Here we are again, with another episode of, Survivor: Season 30, heretofore known as, Survivor: Pulling Our Chains. Because really, are any of you looking at this cast as being “the most impressive one ever assembled,” as we were promised? Hell, no! I’m starting to feel like Jeff doesn’t have our best interests in mind and he only wants to lure us in just to increase those advertising dollars… He wouldn’t do that, would he…?
However, I get it. No, really. I do. You gotta be a good showman. Well then can you show up once in a while in the episodes?! Not just at one challenge and then Tribal. We need to get our Probst Groove on a little bit more than that. Okay? Thank you…
Backtracking a bit, I want to apologize for the tardiness of last week’s column. Yes, I know you think it had something to do with my birthday, and being hung over, or waking up in a Tijuana jail, or getting a quickie marriage in Vegas… But the truth is much simpler. Sometimes the web is a filthy whore, and sometimes she just doesn’t cooperate. You paid for a bj, and she’s only gonna give you a handy… Not that I want to take this column down a seedy back alley, but the subject of whore’s came up tonight, so I thought I’d work it in. And it’s always a pleasant subject to work into one’s literature…
So with last week’s debacle still ringing in my ears, we’re going to post the list once again this week, just in case you’re interested in finding out who the best Survivor players of all time REALLY are. Skip to the last page of the column, or better yet, just read the whole damn column and get there naturally!
Thank you…
Not much else to mention about the previous week. I’ve finally caught up on all my shows (my “stories” as I like to call them…) but since Gotham was a rerun this week, my newest crush went unfulfilled. But here’s a review of my other passions:
-the Olympians are my faves on TAR (because they’re not stupid and there’s no ridiculous dating drama. Seriously, THAT’s what you base the show on…?)
-I don’t trust Alexandria for spit… And whoa, Carol, take a chill pill.
-and I wanna shoot anyone who voted for Daniel to stay in the top 12 on AI (I cheated and scanned through AI while writing this recap).
But enough about those shows, let’s get to the only show that really matters…
Jeff’s recap reminds us that…
-Carolyn found the White Collar hidden immunity idol (I guess that means she’s playing it tonight…?)
-Her tribe likes to show off their “ASSets”
-Mike and his stupid cartoon voice think the Blue Collar tribe is lazy
-If this show was called, “No Collar Circus,” Will would be the guy shoveling poop
-But he may be playing his cards a little better than everyone thinks
-Nina is f**ked…
Perhaps I am Survivored out, but I am bored so far with this season. Too much drama that is pointless.
I hate that Jeff takes control of Tribal (been happening for a long time), but he even mentioned some after tribal drama.
I have no idea what the fat guy’s, your mom is a whore comment was about, why even show that, except for some fake drama.
I enjoyed watching google girl watching monkey love and then describing it, what the heck else is going on? OK every one is smelly and such, but guys google girl is horny, why is no one trying to hit that?
Did Jenn gain weight? With the nice boobs it looks like she has a bit of a stomach, I did not notice that week one.
Seems like a weak season, hopefully just a slow start.
Hey Mr. Fish, big kiss! Best recap yet. Love the Fast Times at Ridgemont High reference about the cool buds and tasty waves. “Mr. Spikoli, did you order this pizza?!” But I digress…. Yeah, Shirin is just gross. I’m sure Yahoo is so proud. Don’t see CEO in her future. And does she just have really bad acne or did bugs bite all over her face. EWW, maybe the naked hooch was to distract us from her face? I had to fast forward over the whole monkey part because I was not wanting to have THAT conversation with my kids. My son was so mad bc he loves the Howler Monkeys. He yelled, “why are you fast forwarding?” I said bc I thought Shirin was boring…..Yes, I totally agreed with you about Carolyn. Kinda dumb to not play along looking for the idol as you lay on the twigs with a shit eating grin on your face. The beard guy totally grosses me out, I hate the name Max, I hate facial hair and he just seems so smug. Yuck! Next the blue collars. The your mom’s a whore thing was just so, well, blue collar! I hate to tell Rodney but all that is, is a grown up version of your momma’s so fat, which my 4th grade son and all of his sons love to do. And no, this momma is not fat. I think its funny. So stupid. Every time that fat guy comes on my son yells out EWWWWWW. Something about long, wet chest and belly hair is really gross. I hope that doesn’t fall in anyone’s rice.
Oh yeah, you asked me last week why if I’d been Will I would have voted out Jenn and not Vince. Yes, Vince was creepy, point taken. But he was strong and looks fast. If I was Will, I’d be thinking…Vote Jenn out, then I’m still strong with Nina and Vince (who both don’t like Jenn), Joe loses his biggest fan, Haley loses her BFF and we don’t lose a strong man. Plus, Haley hates Nina and vice versa so you keep that alive which takes the attention off Will, who is one cheeseburger away from angioplasty anyway.
I agree with “the doctor” above, I noticed the same thing about Jenn. Perhaps the only person in history to look fatter after a few episodes of survivor.
The state trooper has sure stayed quiet, I’m giving her my early vote for winner!
Holy smokes, you’re both onto some things. My thoughts…
[doc] I agree on the drama. It just seems so unnecessary. I know reality tv is based on conflict, but it seems that’s all there is so far. Aside from the surfing bit, everything else is just people bitching about each other.
-I agree with you about Jeff’s involvement at Tribals. He used to let things unfold, but now he seems to be steering the tribals down a path. Kinda not the point of the show, right?
-And yeah, the whole “whore” thing was so out of left field. Just kinda seems like a producer said, “Call Rodney’s mom a whore and Rodney you flip out.” But based on what Coach told me last season, the producers only “observe.”
-And I don’t think anyone wants to nail Shirin. Tyler’s married, Joaquin Dead wants slutty hot girls, and Max seems to be in shape enough to bang girls who are in shape. Have you seen her hips?
-And finally, yeah, I agree with both you and kinb, Jenn seems to be sporting a bit of a tummy this week. She’s already kinda “hippy” so maybe she’s retaining water this week…?
-I just hope things pick up. I read a spoiler that we have to wait til season 32 for returning players, so I’m loathing another season of newbies. They just don’t bring enough to the table.
[kinb] Loving you! :-* I think that’s the one thing that scares me most about being on Survivor. The constant existing in hot humid weather with bugs feasting on you. I’ve seen so many horror stories of contestants getting destroyed by mosquitoes, bugs, and other varmints, with leaves their skin looking fugly. Can’t a season be sponsored by Off! so the players can stay a little protected? I know they want maintain a true survival aspect to the game, but come on, it’s a frickin TV show! Who knows what other creepy crawlers are creeping and crawling around some of the more “humid” areas of female contestants…?
-I get that Carolyn had to stay to “tend the fire,” but it just seems a little curious that she wouldn’t want to be around the others. Maybe the WC are dumber than we’re seeing…?
-The verdict is still out on Max for me. I can appreciate any real Survivor fan, and he was cool enough to hit me up with a tweet this week, and the fact he lives in an area I used to tool around in as a kid is cool to me. Yeah, the beard can go, but everyone’s got their calling card…
-And yeah, Dan is just…gross. I still don’t understand why Probst said this is a great cast… Maybe the show realized they made a mistake and is overcompensating?
-I get what you’re saying about voting for Jenn. Makes sense now. Can’t wait to see her lose 12-14 pounds and continue skinny dipping.
-And I forgot to mention in the column the past two weeks that Kelly’s almost non-existent. Last week I don’t think she had one sound bite and this week just that one confessional, pretty much. I think last season Reed had a similar arch where he was nowhere to be seen on some early episodes but then became a player. We’ll see if they’re just recycling every aspect of the show now… Would be nice to know that a show runner is working to keep things fresh and not rehashing every aspect of the show… Have a great week, Kate XO