SURVIVOR: WC vs BC vs NC – 3/18/15

When the NC tribe returns to camp, their chicken coop is already there to greet them. Immediately, Joe and Hali decide they should kill one of the hens since it’s Will’s 42nd birthday. He’s emotional about being away from his family for the first time ever, but there’s nothing to lift the spirits of a black man more than a plate of fried chicken (per Will, not me!). Will is suddenly celebratory, which is the polar opposite of Jenn, who doesn’t eat meat, and thinks killing a hen is unnecessary. While Joe and Hali handle the dirty work of chopping off the chicken’s head and stripping it, Jenn wanders off, not wanting to be part of this barbaric cruelty.

But if she’s not going to join her tribe in eating Will’s birthday meal, at least she’ll try to look for the hidden immunity idol (which she doesn’t have a clue to, BTW…). But, as a student of the game, Jenn knows the “type” of tree an idol would be hidden in, IF it was hidden in a tree. And lo and behold, Jenn’s a Superfan because she identifies what would be a perfect tree for an idol and miraculously finds it. Heck, Russell Hantz ain’t got nothing on you, girlfriend…

Speaking of girlfriend, we head over to the Blue Collar tribe and everyone’s hearing about the 6 stitches that Kelly received. Mike is particularly impressed with how tough a chick Kelly is, and envisions “going deep” on/with her. Something about hearing his voice talk dirty to a woman is grossing me out right now, and I just puked a little in my mouth. It’s kinda like imagining what Super Dave Osborne would sound like if he did porn, and I’m just not into stuntman BDSM porn.

And once again, drama is unfolding at the BC tribe. It’s like someone waved a Big Brother stick over this bunch and told them to fight all the time. This time, it’s Boston Rod (natch) and Lindsey who are discussing the standards that men and women should hold themselves up to. Rodney is taking the perspective that women need to act better than men, and Lindsey is claiming that’s bulls**t and everything should be equal. And once again, Rodney’s mom (that whore!) is brought into the discussion because Lindsey can’t understand what kind of woman would raise a son to think like that.

Right about now, I really hope we get a “family visit” episode and Rodney’s mom comes sashaying out from behind a palm tree dressed like a Combat Zone prostitute… That would be awesome television. Let’s see how far he gets. So, once again, Rodney is finding himself at odds with someone on his tribe, and he knows he’s too much of a hothead to stay in the game if this continues. He resolves to cool his jets, and stay in the game a while longer.

Over to the dysfunctional White Collars and Shirin is letting us know how happy she is they didn’t win the challenge because she knows the guys on her tribe would not know how to slaughter a chicken. She tells her tribe she watched a YouTube video and then killed a bunny to initiate herself into the sadistic cult of “Killing a Bunny Before You Go On a Reality Show That May Not Require You to Kill an Animal,” but Shirin is dedicated to experiencing EVERYTHING Survivor has to offer, she even watched Fatal Attraction a dozen times before arriving in Nicaragua.

And Shirin’s crazy ways are beginning to draw the attention of others, mostly Joaquin, who freely admits he thinks she’s a nutbag. And while she heads off to do something by the water’s edge, the guys and Carolyn begin discussing their strategy for the next challenge. To me, it almost sounds like they’re planning on throwing the challenge so they could vote out Shirin, but no one wants to admit that out loud, and when Carolyn presses them for how that makes sense, they give her a bulls**t explanation that they don’t want Shirin to feel “left out” if she sits out another challenge.

Carolyn is actually gunning more for Max, who she thinks is the “cult leader” in this tribe and Shirin is drinking his Kool-Aid. She wants to cut off the head of his snake (pun intended) and who cares if that weakens their tribe. Carolyn obviously doesn’t care about winning…

Our first Immunity Challenge is next and it looks really cool. There’s a standard “the tribe is tethered to a rope and has to run through an obstacle course” part, but then they added an interesting “maneuver a ball up a wall that has holes in it while standing on a wooden beam” part. Very cool indeed. How often do we see a totally unique challenge on Survivor? Nice job, Kirhoffer! With the tribes having different numbers, Dan and Lindsey sit out for BC, Shirin sits out for WC (there goes that dumb theory).

The challenge begins and the only performances worth commenting on are Will and Boston Rod. As in, these guys suck at this challenge. Rodney actually needs help from his tribe 90 feet away than simply looking down at the rope and figuring out how to do it. Yikes. Yes, Jeff, once again, this is the greatest cast ever assembled…!

Still, with the lead the Blue Collars built, they’re able to get through the rope course first and move on to collect their balls. With Mike starting on the “ball/rope” thing first, he quickly proves he’s not the brains in this tribe. Meanwhile, No Collar has arrived 2nd at the ball/rope part, White Collar brings up the rear. With Mike struggling to figure out any kind of technique, Joaquin coolly maneuvers his ball into the slot, allowing the next person (Carolyn) to take her turn. At the other boards, Joe has succeeding in getting his ball home, and Mike finally gets his in too.

With each tribe achieving relative success, we’re tied 2-2-2 at one point with White Collar holding a slight edge. But that advantage is gone as Tyler drops his ball through a hole and asks Max to take his place. In the meantime, Hali is working the last ball for NC and Kelly is making progress for BC. Hali, proving she really isn’t a NC dingbat, slides her ball into place and NC wins immunity! These kids are on a roll!

And with Kelly getting her ball all the way to the top of the board, it looks like BC is going to take 2nd place, but at the last moment, she steps off the beam and has to start over. Without even discussing it, Rodney jumps in shoves Kelly out of the way, which may not be the best way to handle this Mr. Macho (I embellished a little). During this drama, Max is attempting the same maneuver Mike tried, which is to pull both handles simultaneously, hoping the ball magically jumps into the slot. Pretty dumb, I think. With educators like this, I now know why education in America has fallen below countries like Israel and Estonia… However, while Rodney takes his sweet time trying to “get his balls in the hole” Max gets a “C” on this exam and brings it home for WC. Blue Collar is finally going to Tribal.

And while the camera pans to Dan, Lindsey and Rodney during JP’s announcement that “someone is going home” the confessional by Sierra is even more telling. She says that Rodney was such a dumbass in this challenge and combined with his stellar attitude at camp, he’s the first one to go home. She even says her horses are smarter than him. Ouch. How’s that Survivor Reunion show gonna go, kids…?

But since she’s talking about it, this probably means that Rodney is NOT going home, and I’m wondering if my pre-season prediction of Dan (and his lost marblebag) is gonna be gone first.

Or is it Mike and all his “send me home first” speeches…
Or is it Lindsey and all her bickering…
Or is it Kelly and her injury…
Oh what a tangled web you weave, JP…

When they return to camp, damage control begins as the Positive Reinforcement Committee holds its first meeting. Everyone’s is so congratulatory and appreciative of the people in this tribe, you just wanna tell everyone to STFU and get to the business of backstabbing each other. Mike, doing his best Patrick from Spongebob impersonation, informs us he’s happy to go to Tribal, because it’ll reveal where all the true alliances are. Which may sound all well and good, but the best strategy in Survivor is to win challenges and avoid Tribal, but that’s just me…

As Lindsey and Dan are off to collect water, they get right down to it and Dan asks if he’s going home first. She tells him her plan is to vote out Rodney first because of his crimes against humanity. Dan, realizing this may open a door for himself, gives us his best “listen like a man or listen like a girl” theory (kinda puerile, if you ask me) and nods amenably to Lindsey. He throws us a wink and utters what should be the title of this episode…

“I am so much smarter than I look.”