As you can see, I’m pretty easy to please (I’ve gone on record about how much I hated the Final 3 on Caramoan) but even that season is better than the 3 players I give a crap about on “Collars.” And to make things worse, we were promised “the greatest cast ever assembled,” which is even more of a slap in the face to those who actually give a s**t about this show. I’ll paraphrase what I posted on Twitter a few days ago:
Viewers don’t watch Survivor to see fighting, rudeness, jerks, and people acting like no one is watching. Save that stuff for The Bachelor, Big Brother, and those other insipid reality shows. We watch because we want to see a competition, contested by players who do everything they can to win the big money…
Hell, do you think American Idol would be better if they suddenly went ghetto? Showing the contestants sabotaging each other’s tea? Turning on the a/c at night so the others’ throats get sore? Harry setting off fire alarms so the contestants lose sleep? Jen having trysts with certain male singers who give her “the goosies?” (Actually, that one probably happens…) No, I don’t think that would make it a better show (I swear, if American Idol suddenly starts doing these things, I’m coming after YOU, Per Blankens…!).
And yet, here we are with a bunch of in-bred, clueless, Neanderthals, who may or may not know how to even play this game. Seriously, if I was a former player I’d ask for an apology from Probst immediately about saying this is the “greatest cast.” And not before the finale when it’s already evident it was a bust (like last season).
That’s all I want to say about that. I’m tired of watching boobs (not the good kind) on the show, and pray someone wakes up and starts producing great “entertainment” again. As I’ve mentioned, I’ve been working in Hollywood for over 25 years, so it’s not like I’m talking out of my ass. Just get it together, guys…
Next on the agenda are the questions that Michael Skupin will be answering for us. Thank you for sending in your suggestions. I think we have a good batch for Mike and I’ll let you know when I’ll be posting them (hopefully next week). I know Mike’s a busy guy, so I’m sorry if you came here expecting to read them today. Tune in next week, I hope.
Speaking of hope, one of the questions submitted to Mike made me think of another possible future season of Survivor. I tweeted it to Probst yesterday (who never responds to my tweets!) in the hope of opening a dialogue with him. Here it is…
Forget all these Brains vs. Brawn vs. Beauty and Collars themes. What America needs to see are some fundamental differences between people and whether those differences will be exploited, are stereotypes, or will be faced and overcome.
As much flak as the show received for the Cook Islands season (remember White vs. Black vs. Latino vs. Asian?) it was a very intriguing season, and introduced us to more than 10 memorable “characters” to the Survivor annals (anyone remember Ozzy, Parvati, Penner or Candice?) and one of the most popular winners (Yul) the show has ever produced. And despite all the discussions that Cook Islands would be the “end of Survivor” for taking such a huge risk, it ended up being one of the more compelling seasons with thrown challenges, hook-ups, mutinies, and the first season with a final 3 at Tribal.
The point I’m trying to make is that every so often, shows need to push the envelope a bit, but remain consistent with the basic show it has always been. And while B/B/B and Collars may have aspired to push the envelope, the superficial designations they used to classify players never lived up to the hype the show intended.
What I’m suggesting pushes the envelope from Day 1 and will continue to push the envelope. It literally keeps its foot on the accelerator until Day 39 (one would hope!). Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you:
Survivor 33: Holy War
Christians vs. Jews vs. Catholics vs. Muslims
Yes, someone was already quick to point out that Catholics are, in fact, Christians, but I don’t profess to be a religious scholar (if need be, they could mix it up by including a Lutheran, Catholic, Presbyterian, Baptist and Methodist all on the Christian tribe and go with only 3 tribes). Since I’m not religious in the slightest, I could care less about how you break up that one tribe since I’m not interested in what others believe. And while no one’s showing up at my door with a contract to executive produce Season 33 (or co-produce? Hell, I’d even take associate producer…) I do think there’s something here.
Hell, invite some All-Stars to play, bring in some famous Jews (Sarah Silverman would be great and I hear Jon Stewart has some free time) and maybe Zayn from One Direction or one of the Afghanimals from The Amazing Race. I don’t know, I’m not here to solve the show’s problems, I just want to see some envelopes getting pushed, some boundaries being smashed, philosophies being debated, and fake boobs on the cute girls…!
Enough said, tonight’s episode awaits…
The recap reminds us:
-Rodney is sitting pretty in his BC alliance of 7, but also has a secret alliance of 4 (him, Will, Tyler and Carolyn).
-Joe is left with an alliance of 3, and will be targeted every time he’s vulnerable.
-Mike found the idol.
-Shirin and Dan will not be hooking up at Ponderosa…
Night 22, as the 10 players return after Tribal, an animal that looks like that chick in The Grudge is sneaking around camp. Who the f**k brought their drunk sloth to work tonight!? Mike instructs everyone to just “chill” after a hard Tribal, but Dan is more interested in re-stating his notion that “Flippers Never Win.” He even brings up Kass from Cagayan, but I think he’s forgetting that Kass was an enormous b***h, and that’s why she didn’t win, not because she flipped.
And since Dan also needs to make Shirin feel lower than his balls when he wears boxers he scolds her when she speaks up for herself. That’s always a good way to determine who’s wrong. If someone won’t even allow another person to have an opinion, they’re usually wrong because they don’t even want to consider the other side. Shirin knows that she’s on the wrong side of the numbers, so she’ll take Dan’s rebuke in stride, and hopefully there’ll be a chink in the BC armor that she can exploit later. At least she’s not giving up! (you hear that Jenn!)
So with the intent to “shake things up,” Shirin makes an announcement that she’s going to vote for Mike at the end if he’s there, no matter what. And when Dan adds that she’ll “definitely be on the jury,” you can tell he’s annoyed he’s lost her vote. (And why would he think he could still get her vote, the way he’s been treating her…)
With thunder and lightning portending an approaching storm, the quit in Jenn’s eyes is obvious. Shirin confesses she needs Jenn for selfish reasons, and she’ll do whatever she can to keep Droopy Drawers in the game. And that appears to be speaking with Mike and Sierra (who looks more like a consigliere to Mike by just standing there staring at Shirin) about hooking up with them at the next vote. Mike tells her she must prove her loyalty to him, and asks her to choose someone to be the next to go, and she immediately calls out Carolyn – who she’s never liked – and who’s seemingly tight with Rodney, Will and Tyler.
Mike thinks Shirin’s very astute, and realizes the Rodney “alliance within an alliance” has the upper hand, unless he takes in Shirin to even things up. She concedes that she’ll let the others dictate who goes home next, but after that, she’ll be tight with Mike’s alliance. And whether she’s steering the boat, or just a passenger, at least she’s “on the boat,” and sometimes that’s all you need. Shirin is smart enough to know she’s not going to control the game, but as a non-threat, she could very well go far. And that might need to be all you have to do to get to the finale…
And we’re heading for the reward challenge that was teased last week. If you remember, this is going to be a doozie as players have to swim, climb, slide, crawl, balance, and then get atop a platform where players will use a grappling hook to retrieve some rings in the water. I saw an additional preview video for this challenge today, and it’s going to be brutal…for the fat guys. And when Jeff asks everyone if they “want to know what they’re playing for,” of course we hear f**king Dan say louder than the others, “absolutely” like he’s telling Jeff something he didn’t know.
The reward? A trip to the Chocolate Factory, and I’m astonished they didn’t cut to a close-up of Will giving us his best, “Ahhh, yeah” face in slo-mo…
Now, I don’t wanna go off on a rant here, but if you’re dying of starvation (okay, “dying” may be a bit much, but you know what I mean) and you’re offered something to replenish your strength, are you really craving American made chocolate? I know they’ll take anything they can get, and I understand that simple reminders of home are appreciated, and I fully understand that Mars Incorporated is probably a big sponsor of tonight’s episode because all 4 of those candies are manufactured by Mars. But couldn’t they throw in some of the food products made by Mars? Lemme check their website… Yeah, there seems to be a bunch of food products here. But, um, er, yeah, who’s heard of Ebly? Or Seeds of Change? Kan Tong? JFC, do they make any American food!? Oh yeah, here we go…Uncle Ben’s Rice!
Nooooooooooooo! What does it take for a brother to get a steak, some beans, and some mother-effing corn on the cob? Hell, if you want, Jeff, throw in some of them Altoids, because they’re made by Mars, and you know everyone’s breath is getting pretty stanky…
Or better yet, if you’re going to reward them with chocolate, give them some good European chocolate, not that American crap. Something like Lindt, or Cadbury, or Amedei. Or any of those German chocolates my mom used to buy: like Milka, or if you’re feeling particularly daring, try Super Dickmann, you won’t be disappointed… (And off topic, where can I buy a shirt with that company name…?)
So back to the show, and it’s almost too obvious how disappointed the players are they’ll need to visit the dentist at Ponderosa. But, they’re all troopers, they’ll go for it, and Jeff then whets their appetites by giving everyone one M&M to enjoy. JFC, Jeff, don’t Bogart all the candy, bro. Is that a bag of green M&Ms in your pocket, or are you just glad to be here…? And this is where we get our token “black man saying something amusing about chocolate” from Will, and even more unappealing is how Dan sucks his M&M into his mouth like a vacuum. JFC, Dan, can you do anything normal!? Once again, just struggling way too hard for attention…
A schoolyard pick to choose teams, and it’s going to be:
Blue Team
Mike
Tyler
Dan
Sierra
Shirin
Red Team
Joe
Rodney
Will
Jenn
Carolyn
Ok, pretty evenly matched. I like that. Let’s see how these sausages work their way through this meat grinder (and btw, Jenn still has her “cooter stain,” which, by the way, is the name of the band I was in back in high school…). The challenge gets underway…
-Mike finishes slightly ahead of Rodney…
-Dan and Will provide comic relief for the whole episode. Dan holds onto the lead
-Tyler and Carolyn both struggle on the balance beam but Tyler opens up a bigger lead
-Shirin starts first but Jenn (a lifeguard, you recall) destroys her, especially when Shirin fails to manage the balance beam (much to her team’s displeasure)
-Joe speeds through the course and Red can start throwing the grappling hook.
Having caught up to Red, the Blue team is now neck and neck with them. A variety of people are tossing for both sides, but in the end, Mike seems to have the most success and brings the victory home for Blue. That’s all Dan and Shirin need…more chocolate.
But before they head off, Jeff asks the Red team how it feels to lose, and Jenn offers up a lame excuse about “if you haven’t done this, you wouldn’t know” but it sounds more like someone who’s giving up on the game. Joe obviously doesn’t agree and says “this is what they signed up for.” Jenn doesn’t look happy with Joe’s observation (rumors are they’re dating now, btw…) and they head back to camp disheartened and discouraged. And not to pick on Jenn, but even after this brutal challenge and all that swimming, she still has that stain in her bikini…!
Great recap. I am going to pile on the chocolate reward, What a terrible prize. Granted, as one commenter pointed out before, no one is losing weight so perhaps there is food being given that is not shown, but chocolate? yes maybe as a desert, but not as the only reward. How much money did the players get for toasting Snickers bars?
Biggest question I had about the challenge. When the heck did Will learn to swim? I thought water was his (well he claimed black people’s) kryptonite.
I have complained about this in the past, but if a school yard pick, let’s see the picks.There could have been time cut from the immunity challenge footage to show the vote. Watching people stand on their toes, did not require the amount of TV time wasted on that.
I forgot that Jow was
Whoops hit wrong key!
I forgot that Joe was a jewelry designer, I was yelling producer set-up. But I am still confused on why Mike/Dan wanted to follow Joe. Mike has the idol! Seemed like producer BS to me, I am just getting too jaded!
How did the eating of the chicken not spark controversy?
I come back and see that half our protein is gone after OD’ing on sugar, I might raise a ruckas.
I am not happy that Joe/Jenn/Yahoo girl did not try switch a couple votes.Heck only one vote was needed, since they figured a split vote was happening.
Ok Bryan, I’m disappointed in you this week. 🙂 Here’s my thing. I don’t get why you are so down on Mike and Dan. Let me explain. Yes, Dan is really gross. Yes, Dan is obnoxious and annoying and his face is very much like a rodent. But I like the way the show has a MIX of people. That’s the trouble with Big Brother the past few years. I’m a big fan of the show and on all the blogs, everyone complains about how the show is now all 20 somethings who look perfect. The beauty of these shows is that they aren’t all pretty, or nice, or easy to be around. I love it. And don’t get me wrong, I liked Joe-aka Malcom squared or “Ozzy 3.0.” But I don’t want to watch 20 Joes play. As for Mike, he’s a bit odd but so far, he’s not playing a bad game. At least he’s doing something. He’s a lot more interesting to watch than Tyler, who seems to be a cool guy but about as interesting as watching paint dry. Anyway, I think the thing that made all these shows great to begin with was how they were a slice of society. They don’t all have to look great in a swim suit. Get a Maxim if you want that. Ok, I’m done. A few final observations. I don’t see the cootie stain on Jenn but she truly looked preggo in a few of those shots. Will on the slide reminded me of a seal or walrus sliding down a glacier. I thought Joe’s fake idol was a really smart idea and I’m actually surprised that Mike even doubted if it was authentic. It looked really good to me. I wish they’d bring back the eating gross stuff challenges. I am still hoping….
Doc! Thank you. Love your support. I can’t believe they did a whole reward being chocolate too. Sounds like someone’s bad marketing idea that no one thought through. I mean, they couldn’t throw in some local roast chicken and fruit to nourish the players? I bet there was some other food there, but the “deal” was to sell it as chocolate only. I think I’ll ask one of them that question and see what they say. I wonder if they’ll even answer honestly…? I think Will could always swim fine, in a straight line, but when he had to tread water to maneuver that buoy around (week’s ago) that’s where he struggled. I think the schoolyard pick is just a time consuming scene that’s probably one of the first cuts made when trying to “get to time.” Don’t know if you know this (and apologies if you do) but it’s probably a scene that was edited, and then when they found the editor’s cut was a few minutes longer than it needs to be, so the pick is one of the first scenes to go. It doesn’t really move the episode along, unless something incredibly dramatic or important happened during the pick. I get you, though… I’m not “100%” but I think Mike wanted to follow Joe just to cover the fact he already had the idol. That sounds right, no? Yeah, I wondered about “chicken-gate” while watching. Maybe it’s another indication that the winning 5 actually ate on their reward. Maybe the producers said, “the winning team is going to eat a feast besides chocolate, so you guys should probably eat a chicken.” I just tweeted Sierra and Tyler, let’s see if they answer… And I wonder if they had some conversation about switching votes but no one was interested. Again, maybe there was some of that but we just didn’t see it. Keep writing in, Doc!
Kinb, My dear, I understand your feelings (I’m being Dan now) but I think you need to apologize to me… See, that’s why I hate Dan, because he’s always trying to fix things that aren’t broken. Here’s my thing about Mike and Dan. Mike is playing a pretty good game, hands down the best game of anyone, in fact. He may even win it all. But his stupid behavior, his stupid choices, his dumb tattoo, and most of all, his stupid voice makes me not like him. Didn’t someone hear him speak during casting and say, “This dude’s voice is annoying, find somebody else.” Because that’s the television producing I know. Find people that look and sound the part and America will get behind them. And yes, I’ve said I’d like to see a season of beautiful super heroes, but don’t mean that literally. Frickin’ LJ was a horse trainer, but at least he was a strong guy who had a brain. Guys like him are a “slice of society,” but I don’t like bringing guys like Dan aboard. Just one of those guys who seems to be totally unaware of how he comes across. And at his age? Puh-lease… And some quick replies:
-One of the reasons Jenn is considered so hot is simply because she seems so “down to earth.” Cooter stain, droopy drawers, pot belly, manic-y, and so on. She’s like an “approachable” cutie. Will = side show at Sea World. I’m surprised Joe handed over the idol at the start of tribal. I thought he’d bluff a little better than that. And I’d be fine without the eating challenges. Those were always Fear Factor things that I believe Survivor “borrowed” from them. I think that’s the one thing I could never do. Just wouldn’t want to even try to eat balut or any of that other shit… I don’t care to eat gross things. Hang in there, Kate, I’m sure the last few episodes will be better than the first 9. Have a great weekend! BF
Loved Joe. LOVED LOVED LOVED LOVED LOVED him. (That wasn’t weird at all, huh?)
Ok Fishy, I’m going to say all of this with love but the lawyer in my former life is trying to come out. Yes, Mike has an annoying voice and maybe he has a stupid tattoo. Didn’t Morgan have an annoying voice, yet you liked her? Oh yeah, you never were able to actually listen when she was talking…Ok Dan is stupid, yes I concur. But Kass was smart but really annoying, and that was not any better. Plus she wore Tee Vas and I hate those shoes. My husband wore them on our first date and all I can say is, he’s lucky I had a lot to drink! Example #3, Tony, lots of stupid tattoos, but not annoying. In other words, you just hate Dan. I actually hate Dan too, I just love it when there is a mix of people, fat-thin, pretty-ugly, Dan-Morgan. Your honor, the defense rests. Seriously though, I think you and I have totally different survivor styles. As for the eating challenges, I will not hold a grudge at your RUDE Fear Factor insult. If I remember correctly, aren’t eating challenges old school survivor, in other words, the true essence of the show? Wouldn’t you rather watch Shirin eat a real bug than a snickers that looks like a piece of poop anyway? You hurt me so Fishy, yet “I can’t quit you!” 🙂
Ginger, I think I got a little “Joemance” meeself! 😉
Kinb! Let’s set the record straight… I have NO IDEA what Morgan’s voice sounds like! I couldn’t tell you about her gameplay, the votes she cast, who she was aligned with, or if she did anything compelling. She had those boobs and that’s all that mattered… ;-P
Dan vs Kass: I could listen to Kass, and see why she was doing what she was doing, but it didn’t annoy me. She just followed the wrong path, and as an attorney, never wanted to admit that it wasn’t a good play. As I said 2 seasons ago, she may have just been playing for 2nd place money and wanted to be dragged along by anyone…
Ok, I concur with you, Tevas are the Devil’s flip-flops and no one should wear them except Charon…or your husband. Thankfully for him, booze is legal.
At least Tony was entertaining. He knew he was acting crazy and just went with it. I’m surprised no one ever booted him out the way he was conniving. That, to me, is the first one you take out, because they’re always “working it.”
The eating challenges were never my style. I know they were there since ep. 2 of Borneo, but that’s the one thing I never liked. I think Fear Factor embraced it a bit more (FF aired 1 year after Borneo, btw) but that’s the one thing I hated about that show too. And no, I wouldn’t want to watch Shirin eat a bug. Ever. However, I’d watch Morgan eat anything…
I can’t quit you either, darlin’. Besides, this tent is oh so cozy…
Ok, getting ready to write tonight’s recap. Tune in tomorrow!
And yes, I just hate Dan…