did decide to do that, you are incredibly stupid.
And yes, I know it’s ALL MY FAULT for clicking on the link, but I also click on Challenge Preview video links, and I don’t see John Kirhoffer telling us…
“This week’s challenge hearkens back to one we did on Redemption Island. There’s an obstacle course, a rope wall, you throw a ball into a hoop, and then untie a bag with some keys to unlock your tribemates. It’s a great challenge, one in which you’ll see the Blue Collars blow the socks off the No Collars…”
It just doesn’t happen. Because it shouldn’t happen…
And there’s another tidbit I saw today. There was a tweet this morning from Redmond (Survivor spoiler guy) stating that Abi Maria’s “Vote for Me” video was already posted, well before everyone else’s. Is that fair? Not that I – or hopefully anyone – will vote for that bitch, but seriously, WHO IS DRIVING THIS BUS?! I hope to god – not the one Jeff prays to – that somebody lost their job(s) over this, because this seems so amateurish. And it shouldn’t happen at the network level. This is some cable television kind of screw up, and I’m shocked it went down like this.
Needless to say, I’m beginning tonight’s column with a bit of venom, so I’m going to hold off on anything else until the end of the column. Hopefully the news I have about Coach and Philip Sheppard will be presented when I’m a bit calmer. I think I owe you guys that… But, I may elect to skim over some sections tonight because I don’t think you need to read every single facet of a show you just saw last night. I’ll do my best to highlight the big moves, the ridiculous comments, the choice gameplay, and the mind-blowing stupidity. Here goes…
The recap reminds us:
-Rodney is working it, but without any reward
-Tyler and Carolyn know about Dan’s advantage
-Mike revealed Rodney’s deception, placing a target on his own back. However, his amazing Immunity run has kept him alive, long enough to pull the shenanigans to create the first cracks in the Top Six alliance…
Night 29 after Tribal and six solemn faces – and one elated one – return to camp and try to figure out what happened. Obviously, Dan wants to know who voted for him, and as some discuss, “I voted for her, and he voted for him,” tensions are building. POS doesn’t want to be revealed as one of the vote against Dan, so he implores his group, “Let’s not do this now.”
Feeling empowered, Super Dave reminds them,
“One of you is going home next time so you’d better start scrambling now…”
My wife and I were pretty pissed ourselves when we went to the second chance site to vote and saw Mike and Carolyn. Incredibly unimpressed.
To be brutally honest, unless one or both of them make it to the end, I don’t buy Probst’s “Well maybe there’s a Survivor twist and one of these two actually aren’t eligible, lololololol” If one of them does make it to the end and even wins, then I’ll also be the first to tip my hat to Survivor producers/CBS for pulling off a #BlindSide on the audience. Brutally honest, I’d actually find that to be terribly cool. “Hey guys! Mike placed 7th in the poll, but guess what, he played his hidden immunity idol worth a million dollars so all votes cast for Mike don’t count!” I’d appreciate that. That’d be cool. I don’t expect it to happen and for now truly think that CBS and the producers messed up.
Onto the show!
Firmly understand Tyler’s explanation about voting for Dan. He had to vote someone just in case Mike gave Shirin his idol. POS and his bs story though? I agree with you. It was two idiots (don’t ask me to pick the bigger idiot, I don’t know if I could) trying to explain why one of them had their hand on a knife in the other’s back.
Then you lost me. Red team has the intellectual advantage? Mike’s voice may be annoying, but he’s easily smarter than Dan. Sierra is easily smarter than Rod. Tyler vs Carolyn may be a tough call, but that’s it. Intellectual advantage… You’re just being silly now 😉
I can’t tell you how thrilled I was to see Rod not go on the challenge. Then the pleasure of seeing yet again how big of an idiot he is. “I spent mah birfday washing dishes and cussing and kicking stuff. #WorstBirfdayEVER #HateMommaC #WomenzSuck #NoWomanInFinal3WithMe #WAAAAAAAAH” Just to keep it close to home, I’m sure there are plenty of kids at that orphanage who wished their birthday included going to a beautiful, exotic setting, taking a potentially month and a half long vacation, playing a game for a shot at a million dollars, etc. etc. etc. Yes. Such an awful birthday Rodney… Idiot.
As for Dan’s advantage and it coming back to haunt people… That would imply that Dan’t smart to do so. Dan doesn’t realize he’s being played. Dan doesn’t realize he is on the lower end, if not the lowest end of the IQ range of the remaining Survivors. Dan’s advantage can be used by someone else who simply has to direct Dan and convince Dan that it would be a “big move”. You could convince Dan to blow his advantage or you could let Dan blow his advantage… OR, the smart thing to do is to use Dan’s advantage for yourself.
I wish I knew how long the tribal councils actually took. I know there’s a ton of footage we never see. I’m sure Jeff probably asks each person there one question. It’s in the editing later that they decide who’s Q&A are worth showing. POS is crap… He’s unfortunately going to the very end because there’s no way he wins. No way. He’s made no moves except for flipping to whatever group had the numbers, he’s an idiot, and he showed his true colors a while back with Shirin. Best to accept it now, of all the people left who you’d want to take with you to the finals… Will is an easy choice.
Enjoyed the recap. Would definitely be interested in hearing about who you’d vote for to have a second chance.
Dan is a strange guy. I actually though he was going to kiss Will during their pow-wow. His face kept, getting closer and closer to Will’s and their moobs were touching. It had me squirming with unease.
Not sure if I should post or not, since I think I will parrot what Fish has already posted.
Jeff, please shut-up! Stop trying to get people to give up their rewards. Stop trying to influence people at tribal, and that influence will spill over to the final vote.
Speaking of the reward challenge, I thought a few of the orphans looked to be about 30 years old. Why was everyone speaking to the kids in English? Were there translators nearby, or do the kids speak English? I was surprised by Mike’s soccer skills, not too bad.
Rodney, Rodney Rodney, who the F cares if it is your birthday? Does any male over 21 really care about birthdays? Yes maybe to guilt a GF/Wife into BD sex, but that is about it.
Plus, Rodney, if you were not such a F-ing idiot (forgetting bag of balls), you guys would have probably won the challenge.
Survivor spoiling Mike/Mama C.
1) Idiots
2) If faking us out, FU. I disagree with a previous comment that it would be a great blindside to viewers. Viewers should not be blind-sided. I really hate the deception given in previews. (e.g. Rodney’s wanting to leave the game, that was completely out of context as to what really went on)
Yes, let players blindside each other, but we should see what is going on. We should not be at the mercy of selective editing, that is a Bachelor staple.
I was so disappointed that Tyler got voted out – not surprised, but disappointed. Who’s even left to root for??? Mike made some dumb moves in the beginning but gosh, at least he wins challenges and seems to have a clue what’s going on! Not sure his chances are very good though, considering everyone’s gunning to get him out. Dan doesn’t have a clue, Rodney’s mouth and attitude will be his demise, Cierra is a floater, POS has no clue, and Carolyn, well, I just don’t care for her! I can’t wait for this season to just be over so we can all start looking forward to the next season!
Thanks for the recaps by the way. I thoroughly enjoy them and your perspective! 🙂
Darn, I bored myself to sleep last night and did not finish my comments. Let’s ignore just how crappy this season is and argue about this week’s strategy. Isn’t that what Survivor is about.
I say Mama C blew it in voting out Tyler. Too early to vote out your alliance of two. Eventually you need to get rid of Mike. You may need Tyler around to do that. I think she got a bit over confident with her two immunity wins. Should have gone for Dan or Rodney. Then gone after Mike and then Tyler.
Mike did everything correct.
Tyler needed to work it a bit more to drum up votes against Dan. His downfall was trusting Mama C.
The rest of the losers, I understand, you need to get rid of Tyler and Mike to have any chance (wow, that those two are the power players, shows how pathetic this season is)
Can we hope that a tropical storm wipes out the remaining players and the season gets cut short?
I know what you mean about the new strategy every season to take the weakest player to the end. But then, you have people like Woo who took a strong player to the end and where did that get him? I do agree though that its very tiresome to see the blobs going so far. As for the voting for the upcoming favorites season, I have a block of seasons I didn’t ever watch, from about Season 4-Season 18. So about 1/2 the people I had no clue who they were so I ended up voting for all the older people just to force Fishy to watch saggy boobs and gray chest hairs. My 10 year old son was thrilled to see Woo and Jason (I think that was his name), the firefighter from last season, again, I think? My 4 year old only wants Jon to come back. Some odd crush…Every fit guy with dark hair she says, Is that Jon? Oddly, her pick this season is Rodney. I still think Tyler is odd. Kind of reminds me of the “it rubs the lotion on its skin” guy from Silence of the Lambs? I wasn’t that sorry to see him go. Just to mess with all the viewers, I think it would be hysterical if Dan’s wife was some supermodel type. Oh, BTW, I’m watching the China Season on Amazon Prime right now. Any thoughts about that season w/out giving away the ending?
test comment
Test response to previously mentioned test comment.
Once again, folks, thank you for all your comments. It’s so much better when this is a give-and-take and not just me yelling at a wall… That said,
thatguy: the Mike/Carolyn thing still bugs me and when I saw Mike’s video for S31, you can tell he didn’t win S30. Carolyn’s is a little less obvious, but I don’t think she won S30 either. We’ll see. In the interview I did with Coach yesterday, I asked him about the Mike/Carolyn situation and even he agreed that the show screwed up. Check back on Thursday for his whole interview.
-I totally screwed up the colors on the reward challenge. I don’t know how I did that. Funny, because this is the first column (probably ever) that I didn’t have a drink. Maybe I need to have a stiff one (oh, behave!) to write right… But, yeah, there’s no way I’d call any team Dan and POS are on “intellectually superior,” unless they’re going against a baby, an empty bag of rice, and a grape…
-Rodney = so self-unaware it’s painful
-I can’t wait to see how Dan’s advantage will be used. We know Carolyn will be safe tomorrow (assuming she’s not an idiot) so I think that means either Sierra goes home, or every gangs up on Dan for having the advantage and vote his moobs out… I’m surprised no one ever talks about Rodney going home. Don’t they realize you don’t need SO MANY “non-winners” at the end?
-I asked Coach about how long do tribal councils last. Find out Thursday…
-Yes, unfortunately, I think it’s a foregone conclusion that POS will be at Final Tribal. I think the only saving grace about this is the crucifixion (appropriate?) he’ll get from the jury as well as the reception he’ll receive by the live studio audience at the Finale. Something tells me he’s not the kinda guy who’s used to being hated, so the boos and jeers the crowd gives him will affect him deeply. Watch that f**ker cry like a baby when he’s laughed off the stage. Plus, Probst promised to address it at the Finale, so it’ll be a hot topic, for sure…
susie: thanks for that imagery. I just thought of a script idea for a BBM interracial porn, “Dan and POS Hunt for Hidden Idols.”
doc: I think Jeff realized during the season this group was not the “best cast ever” and felt he needed to help “trim the fat,” as it were. Maybe that’s why he’s helping to target the runts?
-Re: Reward, the show probably just told the 3 winners to speak English, because “we won’t show any kids talking, anyways…”
-You got Rodney down pat. And yeah, it’s funny how he didn’t own that (forgetting the balls) at all.
-You’re right about selective editing. Perhaps this bunch didn’t offer a lot of “memorable moments” so the show had to manufacture a lot of drama (like The Bachelor). I don’t know what kind of turnover the editorial dept. has on Survivor, but it could be that the reality show behind-the-camera “community,” is very closed to newcomers, so people who worked on shows like The Bachelor, are now on Survivor. It’s just a theory, but in my own experience (having worked in Hollywood for 25 yrs) there were many times that I was completely overlooked for a position, because I didn’t have any reality show experience. And what’s funny is, when reality shows started 15 years ago, they were the bastard stepchildren of Hollywood. Nobody wanted to work on them unless you were desperate. Now, they’re so prevalent that you NEED to have reality show experience to be considered for other jobs. Stupid…
-(part 2) I’m super with you about voting out Tyler. She NEEDED him. She just lost his jury vote, as well as possibly guaranteeing her own trip to the jury. Dumb…
-I’m just frustrated that I have to pick between so many undeserving people. It’s like Marquesas and Vanuatu all over again…
bonnie: Thanks, chica! I’m glad you like them. I agree with all your comments. I seem to be in the minority about liking Sierra, and maybe it’s because she’s the only cute girl left, but I think she’ll surprise us the last 2 episodes. As I’ve said before, the jury has some relatively young, free spirited people, so they may not care about “who played the best game.” They may just vote for who isn’t a huge prick…
-And yeah, S31 could seriously be the best ever!
kinb: I think there’s a “pocket” where players need to stay in to make it to final tribal and win. Not too good, not too bad. And you definitely don’t want to take somebody “better” than you. That was Woo’s mistake. He can claim all he wants about sticking to his creed and facing off against “the best,” but then don’t give us this crap about wanting to win. Just say you knew Tony was going to win and you didn’t want to reward Kass. His video for S31 is trying to tell us that this time he’s playing to win, but I think he had his chance. You shouldn’t get to play twice if you don’t take it seriously the first time… Just like quitters.
-I’ve modded my DVR so it blurs out saggy boobs, so I’m not worried. Although, Kimmi from season 2, being an “old-timer” looks to be packing a lot upstairs, so I’ll be looking out for her in S31. Boobs don’t need to be fake for the Fish, they just need to be big.
-I know what you mean about Tyler. He reminds me of Bob Geldof’s character in Pink Floyd’s: The Wall after he shaved his eyebrows. Tyler definitely needs to keep those glasses on.
-Funny, any time I think who Dan’s wife should be, I just picture Laura Boneham, but heavier…
-I remember China pretty well. My thoughts were that religion became an issue on that season (a bit). It was a pretty memorable cast, too. I just looked and can see 11 who made a lasting impression on me. There are some big moves, odd twists, and a few things that’ll surprise you. It wasn’t the ending I expected, but that rarely happens. The pervert in me mostly remembers one particular challenge with Amanda, and praying that Ashley would get naked like her Playboy photos. Oh, and Jaime and Erik were so cute…
That’s it for this week! I look forward to all your comments and can’t wait to release this week’s column with Coach’s interview (maybe Skupin too!), plus my picks for S31 (with commentary), and, oh yeah, a recap!
Love you guys (and gals)!
Fish